"I should go" I stand up and walk to the door.
Her hand grabs my forearm. "Wait"
I am staring at her hand and how she is only touching me in one place but yet I feel it every where.
I haven't felt that feeling in a long time, at least not since we broke up.
"I love you" She says gently, almost choking on her tears.
I shake my head and look away.
"Spence" She takes my hand in hers. I'm not just feeling tingly in my hand, but my whole body. That is what she does to me.
"No, you don't get to call me that" I'm being an asshole, but I'm hurting and she deserves it.
"What's that supposed to mean?" She asks angrily.
"You don't have the rights of being my partner anymore, so you figure it out." I grab the rest of my clothes that are in her closet.
"What am I supposed to say to that? Huh?" She starts taking my clothes out of my bag and putting them back on the shelves.
I don't think twice, I immediately grab them again.
But each second its getting harder and harder to think, to breath and I need to leave her presence.
"I have to go" I say abruptly, walking past her with my bags in hand.
"This is real isn't it?" A hint of disbelief is evident in her voice.
"Yes, and it was the moment you decided that we" I motion between us. "wasn't ever something you wanted." I say bitterly.
"I never said that" She is standing in front of me now, putting up a fight.
"No you didn't, but you did sleep with three other girls while on your business trip" I am crying now, and my face is hot from being so angry at her.
God, I am crazy for thinking she was serious about me, us.
Or am I?
I mean, we've been together for five years but we've known each other for ten years.
Were together I should say, god how I hate saying or thinking that.
"Text or something when you get home, so I know you made it there alive." She is being so caring, and it's making my heart melt.
But I won't let her melt my heart, not this time around.
"Yeah, okay." I nod my head and leave.
-
I get home and text Ashley telling her I made it alive, and then I turn my phone off. I am emotionally drained from today, and I can tell you, hands down, its all because of her.
Its always because of her.
Like the time I got knocked down onto the ground when I was fifteen.
The time when my then boyfriend and I where on our way to having sex and she texted me telling me it was okay if I didn't want to because I shouldn't have to just to keep him around. I cried after reading it.
How about the time when she told me she was gay, and I kissed her.
And the time when I fell in love with her.
"Spencer?" I hear Dan yell from inside the apartment.
I am on the balcony, watching the sunset. I don't answer him.
"Hey gorgeous" He says, standing next to me. He hands me a cigarette and I take it.
"Hey" I bring the cigarette to my mouth and he lights it for me. I inhale and close my eyes.
I don't smoke regularly, only when I am stressed.
"You know, I thought you were dead" He says softly.
"Sorry to disappoint you" I reply.
"Spencer Carlin, I will not let you be so fucking emo" He is being serious.
"Okay" I smash my cigarette on the banner and walk back inside.
I go to my room and grab my keys.
"Where are you going?"
"My parents, I need to be home right now"
"Alright, well, call me if you need anything sweetie."
"Okay" I walk passed him.
He grabs my hand in a sweet gesture and gives it a squeeze. "You deserve to be happy"
I nod my head.
"Ciao" He kisses my cheek and I walk away.
-
I get to my parents house and only my mom is home. "Hi mom" I say loudly as I walk through the front door.
"Spencer?" She comes around the corner from her bedroom.
"No, it's the mail man" I deadpan.
She smiles and wraps me in a big hug. I wrap my arms around her and hold onto her tightly, afraid to let go.
Afraid that if I do, I will just fall apart, and I don't want that.
"Where's Dan?" She asks.
"Oh, he's not with me, obviously" I chuckle nervously and make myself pull away from her.
She looks at me like she can see right through me and it makes me want to cry. "Spencer, what's wrong?" She makes me sit with her on the couch.
I fidget with my keys. "I, uh, uhm" I am struggling to find my voice. "I went to Ashley's today" I blurt out.
"Is that so?" She asks, and leans back.
"Yeah" My leg starts to bounce up and down until she puts her hand over it.
"Why?"
"She sent me this text and I thought she was going to kill herself, but it turns out she was just moving"
"Was?"
"Yeah, she uhm,-she decided that Dan is a horrible babysitter for me, so she isn't moving anymore" I know I'm not making any sense to her right now.
She just stares at me blankly. "I got really upset and I passed out in my car"
Shock washes over her face.
"But don't worry, the car was parked." I smile nervously.
"Honey, that is terrible."
"I know" I agree with her.
We sit there in silence because she knows I'm not done talking.
"I still love her" I choke on my tears and my mom hands me a tissue.
She does something unexpected, she hugs me.
And then, against my will, I start to cry.
Again.
And cry into the night and just like when I was five and we would watch the Lion King, my dad carried me to my room, well, my old room now, and kissed me good night.