self insert madness chapter 4 A Stoner's Story
It had been 3 months since we had arrived in the naruto world and the fight between Jade and Sakura and her subsequent hopsitalisation , so far it seemed like we had adjusted fairly well- bwhhhahahaaha- shut up andrew.
Ok so 2 of us had been adjusting fairly well. I have some issues with authority. That is why I am currently standing outside the Hokage's office trying to think of a good enough excuse or a way of avoiding Tsunade entirely.
279 counts of insubordination, 23 counts of harrassment, 4 counts of grevious bodily harm, 2 counts of attempted murder and 7 counts of breaking and entering into the Hyugga compound hotsprings (dont ask I'll explain later). I think there were a few other things but I had stopped caring by that point. It was at that moment that I came across an idea. The Hokage had a meeting with the council in 2 hours. I can avoid ANBU for an hour easily. As such I was carried into Tsunade's office an hour later entirely calm because I HAD A PLAN!
-Oh here we go- come on Jade it's not that bad. - this is the first time your explaining how you escaped that meeting and that was years ago-
'where have you been? That will be another count of insubordination.' There were the dulcet tones of our teams incompetent and nameless jounin sensei.
'Explain where you have been for the past hour and why my ANBU had to search for you' that was Tsunade and there was my cue to start bullshitting.
'well I was just carried away attempting to explain something VERY complicated... but it doesn't really matter I don't think you could understand it anyway' this little barb left Tsunade exactly as angry as I was hoping. 'No really I insist you explain ' Tsunade said through gritted teeth.
-Jade, Andrew before you kill me it was the only way and I was kind of drugged at the time-WHAT?-trust me just don't ask but you remember that restraining order on Shizune for trying to remove my bones with a scalpel it kind of involves that- ok you were right I don't want to know-
'ok then it all started with me trying to explain this to Neji because of the thing that happened in the hotsprings and I didn't want to get my balls jyukened off because of a misunderstanding. I don't like Hanabi she's FAR FAR too young for me. Neji then asked me then who did I like and why I was invading the girls side of the Hyuuga hotsprings.
Then it got complicated' Now it became a question of whether I could drag this explanation out until her meeting so I was gonna need to really make proper bullshit.
'ok I'm asexual but not aromantic and I like Jade. Jade doesn't like anyone but to get this guy to stop flirting with her pretended that we were going out. Couper likes this girl from one of the villages on a C rank a while ago (shania) but Tenten likes him and was really freaking him out so pretended to be going out with me. Sakura tried to ask me out to make Sasuke jealous but I wasn't interested but didn't want to upset her because she has a few issues after the incident, so I told her I was going out with Hinata and then told Hinata that I was gay and hoped she'd cover for me with Sakura. She did but then told Shino and it turns out he likes me. Nothing against Shino but I can't deal with bugs that close to me and I'm not actually gay but didn't want to upset Shino. Shino had actually heard about my fake realationship with Jade that I had told Tenten was just a cover but then managed to convince Shino that I WAS gay but that I was actually gender-confused and a lesbian going out with Jade and then Kiba said that he could smell Tenten on me because of a little fight because she can be a bit closeminded and it was at that point that Shino thought that I was cheating on Jade which made me panic and I ended up saying that it was an open relationship but could Shino keep it secret. At that point Neji got pissed because he has a thing with Tenten and tried to kill me anyway and that was how the ANBU found me with no access to my chakra nailed to the wall of the hotsprings and Neji on fire hanging from a lamp post.' Easily took an hour before she could make sense of that story even with the flow chart I drew on her desk and so I was once again a free man thanks to the impeccable timing of the council.
-YOU TOLD HER WHAT!-I'm not fucking gay Samuel-I'm not in a lesbian relationship with Tenten or you-
Yeah I know I never said any of it was true I needed to avoid being exiled or executed so sorry I wasn't able to think of a way of doing it without compromising your dignity.
OMAKE
Why Shizune wants my head on a stick
It was all Kiba's 's my story and I'm sticking to it. He did something very stupid and my revenge happened to hit the wrong person. He was talking to me everything was normal. Kiba isn't exactly the greatest when it comes to women. However that does not excuse what he said. He asked whether I was going out with Tenten . I said no . He said that he was glad she was single because and I quote 'she was a fine piece of ass'. I like Tenten. Any girl with such a love of stabby things clearly has her priorities straight. I couldn't just let Kiba get away with that. What I did was steal a few things from his sister. Being a vet and an Inuzuka she had access to a couple of pheromones that would simulate that of a dog in heat. You see where I'm going with this? I managed to get enough to fill a bucket. I knew Kiba had a physical because of an injury Hinata told me about. My plan was a classic bucket on top of the doorframe. The problem was Kiba wasn't the first person to come out of the room , Shizune was. At first she was annoyed , she thought it was just water , she was chasing me probably to lecture me and probably would have forgiven me. I'm not a nice person. I ran through the Inuzuka compound dove through a window into the room their clan was meeting in waited for Shizune to follow then jumped out the opposite window. Shizune wasn't so lucky. When she finally managed to get away she had to burn the clothes she had been wearing , preferably using me or my house as kindling. To make things worse I discovered something very funny. Adolescent male Inuzuka are quite effected by the pheromones I used that's why only vets were meant to have access to them. Kiba had another physical with her about 3 days after. He won't tell me what happened and Shizune still attempts to kill me on sight but all I know is that Kiba walked into that room and was wheeled out of it , with a massive handprint across his face. Shizune did eventually find out about what was meant to happen and decided that it was a good idea to drug me with a mild hallucinogen before team training hoping I'd do something stupid or get murdered I'm sure. Unfortunately for her that was the day I had my meeting with the Hokage and it all worked out in my favour. Appropriate revenge on Kiba still pending
A/n well good luck making sense of that one. Just to make absolutly certain none of this is real. While I am asexual but not aromantic everything from that point onward is made up. About the chapter name I've never been high it's only a reference to Shizune's revenge