Crumple-Horned Plot Bunnies
By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: Harry Potter isn't mine. It's owned by JK Rowling and Time Warner. Not me. Please don't sue.
"What's this dad?" A nine year old Ronald Weasley inquired, poking the unusual device his father had brought home. Arthur Weasley smiled at his youngest son, looking around the workshed carefully before leaning down.
"It's a Muggle projector," Arthur related. "It's very interesting... I managed to get a film from America on it... Want to watch it with me?"
"Do I!" Ron enthused.
"ACK! Ginny! Ginny, no!" Cried Molly Weasley outside. "Arthur, she let the chickens out again!"
Arthur sighed. He had really wanted to enjoy this film with his son, but duty (and his wife) called. It was fortunate though-Had she come in, she'd no doubt force him to get rid of the wodnerful device. "I'll be right back, Ron... Keep an eye on this, won't you?"
Ron nodded eagerly as his father left the shed. The eight year old boy studied the device, and in a fit of curiosity, hit a button on it. He yelped when it started up, but his shock turned to amazement when he saw a moving picture on a sheet his father had hung on the far wall.
"Wicked," he breathed, listening to the unusual music and watching as the film followed an eldery librarian. His eyes widened as he saw books and pieces of paper fly up, as though by magic! Did Muggles really make this?
"Oh no... What's that...?" Ron mumbled. His eyes widened as the librarian's clothing was blown by a strong breeze and she was illuminated in a bright light. The title card appeared, and Ron read it aloud.
"Ghostbusters... Hmmm..."
And the world changed.
Luna Lovegood had taken to following Ron around from the age of eight. Before, he had been interesting-Very interesting-But now he was even more interesting to the little girl who had recently lost her mother.
"Hello Ronald," Luna greeted.
"Hello Luna," Ron replied.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"I'm making a movie," Ron said, sitting in front of the rather dated but functional camera he'd set up in his workshop. Well, it was technically the old workshed of the Weasley's, but as he'd taken to spending a lot of his time in it, he'd begun to think of it as his own.
"About what?" Luna asked.
Ron held up a powerdrill, and made sure it was working. "I want to try trepanning myself," he said. "Drill a hole in my head. Old Muggle civilizations used to do it, and people could go around their whole lives with holes in their heads."
"Why would you want a hole in your head?" She asked.
"I dunno... I think it might be kind of neat," Ron said. Luna smiled.
"Can I help?"
Ron blinked, in some mild disbelief. Outside of the Twins and Ginny, nobody else in his family really appreciated what he did. Well, his dad did but he didn't really count as Mum wouldn't let him.
"Sure!" Ron said eagerly. "Ya just operate the camera. Here's what you do..."
A few minutes later, Luna had mastered the camera's operation, and Ron smiled into the lens as he cleared his throat.
"I am Doctor Ronald Weasley," Ron said, "and I'm going to be demonstrating a modern version of trepanning. Ancient Muggles used to do it as a form of surgery, and it was done very successfully actually, as according to my books people could go around with holes in their heads and live healthy lives after."
He turned on the drill and spoke above the noise.
"I am using a Muggle powerdrill because it is much better than using a hand-cranked one! I only need one hand."
Unfortunately, before Ron could begin, Molly burst in.
"RONALD BILLIUS WEASLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Ron gulped.
"He's trying to drill a hole in his head," Luna supplied helpfully. "Wanna watch?"
Ron sulked as his mother yelled at him.
"I can't believe-Of all the irresponsible-Do you realize what might have happened?!"
"Yes, I would have had a very interesting movie," Ron said with a scowl.
"You could have killed yourself!" Molly bellowed.
"I wasn't going to get at the brain, I was just going to remove part of my skull and-"
"NO! You cannot do that sort of thing!" Molly growled.
"It would've worked just fine if you hadn't stopped me!" Ron protested.
"Now look here, Ron, I have been very understanding about you making movies, but this-This sort of thing has to stop! If you ever try something like this again, I will take away your camera!" Molly stated.
"No! Please, no Mum!" Ron begged. "I-I won't try to drill a hole in my head, promise!"
Molly scowled, but very slowly nodded. "All right... But to make sure you don't do anything, you're not allowed to operate that thing without someone with you!"
"Awww," Ron pouted. "All right..."
A few minutes later, Ron left the house with his camera, looking glum. Luna was waiting for him.
"Hello Ronald," Luna said.
"Hi Luna," Ron greeted glumly.
"What's wrong?" She asked.
"Mum is making me have someone go along with me when I shoot movies," Ron sighed, kicking the dirt. "I don't understand-I got all those great movies by myself! Like when I went to look at that house on fire! And that dragon Charlie let me see!"
"Hmmm..." Luna thought about it. "Well, I want to be a reporter when I grow up... And the Muggles have moving picture news shows! Like radio with pictures!"
"That telly thing, right?" Ron asked. Luna nodded. Ron grinned.
"Hey! We can both be reporters, and shoot things!"
"Yes! And I know just what we should shoot first," Luna said.
"What?" Ron asked.
"The mysterious Ferrous Basilisk," Luna said. "It runs by my house every few minutes."
"Basilisk?" Ron asked, concerned.
"Don't worry, it doesn't kill you when you look at it... Though I've never looked it right in the eyes... It's something to investigate!" Luna said.
Ron may have still be afraid of spiders (a spider-teddy bear wasn't something you got over easily) but his heroes who made those great movies had gotten great shots of zombie plagues, alien invasions, and demonic gods crossing into the human world. He couldn't stop now-He had to live up to his heros!
"All right!" Ron said. "Let's go see it!"
"Yay!" Luna cheered.
The "Ferrous Basilisk" was actually a Muggle train, but Luna's details about it had dressed it up into such a ferocious beast that Ron decided to go with it. And so, a week later, the Weasleys and the Lovegoods were treated to Ron and Luna's first actual film-The Ferrous Basilisk of Doom.
Ron smiled proudly as his family was awed, sent into hysterical laughter, and... Well actually they mostly just laughed, especially when Cedric Diggory (the hero of the piece) ran from the "Basilisk" with a cheering Luna over his shoulder as the train blared it's horn. But, it was fantastic. Here he had a talent nobody else in his family did.
And he was going to see just how far he could go with it.
"This is Harry Potter, the wizard who vanquished the Dark Lord Voldemort," Ron said, rolling camera on his new best friend. "Tell me Harry, do you have any plans for this year?"
"Um… Just enjoy going to school, and being away from the Dursleys," Harry said.
"Right… Mind telling me about your life? Like… Are you really going to become a new Dark Lord?"
"Um, no, I wouldn't know where to begin."
"How about a new… Gray Lord?" Ron suggested.
"Gray Lord?"
"You know, a kind of anti-hero who rules over us justly but without the airs a Light Lord would have?"
"Um… No, not really. Don't really know what my plans are, sorry."
"Oh… Mind talking about your life?"
"Uh… Well… Yes, I kind of do," Harry said.
"So, it's kind of tragic and miserable?" Ron asked.
"Yes, very," Harry said. He smiled. "But now I'm at Hogwarts, and it's all better now."
"Right, right…" Ron frowned. Sure, Harry was a nice guy but a documentary on him going to school would be boring. Hmm… Dumbledore, that great guy, had approved of Ron's film projects, allowing him to shoot Quidditch games and even a few skits. Maybe he could come up with something for Harry to do that would be exciting?
Harry did mention that Hagrid had taken him to a heavily secured vault in Gringotts in order to retrieve a tiny little object in a bag… Wait, he had it! The object was some kind of magical item of incredible power, yeah! And some dark wizard-Who knows, maybe even Voldemort himself!-would be after it, and Harry would have to stop it! Brilliant!
"I can't believe this! You call this a well defended magical item of incredible power?" Ron asked flatly. Dumbledore coughed as Luna zoomed about the course to reach the Philosopher's Stone on her broom. Granted, she couldn't attend classes but that had not stopped the young Lovegood from flying in to help her fellow filmmaker.
"Well, ah-"
"The troll, yes, that was brilliant! Harry got to blast it and beat him up, save the girl, which was great!" Ron enthused. Hermione had been very cross with Ron afterwards-She had thought she was in genuine danger. She'd hugged Harry tightly and refused to let go of him until the teachers had arrived... After which she'd chased Ron around shooting fire after him.
That hadn't ended well, but Luna had gotten it on film so maybe he could use it for some other movie.
"But this...!" Ron held his hands out at the obstacle course. "Are you kidding me?!"
"What's wrong with all these traps and obstacles? I think they're very exciting," Dumbledore said.
"A three-headed dog put to sleep with music, a giant plant a first year can defeat, a room of flying keys, a giant chessboard, a troll, a logic problem, and a mirror," Ron said. He pretended to scratch his chin. "Luna, what's the word I'm thinking of?"
"Attempted murder?" Luna guessed.
"No."
"Googleplex?"
"No! Lame, that's the word I'm thinking of! LAME!" Ron said. "Where are the fire breathing dragons? Or the walls that slam down to crush an intruder? Or holes in the walls that shoot poison darts? Or even a bloody locked door! This is all pitiful!"
"Er, well... It is something a group of first years can handle," Dumbledore said.
"Are you kidding?! What kind of great and powerful wizard would protect something that can give you eternal life and make endless amounts of gold with these kinds of traps?!" Ron demanded.
Dumbledore coughed. "What would you suggest, Mr. Weasley?"
Luna zoomed in, looking slightly to the left of Dumbledore's beard.
"May I suggest dragons and tentacle monsters and maybe a chainsaw-wielding maniac?" She said. Ron grinned.
"YEAH! And maybe a giant boulder to chase us around!"
"They did that in Raiders of the Lost Ark, Ronald," Luna reminded him.
"Damn! So they did..." Ron sighed. He scowled at Dumbledore, who raised a hand appeasingly.
"Now Mr. Weasley... I assure you, these obstacles will be very exciting."
"They'd better be," Ron grumbled. He shook his head at Luna. "Honestly, who am I working with here?"
At the Philosopher's Stone...
"There is no good or evil, there is only power, and those with the means to-"
"Cut, cut, cut!"
Both Harry and Quirrelmort turned to see Luna and Ron on a broom, Luna dutifully recording the scene while Ron scowled.
"What?! Who are you?!" Voldemort demanded.
"Bloody hell man, that was terrible," Ron stated. "You call that an evil villain speech? Also, Ronald Weasley. I'm the director."
"Luna Lovegood, camerawoman and impartial member of the press," Luna supplied.
"Uh, Ron," Harry tried. Ron waved his hand.
"Not now Harry... Look, the whole face on the back of the guy's head? That's good, that's brilliant, but your acting is the hammiest thing ever! How long did you work on that speech?"
Lord Voldemort, more confused than angry, looked uncomfortable.
"Ah..."
"Look, you're supposed to be Lord Voldemort," Ron got out without a shudder-He'd gotten past that for his stop motion movie Lord Voldemort versus Harry Potter: The Rematch With Dinosaurs. "The Dark Lord, the most feared Dark Wizard for half a century, and what do you do? You rant at an eleven year old boy like a Roger Moore Bond Villain!"
"How can you tell me how to act?" Voldemort demanded.
"Because I'm the director and I know what actual acting looks like! Again, you're the Dark Lord, the dreaded Evil Wizard! Why do you need to pontificate and blather on like this? It's beneath you!"
"Really?" Voldemort asked. Luna nodded.
"Oh yes-Conveying a subtle terror and menace that creeps up on you, like an invisible serpent coiling around your neck until you cannot breath, is much more suitable for a Dark Lord of your stature. Please note, we only wish to portray you as well as possible, as impartial members of the press."
"Master, I really think we should-" Quirrel began.
"Silence you fool!" Voldemort hissed.
"Yes Master," Quirrel squeaked.
"So... Subtle terror and an overpowering, suffocating menace?" Voldemort asked. Ron nodded.
"Yes, yes... Trust me, it'll be brilliant! Especially when Luna does some nice camerawork to emphasize your power."
"... Very well... Let's try this again, shall we Potter?" Voldemort hissed. Harry, in complete and utter shock, nodded automatically.
"Um, right..."
"And Harry! Stop standing there like a petulant child! You're a plucky boy hero, try to look the part!" Ron ordered.
"Right," Harry said, in some significant disbelief. "By the way, did you just fly over the flames?"
"Yeah," Ron snorted. "Can you believe Dumbledore's idea of traps? I didn't even get hurt during the chess game." He looked over at Voldemort and rolled his eyes. "I'm really sorry you had to waste your time with all that-It's bloody pitiful, isn't it? Three kids could get through it without any help at all in fifteen minutes!"
"Ah... Yes, quite pitiful," Voldemort replied, not about to reveal it took him three hours to get through the traps.
"All right... And... Action!" Ron called.
"Your parents... I regret killing them," Voldemort hissed, as Luna flew in front of him to record. "But with the Philosopher's stone, death is meaningless... Your potential is great, Harry, wasted in this school, under Dumbledore. Together, we can unlock the Stone's secrets... Bring your parents back... You will have your family back, Harry... All that is required, is that you seize the chance! Good and evil are meaningless distinctions, created by those with power... And such power can be yours... If you join me..."
Luna and Ron both shivered, and Luna mouthed "MUCH better" to Ron, who nodded.
"Cut! Great! That was loads better!" Ron enthused. "Harry! Your turn, big reaction!"
"Um, right..."
"Action!"
"You liar!" Harry cried.
"CUT!" Ron shouted. He smacked his forehead and groaned. "That was terrible!"
"What?! It was not!" Harry defended himself.
"Quite amateurish, Harry," Voldemort scolded with a smirk. "'Plucky boy hero', indeed."
"Let's try this again... Then Voldemort, you can... Um..."
"Why don't I choke the life out of him, staring into his eyes as the like embers of his soul fade away?" Voldemort suggested.
"Why would a wizard do that?" Ron asked. Voldemort coughed.
"Ah... Makes it more... Dramatic and personal."
"Oh, okay!" Ron said. "Now Harry, let's try it again, and this time, get it right!"
Harry's reflection in the Mirror of Erised looked back at him and shrugged sympathetically. Harry sighed.
"Fine..."
"ACTION!"
"You LIAR!" Harry shouted.
"KILL HIM!" Voldemort hissed, and Quirrel seized his chance, flying to Harry and wrapping his hands around his throat. However, when he began burning, Harry slapped his hands around Quirrel's face and the entire two-faced man went up in smoke and screams. Luna dutifully recorded it all, including Voldemort's spirit rising up from the ashes and flying off at high speed through the door.
"... Cut," Ron absently ordered, as Hermione flew over the flames on the broom from the key room. "You know, I think that may have really been Voldemort!"
"YA THINK?!" Harry and Hermione shouted in anger. Hermione landed and went to Harry's side, beginning to fuss over him. Ron was really thankful they had such natural chemistry-Made shooting them so very easy! He also felt his arguments with Hermione about non-film stuff added a bit of comedy-Wait, what was he working on now? Come on Weasley, focus!
"You got all that, right Luna?" Ron asked. Luna, who did not look in the least bit surprised at the revelation that that was the real Voldemort, nodded.
"Oh yes... All things considered, I think the final struggle with Voldemort and his escape were the best parts."
"Yeah," Ron said with a nod. "And I think my scene with the chess board had some real drama..." He sighed. "But Harry's reaction was still bloody terrible! We've really got to do it again-"
Harry had gotten to his feet and decked Ron with a single punch.
"Harry!" Hermione cried.
"What?" Harry demanded, quite cross.
"Ah… Nothing," Hermione said, shivering a bit. "Come on; hold me tightly so I can help you out."
As the fire barring the room had dissipated by this point, Harry allowed Hermione to help him walk out. Ron groaned, and sat up.
"Geez... Dad was right... The stars are a bunch of prima donnas..."
Luna just smiled. This would all make for a lovely behind-the-scenes featurette…
Well, you have to admit, it would explain a few things… As for how Years 6 and 7 worked out, that's another story.