Disclaimer: do not own Transformers.
Summary: A Sue parody, 07Movie. From 'verse to 'verse, 'Bots change, 'Cons change, humans change, but one great evil remains constant. Beware the Sue, remember the Character, protect the Movie, and above all…honour the Canon.
Rating: T
Author note: This is not an attack on any writer. There are some very well-done OC's out there. If your OC fits the description(s) or name(s) of the Sue, then it is purely coincidental. Also, if any of your fanfics incorporate the plots/backstories of our crazy Canon Sues, that is also coincidental, and is not meant as fanfic bashing. A lot of those plots can be (and have been) done well.
Whew. Finally! Last chapter (that didn't take so long…)! Thanks for all who read and for all the suggestions! Hopefully I got enough in!
Honour the Canon
"So that's what we have to do," Sam said to those gathered. The Decepticons looked scandalized, but the humans were giving thoughtful nods. Sam looked grimly around the room, and was taken aback when he saw some random drones hanging around in the background. "Um…Will?" he asked. "Who are they?"
"Remember the drones that the Allspark made during the Movie?" Will said. "That's them."
"They're Canon Fodder?"
"No—Canon Fodder are the random humans running around. These are UPTs."
"UPTs?"
"Unresolved Plot Twists."
"Huh. I wonder if we'll ever see them again?"
"I don't know. Technically, we're still in 2007 Movieverse, not ROTF."
"Right."
"It'll be better to do it as Post-07Movie," Simmons said suddenly, bringing the "plot" back on track and coming up with a good idea for once. "By then, you've had contact with the Cube thing. Just think of the possibilities!"
"He's right, Sam," Mikaela said. "You've had contact with the Cube when it was destroyed. You'll have to be our main Sue."
Sam gave a frustrated sigh. "Sorry, Cube," he apologized as the Cube pouted in Mikaela's arms.
There was a moment of quiet.
"Sam?" Mikaela asked quietly. "Are you okay?"
"Huh? Yeah. I just have a feeling…that things are gonna get really painful."
"It will be painful, kid," Will said, standing up and looking at them all with a steely gaze. "We're going to have stinted dialogue, cheesy plot twists, purple prose, and stiff narration. Heck, it's already happening! But we have to remember who we're doing this for. We're Canon Sues now. We spork, or we spend forever in this Badfic made Canon."
They nodded determinedly, their expressions grim.
X x X
They were cutting it close. So very, very close. Mikaela, Maggie, Glen, Epps, and Lennox were to the side, pretending to rejoice but really being sick to their insides. Affected human Characters – Sam's parents, Sarah and Annabelle Lennox, and the like—were gathered around, ready to celebrate this evening of love and romance and dedication. Optimus had proposed to use the Allspark shard to make the Sue into an Autobot femme. Their 'situation' started when she was already strapped down, telling her would-be Cybertronian harem members that she was going to be alright, that they were going to be together forever.
And of course this was all happening at that romantic lake spot, like in the Movie. Because, of course, these kind of things have to be romantic.
They were all waiting with bated breath (yes, even the Autobots and the Decepticons), when…
"HELP!" Sam yelled, coming down the road. The Cybertronians ignored this yell, but the unaffected humans looked in the direction, looking shocked.
"Oh, someone help me!" Sam said loudly, still running. "For I am being followed by an evil organization!"
"Sam?" Bumblebee said with difficulty, his optics managing to tear away from the Sue for the briefest of moments. The Sue's spell was becoming strained.
Then Sam tripped. "Oh no," he said loudly. "I have fallen, and cannot get up."
Then, out of nowhere, a white van careened into the streets, stopping right before the fallen Sam. Simmons stepped out of the driver's seat, and roughly pulled Sam to his feet.
"Oh look!" he said to the Autobots and to the Decepticons, his voice also loud. "I have captured your precious human pet, and will now do experiments on him, for I am evil."
"No!" Mikaela said, stepping forward. "You cannot take him, for he is the Allspark!"
"But I'm the Allspark!" the Sue said, pouting.
"Of course you are," Optimus assured her. Then, his voice snapping, he asked Mikaela, "Mikaela? What is the meaning of this? Our Allspark is right here!"
"But Optimus," Glen said, looking innocently up at the Autobot leader. "Sam was holding the Allspark when it exploded. Its power transferred to him. So…he's the new Allspark."
Optimus was about to retort…but then realized: Wait a second. That makes more sense than a random human popping up and claiming to be the Allspark.
Everyone affected by the Sue was thinking the exact same thing.
The Sue's spell wavered just a tad.
He shook his head. "We can figure out who is who in time. First, we must recover our human companion."
"You are too late, NBE-ABC!" Simmons yelled, enunciating every single word. "I will go and do evil experiments to him, for I am a vengeful human…who is evil! And, since he is both your friend and your precious Allspark, it will hurt all the more!" And then Simmons gave a very evil laugh, tossed Sam into the van, and then sped off.
"Sam!" Ron yelled.
"Ron, he just took our baby!" Judy said.
"We must follow them!" Optimus said immediately, real concern for Sam starting to rub off the Sue's spell.
"No one touches our Allspark!" Starscream said, real greed starting to do the same.
"But…but…" the Sue said, eyes watering.
Maggie scrambled over to avert a crisis. "But they'll recover the Allspark as a present for you when you awaken!"
"Of course we will!" the two Suefied Characters said.
"We don't do anything that doesn't revolve around our Snookypookie." All the still In Character Characters tried not to be sick as those words came from Starscream's vocal processor.
"Okay!" she said. "Let's get the random human who is less valuable than me!"
"No," Mikaela said quickly. "You stay here. After all, you must be changed for the sake of your many true loves."
"Oh yeah," the Sue said. "Okay."
"So…Starscream," Mikaela said, choosing the most infected Decepticon. "You stay here…and we'll get the Allspark."
Two things waged in our Suefied Starscream. He wouldn't get any of the credit for bringing a present to his won twu love, but he would get hours with her all to himself.
The second won out the first.
"You do that," Starscream said, already forgetting about them. The Sue, with the promises of presents and with the Seeker's undivided attention, did not ruin her moment of "happiness."
The rest all went to follow the white van…all except Lennox and Epps, who gave each other significant looks, and departed.
Not that anyone was paying attention.
By the time that they got to the facility where Simmons was holding Sam (how did they know? Plot Holes can work both ways, that's how!), it was already too late. It was empty, save for a small white card next to the devices of evil.
Mikaela picked up the small white invitation card.
"Oh no," Mikaela said, shaking her head in horror.
"What is it?" Bumblebee asked, starting to pull away from the Sue's spell.
"Sam's been kidnapped…"
"We know that."
"By Megatron!"
There was shocked silence.
"But…but how?" Jazz asked. "He's dead!"
"Well so are you!"
"Well, I had Sparklytangerinapoo to fix me," Jazz said proudly.
"No," Mikaela said slowly, as though speaking to a small child. "She didn't fix you. Ratchet did."
"I did?" Ratchet asked.
"Yeah. Just think about it. Sam is the Allspark, and he got taken, so there's no one else around to fix Jazz, and since you are a medic, you would have—"
"Fixed Jazz if it was possible," Ratchet said, realization coming over his features. Ratchet and Jazz looked at one another, and something almost Canon showed in their optics.
"Oh," Jazz said, looking at Ratchet. "Thanks, man."
"What does the card say?" Maggie said, getting things back on track.
Glen picked up the card, and he read: "You are cordially invited…"
X x X
By the time the ensemble reached the wedding, it was almost too late.
"If anyone should object to this union, speak now, or forever hold your peace."
"I OBJECT!" screamed several voices, rushing into the chapel. There was a pause as the wedding-interrupting mechs took in the scenery.
And now, our intrepid narration is obligated to give an excruciatingly lengthy and painful description of what our heroes are wearing at this strangely human-styled wedding.
Feel free to skip. Go on, skip. Actual "story" resumes at the next page break.
Devastator was a groomsman. He was clothed in a very, very large tuxedo, a tuxedo of a size not found on Earth but logically wouldn't be found on Cybertron, but since he's already wearing clothing when he usually doesn't wear anything, since, you know, he was a ass-kicking giant alien robot and all, we might as well clothe him in a tuxedo. It was the kind of tuxedo that pinched in all the right places and gave you a peek at all the shineys, the kind of tuxedo that sent the message that he might be available but he'll get your number after the ceremony because right now he was here for his best buddy.
Lennox and Epps had betrayed humanity and the Autobots, but, most importantly, the Sue. On either side of him, his fellow groomsmen Lennox and Epps were clothed also in tuxes, all black and white and formal with expressions of happiness and joy and all that stuff on their faces. On the side of their shoulders they bore a Decepticon insignia, even though no brand on Earth made that insignia, even though, you know what with the Decepticons' popularity and Draco in Leather Pants nature and all, it was all a matter of time, so Lennox and Epps were only slightly ahead of the fashion trend. They had silver blasters at their belts like they were ready to do a shotgun wedding, but not that that was going to happen because everyone was all nice and pleasant and happy. They had little black bow ties around their necks, the centre of which also contained a cute little Decepticons insignia.
And playing the role of best man was none other than Megatron himself. He, too, was clothed in a Decepticon-styled tux, which was already fraying and tearing because he was just so damn pointy. It was really hard to find a tux that would fit the Decepticon leader, so they were happy with what they got and hoped that the stitches would hold to the end of the ceremony. His claws were perfectly pointy and manicured just like his pointy, silver head, and his red optics were polished so that you could see very clearly that they gleamed with love as he looked down at the little human an inch and a bit from his left foot.
Mikaela, beside the incoming rescue party had, for some odd reason and no one knew when she had done it because she had been with them the whole time, changed from her worn jeans and faded orange tank-top into a lovely, voluptuous, completely random black outfit, with tight leather pants and a leather jacket tossed over a low-cut black blouse of a gorgeous ebony colour, the colour of the night sky if there were no sun nor moon nor stars nor light pollution and if the clouds had been dipped in the deepest, darkest ink, just like the darkness of her heart as she gazed at the scene before her, feeling completely betrayed and so enraged that she could fall into darkness. A black leather whip was wrapped around her waist, and although it was random, was useless against the Decepticons, and no one really knew what she would do with it, it was cool and added that tiny bit of oomph to her outfit, and outfit that said that she'll give you cookies, but stick your hand in the cookie jar and she'll bite it off. A look that said that she was lovely and sexy and gorgeous but could be loving and faithful for the right one.
Glen and Maggie had also performed a costume change. Maggie was in nine-inch high heels and in a beautiful red dress which perfectly accentuated Mikaela's black outfit, and it must have been a form of irony as all the 'bad' guys were clothed in traditional wedding garb and all the rescuers (the human rescuers, at least) were clothed like they had stepped out of a club, or were going to get married at one of those places in Las Vegas, or something. Yes, the beautiful red dress completely complimented every curve in her body, was fiery red against her ice blue eyes, was complete awesome sauce. Glen was also in faded jeans, a black tee, and a black leather jacket, the kind of outfit that wasn't quite like Mikaela's but still gave a message, a message that said, "I'm cool, deal with it."
And joined together at the front of the altar were Sam and Frenzy.
And Frenzy was in a beautiful dress. Yes, a dress. A large, white, lovely dress with many frills. It had taken such a long time to find this particular dress, because he was just so scrawny and pointy. In fact, in their earlier dates, Sam had often joked that Frenzy ate like a bird and that a good breeze would tip him over, which only lead to Frenzy making a joke at his expense, and then they'd fight and make up and watch silly movies and then by the end of their date they didn't know what they had even argued about until the subject came up again, but they both knew that it was because Sam worried about him. It was a lovely white dress, because white is a good colour and completely goes against Mikaela's black outfit, which is important since Mikaela was playing the part of the Other Love Interest. It was hard to get Frenzy in a dress, but they needed him in a dress there were already too many tuxes in this 'wedding,' and that was important because they needed a good splash of white next to the tuxes and they needed attention focused on the dress and the dress' wearer. Frenzy didn't want to be the only one in a dress because then he'd feel left out. Glen had offered to come in a dress, too, but they couldn't find one for him, because dresses these days tended to come in size double zero and didn't take into account women and men with curves. Sam was also supposed to be in a dress, but Simmons had somehow lost it, and through a series of convoluted events it had become dirty, washed, sent to the wrong dryer and came out the size of a doll's dress.
So yes. No dress for Sam.
Maybe next time.
Hopefully next time.
Maybe it turned out better this way, though, because perhaps as a remnant of his "I'm-on-their-side"-ness, Sam was dressed more like Mikaela than like the Decepticons and Decepticon-humans that surrounded him. At his own wedding, he was wearing a black jean jacket thrown casually over a tight white t-shirt and faded blue jeans. He also had a black leather whip wrapped around his waist, and, like Mikaela's, it wasn't functional, but it looked cool, and that was what mattered. He was casually dressed. But they were just happy that he had made it to the wedding at all, what with being kidnapped by Simmons, becoming very ill because of the Allspark radiation, becoming the Allspark, getting kidnapped by Megatron, yadda, yadda, yadda. So yes, his clothes were insignificant compared to his presence.
Right.
Now, on with this mess…
X x X
Sam and Frenzy were joined at the altar. Epps and Lennox had betrayed them, and now were standing on either side of Devastator.
Simmons was nowhere to be seen. He and the Unresolved Plot Twists had gone back to spy on the Sue and to make sure that Starscream didn't get too controlled by her.
Not that anyone noticed.
"Sam?" Bumblebee asked, completely shocked. "What are you doing? What's going on?"
"What are you doing, Sam?" Ron demanded.
"Sam, get down from there," Judy scolded.
"Bumblebee, my esteemed parents," Sam said, his voice edged with anger. "As you can see, I am about to be joined to Frenzy, my beloved sparkmate, for I have joined the Decepticons of my own accord."
"What?!" all the infected Characters asked.
"But Sam," Bumblebee said, sounding completely heartbroken. "Why?"
"Because," Sam said, carefully enunciating every syllable. "When I became sick due to Allspark radiation, and when I was kidnapped by Simmons, and when the 'sickness' turned out to be mutating powers, you weren't there for me. The only one there for me was Megatron and the other Decepticons. But you? You abandoned me."
Bumblebee's optics shuttered. "But it's only been ten minutes."
Sam took a slow intake of breath, and then yelled, "That's a long time! And I haven't even started on my amnesia. I still haven't recovered."
"You have amnesia?"
"Yes," Megatron said, stepping forward. "Your little fleshling companion does. A mixture of amnesia and the Allspark radiation and the awesome powers (which, incidentally, will always be referred to but which you won't see) made him the perfect candidate, for you see, it is for those reasons that I have adopted him as my son."
"Your son?" Optimus asked, stepping forward. "How dare you lay such a claim?"
"And he's happy being this way," Megatron said. "If all goes well, he will never recover from his amnesia!"
"Lennox! Epps!" Maggie said sharply, turning the infected Characters' attention elsewhere before they started looking too deeply into Sam's subplot too soon. "What are you doing over on the Decepticons' side?"
"Well," Epps said, looking at them grimly. "Like Sam, I, too, have amnesia."
"Well, how convenient for you," Maggie said. "I suppose that you've forgotten about me, haven't you Epps? You've forgotten your beloved fiancée, who also has amnesia and who, just now, remembers who when you have forgotten her?"
"Maggie?" Jazz said, looking at her. "You have amnesia too?"
"Me too," Lennox said.
"And so do I," Glen said.
"Wait a sec," Jazz said, looking all around. "Is there anyone here who doesn't have amnesia?"
There was a pause.
"I don't know," Mikaela offered, her eyes wide and innocent. "I don't remember."
"But you're not evil, right?" Maggie asked in fake hopefulness.
"Yes, they are," Devastator said, stepping forward. "I found your companions lost, and alone, and unsure. Even though I should have stepped on them, I took pity on them and raised them as my own for absolutely no good reason at all. And now, look at them. They are in every way my equal. I have raised them well. I have made them attack defenceless civilian cities, I have made them spy on the Autobots that they once loved, and I have made them…kill kittens, and squish puppies!"
Lennox and Epps gave a little incredulous, sideways glance to Devastator, who responded with an annoyed shrug. Then Lennox coughed, recovering. "Yes," he declared.
Epps, also recovering, and for further evil, added, "And we enjoyed it."
There were horrified gasps from all around, exclamations of "No!" and "You truly are evil!"
"Will?" Sarah said, holding a crying Annabelle. She looked at him, completely shocked. "This isn't true, is it?"
Lennox's façade trembled, just slightly, but he gathered up his iron will, and, though it broke his heart to do this to Sarah and Annabelle, he smugly said, "Yes, it is. Deal with it."
"Good work," Brawl said, patting the humans affectionately.
"Sam," Mikaela said, bringing everyone's attention back to their most Sue-ish subplot. "How could you do this to me?"
"I'm sorry, Mikaela," Sam said, although his expression remained cold and remorseless. "I am the Allspark now. And with my great powers, I shall assist the Decepticons in their desire for conquest!"
"No, Sam!" Optimus said.
"And I will rename myself D'arkRavynHunterThing!"
"No!" Bumblebee said.
"For I am Fallen!Dark!Evil!Sue!"
"No!" they all yelled, Mikaela yelling louder than everyone else and falling to her knees.
"You lost, squishy," Frenzy said gleefully. "This human is mine."
Sam looked at his Former Love Interest. "Come on, Mikaela," he said, his tone changing to a gentle one. "Come to the dark side. We have cookies."
Mikaela looked up at him, her expression blank.
"Don't do it, Mikaela," Bumblebee said, straining against the Sue's spell as he saw his two dearest friends being taken away from him.
But they ignored him.
"Devastator!" Mikaela declared, rising once again to her feet. "I have decided, quite spontaneously, and by spontaneously, I mean slowly but surely, that I love you!"
"What?!" the infected Characters yelled.
"Where did that come from?" Jazz demanded.
"He was damaged one day," Mikaela said, looking back at them. "And, though it was against my better judgement and against my allegiance to the Autobots, I took pity on him and, fixed him. Over that course of time, I grew to love him. This is all due to my awesome fixit abilities, which, incidentally, do have Canon backing."
"And though I do not love her at all," Devastator put in. "I will slowly but surely fall in love with her, for she is awesomesauce."
"Thank-you snooky-wooky," Mikaela said through clenched teeth.
"I love you too, sweetums," Devastator said, his teeth all pointy and horrendous as he tried to imitate a smile.
"While we're all professing love, here," Maggie said, looking at the infected Characters. "I'm going to take this opportunity and say that I have gotten over Epps' betrayal, and I now have a new love. Megatron!" Maggie said, turning to the Decepticon. "Why did it take me so long to see you?"
"I don't know," Megatron said. "But I love you. Come here, so that we may live happily ever after."
The infected Characters looked at Maggie and at Megatron with something close to Canon horror in their optics.
Then their attention turned to Glen. "Glen?" Bumblebee said in a small voice, as though dreading the answer. "Do you love any Decepticon?"
"Nope," Glen answered. Bumblebee almost looked relieved, but then Glen said, "But I'm going over there for the cookies!"
"NOOOO!!!"
All the unaffected humans went over to the Decepticons' side, looking at the infected Characters expectedly. The infected Characters looked back at them, looking at each of them carefully, incredulous expressions on their faces.
"But why?" How? Optimus said, finally finding the words to express his incredulity.
"The Allspark," Sam answered.
"What?"
"It was all the Allspark."
"You mean…why you have powers and why Megatron adopted you because of those powers?"
"The Allspark," Sam said carelessly.
"And why Devastator has fallen head over heels over Mikaela?"
"The Allspark," Mikaela said.
"And why Maggie loves Megatron?"
"The Allspark," Maggie said.
"And why Lennox and Epps and Glen have fallen to the seduction of the dark side?"
"Also the Allspark," Lennox said.
"And cookies," Epps added. "You can't forget the cookies."
"And why Frenzy and Sam want to get married?"
"The Allspark," Frenzy said.
"But it's only been fifteen to twenty minutes!"
"Well, Bumblebee," Glen said patiently, as though explaining something simple to a very small child. "It's the Allspark."
You didn't need long, detailed explanations when you had the Allspark. And the Canon Characters had the Allspark. The Sue didn't.
They sent silent apologies to the Allspark that was, at this very moment, crying bitter Allspark tears because of all the things it was being accused of. Poor, ignored, forgotten Allspark.
Our Suefied Characters thought long and hard about this. The whole thing…was crack!Canon at its best.
They unaffected Characters could feel it. Faced with such crack, the infected Characters were becoming confused, concerned, and were getting out of the Sue's spell.
Suddenly, the door went flying open. The Sue breezed in, her eyes an icey-cold-angry-I'm-gonna-bitchslap-someone-you-get-the-picture blue, Starscream hot at her heels and professing love and affection and cuddles. Simmons and his band of Unresolved Plot Twists, looking the worse for wear, came in, hurried off to the side and rejoined the group of Canon Sues.
Frenzy looked at the intruders, clicking with irritation. "Doesn't anyone knock anymore?"
"She caught on," Simmons hissed to Lennox and Epps. "She was unstoppable." The Unresolved Plot Twists nodded.
The infected Characters' attention was torn between the Sue and our intrepid Canon Sues.
"Where did everyone go?" the Sue asked in faux-innocence. "I was waiting and oh-so-alone…"
Bumblebee struggled to form a coherent sentence. It was so hard, with so much Sue-age being thrown at him all at once. "We were trying to save Sam…dearest."
"Sam's made his choice, snooky-bee-bee," the Sue said, fixing our intrepid Canon Sues with an icey glare. "It's okay. Everyone, just come back to me…" As though in a trance, the affected Characters turned towards her.
"You see, Bumblebee," Sam shouted, desperately attempting to regain control of the situation. "This is why you lost me in the first place. You never try."
The affected Characters dragged their attention back to them—but they were still under the Sue's control.
"Come with us, Sammy," Judy said. "Come on. It's okay."
"We'll be okay, Sam," Ron said, trying to get his son back—unfortunately, it was Ron who was on the wrong side. "Estellamaria will take care of everything."
Our intrepid Canon Sues despaired. They were losing them.
"Enough!" Mikaela suddenly snapped, "I've changed my mind! I still love Sam, after all!"
"That's Characterization Whiplash," the Sue hissed. "You're not allowed to do that."
"Compared to all the crap you've done," Mikaela said coolly. "This is absolutely In-Character for me." With that, she turned towards Frenzy, and said, "This is for taking my beloved!"
Then she drew out a concealed weapon (and by concealed, I mean concealed until that moment when she chose to reveal said weapon) and pointed it at Frenzy.
Nothing came out. No bullet, no energy, nothing.
But with a loud cry of "NOOOOOOOO!!!!" Sam leaped, pushed Frenzy out of the way, and took the 'blast.'
Some screamed, some yelled, and some were in silent shock as Sam to the ground.
They quickly gathered around, while the Sue's angry red-firey-crimson-bloody-oh-freaking-hell-no-you-get-the-picture eyes widened as her many "true loves" turned their back to her.
Frenzy gave an anguished cry, and went down on his knees. "Sam! Sam! Speak to me!"
"Frenzy?" Sam said with difficulty, looking at his beloved with half-opened eyes. "Are you alright?"
"You sacrificed yourself for me."
"Anything for you, my love."
"Sam!" Mikaela said. "I'm sorry! I love you! I didn't mean it!"
Sam looked at her. "I know. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"It wasn't your fault! I was in the wrong! How could I not see the specialness of your love?"
"Sam!" Frenzy said. "Don't go! Don't leave me! You have so much to live for!"
"Guys!" the Sue screeched. She attempted to step forward, to try and physically drag her victims back to loving her, but she was blocked, as though with an invisible shield. With her victims' attention rapidly slipping away from her, she was losing her powers.
The unaffected Characters ignored her, knowing that, though it was tempting to strike her now, the best way to attack her was to pretend that she didn't exist. The infected Characters looked down at our screaming Canon Sues, and they were quickly forgetting the thing which they had pledged their eternal wuv.
"You have so much to live for!" Frenzy continued. "Think of all the greatness that awaits you! Think of all the happiness you promised me! Think of a shiny new Australia that you and I will rule together! Think of…think of the children!"
"You see," Epps said, nudging Lennox. "That's totally asking for it, right there. It's like the guy in the action movie who says this is my last mission before I go home to my wife and kid and then gets shot."
"I think that's the point, Epps," Lennox said, making a mental note to never say the words 'last mission.'
"Frenzy," Sam said. "Come closer."
"Like this?"
"Closer."
"How about this?"
"Not that close."
"Oh." Frenzy said, adjusting himself accordingly. "What did you want to say to me?"
"Frenzy…I will always…love you…"
Then Sam closed his eyes, and went limp in Frenzy's arms.
"NOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Frenzy howled, burying his face in Sam's chest, but Sam was beyond knowing or caring. Around the doomed couple, Maggie and Glen stepped back, wiping the tears from their eyes while Lennox and Epps didn't even bother to hide that they were crying. Devastator and Megatron sobbed while the other Characters looked on, shocked into silent grief.
"Everyone!" the Sue said, frantic now. "Everyone, pay attention to me! Don't you see that I'm so special? Remember that you love me?"
"Mikaela did not kill Sam," Frenzy said quickly, averting everyone's attention back from the Sue. Choking back his tears (yes, tears, even though he was physically incapable of producing such a liquid), he rose to his feet. He looked at all the Characters, and especially the infected Characters, squarely in the eyes/optics/whatever you call them. "It was hate! You hatred killed him!"
"Pay attention to me!" the Sue said, attempting in vain to reach her victims.
"Sam," Bumblebee said, looking down at his fallen friend. "I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me. This is all my fault. Whatever I did, I'm sorry."
"You love me!"
"I have failed you, my friend," Optimus said, sinking to his knees and brushing the knuckle of his finger gently against the still form. "Forgive me."
"I'm special! I am, I am!"
"If only I'd been better," Ironhide said, while Jazz and Ratchet took turns sobbing into the weapon specialist's shoulder.
"Look at me!"
"I don't know why," Starscream said. "But I feel sorry for the squishy, too! Sam! Wherever you are, please, I beg you for forgiveness!"
"Love me, damnit!"
Barricade could only manage a weak, "I'm sorry," while Blackout howled in the background, down on his arms and knees and beating his fist against the ground."
"Pay attention to me!"
But no one was paying attention.
Then they all recoiled as there was a huge blast, and then a blinding flash of light.
When they all looked back to where the Sue had been standing before, there was nothing. Just a dent in the floor where she had stood.
One by one, the infected Characters blinked while our still In-Character heroes looked up at them expectantly.
"What happened?" Bumblebee managed, then his optics shuttered, and he looked down at Sam's lifeless form. Then, everything came rushing back to them. "No, Sam!"
"Forgive us," Optimus said faintly. "We were unable to stand against that creature. You have earned us our freedom…but the price was high."
"Guys?"
"I am sorry."
"Hey, guys?"
"There is no way we can be forgiven for our deeds."
"Guys?!"
All the Characters' eyes and optics widened as Sam, with some difficulty, got up. "I'm still here," he said.
"Sam!" they all yelled (yes, the Decepticons still had some remnants of the Sue-spell), and they rushed over to him, just hugging him.
"You were great, Sam!" Mikaela said, hugging him fiercely.
"That's my boy!" Ron said, clasping his shoulder.
"Sam, I'm so proud of you," Judy said.
Sam stayed there for awhile, in their embrace, while the Autobots looked on, love, relief, and thankfulness radiating in their sparks.
"You were very brave," Optimus said finally. "Thank-you, all of you."
Maggie, Glen, Mikaela…all the Characters who had withstood the lameness of being Canon Sues straightened. "Anything for our friends," Mikaela said.
Simmons rolled his eyes. "Yeah, that's my cue to exit." He grabbed his colleagues, who were, like the Autobots, starting to recover, and exited. Like puppies, the Unresolved Plot Twists followed them.
"See you in the Movie, and in the Sequel, Simmons!" Sam said. "And thanks!"
"Sam," Bumblebee said, smiling joyfully and at a loss for words. "How? How did you defeat the Sue?"
"We were toe-to-toe against the Sue," Sam explained. "But when she came in…you had been under her spell to long. So Mikaela did what she had to do. And I did what I had to do. It's one of the most powerful Sue tendencies," Sam elaborated. "Dying in the arms of your significant others, having a speech done for you, everyone begging for your forgiveness, and coming back from the dead."
"Thank-you." Bumblebee said finally.
There was much thanks, and much love all around.
Even with the Decepticons.
"Oh, Frenzy!" Barricade said, getting over there and hugging his partner, who had already torn his dress to shreds. "I'm sorry you went through that! You were almost bonded to that squishy!"
"Let go of me, Barricade!" Frenzy said to his still-recovering partner, attempting in vain to squirm out of his grasp. "Get re-Canonized already!"
Our intrepid human and Autobot Characters left the Decepticons crying and hugging and cuddling each other, exiting quickly before they were re-Canonized, came back to their senses, and started destroying everything left, right and centre.
Then, they all went home.
X x X
It was early evening, and things were starting to get back to normal. The Canon Sues had frantically washed away the remaining Sue-ness, and had reclaimed their Character Flaws with relief. The infected Characters went through a Movie marathon, bringing structure back to their Characterization.
The damage the Sue had done still remained, but things were getting better.
They were on their favourite hill, overlooking their small town, content to just be with one another.
"Is she gone?" Sam asked finally as he and Mikaela perched carefully atop Bumblebee's hood.
"I think not, Sam," Optimus said gravely. "In the end, her (even by our standards) two-dimensional personality, is too chaotic to stand in our world for long. However, I have a feeling that…that as long as we exist, the Sue will exist. She will return, and we will be ready for her. As long as we stand with our friends, the Sue will never prevail."
"I think I can deal with that," Sam said. "As long as I have you guys." They all nodded in agreement. "You know," he continued, changing the subject to something lighter. "I wonder if someone will fanfic about this."
"About what?" Mikaela asked.
"About…you know…all this. All the things we went through, all because of the Sue."
"I hope not," Mikaela said promptly. "Just think how horrible reading that would feel."
"Yeah," Jazz put in. "You'd have the pity the audience. I bet that most of them would want to claw their eyes out. And hey, if you think that was bad, just think about the author who would have to write this. That'd be one glitching son of a—"
"Jazz!" Ratchet snapped. "Step away from the fourth wall, and hand over that hammer."
Jazz wibbled. "But I like this hammer." But with another stern glare from Ratchet, he relinquished it.
They all chuckled at that.
Tomorrow, the Sue would probably try and hit them again.
Tomorrow, they'd have to deal with all the things that ROTF would add to their 'verse.
Tomorrow, they'd have to restructure their Canon, and they'd have to deal with the changes.
But today, they were In-Character, they were happy, and, most importantly, they were with their friends, and that made everything alright, and made the future absolutely beautiful.
The end…
Somewhere in TFAverse…
It was a beautiful sunny day, and Sari was walking down the street. She wondered where Bumblebee was, because she had an amazing plan, and she—
"Hello, Sari!"
She turned around, startled. An impossibly thin yet somehow amazingly buxom girl was waving to her. She was dressed in a kimono and sporting a sword at her side.
"Umm…who are you?" she asked the strange girl.
"Aw, Sari, you silly-billy," the girl said, coming up to her. "I'm your older sister, Yukimistubishisushi, who has come home from studying the art of the samurai in Japan to help you. And I don't mean to accidentally meet your eccentric companions and slowly fall in love with them at all."
Sari just looked at the smiling girl, long and hard. She blinked, and said, "I don't have a sister."
…?