I spend dinner picking at my peas and re-reading a journal about the nature of dark energy, which, after a long day of talking to people, is lovely. At least, it was lovely, until I am dragged to the dungeons by Scorpius, who is panicking. Unfortunately for him, Albus beats us there, so we have to casually pass the tie discussing Poppy's tits in great detail. Scorpius hasn't even noticed them, which gives me even more to think about, regarding the differences between the tastes of straight boys and gay girls. Neither Albus nor Scorpius show any interest in this whatsoever, and revert to Quidditch-related nonsense. They are right in the middle of arguing over just how badly the Cannons will do in the coming year (it's nice to know some things never change) when there is a booming shout across the common room.

'Potter, no one minds you bringing your 'claw girlfriend down here, but for Merlin's sake, could you not attract Gryffindors?' It is unmistakable voice of Charles Rosier, owner of the hottest voice in Hogwarts. That is his only redeemable quality.

'I'm not his girlfriend. If we were together, he would absolutely be my boyfriend, not vice versa. Surely you, as an omega, would recognise another of your kind, Rosier.' Rosier chooses not to reply, I suspect because I have confused him, and also because I terrify him. A lot of purebloods think I am a sociopath. I love that rumour.

Albus, who had gotten up to let the Gryffindor in question in instead of retorting, reappears a second later with none other than his brother in tow.

'Hey babe,' James collapses beside me quite dramatically before placing an impressively repulsive kiss on my cheek.

'Hello darling.' I wipe my cheek on his shoulder and lock eyes with Scorpius, who has one eyebrow raised.

'Are you being a cat right now?' Albus says as he returns to his seat on my other side. I swing my legs over his lap and lie back onto James.

'There was a huge amount of spit on me. There are only so many Potter germs I can take in one day, Al.'

'What other Potter has been giving you germs?' James stares down at me in horror. 'Does our love mean nothing anymore?'

'I've been having an affair with your mother.' James gasps, and Al splutters in actual horror. I close my eyes as Scorpius starts.

'So when did this happen?'

'More words, Scorpy.'

'Your friendship.'

'This afternoon.'

'You're breaking my heart, here, Evie,' James interrupts. 'What about this morning?'

'Absolutely not.'

'Yeah, James, you'll learn soon enough that you don't get to have a say. Eve is in charge of everything all the time.'

'Is it time for me to explain the pack system again?' I open my eyes to see Scorpius' face.

'Oh Merlin, please no.'

'Again? When did it happen the first time?' Albus says.

'I'm alpha female. It's really that simple.'

'That's absolutely ridiculous.'

'Albus, my love, everything that happens in our little group happens on my terms.'

'I'm pretty sure that's complete bollocks.'

'That's because you're a cub, you're in your rebellious phase.'

'I – what? We're cubs? Seriously?'

'There is no we. There is only you. You and George's Alcohol Goblin.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'Sorry James. George's Alcohol Goblin is strictly top secret. You haven't proven yourself to the alpha, so you don't get to know.'

'How has George not told me about her Alcohol Goblin?'

'When would she have?'

'We are friends when she's drunk,'

'Ah.' The conversation hits a natural lull, and then –

'Poppy Dowson's tits. Thoughts, James?'

I eventually fall asleep draped across the Potter boys, and when I wake up, I am halfway across the castle with a face full of dark hair.

'What time?'

'Almost ten.' I groan into James's shoulder. He giggles like a little girl.

'You're in, you know.'

'Huh?'

'You're in my pack now.'

'I heard something interesting this morning.' Xander sits down and rests her back on the edge of the table, scanning the hall behind me.

'Good morning.'

'For some more than others.'

'I don't want to know.'

'If she doesn't want to know, I definitely do,' George sits the same way Xander is on my other side.

'Sometimes I feel like you two are my cartoon sidekicks.'

'So, Poppy Dowson told me this morning that James Potter arrived back to the tower at half ten, complaining because a certain arsehole is hard to piggy back when they are asleep.'

'Why am I only hearing about this now?'

'If you spoke to people, George, they would tell you things.'

'Anyway, George, the important part of this is when the fuck was Xand talking to Poppy?' George and I both turn towards her in our seats to face Xander properly.

'She was walking behind me this morning, called me to wait up and then inquired about the nature of your relationship.'

'Who's relationship?'

'You and James.' I freeze.

'Oh god no. No, no, no.' I jump up and climb onto the bench to get a better vantage point.

'Nice underwear, dude.'

'Real people will be would be annoyed by your pervy ways, George.'

I spot Poppy sitting very close to James, talking with very serious faces. This is confusing, as it is clearly not flirting. I have no idea what this is. I jump down like a badass and march towards them.

'JAMES.'

'Don't hurt me.'

'What kind of – ugh, it doesn't matter. We gotta go for a walk before muggle studies.'

'Neither of us do muggle studies.'

'Not relevant.'

'Eve, do you ever have a meal that doesn't end dramatically.'

'Not recently,' I avert my attention to Poppy, smile spreading across my face, 'I'll see you in Div, though?'

'Yes. This is the part where you leave, James.' The bewildered expression falls from his face as he begins to gather his things. I don't speak again until we are two floors up.

'Poppy is reserved.'

'She what?'

'Another member of the pack is in the middle of maybe starting something with her.'

'Why is that my business?'

'Because of Al.'

'Al likes her?'

'I cannot answer that. I can say that she seems to be expressing interest in both you and your brother.'

'Weird. Actually, no. We look quite similar.'

'James, I am about to tell you something that must stay between us.'

'That is the single scariest things anyone has ever said to me.' I roll my eyes.

'There are some girls in this school who like the idea of a Potter.'

'Shit. And you think Poppy is one of those?'

'I don't know, but I have put way too much effort into the Potter Defence League to let one slip through now.'

'I beg your pardon?'

'I spend a chunk of my time protecting Al from assholes. You're in there too. You're welcome.'

'So many questions.'

'I doubt I will answer many of them.'

'Who?'

'No. Most of them get reformed, so I protect their identities.'

'We'll return to his later. Poppy isn't one of those people.'

'Are you sure?'

'Yes.'

'Okay.'

'Are you really going to take my word for it?'

'Yes.'

'You're going to blame me if anything goes wrong.'

'Yup.'

In Arithmancy I finally get back to my grand plans, and write notes to Scorp and Rose, which I distribute like a spy between classes. I occupy my mind draughting my best man speech and coming up with cute baby names. As I am not allowed to be left to my own devices for more than a few hours, Albus resurfaces at lunch and sits beside me, very quietly, for about ten minutes before I get curious.

'What's up?'

'I asked Poppy to hang out at the weekend.'

'And?'

'What do you think?'

'Oh.' I return to my soup, but catch his hand in mine.

'You never really thought anything would come of it, did you?'

'How to you reckon?'

'You were happy, but you weren't excited. I'm not a complete idiot; I know how you roll.'

'I know. Don't underestimate being thought of as an idiot, though. It's one of the best disguises.'

'That doesn't make me feel any better.'

'Not right now. Someday it will matter. And, by the way, I am excited for you. I'm just not getting too involved right now.'

'Who?'

'No way. I'm not getting involved for the best.'

'You are the worst person.'

'I love you too.' I kiss him on the cheek in a nice way, rather than in my usual sarcastic way.

'Am I really a cub?'

'Yup.'

'Ugh.'

'Thank you.'

'My brother fancies you by the way.'

'Don't be daft. Could you imagine?'

'The most annoying children ever.'

'I mean, he has a nice jaw. And eyes. And he's fun and hot.'

'I feel sick.' I laugh into his shoulder.

'Al, dearest, I haven't even begun.'

'Oh no. Can't you go back to making innuendos about Teddy?'

'This is so much more fun.'

'You destroyed my innocence. All of it, it's your fault.'

'That's not the only thing I'll destroy.'

'Are you talking about having sex with me? With your penis?'

'You don't know I don't have a penis.'

'I'm pretty sure it would have come up at some point.'

'Yes it would,' I wink.

'I walked into that one.'

'I was going to say something, but it makes absolutely no sense.'

'When has that ever stopped you before?'

'Is what I would say when you find my penis.'

'Merlin. Is what you'll make me say, I know.'

'You're ruining my fun.'

'Our hypothetical sex life is fun for you, is it?' I smile as suggestively as I can at him. 'Disturbing. Let go of my hand, I don't know where it has been.'

'I know where your hand has been.'

'Where has his hand been?' Rose's voice floats in from behind us.

'On his dick. Hey Rosie.'

'Hey. Got your note. Is it not a bit soon?' We both ignore Al, whose head is now in his hands.

'No, it isn't. Do you not want to do it?'

'Of course I want to.' She blushed slightly, and I almost squeal with excitement.

'I don't want to know about your sex life.' Al sounds so miserable that I feel sorry for him. I get over it in about a millisecond.

'Are you sure? It's pretty hot.' He groans loudly.

'Aw, you're going to break him.'

'If I were going to break him, I would have done it by now. That kind of works on two levels.'

Al raises his head again. 'What is the other level?'

'When in doubt assume it's penises.'

'Why am I even friends with you?'

'Because I'm hilarious and you love me.'

'Right.'