The wide docking bay was only slowly filling up with people. The flight Tali would take did not exactly lead to a very popular region of the galaxy. For her, that was all right. She did not want too much company, anyway. Ideally, she wanted to shut the entire galaxy out, but unfortunately that was not possible.

She could not exactly tell how many days had passed since the destruction of the Normandy without looking on her omni-tool's calendar. Time seemed to have passed in a grey blur. She had done what she had been told to, she had eaten, she had slept. But all that had been very mechanical. Even her return to the Flotilla now was no different. There had never been any doubt that she would return, of course. However, right now she would only take the shuttle because there was nothing else she could do and because it was expected of her. She did not actually think about what to do, what she could do, or what her return would be like. She just went through the motions.

It had been different with Shepard, of course. When she had been with him, when even her foolish dream of a relationship with him had been fulfilled... she had thought she could take on the whole galaxy. She had dared to think of doing more than just what is necessary and what is expected. And then the galaxy had shown her how it really worked. In the end, it had proven to be a short-lived dream and an unrealistic dream. She really should have known better, as a quarian. Her people knew about the fragility of live, and knew that even if one survives, they never get what they deserve, for good or for bad. Shepard's death had been an ultimate reconfirmation of that fact for her.

She missed him and she mourned him, and she knew she would for a long time. It seemed to her nobody, absolutely nobody had understood her and appreciated her as Shepard did. Maybe her mother had, when she was still a child, but that was long, long ago. Even Shala'Raan, who had become a sort of honorary family member and who truly was a caring and warm person, nonetheless always also saw 'potential' or 'utility' in her. And with her father it was even worse. She had always seen that as normal. Everybody on the Fleet also was a resource, after all, and she supposed she had in fact some potential, so why not help it along? But to Shepard she had not been a fleet member, or a somebody to hold up expectations or a quarian, but simply a person. A dearly appreciated, a trusted, a loved person. And how she had loved him. She still did, in fact. She had cared for him, she had shared intimacy with him, she had trusted him. But that all was over now, never to return.

She waited until the shuttle would open up for its passengers. Next to her stood Garrus. We two are all that's left of Shepard's mission. Half the crew was dead, the other half re-assigned to various posts, scattered in the Alliance Navy. Wrex was on Tuchanka, Ashley held by the Alliance and Liara was gone - she had suddenly and mysteriously left the Citadel the previous day. Shepard's epic journey, the grand dream to stop the Reapers, their struggles for justice and truth - all reduced to two lonely figures now, standing awkwardly next to each other.

Apparently, that was on Garrus' mind as well. "You would have deserved a bigger send-off."

"Can't be helped," Tali just said unenthusiastically. To have more friends around her before leaving them for good would have been nice, that was true, but it did not really matter now. Nothing really mattered to her right now.

"I suppose not," Garrus conceded. A further awkward pause ensued, until he added: "But at least Liara could have been here. I couldn't find her. And I couldn't reach her on her omni-tool, either. She doesn't return any calls."

"She left," Tali just said.

"Left? The Citadel?" Garrus asked. "Why would she do that?"

"I don't know," Tali answered. "But I checked what flight she took. She left for Omega."

"What would she want there?" Garrus asked surprised.

"I don't know," Tali answered again. And she did not really care, either. In a way, it seemed fitting. Shepard was dead, and everything was breaking apart. Including the squad. "She seemed agitated. Something must have happened. Or she learned of something."

"Omega is a dangerous place," Garrus said. "Full of criminals and other - " He stopped and paused. "Hm. Omega..." he continued after a while. Tali did not pay attention.

"They're opening up the shuttle," she obvserved. "I better should..."

"Wait!" The voice came from behind. Tali turned around and saw Ashley running toward them. When she arrived, she stemmed her hands on her upper legs and panted. "Whew... didn't think I'd make it..."

"Ashley?" Garrus asked. "I thought the Alliance still had you confined."

"Not... anymore," Ashley answered between heavy breaths. "Ah... Goyle... Council Chairwoman Goyle, I should say... she used her influence to get me free. I better shouldn't leave the station, though. As I've understood her, I'm safe here, but I'm in somewhat of a legal limbo..."

"It's some progress, at least," Garrus said.

"Yeah," Ashley agreed. "Took some time, though. Nearly missed you, Tali."

"It's all right," Tali answered unenthusiastically. She was vaguely glad Ashley was here, but even that did not truly reach through her indifference. "We both knew it wasn't your fault. And you did make it."

"Yeah, now I'm here," Ashley answered. "So, finally returning home?"

"Yes," Tali answered monosyllabicly.

Ashley's eyes narrowed and fixated her. "Are you holding up until then?" she asked softly.

"Yes," Tali simply answered again. But then she considered: Ashley did not deserve such curt answers. Tali really did not care about the world around her at the moment, but she could at least say something more to her friends, who did truly seem to be worried. "It's difficult. But Jon was the not the first important person in my life who has died. I don't know just how difficult it will be. But eventually, I think I'll manage. Once I'm back on the Fleet. Home."

"I understand," Ashley said. "You're right, of course, such things take time." Tali knew the ex-marine had some experience in that, too. Her father had not died as early as Tali's mother, but she did have at least a similar experience. "But I do believe Jon's still watching you."

Tali became somewhat unsure. She did not know the specifics, but that sounded like human spirituality, and she did not want to offend Ashley, so she remained quiet.

"He's been too much a goody two shoes to not go to heaven, even with his erratic behaviour," Ashley went on, and smiled sadly. "I guess, what I wanna say is: Just because he has passed on doesn't mean all his ideals are dead, or that your time with him was meaningless." She hesitated. "I'm not good at this deep stuff, but I wanted to tell this to you before you leave for good. Keep up his ideals and fights. He's still watching. He'd want you to be more happy, and to think more of yourself."

That much was probably true. He would have wanted me to look out more for myself. But the galaxy just did not work that way. Sometimes, individuals had to submit to certain necessities. Shepard had truly believed otherwise, but he was dead now. And Tali had never been a very spiritual person. It was not that she actively disbelieved the quarian faith, she just never had cared much about it. She always had been too practically minded, too concerned with very worldly and material problems. The quarian faith said that at the end of life, a person would join the sacred ancestors. It did not really specify what this meant, only that the ancestors were watching over the quarians. But even if that was true, Shepard had not been quarian, he was hence no ancestor of quarians and hence would not join them. And besides, the whole concept had always seemed suspiciously simplistic to Tali.

In a way, that even had always been the function of quarian faith since the exodus. Before the Geth War, there had been numerous religions just as there had been numerous languages. Nowadays, there was only Khellish, and only the general, vague ancestors cult. It had no priesthood, few rituals and not even a creation myth. It was meant to be vague and all-encompassing, as an unifying factor for all surviving quarians. Most pre-war religions had included ancestor worship in one way or another, so the faith had been reduced to that, to pre-empt any theological disputes over finer points breaking out. And even now, where most pre-war religions were just a faint memory, it was still practical in that regard: The truly spiritual could try to reach commune with the ancestors and the sceptics could at least appreciate the symbolism of the ancestors and the unity the shared rituals brought. Also, the focus on the ancestors and on the sacred homeworld held up a quarian identity and the hope to eventually return to that homeworld.

All in all it was a very practical faith. Tali had always taken part in its rituals and as a child had found some comfort in the ancestor worship when her mother had died. Still, she never had been very spiritual, and had never truly believed its creed. She had always believed in what she could see or her sensors could read, in stuff she could take apart and reassemble again. And of course, human faith and spirituality were even more distant to her. Even the somewhat generalized and watered down version she suspected Ashley to hold. So she was not quite convinced by what the ex-Marine told, and certainly not comforted by it.

Still, Ashley meant well. "I hope you're right," Tali said. "And he would have wanted me to be happy. I'll try to live up to it, but..." She paused. "Thank you, in any case."

Ashley sighed and looked sad in sympathy. "I hope you'll find some peace on the Fleet."

"I will," Tali reassured her, "Eventually."

"And if not, just give us a call and we'll get you out of there," Garrus added. It had obviously been intended as a joke, but it fell flat as such.

"Good bye, Tali," Ashley said. "I hope your life on the Fleet will be good.

"Keelah Selai," Tali answered. "And I hope you two will find something worthwhile to strife for."

"Don't worry about us," Garrus said, "I think I know where I'll go. Just make sure you get okay."

Tali nodded, turned and walked towards her shuttle.

…...

The welcome home ceremony had been grand and by quarian standards nearly bombastic. It seemed like half the crew of the Rayya had attended it. There had been much praise for Tal and much stress on how much the data she had brought home could change matters for the quarian people. There had been long winded speeches, much food and much socialization. Most of the latter without Tali, though. After all, she would leave this ship, her birth place, soon. And besides, she still did not feel very sociable. She enjoyed the event, but most of all she was keenly aware of something missing: the presence of her father. He had not appeared, not even to the one in a lifetime ceremony of his daughter.

While the event was winding down and people were slowly leaving again, she sat with Shala'Raan at one of the tables. Shala was a member of the Admiralty Board, the group of the five most powerful quarians in the fleet. Even though most day to day politics was done by the Conclave, the Admiralty Board retained the final say in everything, and had sole military command, which meant that theoretically it could order every ship of the fleet around. Tali's father was also a member of that board. However, Tali had never seen Shala like him, or like a power broker. For her she had always been her auntie. After her mother had died and her father had grown cold and distant, it had always been her who had been there for Tali's problems, who had probably cared the most for her.

"This was a very nice ceremony," Shala commented. "Kar'Danna's speech was magnificent. Very appropriate for what you have returned home."

"I had luck, auntie," Tali insisted.

"Of course," Shala answered, slightly amused, "That's part of the pilgrimage. But in the end, you excelled, just as we all knew you would."

"Yes. Just as you all expected of me..." Tali said, somewhat more subdued. She remembered what Shepard had said about that.

Shala hesitated. She seemed to sense what was on Tali's mind. Carefully she began: "I know it's not always been easy for you..."

"I am who I am, I know." Tali simply replied. Shepard would have disagree vehemently, but here on the Fleet she simply was who she was, an admiral's daughter, and certain things were expected of her. She had always been annoyed of being judged based on that, but it was Shepard who had made her consider that maybe it even was unfair, even unjust. However, nonetheless, it was a fact: She was who she was, her father's daughter. And thus, after a pause she continued: "Where is father? I haven't seen him."

"Do you think he wanted to miss his daughter's return ceremony?" Shala asked. "But something had come up on very short notice. But don't worry. He said he'd return with a surprise for you."

"There has always been something that has come up with him," Tali stated sadly. "But he is who he is, too. An Admiral of the Board."

"I should talk with him," Shala said. " I know he has duties, but the man is also sometimes so mindless, so inconsiderate about anybody around him... "

And that's why I always liked her. Few people dared to confront her father, and Shala was one of them. Even, if rarely, about Zorah family matters. Though she could have said more at times, maybe. Called him out more. It was not like Tali disliked her father, but some more support against his demands during her childhood might have been nice. "He is who he is," she simply repeated.

"You're right," Shala agreed. "And he is an excellent Admiral. One cannot be excellent at everything."

"I suppose it doesn't matter," Tali said. "I'll join a ship crew now and I think I'll only see him on some visits from then on. For better or worse."

"That's how life goes," Shala said. "Or at least it does since our exodus."

"Hopefully my files will..." She was interrupted when she fell a buzz on her arm. There was a new message on her omni-tool "Oh, sorry, I got a call... it's Father! Wants to meet me at one of the docking bays."

"Then let's see what excuses he will have," Shala answered, trying once again to bring some amusement in the conversation. Once again it feel flat.

As the two entered the docking bay, they could see Rael'Zorah, Tali's father, who already waited for them. Next to him stood another quarian Tali knew: Han'Gerrel, Captain of the Neema and another member of the Admiralty Board. As Shala had been a close friend to her mother, Han was a close friend to her father. Her own relationship to him was not as close as to Shala, but he still was well-known to her.

"Welcome back,Tal," her father greeted her. "Congratulations on your success on your pilgrimage. You have done well."

"Thank you, father," Tali answered. However, she was not really enthusiastic about his praise. As always, it was very lacklustre. Even when she had exceeded all expectations beyond the wildest imaginations he seemed determined to give her a feeling that maybe she could have done better.

"These files could really help us retaking our homeworld," Rael continued. "But that means we have to redouble our efforts now. And you will be part of them."

"Congratulations also from me, Tali," Han added. He sounded more cheerful and also somewhat warmer, but Tali supposed that compared to the clinically precise, cold voice of his father everybody would. " You really outdid yourself. And my condolences for the loss of your pilgrimage Captain. Shepard seems to have been a great mean. He was all over the news, and even you were shown now and then. Maybe that will help our reputation. But even that isn't as important as that data."

"Thank you, Admiral." Tali added. "Shepard indeed was a great man." But they don't know half about how great he was. He was more important than those files. But it doesn't matter now.

"Normally, I'd say 'Han' would do," Han answered "but as things are... or will be..."

Before Tali could think about what he meant with that, her father went on: "I promised you a surprise, Tali, and I don't think you'll be disappointed. Han has always been a friend of the family, and as it so happens there is a good post vacant on his ship."

"You'll be a high-ranking engineer, Tali," Han added. "It's demanding work and carries much responsibility, but it's also very respected work with a degree of authority."

Tali was confused. "I'll be a high ranking engineer?" she asked nonplussed.

"Everything is already taken care of," Rael answered. "You can get a few days of vacation and then start your new job, at a good post in an already somewhat familar crew."

She understood. Without even consulting her, her father had already chosen a ship for her. Every quarian after returning from the pilgrimage could choose their own crew, but once again she got a 'special treatment'. So she would go to the ship of her father's close friend. Or at least that appeared to be the plan. It seemed things never changed. Still, instinctively she protested: "But I haven't chosen a ship crew yet!"

"You don't need to," Han said. It sounded as if he had meant that reassuring, but it was anything but for Tali.

"But..." she began.

"But what?" Han asked friendly.

Tali remembered. Her talks with Shepard. What he had said about that at all. She could almost hear him, as if they were sitting again in the Normandy mess: "Forget expectations, what do you want?" And for a while, she had considered that. She had even dreamed of simply defying all expectations and going with him. But then the universe had shown her that it did not work that way.

"So everything is arranged?" she asked sadly.

Shala picked up on her mood. She looked to her, then her father and then said: "Are you sure about this, Rael? Maybe you should have informed Tali before."

Tali was thankful Shala was speaking up for her, but noticed that even now, she did not resist against the core issue of this. What does it matter just when I get informed?

Rael's view fixated Shala, but then he said: "You're right, Shala. I'm sorry, Tali. I did not mean to shock you like this. But the Fleet has need of you. You did a great service to it, but that only shows that you have the potential to do so much more for it. In the end, every quarian must serve the Fleet."

But every other quarian gets to choose their ship and crew! Tali remained silent, though. She did not feel like she would have the energy to stand up to her father. Again she could hear Shepard speaking in her head: "If they place so much higher expectations on you than on anybody else, just because of who your father is – well, I'd tell them they can go screw themselves" And maybe she should. Maybe I should tell Father what I think of this. However, it just did not work this way. It was a nice idea, but Tali doubted she could really do it. At least not at the moment. Two weeks had passed since the destruction of the Normandy and the galaxy still looked bleak to her.

So, she simply said: "I understand that." And truth be told, the Neema was not a bad choice. She knew her captain, and she also already knew some other people there well enough. Hence she would come into a familiar environment and working under an Admiral of the Board would surely increase her career chances. She had no doubt her father had thought of that, too. That annoyed her a bit, but it was still a true fact. Still, I wished I could have chosen for myself...

"Are you okay with that, Tali?" Shala asked. At least she does ask me.

"I..." Tali began and hesitated. Am I? But what was she to do? Resist against her father, something that would surely exhaust any emotional reserves she had, probably go beyond them, even though his choice for her was actually not that bad? Just out of principle? She knew Shepard would have done so, there was absolutely no doubt about that. However, that did not necessarily mean it was the intelligent, rational thing to do. "I think so."

"Then welcome in my crew, Tali," Han said.

Shepard would be disappointed, Tali knew. If he truly did watch from heaven, this mystical place of human spirituality as Ashley was certain he did, then he would now no doubt be disappointed. I'm sorry, Jon. I'm sorry Ashley. But things are different here on the Fleet. "Thank you, Admiral," Tali said, "I... I..." She stopped. There was nothing to say.

It seemed finally even her father recognized in what state she was. "I'm sorry this all comes so quickly for you, Tali," he said. "You will have get some days of vacations and rest, you have more than earned it." He paused. "Say... your pilgrimage captain, this Shepard... are the rumours true?"

Tali felt a deep sadness, a deep mourning well up inside her. Jon... And even though her father's tone had been friendly, almost caring, she feared his reaction. Still, she could not lie to him. Not to her father. She nodded and cast her glance downward.

"I'm sorry, Tali," Rael said softly. "It might have been for... no. Nothing of that. I'm sorry."

Tali looked up surprised. This sounded nothing like her father as she knew him.

"You do deserve some peace," Rael went on. "Take good care of her, Han." He left, suddenly and very hastily.

So did Tali. For the first time since Shepard's death she felt tears welling up. Shala tried to touch her shoulder and offer some comfort, but she ignored that. Somehow she felt as if she had betrayed Shepard, silly as that sounded. He would have wished for her to stand up for herself, to choose for herself, and she had not. She had returned to the Fleet, and immediately everything was as it always been: Her father told her what to do, and she did.

And yet, she could do nothing against it.

000000

So far still no divergences, just stuff that might also have been in the canon ME-verse. But no worry, this will start next chapter. Concerning this one, I realized onlywith some delay how parallel and similar it is to Garrus' chapter. Ah well, this is then: Team Dextro's Daddy Issues. Maybe it's just my general paranoia about authority, but it always seemed very suspicious to me that Tali ended up on the ship of her father's close friend. Very suspicious. So I ran with that. Now I still had some doubts about this, about how maybe it makes Tali too weak, shows her as too demure. But then, she still is in mourning and besides - even Shepard will show some weaknesses in my ME 2 story, so I guess in the end it will all balance out.