CHAPTER 4

September 2010

It was a beautiful mid-september day… 3 days since her mother had visited and Emily had tearfully filled Elizabeth in on everything that she had been hiding.

The teenager lurking inside was still so terrified of disappointing her mother that she hadn't shared any of what was going on with Caleigh until Elizabeth acted on her regret from 20 years previous and pushed past the tough facade.

At Emily's declaration and flood of tears Elizabeth stood there for a moment completely baffled by her tough, self-sufficient daughter dissolving into a crying mess.

The last time Emily had let her mother see her cry she'd been about 8.

Elizabeth had laid the baby down in her bassinet and pulled Emily into a hug, once again surprising her daughter with a simple question.

"What do you need?"

Which had only made Emily cry harder. Eventually Elizabeth realised more than anything Emily needed sleep and had hustled her into bed and stayed the entire day, waking her only to feed the baby. Later that evening Elizabeth went home long enough to shower, change and pack an overnight bag before heading back to Emily's and spending the night in the spare room.

The next morning a much better rested Emily had wandered out to find her mother sitting in front of the computer Caleigh in one arm while her free hand slowly moved through the manual alphabet that was displayed on the screen.

Her mother's instant and complete acceptance had astonished and settled her. That day over lunch the two of them had sat down and written down a to do list.

The first of which Emily was hoping to get a jump start on today.

On the Sunday they had sat and gone through all the resumes for nannies that Emily had been procrastinating over for weeks and culled it down to 5 people that Emily had called for interviews.

This was her last for the day, uncomfortable with letting strangers into her home Emily and Caleigh had been camped out at a local cafe for hours meeting them.

She stared at the young woman sitting opposite her in the coffee shop, Joy Mathers was 25 and despite receiving hundreds of applications something about this young woman's resume stood out.

Maybe it was the lack of official nannying experience.

"Tell me about yourself…"

Taking a deep breath Joy steeled herself for the reaction she always got when she told her story completely unaware that the oracle of all knowledge had already filled Emily in on the young women's history.

"My birth mother abandoned me at a hospital here in DC 3 hours after I was born, they found her dead in an alley the next day. Father unknown… grew up in foster care and group homes here in the district… studied my way out. I got a partial scholarship to Georgetown and studied education. Unfortunately on my teachers salary I can either afford rent or afford to repay my student loans." the young woman admitted. "I heard through a friend of a friend that you wanted an evenings and weekends nanny and offered flexible conditions. I spent a lot of time with babies growing up… the older you got the more they left the little ones for you to look after. There's nothing in a diaper I haven't seen before and I can heat a bottle at 3 am without spilling anything."

Sucking her bottom lip between her teeth Emily thought for a moment. She really liked this girl… and that surprised her. Leaning over the stroller she lifted Caleigh out and settled the baby in her arms.

"Caleigh is 3 weeks old, I go back to work in 9 weeks. Here's what I'm looking for in a Nanny. I travel for work, sometimes at the last minute. When the job takes me away she'll need to be picked up at the FBI Academy daycare by 6:30 pm taken care of during the night and sometimes weekends and then dropped off again anytime after 7 am. When I'm home, they're off the clock, I have a spare room that can be used when I'm not around but I am willing to negotiate live in." Emily had thought long and hard on whether to offer live in or not, at the end of the day while she loved her space and privacy it would probably be better for all concerned if they lived under one roof. Especially when she got a call to be wheels up at 6 am.

"Honestly" Joy smiled and waved at the baby "I'll take room and board in exchange for part time childcare."

Emily nodded in thought, hopefully this would go better than when she told her mother "There's one last thing you need to know. We're in the process of testing her auditory reactions. Current indications show she has a severe to profound hearing impairment. Anyone I hire needs to either already know or learn ASL with me." she paused and watched as Joy didn't react negatively. "How about you come over for dinner tomorrow night and we can keep talking."

Joy was the last of the five she was interviewing and the only one she liked enough to go to the next step.

They finished their drinks and parted ways agreeing to 6pm the next night.

As Emily wandered down the street back towards home she felt a calm settle over her. It had only been an hour long meeting but she felt like Joy was the one.

"When will you know for sure how bad the hearing loss is?" Joy was sitting at the breakfast bar cuddling Caleigh while Emily packed the dishwasher after they finished eating.

"She's booked in for a MRI next Wednesday and then we see the ENT specialist for the results on Friday." Emily confirmed.

"Here's what I'm thinking…" she continued "I like you so far and to be completely honest I have a friend who is very good at digging up dirt on people and she's found nothing on you, which is good. You're exactly who you say you are… but all that doesn't mean jack if we don't get on with each other." Joy was a little unnerved but not surprised by Emily's admission she'd had her checked out.

"Here's what I propose. If you're free, Friday night you come and babysit while I go out to dinner with my mother, then say two afternoons next week you come over after work and I can go to the gym or something, of course I'll pay you. If everything goes well you can stay for a weekend and if we're both happy to move forward then we can work out an official arrangement."

Joy thought about it for a moment "That'll work for me. How about Monday and Wednesday at 5 and 6:00 this Friday?"

"You should probably know Friday will be the first time I'm leaving Caleigh."

Friday evening went as smoothly as it could… instead of her mother Emily ended up calling JJ and Garcia to ask if they could go out for a quick dinner.

The two of them arrived promptly at 6:30 having decided that despite all her talk Emily wouldn't be leaving the baby easily. They figured getting her out of the condo without Caleigh for an hour or two was a good place to start.

Now they were standing patiently by the door as Emily gave Joy final instructions.

"She won't need to be fed until about 8:30, I left two bottles in the fridge with heating instructions. I'm not planning on being gone that long but…"

"But Caleigh is fast asleep, I have all three of your cell numbers and better to start now with a quick dinner five minutes away then the first time you're separated is when you have to leave her at daycare for 8 or more hours." Joy artfully herded Emily to the door much to JJ and Garcia's amusement.

"She's fine…" JJ grabbed one hand while Garcia grabbed the other and pulled her out the front door before she could protest anymore.

Over all Caleigh coped better than Emily did with their first separation.

The three BAU ladies had walked down to a little pub two blocks from Emily's and enjoyed their first meal out together in over a month. Emily said nothing about the probability of Caleigh's hearing loss never quite able to get the words out.

When she got home a little after 8 Joy had just changed Caleigh's diaper and the baby was wide awake in her bouncer watching the bright toys above her head as Joy read on the couch.

After 11 months together Emily figured two hours separation was a good first step

When they'd booked in the MRI Emily had been warned it would be best if Caleigh was settled and asleep.

The appointment was booked for half an hour after she was due for a feed so instead of feeding her at home Emily turned up early and settled the baby at the hospital.

As she'd hoped Caleigh slept her way through the test and instead of going home Emily went shopping.

Her energy was getting close to pre-pregnancy levels and sitting in the house all day was becoming monotonous.

Her walks had graduated to light jogs around the park and instead of relying on her mother or doing one big shop Emily would go down to the farmers market daily to pick up fresh fruits and vegetables.

Really it was Caleigh's fault she was eating healthier than she had in years.

The team was all too caught up in the news that JJ was leaving them to notice the figure standing in the conference room until the door opened and Emily stepped through with a sound asleep Caleigh against her shoulder.

"I thought we'd pop in and say hello." JJ is the first to make it up the stairs and scoops the baby out of Emily's arms. Caleigh barely noticed the change and snuffles a little, settling with the blond happily.

"Family dinner?" Garcia's eyes bounce around, hoping everyone will agree to come.

Hotch remembers the first month and knows Emily will either be grateful to be out of the house a little longer or ready to go home for a nap so glances at Emily who nods happily "I'll pick up Jack and meet you, where?"

They ended up heading to a Ma and Pa burger place in Springfield that Morgan swore by. It was kid friendly and had a varied enough menu to make everyone happy.

Caleigh tolerated being passed from person to person until halfway through their meal and she started demanding her own.

Glancing at her watch Emily waved at Hotch to pass the baby over "Dinner all around!"

"Oh, I'll feed her so you can keep eating" Garcia offered as Emily grabbed a baby blanket out of her bag.

Cocking an eyebrow Emily regarded the analyst before shaking her head and wrapping the blanket over her shoulder "Firstly, I have mastered the art of eating one handed and secondly…" she trailed off hoping the rest would be obvious as she fiddled under the blanket and got Caleigh situated.

"Oh…" Garcia blinked at Emily's smirk as Caleigh happily started her own meal "Secondly my boob magic is the wrong kind of magic."

Hotch's eyes widened in a slight panic, at 5 Jack was likely to repeat just about anything he heard… including asking his Aunt Jessica what boob magic was.

"Baby Girl, let's not talk about boob magic in front of the kids." Morgan intervened.

"Daddy…?" the five year old in question asked right on cue.

"I'll explain in the car Jack" Hotch quickly shut him down and shoved a fry into his sons mouth.

JJ was the first to pick up on the glare directed at Emily from the couple a few tables away. Leaning over she whispered in Emily's ear whose eyes quickly flickered up to them.

"You get used to it…" she murmured.

"Used to what?" Dave asked from the other side of JJ.

"The looks… not everyone thinks nursing in public is appropriate." Emily murmured. "I don't see the problem, she has to eat and it's not like I'm flashing all over the place."

The team continued with her meal and JJ winced when the next time the waitress passed the couple called her over, said something and pointed at Emily.

Watching the waitress guardedly Emily was surprised when she wasn't approached, instead the young woman walked out the back. Just as she was switching Caleigh over to the other side an older man came back out and spoke to the couple who looked shocked at whatever was said to them and argued back quietly.

This went on for a few minutes before the couple stood up and stormed out without paying for their meal. As they passed the team the man muttered loud enough for them all to hear "bottles exist for a reason you know…"

"Did you know the female breast makes milk in direct response to the babies demand?" Spencer piped up "Studies have also shown that babies who are nursed are less likely to develop regular otitis media and gastroenteritis among other things. For you Emily it means lower risk of postpartum depression and your uterus will be shrinking faster."

The table drops into silence as everyone stares at the young man who looks immensely proud of the knowledge he's just imparted.

"Thank you for that information Reid but if we could refrain from talking about my uterus during meals… or at all… I would be very grateful."

"Daddy, what's a uterus?" Jack pipes up as Caleigh let's out a burp from beneath the blanket.

Sighing in resignation Emily slurped on the last of her chocolate milkshake she was allowing herself to indulge in.

"Emily?" Spencer stood awkwardly by her car as she strapped Caleigh in "I don't exactly know how to phrase this without causing alarm or offence but I noticed something… and I need to tell you." he took a deep breath and pushed on. "When I was holding Caleigh and someone dropped a plate behind me everyone jumped… except her"

"I know…" Emily looked up and sighed, she was hoping the get the official diagnosis and action plan before filling in the rest of the team. "She failed both the infant screening tests and the audiologist couldn't find anything physically wrong with her ears except she can't hear, the ENT specialist has done just about every hearing test available for her age. We had an MRI yesterday morning and get the results tomorrow."

"Point 3 percent of babies born have a congenital hearing impairment…" he mutters absently as all the information and statistics he's read flash through his mind.

"Yeah, that's the number I got as well, I haven't said anything yet because I want all the information before I start to tell people. I want to be able to tell them that, yes this is what's wrong and this is what my plan is."

"Promise you'll call me tomorrow night? I want to help you research once you get the results... And be a friend if you just need to talk to someone"

"I promise to text or email you." Emily hedged "I might not be in a fit state to talk, but thank you for caring and being brave enough to say something to me."

"And no one else knows?" He confirmed.

"My Mom knows everything she picked up that something was wrong. Rossi got nosey and found out she failed the first screening when he eavesdropped on a conversation I had with the pediatrician in the hospital. I haven't filled him in on the follow ups, I was planning on telling the entire team once I knew what was going on."

The night was horrible, Caleigh spent most of it crying until around 4 am when the back of the baby's diaper exploded over the both of them, it must have been a relief because the baby immediately stopped crying and relaxed for the first time in hours.

"Oh baby girl… that's nasty… what the hell did I eat that didn't agree with you?"

The contents of the diaper had spread up the baby's back, into her hair and over Emily's thighs where she had been laying.

"Looks like a shower is in order…" she didn't even bother trying to clean them up there before taking Caleigh into the ensuite where she quickly stripped the both of them down and jumped into a lukewarm shower.

Really… she shouldn't be surprised. Once the ENT specialist had confirmed the inner and outer ear functioned perfectly but it appeared no messages were getting through to the brain, Emily's research had told her it was an issue with the nerves.

Staring at the MRI film where the radiologist had highlighted the relevant portions of Caleigh's brain where the vestibular and cochlear nerves joined to form the vestibulocochlear… except they didn't join up properly. Everything was right where it was supposed to be just… disconnected.

"So that's it then…" she murmured, took a deep breath and then spoke directly to the doctor. "The cochlear implant isn't an option and neither is a hearing aid. The brainstem implant is still in testing stages and she's too young… good thing I've already started learning sign language."

The next 30 minutes was taken up with what Emily should expect over the next months… what she might see in Caleigh. Without the vestibular nerve fully functional her balance functions will be off, slower to sit up, walk and crawl without support, not a certainty but a probability. Early intervention with sign language means communication will come quicker. She'll babble but not the way in which you'd expect. Little pitch variation and a lot of vibration mimicking. Without the input from the ganglia in her ears Caleigh may already struggling to track things with her eyes.

Emily nods through it all, understanding but not really processing. She'd been cognizant enough at the beginning to pull out a pen and paper to take notes but not much had been written down.

Eventually the Doctor hands over a thick packet he'd prepared when he'd seen the MRI results earlier that day. Everything he'd said to her was written down for her to go through later. This wasn't an uncommon reaction from parents who had just received the news he'd given Emily.

Taking the folder Emily stared at it for a moment, cleared her throat and looked at the doctor.

"I read somewhere…" her voice cracked "that the ear starts forming between 5 and 6 weeks gestation… I was in a car accident… could…?" she couldn't finish the question.

It was one of the most common questions he got, did I do something wrong? Is it my fault?

"We'll never know for sure" he admits "Here's Caleigh's reality, she's deaf. What you did or didn't do during pregnancy is irrelevant now because it's in the past. What you need to do is what every parent does. Worry about her future, worry about giving her the tools she needs to grow into a successful well adjusted human being. She's just going to need different tools."

'Different tools… different tools…' Emily repeated the mantra to herself over and over as she headed home.

"Come on profiler... " she muttered to herself "Where to start… victimology, Caleigh is deaf… what does a deaf baby need… food, clean diapers, cuddles, blankets… just like every other baby. That we've been doing successfully for over a month, what next… communication… find a sign language class. Tell the team… start with Spencer, he already knows he probably went home last night and read everything he could get his hands on. Including a book on ASL…"

She pulled into her parking spot and sat for a moment. She had no idea what to do next…

"Tell people?" she asks Caleigh as she pulls the sleeping baby out of her safety seat. "Let's start with calling Grandma and filling her in huh? I'd call your Grandpa but he doesn't seem to interested in being Grandpa… he wasn't even interested in being Dad… then there's the man who knocked me up… Garcia will explain that to you one day… he doesn't even know you exist so really I'm not going to call him either…"

"What will Garcia explain?" JJ's voice echoed unexpectedly through the car park causing Emily to jump in fright, the jolt scaring Caleigh awake resulting in the baby crying.

"HOLY CRAP… what the hell JJ?" Emily screeched as she spun around to face the voice… upon seeing who it was she brought Caleigh to her shoulder and attempted to calm her.

"I'm so sorry…" JJ ran forward to pick up the bag and folder full of information Emily had dropped.

She froze when she saw an information booklet on different support groups in the DC area for families of children with hearing impairments.

"Come on upstairs…" Emily said quietly "I'll get her settled and explain everything" Caleigh's cries dropped into an unhappy squall the baby having only just dropped off to sleep on the way home.

By the time they made it upstairs Caleigh was soothing herself sucking on Emily's neck and every time Emily tried to lay her down she started to cry again. Knowing when the baby was this worked up only one thing would calm her Emily sat on the couch, lifted her shirt and let the baby latch on. While she was doing this JJ was slowly reading through the information Emily had brought home from the Doctors.

"You caught me trying to work out what to tell who…" Emily admits quietly.

"How bad?" JJ asks quietly.

"Profound… I just got the official diagnosis an hour ago but I've known for a couple of weeks there was a degree of hearing loss."

"I did a hand over with Hotch this morning and then he let me leave early with a promise to be at Rossi's for dinner tomorrow night… he's going to text you. As I was heading out Spence grabbed me and tried to be subtle about suggesting I pop by here. How much does he know?"

"He noticed Caleigh wasn't startled by loud noises last night and cornered me in the car park. I promised to text or email him when I got the results, obviously he got my message and thought I'd need a friend when I got home… he was right." Emily leaned back against the couch and closed her eyes.

"What are you going to do?" JJ asked gently.

"Read all the research and information I can get my hands on… learn ASL… find a good school…" her eyes slide open and glance lazily around the room "Work out what I need to change around here…"

"Tell people…?"

"You know what JJ… how do you make an announcement like that… do I send an email to everybody I know. Re: the baby I gave birth to last month. Dear All, just a quick update, something went wrong while Caleigh was baking and she can't hear. Just thought I'd let you know. Love Emily?" she huffed.

"We'll I wouldn't put it exactly like that…" JJ smiled at the typically Emily response. "It's a good thing you've got a media goddess ready and willing to help you go through all this information and work out an announcement strategy so to speak."

With Caleigh finally asleep and settled in her bassinet Emily and JJ started to go through the information. They split it into 3 piles, medical, developmental and family support.

The medical side they both left for now, no one needed to know the intimate details of Caleigh's medical status she was healthy and had hit all the other one month milestones. They left the developmental as well. Once again this wasn't anyone's business but Emily's, if she wanted to share with them she would do so personally.

It came down to a support pamphlet, tell the closest to you in person. Be open and honest, but be firm.

Your child, your family, your life.

Her mother needed to know before anyone else. Joy was coming over for lunch the next day and she'd text Fiona and invite her to lunch on Sunday. Emily would fill the team in at dinner the next night.

After they've finished going through the first part of the 'announcement plan' JJ hands over a pamphlet she'd set aside for Emily earlier.

"Gallaudet University here in DC." she smiles "They also run schools and programs for infants through to high schools."

"Yeah, I found them online… but didn't really look because... looking at a school and programmes means it's real and up until today I could still pretend it was only a possibility. I could pretend that I'm teaching myself ASL cause I'm bored… that I use the few signs I know with Caleigh because it's good for her overall brain and language development and not because she needs it to communicate… that she'll settle for touch not voice cause she's cuddly and not because she can't hear me speak..."

"Em…" JJ didn't know what to say.

"Don't JJ… can we just sit here for a while and watch a movie… pretend the last few hours didn't happen?"

"Victor/Victoria?" JJ could see just how wrung out Emily was by the entire day. Watching Julie Andrews play a woman pretending to be a man pretending to a woman always cheered them up.

"Yeah"

"Girls night in?" JJ asked

"You call Garcia I'll check the cupboards!"

END CHAPTER 4