Lucien returns! And he actually gets a lead on how to deal with Mary! Plus, a mysterious new character appears, giving advice from what seems to be a parallel dimension! Three guesses who it is… And yes, the typo in the title is deliberate.

o.O.o

To Marry or not to Mary

o.O.o

Mary was thrilled.

Not only had her darling Lucien spoken so well of her, but things were going exactly as she wished. She was a bit surprised that he had talking lizards in his family, but a seasoned adolescent adventurer such as herself had seen many stranger things while traveling through the realm of fanfic- I mean, Tamriel. Yes, Tamriel.

Luckily, the talking lizard lady – Oh-cheetah, what a funny name! – was very nice, as was Go-go; anyone who knew how to appreciate Mr. Fuzzems was a good guy in her book. The bunny approved of him, too, she was sure. Teli (she forgot her entire name immediately) seemed nice enough, but could really use a makeover. She was pretty enough but not anywhere close enough to be considered a rival for Mary. Moreover, she was just a secondary character.

In any case, she had a good feeling about all this. As she saw it, the more she impressed Lucien, the quicker she would see him again and once he saw the true extent of her abilities, he would most certainly want to marry her at once! There were subtle signs, of course, but Mary knew better than to press. And she wanted him to see that she was okay with his strange family; they would be leaving this drab underground Batcave once they got married anyway. With her endless wisdom, she understood that Lucien was likely trying to show her that he didn't have a lot of money to support her and didn't consider himself worthy of her affections.

And he was likely anxious to see if she accepted him along with his strange family. Well, that was no problem for Mary; she could deal with monthly correspondence and annual visits. Besides, other than looking funny and wearing really emo clothes, they seemed nice enough. Just not the sort of people you would want to be seen in public with.

Just to be certain that she had met everyone, she strolled around the Sanctuary a bit before heading for the resident vampire's rooms. Unfortunately, not everyone was currently present; Teinaava was on a mission and would hopefully be warned by Ocheeva before something could happen and M'raaj Dar was out buying potion ingredients. Once Mary found her new private room that had appeared out of the depths of the time and space continuum right next to the quarters of everyone else and put her stuff there, preparing a small toyhouse for Mr. Fuzzems to live with along with a few stuffed bunnies to keep him company, she was almost bumped into by another girl.

The moment Antoinetta Marie saw Mary, her mind was warped by the Great Plot and she changed from a perky and only slightly annoying but also endearing girl into a complete BEEP, because she is a total BEEP BEEP with her BEEP BEEP and BEEP SHEEP because of her obvious gratitude to Lucien. And so, the mind of a slutty, stuck-up cheerleader took over her consciousness.

"Oh, sorry!" Mary twinkled, just like the star in the song. "I'm so clumsy. My name is Mary Sue, I'm the new girl!"

That triggered the inevitable doom from the new Antoinetta Marie.

"YOU! Ugly!" The ultimate insult came out of her frog-like mouth. "Stay the BEEP away from MY Lucien, got it?! You BEEP BEEP SHEEP CREEP BEEP LEAP poo-face! And you stink!" she added after a moment of thinking, just to properly show her total hatred for Mary, which burned with the passion of a thousand suns. Plus, she couldn't stand having someone share her name in a better, more modern fashion.

Without even waiting for an answer, she stalked off, her head held high, and thus she couldn't see where she was going and promptly crashed into the wall. Then, massaging her broken nosed-ugliness, Anti-omelet, as she might be called, huffed and puffed but didn't blow the little piggies' house down; instead, she vanished with the distinct pathos of the current antagonist of the story.

Mary was appalled. Not only did that person (because she was too nice to insult the BEEP HEAP CHEAP… hey, cheap actually fits. Ahem) seem to share some of her powers and know about her and Lucien without any actual reason for it, but she had dared call her ugly! She was such a… such a not-nice girl!

But Mary sympathized with her. She was short, after all. Now she had ample reason to suspect that Antoinetta was actually a man in drag, since only men could have the angry small man complex. She resolved to set her – him – up with some nice geeky guy that would bring out the good in her, so that she and Lucien could have their happy ending.

In the meantime, she was off to see this Vicente guy. With a name this exotic, he had to be interesting. All the interesting characters had names from different languages – Mary, with her superior intelligence, knew that Lucien's name was French and this one was Italian. One had to be in awe of her omnipotence when she knew languages from a different reality.

Unfortunately for all the other characters, she forgot to pass the kitchens and fetch the garlic on her way to Vicente, which she realized all too late.

"Oh, no!" she gasped prettily. She would have to remember to make it up to him later on! She knocked carefully, a rueful expression on her face, and after hearing a charming male voice say that she could come in, she opened the door with some hesitation.

As far as vampires went, Vicente Valtieri was likely the most impressive one you were to ever meet. Not because of sheer power, but because of his carefully refined manners and general gentlemanly behavior. Unlike the usual vampire, he had rules, standards and a good fashion sense to boot. In short, many qualities that, along with his efficient and organized nature obtained through centuries of experience, made him without a doubt the most successful assassin of the Sanctuary.

Mary gave another dramatic gasp upon seeing him. Not because of his obvious undead nature or the giant stack of finished paperwork on his desk or because of the almost unnatural organization of everything on his desk and, upon a closer look, of his entire room as well. Oh, no. Mary gasped for a different, much more serious reason.

Because he was hot!

Perhaps the powers of Su allowed Mary to see people without the effects of advanced stages of vampirism, which rendered even the most attractive person haggard and gaunt. Perhaps she saw once more into his heart (or pointedly ignored his profession).

In any case, this was a grave problem for Mary. She was used to having men fight over her, but for her to feel her heart fluttering so quickly as if she had drank six cups of coffee with way too much sugar upon seeing a man other than her One True Love was… different.

Frightening. Exciting.

Vicente only raised an eyebrow upon seeing the new Sister's peculiar shade of armor. He had thought he had seen it all, but this… this was certainly new. But she, as all new members, seemed unnerved by his vampiric nature – at least he supposed that was why she was staring with eyes wide as saucers. Though with such taste in color, no one could be certain…

"H-hi. I'm Mary Sue." the girl said in a wonderfully melodic squeaky voice. Her make-up gave her the appearance of a rainbow panda. Which could mean…

Dear Sithis, not another dagger-happy fool, the Executioner thought with a sigh. Nevertheless, he wasn't one of those who judged a book by its cover.

"Warmest greetings to you. I trust you've already spoken with Ocheeva? I am Vicente Valtieri. I provide assignments for all new family members. Please do not let my appearance…unnerve you." Vicente noted mildly, used to such reactions of shock and surprise. If it weren't for the gut instinct to be on his toes around someone who wore this much pink, he would have returned his attention to the rest of his paperwork. "The needs and tenets of the Dark Brotherhood come before my own needs as a vampire."

Mary was hypnotized by his accent. The Plot seemed to be urging her in a direction she wasn't certain her heart could follow. In vain, she tried to remember the image of Lucien, but somehow, the damned hooded robe he always wore made it difficult.

Because in the vision of a romantic and kind-hearted girl such as her, Vicente Valtieri looked rather like Gary Oldman in Coppola's Dracula movie simply because he happened to be a vampire. In short, someone to be drooled over shamelessly – figuratively speaking, of course. A drooling girl wasn't attractive, she reminded herself, but still…

Vampire. Rawr.

"Now if you're ready to get to work, I can provide you with your first contract."

Vicente's supposition that she might be one of the slightly unhinged ones was rising when the girl – Mary – began giving him a look that was either eagerly bloodthirsty or very, very unstable. He decided to take that as a yes. Lucien had sent word that he could deal with her in any way he saw fit, then so be it. He made it his business to see to it that new recruits were properly selected. Her first mission would be a test of stealth and skill, both of which she seemed to lack.

Of course, he was half a mind to change that and send her on a made-up assignment that would result in her death when she replied "Yes, Vlad, love." to everything he said, giving him that somewhat insane unblinking stare and obviously barely listening to what he said. One of the crazy ones, then.

When Mary practically floated out of the room like a skooma addict that had just gotten the fix of their dreams, Vicente gave the unsorted assignments a brief look. The more difficult ones requiring stealth and discretion and involving a sizable bonus were saved for the most experienced members, such as Ocheeva and himself, but he saw no harm in reassigning one or two of the mass-slaughter assignments that normally went to Gogron to Mary in the unlikely case that she survived.

They had to develop a better recruitment method than allowing a part-leprechaun to decide who they were to recruit "because the Night Mother said so, your mom!"

Really.

MarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySueMarySue

Elsewhere…

(Or Fort Farragut, to be exact)

Lucien Lachance was pacing around what was considered his office at Fort Farragut. The place itself was dark and gloomy, the most light coming out of a magic portal that had been opened in the middle of it, serving as a communication mirror between there and what seemed to be a mage's laboratory. Apart from that, the image included a young woman in her twenties, dressed in plain blue robes, messing around with various ingredients. She wasn't bad-looking, but certainly not worth the amount of description Mary was. Her face was pale, with a hint of freckles here and there and no make up; her apparently ash-blonde hair was pulled back in a messy bun.

And she seemed to be genuinely sorry, not that Lucien believed a word of that.

"What do you mean that you can't come?" the Speaker, now devoid of his usual hood and calm patience, demanded. The mage was getting on his nerves with her evasiveness. "You were supposed come and help me! You know that!"

"Look, I know this might upset you, but I got a better contract." the mage noted apologetically. She considered Lucien a friend, if one stretched that word a mile, but she couldn't ignore the opportunity to get more septims. She had a bad potion-wasting habit to maintain. Plus, ingredients weren't cheap nowadays. "You know that whenever she enters the picture, everyone gets a secondary role and that affects the paycheck."

"You can't do this to me!" Lucien almost snarled at the magical communication. She could and obviously dared, but at least she had the decency to flinch and look uncomfortable, as if a dagger was at her throat. "Do you have any idea what this… creature is going to do to the Brotherhood?!" he demanded angrily.

Unfortunately for him, knowledge was something the mage had, so he was out of luck in that. "I researched her, so yes, I do. I wouldn't be able to help you anyway, Lucien."

"Give me one reason why I should believe that." the Imperial challenged, looking her straight in the eyes. Unlike Mary, this girl wasn't able to maintain eye-contact with an angered professional killer for more than a few seconds. Her voice was somewhat breathy when she spoke, but to her credit, it didn't shake. Much.

"For one thing, I cannot effectively fight a creature driven by the Great Plot." she explained, pointedly looking at the journal she had on her desk. "For another, if I were to enter at this point, I could upset the balance even more than it is. There cannot be anyone with a better back-story than Mary Sue and I'm afraid I fall into that category according to this." The mage leaned over to another stack of books to her right and produced a sheet of parchment with the headline The Mary Sue Limitus Test written in sparkly ink.

"Those are excuses and not reasons." Lucien said, ignoring the name of his nemesis written on that parchment and the medium to low score that the mage had apparently earned. He knew by now that Mary Sue was what could be considered the ultimate evil – that Sithis himself was about as cuddly as that bunny of hers compared to the threat she presented.

"Partly." the mage admitted sheepishly, giving a shaky smile. She disliked it when Lucien gave her this look. He usually saved it for people he intended to kill and she hoped she was off the list by now. "But the first is true. I might not be perfect like her, but as a well-balanced character, I have some traits that could be considered Sueish if you take a magnifying glass and scan my little black heart. "

"Don't ask me to beg you." Lucien warned in a dark voice, but he wondered just how long that would take. After what she had told him about Mary Sue and her exploits – and her powers of turning the most hatred-filled anti-social bishonen (an ancient word in the Su language for "love interest") into a warm and out-of-character nice-guy looking for a little cottage, a perfect Stepford Wife and a fondness for picking out china and pets – he knew he had cause to be alarmed. "I will be that desperate only if you tell me that you really mean that you can't help."

"I can help, Lucien." the mage corrected, still looking hopeful. She had almost no skill in keeping her emotions off her face and her enthusiasm was visible when she took another volume and flicked through the pages. "In a way."

"How can you help without coming here to stop her?" the Speaker asked doubtfully. She was a mage of competence, yes, but compared to what she had said about Mary… well, it seemed that nothing short of all the Daedra of Oblivion would be able to stop her. That was an idea. "Can you send some of your Daedra to kill her?"

"No, they would become soft and wussy if I tried." the mage noted with a dismissive gesture until she finally found her page. "There is another who might be able to help."

"Who? If they're in Cyrodiil – anywhere in Tamriel – I'll find them and persuade them."

The mage clicked her tongue but didn't comment on that. She knew Lucien well enough to understand that he would make good on that threat. "That won't be necessary. She will help you."

"She? You're making me edgy now." And what an achievement that was, especially for the little mage who tended to flinch whenever Dark Brotherhood business was discussed.

"Her name is forgotten, but the creature you seek is known as the Anti Sue." the mage explained, showing him the page in the book titled Fanfiction 101. A strange title; there were pictures there, but this entry had none. "They are very rare nowadays." The mage closed the dusty tome and put it away, smiling somewhat at having more good news for the Speaker. "Fortunately, I tracked one down in the Cadlew Chapel, where she was seen last. You should look in the vicinity."

Lucien nodded curtly. He knew that consulting her was a good idea. Bless her little black heart; she always helped when the Brotherhood needed resources accessible only to the Mage's Guild or, at times, only the Original Characters. If this worked, he would have to show her his appreciation somehow. "What does this thing look like?"

"I can't say. She's sentient, but definitely not an elf. My guess? An orc blessed with the powers of the Anti Sue." the mage theorized, "I hear they are passed down from master to apprentice."

"That should be enough for a solid trail. If this Anti Sue exists, I will find her." Lucien vowed, intent on setting out right away. The sooner Mary would be dealt with, the better. For his own sake. "Judging by the way you speak of her, I think she and Mary will be quite the match."

"I should warn you that the two might collide and wipe each other from existence if they…"

"Good." Lucien interjected firmly.

It earned him an indulgent but genuine smile from the young mage, rather like a patient school teacher trying to discipline a rogue student. "Lucien…"

"In the meantime, you should try and use that famed magic of yours to try and get me out of here somehow." Lachance noted, preparing his riding boots and some rudimentary traveling necessities. "Just as a precaution, in case I don't find this Anti Sue."

"That goes against the Great Plot…" Catching his eye, the mage sighed slightly. Refusing was not an option. "But I'll try. I'll send a Dremora to contact you if I find anything you might be able to use."

"My thanks, dearest Cousin." Lachance noted as a farewell, using the age-old nickname for her. "Walk always."

And at last, the mage gave a slightly cheeky smile. "No offense, but I prefer riding."