I take in a steady breath before I even think of unlocking this door. My whole life will change in the blink of an eye, from the very moment I step inside. It's what I have to face hat scares me, because she doesn't know who am I and I hardly know her anymore. The only fact that remains is that we love each other so much deep inside, we always have.
The familiar feel of the door creaking effortlessly open, relaxes me just a little. I expect silence because mom prefers silence. Instead, the music is blaring. The shredding of the guitar hurts my ears and so does her singing along. This isn't mom not today, sadly.
"Oh! You're home!" She stumbles in the foyer with attire she only wears when she feels like this. A bottle of dark liquor is tucked in a death grip and sloshes around with every step she takes.
I can help but feel lost for words for her. I've only met her twice and since she has no memory I have to make one up. I always have to make one up; sometimes its hard to keep up with myself.
"I do have school remember?" She eyes me from her peripheral vision as her head falls back to guzzle down some more of the torturous poison. I wonder how much she drank, she usually seems immune to it at this point.
"Oh right." She chuckles, then her eyebrows furrows , a sign that she's desperately trying to think. "Tell me how we became roommates again?"
Ughhh! I don't even remember myself! "Listen Veronica," i start but she interrupts me by taking a step forward and shoving my chest playfully with her finger,
"Its Roni my dear Laya, dont forget it." Again she slams back the drink once more, finding the need to take a shot every 60 seconds.
"Okay, Roni." I quip, "I've had a long day and I don't feel like telling stories right now."
"Fine, can you at least tell me when that stern lady is coming? You know, so I can mentally prepare myself?" Again I sigh and finally take the chance to close the door behind me. She doesn't remember her past life at all, it doesn't matter if she's Regina, Roni, or even herself. Her brain is the most complicated thing on the planet right now. So, complicated that her doctors are desperately trying to find a pattern that's just not there. It's know that the human brain is unpredictable, but mom's is the worst.
"Her name is Dolores remember?" Roni looks at me blankly. To many seconds by and it makes me wonder if her brain just put her body on pause altogether. It's absolutely frightening to witness.
With a harshly thumping heart, I swallow down the rising bile and take a cautious step forward. Slowly, I move and observe my mom curiously but the anxiety is becoming too over bearing. I then lift my hand slowly to snap her out of it, only to stumble back from being startled.
"Laya? Why are you looking at me like that?" Her precious brown eyes slowly gazes at her attire in horror and the bottle that's stuck in her right hand, "I'm so sorry honey, I–"
"It's okay mom, I promise its fine." I'm just relieved that she's back. Roni can be fun but its hard to see my mom being someone she's not against her own will. Her mind has taken full control of herself, that's how I see it. Most days, she remembers that she has psychological issues. Other days she has no clue what Grandma and I are talking about when we bring it up.
Mom even scares herself, and sometimes its the most painful thing I ever have to witness.
"What's today? What time is it?" She asks curiously. I take mom's hand and slowly lead her into the living room so we can have a talk. The last time she ever woke up as herself was two weeks ago, so I have to investigate and try to stir her memories like the doctors says.
Mom shifts nervously in her seat and nibbles at her bottom lip. This nothing but anxiety in her eyes as she stares at me and waits for me to say something.
"What did you do yesterday?" I question, feeling like an interrogator and hating that I've taken the role as such.
"Uhhh...hmmm..." she hums in thought. Her eyes stares mindlessly at my lap as she thinks. She begins to strain, given by the way her vein pops on her forehead. To my joy she looks up with a big smile and snaps her fingers to express she's remembered something, "We went to the mall and got you this beautiful dress for your winter formal."
My heart shatters harshly inside my chest. Mom has been like this for a few months now so I'm still not used to it. I just want her back, "No, mom that was two weeks ago and the last time you woke up as yourself. Yesterday you were Veronica and you taught me how to make apple tarts." I explain slowly for her better understanding. Mom's face scrounges once again,
"Who's Veronica?" This is so frustrating! I don't know what to do! The questions never stop, my mom never stops forgetting things, I can never have a normal day where I'm not worrying or playing caregiver!
"Veronica, is one of your personalities. Remember what the doctor told you honey?" I feel her soft kind hand on my shoulder as she speaks. My brain screams out in joy but I refrain to show how happy I am to that Grandma saved me from flipping out. I didn't hear her step in the house because I was stuck wallowing in my self pity, but now that she's here, I can breathe.
"I believe so..."Mom trails as if she's unsure. Again she thinks, the most painful thing she has to do in life, and then looks to her own mother again, "Who are you?"
I look up to grandma to see pain on her face as well. She isn't used to her own daughter forgetting who she is especially at a young age. It should be the other way around right? Isn't how life is supposed to work? Thankfully, mom always remembers who I am. She may forget the little things like my first word or who my father is, but she always knows that I'm her daughter. She always shows she loves me no matter what.
"I am your mother La La. I've taken you had a long day?" Grandma questions her but looks down at me.
"I came home and she was Roni." Saying that out loud made me realize that the loud music from Roni's playlist has stopped. The room us three females are residing in grows unbearably silent. The only thing I can hear is my heart humping in my ears.
"Well that explains why I want to throw up my insides." Mom groans. At least she remembers who her alter egos are by now. Grandma and I told her about them and the doctors explains what happens every time she goes.
Apparently, mom's brain is taking full control of her body. It's splitting who she is and her personalities into their own person. So, she'll shift into that person for a short period of time, but ever since Roni came about, she's been stuck as her for a long time.
"Come on sweetie, it's time for you to take your meds." Grandma motions.
"Oh wait, Grandma!" I stop the both of them, they whip around to face me curiously. "When I said your name, mom came back. I think there might be trigger words to bring her back." Grandma gives me warm smile and pulls mama close.
"I'll be sure to tell the doctors that L, good eye." She winks before dragging mom off into the kitchen.
Yesterday, I told Emma about mom and I guess it didn't go too well. Emma never brung it up again and I texted her this morning and got no response. I feel like she's going to avoid me like everyone else.
As I make my ways towards the back kitchen to punch in the next order, the bell rings capturing my attention along with everyone else's during the lunch rush. Blonde curls bounce to and fro as Emma skips into the diner with a little boy keeping up beside her. He's holding a book protectively against his chest.
Emma freezes and looks around for a moment. I quickly turn around to clip the order in the window for granny to grab. I'd do anything to avoid Emma right now, even if it means I'd miss this chance of meeting her son.
"Hey Laya, you got a minute?" The familiar voice calls from behind me." I turn around to find Emma with a look of desperation. I'm really not in the mood, but still I let out a heavy sigh.
"Granny! I'm going on break!" I call out to the older woman.
"Alright! I'll send Ruby out for ya!" I thank my granny and untie my apron so that I don't look weird sitting with them. As I round the counter, Emma gives me a warm smile as if it would make up for the heart ache she's caused me,
"Henry, this is my friend Laya. She's Lana's daughter." Emma first introduces. I'm thoroughly confused, but I decide it best to play along for Henry's sake.
"Hi laya!" Henry beams happily. Oh my god he's so cute!
"Hey Henry!" I return that big smile not being able to help it because of how adorable he is. He looks just like Emma. She can be adorable too sometimes. Stop it Laya, you're supposed to be angry with her!
"Let's sit, we need to talk." Emma urges. I look at her suspiciously and follow suit to the farthest booth in the diner. Henry slides in first, she slides in beside him, so I slide in across from them.
"So, I thought about it and I need to know more about your mom?" Just as Emma begins to speak, Henry opens his book and pulls a pen from his pocket.
"What's going on?" I question.
"I'm going to write down everything mom needs to know so she can study!" Henry informs and waves his book, he then whispers and says, "This is the book of extra special operations, dont tell anyone."
I look to Emma for answers. She holds nothing but a big smile on her, "Henry and I are calling this operation Two face." She chuckles.
"It's my favorite villain from batman and fits perfect!" The boy beams. I don't know if I should feel excited or emotional, but I am still confused.
"Look we thought about it and then I realized Lana must have personality disorder like in the movie Split right?" I nod my head and lean in trying to figure out what Emma has going on in that brain of her's. It's probably epic and I'm all in no matter what. "Okay so I really like your mom, like really like your mom. So if I have to get all of her personalities to fall in love with me, then so be it." She shrugs.
"Seriously?!" I gasp out. Emma purses her lips and leans over the table to reach for my face. I hadn't realize that I've been crying. "I'm sorry, it's just hat I never see my mom happy and you made her really happy the other day and—" Emma interrupts me with a chuckle and says,
"It's okay L. You came here for fresh start and a change so Henry and I are going to hell you. It's fair that you have to go through this alone." I just couldn't help myself. I reach over the table and pull her in for a big hug.
"You too Henry." Henry joins in the group hug completing the fill of happiness in my heart. I hope with what I have, that Emma is successful.