All I Ever Wanted

A week had passed since they found little Amaya stranded on the planet. She was still shy, hanging around Kathryn, and surprisingly Chakotay.

'It has only been a week,' Kathryn mused as she leaned back against her chair. Amaya was curled in a tight ball, asleep, on the couch in her ready room. She had fallen asleep while Kathryn was on duty, and Kathryn didn't have the heart to wake her.

The plan was that Amaya had the bed and Kathryn took the couch, until the room was redone. But the first night, Amaya had a terrible nightmare and Kathryn ended up sleeping with her. Every since then, she never left the little girls side while she was sleeping.

The ready room door chimed. "Enter." She looked up to see Commander Chakotay enter. He smiled and he saw Kathryn and Amaya. "Report."

"It's a quite night. Nothing to report."

"Good. Anything else?"

"I'm having dinner at my place tonight at 1900, would you like to join me. Amaya is invited too."

"I might just take up that offer."

"Great. See you tonight." With that he left. As soon as the doors closed, Kathryn let out a breath she didn't know she was holding. 'If only he knew.'

A beautiful crimson nebula glowed in the distance. Amaya had fallen asleep again on the couch right after dinner. Kathryn watched Chakotay gaze at it as they sat together at a dining table in his quarters. Amaya had fallen asleep again on the couch right after dinner. The red tone of the nebula reflected on his face and the white shirt he was wearing. His eyes were fixed on the natural wonder but his thoughts seemed a million light years away. He had been quiet all evening and they had eaten in virtual silence.

"Chakotay," she said quietly. It was now or never.

He turned away from the window to face her.

"The other day," she continued, "I was thinking. What if no one cares about us, what if they all give up."

Chakotay looked up at her now and took her hand in his. "I care, Kathryn," he said quietly. "You've dedicated your life to Starfleet and are the most incredible captain I've ever known. When we get home, you deserve to be welcomed as a heroine and decorated with all the honors possible. You don't deserve to be looked upon with disapproval and contempt."

"I haven't done any of this to be a heroine," Kathryn replied, "or to be showered with honors. Everything I've done is for this crew. They are all that matter to me."

"And you are the only one that matters to me."

"Chak-"

"No. I'm tired of lying to myself and hiding from you. But we can't, Starfleet wouldn't approve."

"I don't give a damn about Starfleet!" Kathryn's voice rose.

"Even if it cost you your rank?"

"Even then."

He shook his head sadly and turned away from her. He got to his feet and wondered over to the window. "No you wouldn't," he said quietly. "You would end up resenting me and I would resent myself. I love you too much to ask such a sacrifice of you."

Kathryn got up slowly and walked over to him.

"It wouldn't be a sacrifice," she answered. "It would be a privilege." She paused. "You've only ever treated me with kindness, respect ... and love."

Chakotay turned to her and his unshed tears sparkled crimson in the glow of the nebula.

She turned to him slowly and saw her own pain mirrored in his eyes. "We know the risks," she said quietly. "We know if we're captured by an enemy they won't be kind to us." Tears welled in her eyes. "All part and parcel of the job."

Her lips trembled and Chakotay saw her unspoken pain in her eyes. He gently gathered her in his arms and Kathryn accepted the embrace he offered, holding him in return.

It was a while before they drew away, neither wanting to let go, both just wanting to stay locked in the other's arms.

"I haven't been intimate with a man since," Kathryn said at last. "You can't go through something like that and not be affected, and I changed afterwards, withdrew myself. I needed to be alone, come to terms with it. Mark didn't understand. He tried, but he didn't. We separated for a while, over a year, and then just before I got promoted to Captain, we decided to give things another go. He asked me to marry him, I think as a way of showing how committed he was to me, but our relationship was still difficult, and neither of us rushed to set a date. There was a barrier between us that had never existed before and we didn't seem able to take our relationship beyond a certain point."

All the things that had puzzled Chakotay over the years were finally beginning to make sense now. This was clearly another reason she had held back from him. He felt humbled and ashamed, ashamed that he'd misread the signs and made wrong assumptions.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm so sorry that I made wrong assumptions."

"We both have, Chakotay. I thought you didn't say anything because you didn't care any more. But the whole time you were silent because you did." She paused. "I'm scared, Chakotay. I'm scared of so many things. I'm scared of loving you only to lose you. I'm scared of not being enough for you and scared at the same time of being too much. I'm even scared sometimes at just how deeply I love and need you. Because I do, Chakotay. I need you." Her voice fell to a whisper. "Please don't reject Kathryn because of the captain..."

Chakotay tenderly put his hand to her cheek. "Kathryn's all I want," he said sincerely. "All I've ever wanted."

Kathryn smiled softly and took his hand in hers. "Whatever happens when we get home, we'll face together. It doesn't matter what anyone will think. It really doesn't. All that matters is how the crew would feel about us being together and every instinct tells me they wouldn't object."

"Of course not," Chakotay answered. "They know how dedicated we both are to getting them home."

"Then shall we call a meeting tomorrow and tell them we would like to pursue a relationship if we have their consent?"

Chakotay nodded with a smile. "First thing in the morning."

He then drew Kathryn close again and she leant her head on his broad shoulder. She closed her eyes as his arms enfolded her and Chakotay held her tight, wishing he could hold her safe in his arms forever.

chapter 3 is done..yay!! tell me what you think. am i rushing...i dunno..it might be just me.

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