Raph couldn't stop thinking about the kiss and it was both infuriating and wonderful. Mostly it was infuriating. Like most things in his life.
Even after April's insinuation that she would be wanting "more help" from him later, she didn't really act any differently towards him. Well, there were embarrassed looks and careful avoidance immediately after but that was to be expected. He and his brothers trained for the rest of the afternoon and then went on patrol without her so he had time to think about what had happened or at least he hoped to have time to try be distracted by punching things instead of thinking. He looked around as they entered the lair hoping to catch a glimpse of her. They were back early since it had been a quiet night, he'd had no such luck. She must have gone to bed already.
Had their relationship changed? What did that kiss even mean? What if it hadn't meant anything? Maybe he was looking too far into it and it was just a one time thing. It's not like she owed him anything because of it...
He sighed. This turn of events was eating away at him. He had spent most of the night listening to Donnie worry about her and he was feeling very guilty about it. He needed to talk to him but he wasn't sure what to say. He shouldn't have let it gone so far to begin with but it had all happened so suddenly, taking him completely by surprise and then he'd stopped thinking altogether and just kissed her back.
"What's up with you? You've been sighing all night." Leonardo asked as he joined him on the bench with a cup of tea. "I thought your talk with April had gone well."
"It did." Too well. "It's nothing."
Leonardo watched him thoughtfully over his cup as he sipped and then, probably realising he wasn't going to get anything else from his brother, he turned to the TV and flipped the channels to watch Space Heroes. Raph sat for a while in silence beside him, pretending to watch but lost in his own thoughts. His eyes darted to the partially opened door of the lab where Mikey and Donnie were and he considered waiting for the right moment to speak to his brother and tell him what had happened. He couldn't wait any longer. He got up and marched over to the lab.
He wasn't known for his patience anyway.
Mikey was spinning in an office chair as Donnie was busy on his computer. "Mikey, beat it, I need to talk to Don." He barked as he approached them.
"Is it about April?" Donnie looked up from his work with a worried glance. Raphael didn't answer and only gave a meaningful look at Mikey who sat there looking between the two. "Mikey could you give us a moment?"
"What? If this is Operation: Feed April, I want in on the plan!" He jumped out of his chair and it glided back before bumping against the desk, toppling over a beaker. Thankfully it was empty and didn't break.
"Mikey!" They both yelled at him.
"Oops! Fine, fine I'm leaving." He answered as he trudged out of the room. Raph slid the door closed behind him.
"Okay, what is it? Is there something wrong? I knew there was something wrong! You didn't tell us everything did you?"
"No, I..." He swallowed and looked away as he thought about how to tell him. There was no easy way of saying this so he just went for it. No point beating around the bush.
He breathed slowly like he did before combat to find his centre. "AprilkissedmeandIkissedherback."
Donatello looked at him confused for a moment as he processed what he'd just been told. He leaned forward as his brow furrowed, placing his hands palms-down on his desk. "What?" He said softly as if he hadn't heard right the first time.
Raphael fidgeted as he gave Donnie time to react to his confession. No turning back now. He just hoped that his brother wouldn't hate him by the end of this. He had really messed things up.
Donatello's confused expression cleared and turned furious. "What are you talking about, Raphael?" He said in a dangerously serious tone using his full name. Shit.
"Donnie... I..." His brother's eyes looked more red than brown sometimes and it was kind of unsettling. Now was one of those times. "We've been spending time together lately but I didn't think she was interested in me. We were in the bathroom, I was helping her and then she... she kissed me and I kissed her back."
Donatello's eyes darted between his. He pulled his lips back into a snarl."How could you do this to me?"
"I'm sorry I kept this from you, Donnie, but it just happened so fast. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't think she liked me that way."
"YOU DON'T EVEN LIKE HER!" He bellowed, slamming his hands against the desk. The lab wasn't exactly sound proof and Raph winced slightly at his outburst before he could react to what he was saying.
"How the hell would you know!" He yelled back at him.
"Oh, so what, you started liking her since yesterday morning? Or was it after lunch when you decided to STAB ME IN THE BACK?"
"Shut up! Did you really think you were the only one who liked April? Do you think the rest of us are blind or stupid? Just because you act like a dork around her and we kept quiet when you were so obvious doesn't mean we didn't have our own feelings."
"Who are you talking about?!" Donnie spread his arms, his voice taking on a high pitch that grated on Raph's nerves.
"The rest of us, Donnie!" Raphael groaned and rubbed his face with his hands. He didn't want to fight. Not about this. "Did you think you could just call dibs and cancel everyone else's feelings? Including April's? I'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way."
Donatello held his stare but then his eyes darted back and forth as the thought about what Raph had just told him like he did when he was trying to work out a complicated puzzle. He took in Raph's pleading look and slowly, his face lost the furious snarl and morphed into hurt disbelief. He seemed to deflate after a moment, his shoulders slumped and he fell back into his chair. "How long...? Why didn't you say anything?" He asked quietly.
"Since... always." It was true, Donnie wasn't the only one taken with her when they'd seen her from the rooftop that first night they ventured topside. After that they'd gotten to know her and she hung out with them a lot. Not only was she beautiful but she was smart, strong and didn't cower away from a fight but most importantly she never seemed to care about them being freaks. At least not after their initial greeting. Raph was pretty sure they all had a crush on her at some point from the very beginning.
"I couldn't help it." He said instead in a small voice. "I never said anything because what was the point? She was never gonna fall for us, look at us! I thought I really never had a chance and if she ever fell for a turtle it would definitely be you. You're smart and fun and easy to hang out with, I'm just... good at fighting." He didn't know how else to explain it to his brother. "I'm sorry."
Donatello hung his head and held it in his hands. All signs of anger had dissipated and they were left in silence. There were still so many things left unsaid between them but Raph had never been very good with words. He had to try make things right between them, though.
"Look." Raphael continued after hesitating a moment. "I don't know what this is or if it even is anything. I'm not... we're not in a relationship. She might not even want anything like that with me. If I'd have known she was going to kiss me I'd have probably avoided it and I never meant to hurt you so..." He waited for Donnie to look up at him but when he didn't he continued anyway. "If you want me to I'll... I'll back off, okay?" He tried to hide his pained grimace, he wasn't good at hiding his emotions though.
Donatello looked up at him and seemed to weigh his words. "Okay."
"Okay?"
"Yeah, I want you to back off." He said in an emotionless tone.
They both stared at each other. Donatello was still hunched over, with his elbows resting on his knees as he waited for Raph to answer. Under his eyes his mask was darker and wet.
"Okay." Raph said quietly and turned around to leave. He opened the door and slipped out, heading for his room.
This was the right thing to do. He didn't even know what April wanted from him or if she'd still be interested when she wasn't a turtle. She was a human and she was bound to want human things he couldn't give her. This was just a phase. She felt vulnerable and she latched onto him. He couldn't hurt his brother over something like that. He was supposed to protect his family, they were the only ones who would love him come what may. They were stuck together and he owed them his loyalty. He would give them anything to keep them happy and safe.
He continued to try to convince himself he was doing the right thing until he fell asleep.
The next day Raphael was glad to see April doing better at training though he kept his distance. She didn't suddenly become normal overnight or anything but she was actually advancing with Splinter's careful guidance. He tried not to look at her and concentrate on his own katas which was difficult with Donnie watching his every move like a hawk.
He wasn't planning on even saying anything to April. He was done with heartfelt conversations for the next month at least. For all he knew it had been a one time only occurrence and she wasn't acting any different toward him, so he just had to make sure it didn't happen again. Not like she'd want to kiss him again anyway...
Raph was having trouble pulling his attention away from her even when he wasn't even looking in her direction. During training he kept wondering if he was standing too close or too far from her, if their fingers had brushed on purpose when she walked by him or if she knelt beside him because it was the closest available spot or she had sought him out. With Donnie kneeling on her other side he could feel the tension in the room and he looked around to make sure no one else was noticing it. He thought Donnie would burn a hole in the side of his head from the intensity of his stare.
Lunch wasn't much better. This time Raphael was sure April sat down beside him on purpose, changing where she usually sat by placing her stool on the end of the table that was usually empty or reserved for guests. He wasn't sure what he should do about it. He couldn't just get up and move to another spot, this was his spot. Everyone would notice something was up and nothing was up. Nothing.
He tried with all his strength to ignore Donnie's glare during lunch but Mikey and Leo had caught on and kept glancing between them, trying to make light conversation that neither took part in. Best thing would be to end this quickly and get out of there, so Raph began shovelling the food into his mouth as fast as he could without choking.
He was almost done when a sigh from beside him caught everyone's eye at the table and they watched April pick through her food as usual and hardly eat anything... again. By the time she got up to clean her plates Raph was exchanging worried glances with Donnie, their animosity put on hold for the time being. He tried signalling Donnie with a look to do something about her and he nodded slightly before chasing after her, cutting off her escape to her room and asking her to have a word with him.
Raphael watched them go to the lab nervously. At least he wasn't being glared at any more. They'd talk about her eating habits and not him. It would be stupid to think they'd talk about him... right? He grabbed a comic and sat in his beanbag chair. This was where he usually read, he wasn't waiting for them, nope.
He still looked up the moment the door slid open.
She didn't look at him weird so he guessed they really hadn't talked about him. Why would she talk about you, you don't matter that much, he thought to himself as he watched her walk over instead of head to her room. She sat on the bench nearest to where he was seated, smiling. She asked him what he was reading and he had to look at the cover to find out. Damnit.
Raph's eyes searched for Donnie in case he was annoyed but his brother only gave him a passing glance as he talked quietly with Leonardo. When they were done, Leo announced to them all that they wouldn't go on patrol this evening. They'd be having movie night and pizza after their training. Mikey cheered and started listing all the pizzas he'd eat later taking April's attention off Raph.
Secretly he was glad they weren't going out even though he groaned out loud at Leo about being stuck underground. He trusted Donnie with his life... usually but he wasn't sure he'd have his back 100% with the way things stood between them. When it was a life or death situation a moment of hesitation could be really dangerous. If Donnie's focus was on him instead of the fight or his surroundings it could mean trouble for all of them. This did mean that they would be stuck in each other's company the whole evening, though, and he wasn't sure he could stand it without blowing up in his face.
He thought maybe he should head over to Casey's or just go topside for a run on his own. He knew he kind of deserved the treatment he was getting for what he'd done. It was why he hadn't confronted Donnie about it before. He'd suck it up and take it but that didn't mean he wasn't going to escape if he could. He'd just need to get through afternoon training ignoring Donnie as best he could, eat his pizza and disappear for a few hours. Donnie will be glad for the time he could spend with April and maybe he'd get off his case.
Everyone tried not to look at April as she picked up a slice of pizza that afternoon at dinner. They were all pretending to be busy with their own food but they were all watching her out of the corner of their eye. She took a bite and immediately covered her mouth with her hand. They all seemed to be holding their breath as they waited to see what she thought.
She groaned in pleasure and smiled at them. "Why does this taste so good?! Thank God, I'm so hungry!"
They laughed, relieved, and Raph pushed one of the pizza boxes closer to her making sure to give Mikey a look that read "pizza box off limits". She turned towards him when the others started to talk animatedly about picking a movie for later and wiped her eyes quickly.
"You okay?" He whispered.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm just so glad. I'm not surprised you like pizza so much, this tastes amazing." He chuckled. "I'm really looking forward to later, too. It's been a good day so far." She blushed and nudged him gently with her arm. "It'll be fun to finally relax."
Raphael didn't answer her but secretly relished the contact. In the end he didn't go out and sat on the bench as they watched the Space Heroes movie for the millionth time. He didn't really care, April was sitting by him. She wasn't near enough for them to be touching, another turtle could easily fit between them or for Donnie to be upset about it, he was sitting much closer to her other side. She was close enough so he could snort at the comments she'd whisper in his direction during the cheesier scenes. If he pretended the others weren't there he could imagine them being on a date.
He'd promised Donnie he wouldn't pursue April any more and he'd keep his word but there was nothing he could do about the way his heart beat when she was close or she gave him her attention. Maybe just enjoying her company and keeping his feelings for her in secret could be enough for him. He'd done it this way so far. His heart thumped painfully in his chest at the thought of being allowed only a taste of what could be.
It will be enough, he repeated to himself. It had to be.