Four: Hurricane

"Do you really want me dead or alive to torture for my sins; Do you really want me dead or alive to live a lie?"

30 Seconds to Mars

Time is a slow healer or so I found. January bled into February, followed by the first signs of spring that signalled the approach of March. The classes for dhampirs gave way to our final assessment: actually guarding a Moroi student full time. The effort of shadowing another person 24/6 left little time or room for feelings, so I went around in a blissfully numb haze. I thought I was handling things pretty well, all things considered. I mean, I didn't even kick up a fuss when I was assigned to Christian over Lissa. Alright, I might have kicked off, but in a more mature and calm way. I didn't even raise my voice, except for the one time I mentioned Christian by his name.

All of my energy was being expended into bettering my skills. If I didn't, my mind would wander and if it did, my thoughts only got tangled on a dark mess that constantly swirled in the back of my psyche. A psyche that was gradually becoming more psycho. The darkness that had settled in after Mason's death had seemed to swell in size since then, igniting a continuous rage I had to work to keep a hold on. The battle within was wearing me out.

Try as I might I couldn't figure out where the sudden dark and morbid thoughts had sprung from. I constantly had extreme reactions to petty gossip or cheeky remarks. It scared me, but I wouldn't share my fears. All I could do was hold on tighter, push them down and hope that I wouldn't slip in my control. I didn't want anyone thinking I couldn't handle my final assignment. I didn't want anyone thinking I couldn't handle killing Strigoi. I didn't want to give anyone a reason to believe I couldn't be a good guardian. Instead I handled my emotions the way I always had: physically.

"Rosemarie Hathaway!" Alberta shouted. Her words brought me up short. I had been running laps as per my usual wake-up routine, switching off to my surroundings so I could focus better. What I hadn't realised was that I had outrun Alberta by a long shot. She came to a halt beside me, panting for breath. I waited patiently, not yet feeling the strain of the work-out. Her unimpressed expression told me I had done some seriously uncharacteristic exercise. "What is your rush? You're not meant to be racing. You're meant to be pacing," she continued when she had caught her breath.

"I didn't notice how fast I was running," I replied with honesty. "Maybe your age is catching up with you," I added with a quick grin. "It would make sense. Maybe you can't run as fast as you used to." Her frown cut me off and I wiped the smile from my face. "I guess not," I muttered under my breath.

"Our teacher-student relationship has not changed, Miss Hathaway. Do not become over-familiar with me just because I am giving you training on a one-to-one basis. Do you understand?" Alberta asked. I knew she was only playing at being serious, but I didn't push the matter. She had recently exploded at me and Eddie when Lissa and Christian had snuck out on our watch. I wasn't ready to repeat that experience.

"I understand, Guardian Petrov," I replied blandly.

Alberta shook her head and waved her hand at me. I was dismissed. Without another word I turned and jogged towards a familiar looking motley crew: Lissa, Christian and a certain Ivashkov. He had taken to following me around like a lost puppy. Some of the time he flirted with me in a never-ending stream. Less frequently he stared at me with a faraway look. I always felt unnerved whenever Adrian drifted out of focus. It felt like he was stripping my defences down so that he could see every lie I'd ever told and every truth I'd ever hidden.

"Hey Rose, thought we'd find you hiding down here." Lissa gave me a warm smile as I reached them. "You're really taking the coming exams seriously. I don't think you've actually had a day-off in weeks. You spend all your free time training. Maybe you should slow down."

"I'll be slow when I'm dead," I grinned back at Lissa, perfectly at ease in her presence. When I spent time with her, I always felt lighter. She had a way of sharing the burdens I hadn't realised I'd been carrying. She was a true friend. "I need to secure my place as your kick-ass guardian, remember? I need to make sure you can never put another toe out of line again." And prove a certain Russian wrong, I added silently.

"I'm pretty sure that you're already miles ahead of your peers, little dhampir. You don't need to keep up this pretence. We already know the true reason you train so hard; it's so you'll win a spot in my heart with your tough girl façade."Adrian ended his delusions with a whisper and a wink. I responded by rolling my eyes, thankful that Lissa was too busy chattering about her Sunday plans.

"We were thinking about going to watch a movie in my dorm later," she said as Adrian-Slimeball-Ivashkov sidled off. "Christian, Eddie and myself. You can come along too if you want, Adrian. We thought we would take advantage of a shared day off, since you and Eddie will be guarding us again tomorrow."

Her good mood was contagious. She found the whole dhampir assignment hilarious on the basis it made her remember our days on the run. I knew the real reason she felt buoyant; she believed that I was leaving my grief behind. I wasn't so sure. Some days the darkness felt more like rage and fury than pain, but other days it stole my breath away with its waves of anguish. I was no psychologist. I didn't know what the hell was happening in my brain. The one thing I did know was that Lissa was happy again. That was enough for me and I would have done anything to keep it that way, even lie to her. My own happiness started and ended with hers.

"Sure thing," I said. "I think I need to shower first though."

"I'm glad you noticed," Christian said dryly. "No offence Rose, but you stink. Have you ever heard of deodorant? I hear it does wonders for the pits."

"That's not what I heard, Christian," I gasped with fake incredulity. "I heard it reduces your magnetism for the opposite sex and hides the beautiful appeal of body odour. You've clearly never indulged, so I must rid you of your ignorance. Come here!" I raced towards him.

The scramble lasted a moment and then I was perched on his back. Without warning I pushed my armpit into Christian's face, letting him splutter indignantly. I let out a laugh, until the aroma of singed hair mixed into the air. I dropped to the floor immediately, crawling away from Christian until he stopped casting fire at my hair. "That was hilarious," I muttered, running my hands through my hair to check for damage.

A furious Lissa rushed up to my side, turning to explode at Christian. "How could you be such a jerk!" she yelled and I stuck my tongue out at him triumphantly. "You burnt her cheek, you idiot." Her cool fingers touched my face. It hurt for a moment, but then the touch became warm with the magic of spirit. A burst of euphoria cascaded through both of us as the healing came together and it felt good. It was pure and safe and good. It was better than hits of caffeine and sugar at the same time. A longing settled over me when it was gone, followed by a fast low that hit me hard like an iron fist.

At first the low seemed to fill Lissa. It was a consequence of using spirit's power. Her mood was already tenuous, what with her anger at Christian's immaturity. The bleak aftermath of using spirit was making it worse. Without thinking I put a hand on her wrist to reassure her. That was when the blow hit hard and my control slipped. Anger climbed up inside me quickly and furiously. There was only one target available.

I directed every bad feeling inside me toward Christian. He had burned me. How dare he set me alight? I could have been seriously hurt. Not only had he wounded me, he had upset Lissa. He had no regard for anyone but himself. These feelings bubbled across my skin like acid. It burned, but in a different way to physical flames. This went much deeper. Without warning my head snapped up and I glared at Christian. He stepped back in horror, although he wasn't as horrified as Lissa. Her thoughts bombarded my mind.

"What is wrong Rose? You look murderous. Please stop staring at Christian like that. You're scaring him and you're scaring me."

I did as she asked as unreasonably as I could, wheeling around so I was facing her. "Yes. Stop scaring Christian. It's always about Christian. You never bother to ask after me or tell people to get off my case. You just spend more and more time with him. It's a wonder you actually know how I feel anymore. Wait a minute; do you actually know how I feel? I don't think you do. I don't think you realise what's going on in my head or what I'm feeling. It's all about Princess Vasilisa and her boyfriend. It's all about the last of the Dragomirs."

The moment the words were out of my mouth I wanted to catch them all and shove them back in. Lissa's eyes rapidly filled with tears. For the first time since we became bonded I couldn't actually hear her thoughts. There was nothing happening in her mind. She was too shocked. Her hurt and my hurt clashed together until there was nothing else filling me. I could feel nothing.

"What the hell is wrong with you Hathaway?" Christian raged at me, shoving me aside roughly as the first tear escaped down Lissa's cheek. "There's something wrong with you, Hathaway. You're being a major bitch," he hissed the last word. If he expected an answer, I couldn't give him one. Nobody could, even Adrian having been silence by my uncharacteristic outburst.

"I don't know," I managed. "I'm so sorry, Lissa. I never meant it to sound that cruel," I added, but my words fell on deaf ears. I had no idea where the slip in restraint had come from. We had been laughing. There had been the euphoria of spirit and then the sudden rage. I couldn't place where it had come from. "Lissa, please listen to me."

Christian pulled Lissa away from me. She went willingly, never once glancing back at me. Her mind remained empty. I wished I could reach in to her memories and wipe them clear of that outburst. With a sigh I watched the pair leave. This was the real world. I couldn't make Lissa forget and my apologies would never be enough. I had to watch as Christian stepped up and protected Lissa the way I should have. I felt small and selfish, a real monster, because it wasn't what I had said that was the worst of it. It was how I said it. The coldness in my voice had shocked even me.

"Rose?" Adrian whispered. He had walked up to my side without my noticing. I blinked away my angry tears. I didn't want him to see me crying, but he had spotted my tears. He raised a hand to wipe a tear away, but I swiped his hand down. "What is up with you? This is beyond grief. This is something more damaging. You spoke with real contempt and it came too quickly to be spontaneous. I thought you were getting better. I thought you were on the road to recovery. If things are hard, please tell me. You don't have to go through this alone."

His kind tone angered me. I didn't deserve his concern. I wanted him to shout at me. Hell, I wanted him to throw me down to the ground and kick me over and over. Violence was the best outlet for someone like me. He needed to realise that. Sarcasm dripped from my tongue as I spat retorts at him. "You thought wrong. I am not okay. I am a walking disaster. I'm screwed up, so screwed in the head that even I can't figure out what's going on in my head. Try and analyse that, Adrian. Let me know when you figure it out."

I turned to stalk away from him, but he grabbed my wrist and held tight. I could have thrown him down to the ground, but something in his eyes stopped me dead in my tracks. He narrowed his eyes, pursing his lips as he contemplated what he was going to say next.

"I've been watching you."

"You don't even bother to try and make that sound less creepy, do you?" I bit back viciously.

He shrugged. "Call it what you will and I'll call you a hypocrite. That's not the point. I've noticed something about your aura. I think you need to hear this. Maybe you'll wake up and take a look at yourself. Over the last few weeks your aura has been getting blacker, drowning out the other colours. It's starting to lose its colour. Everyone else's flickers and changes with their moods: red to blue to green for example. Yours just sucks the light and life from a room. It draws happiness towards it, then destroys it. I think it has something to do with your mood. I'm not sure exactly how it fits in, but I'll figure it out."

"Trying to save me, Ivashkov?" I sneered. "I think you're too late. I don't want to be saved."

This time I successfully turned on my heel and stalked off towards the dhampir dormitories. He didn't follow and that bothered me more than I was willing to admit. I had lied about not wanting to be saved. Adrian was one of those few people who constantly chased after me. Now even he had gotten fed up of that game. I had successfully pushed him away.

The conflictions tightened in my chest, rising up so that each breath was heavy and hard to come. I felt close to breaking down, my nerves stretched out thin. Was this all really down to the grief of losing Mason? I knew there was more to it. Maybe it was because Dimitri left, but no, I refused to accept that one man had caused this amount of damage. I felt full of fire. Maybe it was the combination of losing so many friends and coming to terms with killing a Strigoi for the first time.

I knew deep down that it wasn't due to any of the things I had listed. Adrian was on the right track. I was afraid of where that might lead. I was also afraid that I would find out that there was no cure, no end to the torment. I couldn't deal with the ifs and buts. I had to get back to reality and just keep myself occupied 24/7. It was easier to ignore everything that was happening around me if I kept busy. It was no good speculating at whatever force was bringing me down. It had to be outside of myself, but how I was supposed to confront an unknown force?

A wave of crippling nausea suddenly crashed down through my body. I stopped dead, bending over with the agonising pain that was raking through my stomach. With a hand on the floor I glanced around, but there was nobody in this part of the campus. I cursed the damn day and the way it was going, climbing back to my feet as the pain subdued into a dull ache.

The only thing in the courtyard that looked remotely odd was a shed, and the only thing off about it was the way the door stood ajar. Normally all the sheds and cupboards in the Academy were locked shut to stop students from messing around with the maintenance tools. A drive to find the cause of my discomfort came over me and I strode over to the door. I hadn't gone more than three feet when a figure caught my eye.

I was confused. A minute ago this yard had been completely empty. I hadn't heard anyone approach. With a sigh I forgot about the shed and moved towards the shadow. When I looked at it, really looked at it, chills ran down my spine.

Mason stood there watching me.

He stood to the right of the shed and a voice in the back of my head told me that he had been patrolling it. I shook my head. How could Mason be guarding anything? He was dead. This had to be a hallucination caused by the nausea and pain. I shut my eyes and counted to ten, before checking the place where I had last seen him. He was still there, this time closer to me so that he blocked my way to the shed. I took a step forward to see if he would disappear, but he remained in the same place.

With a solemn expression, the ghost of Mason slowly shook his head from side-to-side. I frowned, understanding what he wanted me to do, but not understanding why. It was a warning. Why was he warning me?

"Mason?" I whispered, surprised by the tightness in my voice. I felt close to screaming or hyperventilating. "Is that really you? Are you really back at the Academy?"

He nodded. He still wore a mournful expression, his complexion translucent in the weak moonlight. Panic took over from fear as a crazy thought entered my head. What if Mason had come back for revenge? Maybe he had come back to avenge himself. What if I hadn't grieved for long enough and had replaced him too quickly? The last thought made me sad. I would never forget him for as long as I lived.

I said as much out loud. "I haven't forgotten about you Mason. I don't think I could. I basically led you to your death. That has marked me," I said in a reverent whisper. I wanted to reassure him, but I doubted there was anything I could say to make this better. "I feel guilty, Mason. I feel it every day. It's the least I could do, after Spokane, but I have to move on too. You understand, don't you?"

I caught myself short. I was talking aloud to nothing. I had lost my living friends so my mind had taken it upon itself to conjure up dead ones to comfort me. Still, there was a sense of relief that flooded through me when Mason accepted my apology. I wanted him to talk back to me. I wanted him to say something, even if I didn't want to hear it. I knew it was crazy but I wanted to take comfort from hearing him talk to me for the last time.

Try as he might Mason couldn't seem to talk or communicate with me in any vocal way. He could only nod or shake his head. I wanted to move nearer to see if he was solid, but the nausea hadn't subsided and he still guarded the shed as though his life depended upon it. I knew that was ridiculous. He was already dead, but he refused to let me move closer. I had a feeling something nasty awaited me in that shed. Mason didn't want me to see it.

"I'm sorry Mason, for getting you killed. It seems the only thing I'm good at is destroying other people," the words spurted out of my mouth without permission. Ghost-Mason didn't seem to notice. He just stared continuously over my shoulder. I saw nothing when I turned to see what he had been staring at. When I turned back to the shed, Mason was gone. I shuddered, sensing that something was different. I couldn't figure it out. Feeling spooked, I walked away from the shed to my room.

It was only when I was safely in the shower that my mind figured out what had spooked me. The shed door had been shut when I had turned to face it where it had been open only seconds before.