Day 4: Cactus Juice Flim-Flammery
Pairings: Kataang (Katara x Aang), Sukka (Sokka x Suki), Maiko (Zuko x Mai)
Genres: Humor/Friendship
Rating: M
Setting: Modern AU at the Beifong mansion
Warning: Incidental Zucest
Cactus Juice Flim-Flammery
"And… we're recording," Katara announced, pointing the camera at Toph.
"Hey everyone! This is your home girl, T Money, coming at you live from the Beifong mansion – "
"We're not livestreaming!" the waterbender corrected crossly from behind the device. "At least I hope we're not."
"ANYWAY…" Toph gave a quick glare in Katara's direction and then looked more or less back at the camera. "My parents are out of town on business, so naturally things are about to get a bit crazy. In fact, you're about to witness history in the making." She smirked mischievously. "We're about to partake in the infamous cactus juice challenge! You probably already know how it works, but just in case you don't, I'll explain the rules. Basically, everyone here is going to take a shot of whatever's in front of them. All the shot glasses are filled with pure Arizonian cactus juice, courtesy of Sokka – "
Katara panned the camera over to her brother.
"I know a guy," he grinned pompously.
She panned back over to Toph.
" – except for two, which are just filled with water and a drop of green food dye. The sober ones win, or lose, depending on how you look at it. I for one am hoping to get cactus juice. Now, let's meet our lucky participants! First, we have the pun master, Sokka, as you already know – "
He shot finger-guns at the camera.
" – then we have his lovely girlfriend and first-degree black belt, Suki…"
The purple-eyed girl smiled and waved politely.
"…the beautiful and impossibly limber, Ty Lee…"
The girl in the braided ponytail blew a kiss to the camera.
"…the goth queen, Mai…"
The pale-skinned girl rolled her eyes.
"…the governor's very own children, master firebenders, and world's worst siblings, Zuko and Azula, who are currently not speaking to each other…"
"She put a mushroom on my chair at lunch!" Zuko shouted, "It stuck to my pants when I got up and no one told me about it!"
"It's not my fault you have lousy friends, mushroom butt," Azula sneered.
"I'm gonna get you back so hard," he threatened, "Just you wait and see what I have in store for you!"
"I'm shaking…" Her words oozed with sarcasm.
"…well at least they're speaking now," Toph continued. "Then we have the bad boy with an oral fixation, Jet…"
With a straw blade in his mouth, the dark-eyed boy flashed the camera a charismatic smirk.
"…the one, the only, almighty Avatar and incurable prankster, Aang…"
The boy with the arrow tattoos began airbending some marbles around in a circle with a wide, cheesy smile plastered on his face.
"…the fierce waterbender and mother hen to us all, Katara…"
The girl with hair loopies spun the camera around to face herself. "For the record, I do not condone tonight's activities." She pointed it back at the blind girl.
"…and last, but certainly not least… me! Toph! The greatest, most powerful earthbender in the world and hostess extraordinaire. Now it's time for the fun part… drinking! Put the camera on the tripod, Sugar Queen."
Katara secured the camera and joined the rest of the group sitting in a circle in the center of the living room.
"Everybody ready?" Toph grinned, holding up her shot glass.
Everyone nodded, some more hesitantly than others.
"On the count of three…"
The group proceeded to chant, "One… TWO… THREE…" They downed their drinks.
One by one, their pupils began to dilate. Then the hallucinations started.
Toph was the first one hit. "I CAN SEE!" she shrieked, abruptly standing up and running straight into a wall.
Azula was next, suddenly losing her ability to speak English. "Ma mère pense que je suis un monstre. J'ai besoin de quelqu'un qui m'aimer…"
"Doesn't she take Latin?" Zuko asked, deeply confused.
"Mmhmm," Ty Lee confirmed.
Then Katara was struck. "Hey, who pooped on the treadmill?" She went over to examine the exercise machine, which turned out to be a potted plant.
Ty Lee started acting up after that. She curled into a ball on the floor. "I am nothing but a particle. The universe continues to expand, and I continue to shrink. Soon I will be gone."
All of a sudden, Aang ripped off his shirt and proceeded to tie it as a makeshift bandana around his head. "The quest has begun. I am level one. Who has a sword I can borrow?"
As if possessed by a spirit, Mai stood up and walked robotically over to the couch where she sat down with a rigidly straight back. She didn't say anything, but her eyes were as wide as saucers.
Then Zuko got up and joined his girlfriend on the couch. But instead of sitting, he began removing all the pillows and building a fort on the floor. "We must prepare for winter."
"And then there were three." Jet shifted his eyes from Sokka to Suki.
"Sokka, wouldn't it be great if we ended up being sober together?" Suki asked. "We could see what it would be like to be parents… to a bunch of teenagers… who are also high out of their minds."
"Yeah, that would be fun!" He gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get ready." Sokka began shedding all of his clothing.
"What are you doing?!" Suki hissed.
"All done!" He shot up, wearing nothing but his birthday suit, and began running aimlessly around the mansion.
"And then there were two." Jet grinned. "Guess you're stuck babysitting with me."
"Great," Suki groaned.
Jet walked over to the tripod, grabbed the camera, and pointed it at himself. "Don't you worry, guys." He smirked diabolically. "I'll make sure you don't miss a thing."
"Beautiful water mage," Aang cooed, kneeling in front of his girlfriend, "Will you accompany me on my quest? It is a matter of good versus evil. The fate of the entire world depends on it!"
"I will, handsome minstrel, but first, I will require some armor."
The Avatar ran into the coat closet and returned with someone's leather jacket before snugly tying the sleeves around Katara's head.
"Perfect. Let us set sail." She jumped onto his back.
The couple pretended to board a ship and took off into another room.
"Jet." Suki turned to the cameraman. "I don't think we can watch them all. This is a real shit show!"
"Yeah," he laughed, "Toph's parents are gonna be pissed."
The purple-eyed girl looked around, panicked. "Where is Toph?!"
Jet spun around. "I don't know. Ty Lee's gone too."
As if on cue, Toph barged in through the front door with a wheelbarrow full of sand.
"Ah, well there's one of them." Jet pointed the camera at the earthbender. "Whatchya got there?"
"There's no time for that!" The blind girl pushed the wheelbarrow into the dining room and poured the sand all over the floor. "The reconstruction has to be finished before midnight!"
"You're right, Toph. But I think you're gonna need more sand than that."
"Why are you encouraging her to do bad things?!" Suki snapped at Jet.
"Relax." He zoomed in on her angry face. "It's not our house. We're not responsible."
She glared into the camera and then abruptly turned around at the sound of shouting.
"WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!" Zuko cried, hovering over his pillow fort that had just been knocked down.
"C'était un accident!"
"English, please!"
"It was an accident. I'm sorry. I'll help you rebuild your igloo." Azula crouched down and began assembling the pillows.
"Well, there you have it," Suki said into the camera, "The world's worst siblings actually get along when they're tripping on cactus juice."
Jet pointed the camera at himself. "And now we have documented evidence of Azula apologizing. We've just witnessed the impossible." He panned the camera from the fire siblings to Zuko's girlfriend on the couch.
Mai hadn't moved an inch. She sat with pristine posture, completely zoned out.
Naked Sokka whizzed past the camera.
"We're gonna need censor bars," Suki muttered.
The boy with the straw blade in his mouth scrunched his face. "Do you smell something cooking?"
Suki's eyes widened. "The kitchen!"
"Don't eat that!" Suki snatched a burger out of Aang's hand before he could take a bite.
"But why not? It smells so good!"
"Because you're a vegetarian!"
"But I want the burger!" he whined.
"Did someone say 'burger'?" Sokka grinned, sneaking up behind his girlfriend, still completely nude except for a newly acquired red hairband.
"Sokka!" the Avatar shouted with excitement, "That's top-notch armor right there. Join our quest!"
"I'm listening… what's in it for me?"
"You can be the warrior! But you have to start at level one."
"Can I eat that burger?"
Suki groaned and handed it over to him.
"Hey… maybe we should look for Ty Lee," Jet suggested. "She's been gone awhile."
"But this mansion's huge – "
"We've got this. Aang, Katara, and Sokka are in the kitchen, Toph is in the dining room – "
"Are you sure about that?"
They ran over to the dining room to find that the blind earthbender had filled it with even more sand. It appeared she was building some sort of sandy snowman.
"And Mai, Zuko, and Azula are theoretically still in the living room."
"Mai has been wonderful," Suki noted, "She hasn't moved at all."
"Not gonna lie… she's starting to scare me," Jet admitted.
"Can we just doublecheck the living room before we go look for Ty Lee?"
"Fine," he murmured.
"Whew," Suki sighed with relief. "Mai's still there… being a statue."
"And Zuko and Azula must be inside the pillow fort."
They peaked inside. It was empty.
"Great! Now we've lost the firebenders!" The purple-eyed girl dropped her head into her hands.
"Shhhh." Jet paused. "Do you hear that?"
Suki strained her ears. "Yeah… it's like a low drone. What is that?"
Jet walked the camera closer to Mai. She was muttering something on repeat under her breath.
"Cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages…"
"What the actual fuck?!" He nearly dropped the camera out of fear. "Mai, cut that out!"
"Uh oh." Suki looked into the camera with panic. "I think Aang's cooking another burger!"
They darted into the kitchen.
"AANG, NO!" Suki grabbed another burger out of his hands.
"Suki," Katara tried to reason, "We need to eat before we go on our quest."
"Then how about you eat this burger and we'll find something else for Aang?"
"I don't want it. I lost my appetite after that pigeon drank the goldfish over there."
Suki growled. "Sokka, you're getting another burger."
"Yippee!" the naked boy cheered. "But tell me… why are you frozen in a block of ice?"
"I – I'm not!" she stammered, growing impatient.
"I found Ty Lee!" Jet exclaimed, having zoomed the camera out the window. "She's in a tree in the backyard!"
They hurried out the back door and walked up to the tree.
"Hey, sweetie," Suki tried to coax, "Can you come down from there?"
"I have found my place in the universe," Ty Lee hummed. "I am the universe. We are all connected. We are one."
"I'm glad you're enlightened and all, but I'm going to need you to come down from that tree."
"I am the tree."
"You know who would really like to hear about your existential insight? Aang. Why don't we go talk to him?"
She paused to consider her friend's words. "Aang is my brother. I will talk to him." She jumped down from the tree and followed Suki and Jet inside, just in time for Suki to snatch a third burger from the Avatar.
"Stop making burgers!" she scolded.
Ty Lee approached Aang and Katara, draping her arms around their shoulders. "Air is water. Water is air. Just think about that."
"She's right," Sokka agreed, stealing the burger from his girlfriend and biting into it.
Suki shook her head before taking a deep breath. "Okay. I will make Aang a veggie burger and ensure these four stay put, and Jet, you go check up on Toph and Mai and try to find Zuko and Azula."
"Do I have to check up on Mai?! She's terrifying!"
"YES!"
"Okay, okay. Geesh."
Using the camera as his eyes, Jet found the blind earthbender in the living room, creating a whole village of sand people. "Toph. Check," he muttered to himself as he walked past on his way to the living room.
"Cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages, cabbages…" Mai continued to chant with her eyes affixed to the wall in front of her.
"You really need to stop doing that. You're creeping me out." Jet took a seat next to her on the couch to get more footage of her disturbing trance.
Slowly and robotically, Mai turned her head toward the camera, her hypnotic chanting growing louder in volume. "Cabbages, cabbages, CABBAGES, CABBAGES, CABBAGES! THEY'RE COMING!" Then she started screaming.
"Fuck this, I'm out!" Jet trembled, dashing out of the room. When he felt safe, he turned the camera around to face himself. "I didn't sign up for this Blair Witch shit. Wait…" He raised an eyebrow as he tried to figure out what was making an odd breathy sound somewhere near him. Turning the camera back around, he pressed his ear to the coat closet door. "Someone's in there…" He turned the knob and barged in.
His eyes grew wide. His mouth fell open. "Ho…ly…shit…" He grinned, staring for an inappropriate amount of time before he slammed the door and ran off to get his fellow babysitter. "Suki! Suki!" he cried, "You have to see this!"
"What?! What?!" she yelped, worried that something awful had happened.
"Just come on! Trust me." He grabbed her hand and tried to pull her away from the kitchen.
"Jet, no! I have a room full of idiots to look after. Aang keeps trying to eat burgers, Sokka keeps rubbing his naked ass on everything, Ty Lee seems to have transcended this world or something, and Katara keeps trying to airbend!"
"Water is air. Air is water," the waterbender said pensively, reciting what Ty Lee had said.
"You don't understand!" he urged, "You have to see this. It will be worth your while."
She sighed. "Fine. Make it quick."
He led her to the coat closet, making sure to film her reaction. "Open."
She gave a hesitant glance at the camera before opening the door. She gasped audibly at the sight, quickly covering her mouth with her hands! "Y-YOU CAN'T DO THAT!"
Inside the closet, Zuko had Azula pinned up against the wall. They were sucking each other's faces off like there was no tomorrow.
"They really are the world's worst siblings," Jet chuckled, zooming in on the steamy action.
"Stop filming them!" Suki hissed, smacking Jet on the arm. "They're the governor's children!"
"Exactly," he sneered. "This is gold. We have blackmail on them for life."
She glared at him. "I think you're enjoying this a little too much."
"Eh." He shrugged.
"Zuko," Suki beseeched, "Can you come out of the closet, please?"
Jet failed to stifle a laugh at the double meaning.
"Stop cock blocking me," Zuko grumbled, immediately getting back to his make-out session.
Suki tried again with the other sibling. "Azula! If you come out, there's a… there's a poor person you can tease!"
"Hm… that does sound fun…" She pushed her brother away from her. "Okay!" She stepped out and looked to her right and left. "Where's the hobo?"
Jet stopped her. "What did you think you were doing in there just now?" he questioned, attempting to stir the pot.
"Oh! I just made out with Sokka!" Azula smirked into the camera. "Don't tell Suki."
"I am Suki!" the purple-eyed girl snarled.
The firebender placed her hands on Suki's cheeks, lightly pressing them together. "Sure you are, you giant, talking beaver, you." She pranced off in the direction of the kitchen.
"We're going to have a discussion about this later, young lady!" Suki yelled after her.
Jet pulled Zuko out from the closet. "And what were you doing in there?"
"I just made out with Sokka!" he grinned. "Don't tell my daddy." He winked at the camera.
Suki's hands clenched into fists. "Why does everyone want to make out with my boyfriend?!"
"That's a great question," Jet murmured. "Why Sokka of all people?! I'm way hotter than him."
Naked Sokka zoomed past them once again in a brown blur.
"Great!" Suki groaned, "Just great."
"Let's go see if the others are still in the kitchen," Jet suggested, dragging Zuko along with him.
"You're pretty," the firebender flirted.
"I know!" the dark-eyed boy agreed. "Thank you – uh oh."
"What oh?!" Suki panicked.
Jet peaked his head into the dining room. "Toph's gone."
"Give me that!" Suki seized another burger from Aang. "I already made you a veggie burger!"
"I'm still hungry," he groused, patting his tummy.
"Don't care." She took a quick glance around the kitchen. "Okay. Everyone's here except for Mai, who's still in the living room screaming about cabbages, Sokka, who's – "
The nude boy ran into the kitchen and took the burger from his girlfriend. "I thought I smelled meat."
"Haven't you had enough?!"
"What are you trying to say?" He looked offended. "And when did you become a one-thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle of a dead mouse?"
"Hi, Sokka," Azula smiled, blushing.
"Hi," he smiled back, his cheeks reddening.
Suki shook her head with disbelief. "Are you serious? Right in front of my salad?"
"Wow, that's an old meme," Jet sniggered.
"Okay, getting back on track…" Suki muttered, ignoring Jet's taunt. "It looks like only Toph and Katara are missing. Where could they be?"
"Katara is an airbender now," Ty Lee sang, "She is one with the air."
Jet and Suki looked at each other, stricken with dread. "The roof!"
"Nobody move!" Suki commanded before she and Jet darted outside.
Their hunch was correct. Katara was standing on the roof.
"Watch me fly!" the waterbender cried, moving her arms in a circular pattern above her head.
"Katara! No!" the purple-eyed girl warned with urgency. "Don't jump!"
"But I can airbend!"
"No, you can't! Katara! You're a waterbender. Please don't jump!"
Jet lowered the camera. "Suki, I think she's gonna – "
Katara leapt from the roof. "I'M AIRBENDING!"
Like superheroes, Suki and Jet both ran to catch her, holding their arms out in a cradle. The waterbender fell straight into their arms, the impact of the fall taking them both down.
"Suki, my hero!" Katara beamed, giving the purple-eyed girl a kiss on the cheek.
"What about me?!" Jet snapped.
"I'd like you if you weren't wearing Christmas pants."
"Huh?"
"And if you weren't so much of a douchebag."
Suki snickered.
"Whatever," he mumbled, "It's not like you're my type anyway."
They were suddenly startled by the revving of an engine.
"OH MY GOD!" The purple-eyed girl completely blanched. "TOPH'S DRIVING!"
Jet panned the camera over to the driveway. Sure enough, Toph was in the driver's seat of her parents' Mercedes, leaning back with one hand placed on the steering wheel in the twelve o'clock position.
"TOPH, NO!" Suki shrieked, running at the vehicle at full speed while waving her arms maniacally, not that Toph could see it.
But it was too late.
The blind earthbender drove the car straight through the closed garage door.
"Oh my God, oh my God. TOPH!" Suki rushed to the driver's side door. "Are you okay?!"
"Yeah!" She stepped out from the wreckage and dusted herself off. "I'm awesome."
"Okay, that's it!" Suki snapped. She marched over to Jet and covered the camera with her hand. "Turn this damn thing off. I've had enough! I'm done."
Jet stopped recording.
The following morning…
"Let's watch the video! Let's watch the video!" Toph chanted.
"Aren't you upset that we completely trashed your house?" Katara asked, feeling guilty.
"No way! I hired all our housecleaners to come in today. By the time they're done, this place will be spotless." She folded her arms smugly.
Suki rolled her eyes.
"My tummy hurts," Sokka groaned.
The purple-eyed girl flashed her boyfriend a cold, unsympathetic glare. "That's because you wouldn't stop eating burgers!"
"Spoilers!" Toph complained.
"I feel like I was supposed to do something really important, like life-changing important, but now… I'm just feeling like I let the whole world down." Aang hunched his shoulders with defeat.
"I don't know what I did last night, but…" Mai stretched her arms up and yawned. "For some reason, I never want to eat sauerkraut, or really anything with cabbage in it, ever again."
Jet shivered.
"My head feels funny." Ty Lee rubbed her temples.
"Emptier than usual?" Azula taunted.
"Actually… yeah!"
"Well, I don't know about you guys, but I feel great. You know that feeling you get when you wake up after hooking up the night before? That's how I feel." Zuko suavely ran his fingers back through his hair.
"That's odd…" Azula cocked her head to the side. "I feel the same way."
The firebenders shot each other a panicked glance.
"M-Must be a side effect of the cactus juice or something," Zuko quickly added.
"I really hope so," Azula muttered.
Suki and Jet shared an all-knowing look.
"Enough yammering!" Toph whined. "Let's watch the video! Let's watch the video!"
Soon the whole group joined in on the chant. "Let's watch the video! Let's watch the video!"
"Okay, okay," Suki conceded. "You want to see the shitstorm you put me through last night? You got it!" She went to Toph's computer and pulled up the recording from the night before.
Then they watched the horrors unfold before their very own eyes.
"I can't believe I tried to eat meat…" Aang shook his head solemnly.
"I can't believe I was naked the whole night! Now everyone's seen my ding-dong!" Sokka paused, looking off to the side. "On second thought, I can believe that."
"Well, I can't believe I drove a car!" Toph beamed.
Suki looked at the earthbender incredulously. "You crashed it into the garage!"
"Whatever."
"You guys, I got really deep last night!" Ty Lee looked proud of herself. "Guess I'm not as vapid as you thought."
"Your profoundness almost got me killed!" Katara reprimanded. "I jumped off the roof for God's sake!"
Mai scoffed and rolled her eyes.
"Why are you being so snide?" Ty Lee crossed her arms.
"Didn't you see what happened to me?! My brain literally broke – I was like a scene straight out of The Exorcist – I"
"I JUMPED OFF THE FREAKING ROOF!" Katara reiterated.
"My boyfriend made out with his sister!" Mai shouted.
"Okay." The waterbender backed off. "You win."
"I can't believe I made out with Azula!" Zuko sighed and buried his head in his hands.
"But, to be fair, you did think you were making out with me," Sokka grinned.
"I d-don't know why – It's not like I-I'm gay or anything!" he stammered, a little too defensively.
"Sure you're not," Jet jeered.
"Hey… where is Azula anyway?" Sokka asked, looking around the room.
"Oh, she went to kitchen for an under-the-sink cocktail," Zuko answered.
"A what?"
"You know, stuff that's kept under the sink. Bleach, Drano, Comet, Lysol, dishwashing detergent… you get it."
Sokka's mouth fell open.
Zuko dismissed him. "She's just being dramatic. She won't actually drink it."
Azula came back into the room sulking.
"See?" Zuko called over to his sister. "Hey, Azula. When did you learn French?"
She blinked. "I didn't. And never talk to me again."
"You know what I can't believe?" Jet whispered to Suki.
"What?"
"I can't believe you uploaded the video to YouTube," he snickered. "It already has over eight hundred views."
She smirked.
"Didn't think you had it in you. I'm proud of you."
"After what they put me through, they kinda had it coming."
"No argument here." He grinned slyly. "So… are you gonna tell them?"
"No," she smiled. "Let's just see how long it takes them to find out."