The smell of new aftershave, which my now glowing and adorably pregnant partner purchased for me, mixed with the anxiety that tingled in my nerves. The combination caused me to feel slightly overwhelmed and sick to my stomach.
Mrs. Scully, the one true saint in all of this and my constant supporter whether or not I deserved it, had planned a dinner for the family tonight. The whole family…
In other words, it was my formal initiation onto Bill's shit list for the rest of my life.
Scully had told him the news over the phone once she reached the halfway point of her second trimester, so he had yet to see either of us in the flesh since the revelation. We were not at 28 weeks.
Mrs. Scully, though she now insisted I call her Maggie, was thrilled. She assured me in private that she would do her best to talk some sense into him, but made sure to give me praise as a means to lessen the wrath that was sure to come from her oldest son.
In an effort to be polite, I also assured her that Bill's scorn was not new to me, that he was entitled to his own opinion, and that I was neither offended nor angered. After all, we were only required to see each other a few times a year, if even that much.
Not that it really mattered, as he was Scully's brother. My relationship with him was not relevant as long as her relationship with him remained intact. Hell, he had always hated my guts, though my feelings toward him did not extend past general dislike. I had always known that would never change.
However, it was sure to be uncomfortable for a solid few hours while he likely fantasized my eventual demise.
How could I blame him? It was my fault alone for most of Scully's problems. Not only had I been the cause of her sister's death, left her barren, fighting for her life, and psychologically damaged, but I had now changed literally everything out of nowhere when my miraculous seed somehow beat the odds and found a home in her uterus.
What worried me most was that I was not sure which one of those he found the most disturbing. But, even with Bill as the asshole he was, once he got one look at his little sister even he could not have been so selfish as to deny that Scully had never been so happy in her life.
That fact alone made me smile…
"My dear, you're looking round," I chortled behind her as she continued to primp in the mirror, and noticed her stifle a smile that threatened to spread across her face.
"What actually bothers me most about that is that you called me 'dear'," she replied.
"I like that we can have jest again. A few months ago you might have taken my head off for that," I hinted subtly.
"Oh, cut me some slack," she retorted, and I laughed to myself.
One afternoon in the office, around her fifth month, I had remarked with glee that her pregnancy had become obvious. It had not been intended to be humorous or even hurtful, as I was thrilled to see that things continued to progress in a normal fashion. But, then Scully completed wrecked my innocent intent with a tremble of her lip.
I was horrified, and before I knew what had happened, she had angry tears stream down to the sides of her face, and she left the office abruptly. Later that night, when I returned back to her apartment (or rather now our apartment), after having prepped one hell of an apology, she met me at the door with lust in her eyes.
With her kisses suddenly hot all over me, I almost forgot all that happened that day, but then I paused to ask her where all of this had come from. Scully then shocked me further to apologize first, stating that she had overreacted due to hormones, and admitted that in the meantime as she awaited my return home, had found herself aroused for no reason in particular.
Confused as I was, Scully and I had amazing make-up sex that night without ever having had a real fight…it was like a dream come true. Soon, I realized that as her belly widened, her sex drive increased as well. If all these mood swings also meant an increase in our sex life, then I was happy to oblige my partner, despite my obvious bewilderment at first.
Truth be told, I could not fathom why men seemed to dread pregnancy: this was the most exciting time of our lives, from all the new experiences to the brilliant sex. I'd never been so sexually attracted and simultaneously affectionate for a woman in my entire life.
God, life was so wonderful with her.
After our major showdown in the office, on the day I revealed to Skinner about her condition, Scully insisted that it was time for me to move in with her so that I could be present at all times. According to her, not only was it long overdue, but it would have happened eventually regardless of our unexpected phenomenon.
At first I ignored her invitations, as I felt she acted out of pity when she had asked me, but after a few weeks I realized that she was indeed serious about the matter. Once I knew her intentions were genuine and that I would not cause her distress, I moved the rest of my things into her place immediately, and it truly did not feel like an adjustment for either of us.
Aside from my general untidy habits…but we were working on that flaw.
Unfortunately, the lease on my old place would not be up for a couple extra months, so some of my funds continued to drain toward it. It was cheaper than breaking the lease all together. Normally, the money situation would never be a concern, but soon we both realized that we were without so many items that an infant required, and it was all quite expensive.
Not that we had ever hurt for money, especially now as a unit, but the entire situation posed more questions: do we split the costs? Should we get a joint bank account, like a married couple, and take the funds from that?
Then, of course, the big one that had always lingered: would we ever get married?
Although this was always in the back of our minds, her family had started to suggest that we were somehow lesser because we were not joined in marriage, which I understood to an extent. Yet, that sort of negativity was unhealthy for Scully, and I know she dwells on those things in the solitude of her own mind, and the ever-present doubt placed against us annoyed me as well.
However, they were her family, so it was natural that they would want only the best for her, especially Maggie. Yet one day, even Skinner had asked me if we planned on making things official, in private, and I looked at him in shock.
Et tu, Brute?
Marriage seemed to be a far away possibility with all the present changes, and so the idea was placed on the back burner until we could effectively sort out our emotions enough (not that we had ever talked in depth about it to begin with). After all, love and commitment between two people did not have to be sealed with a vow of marriage.
Scully seemed to desire it even less than me, though I base this suspicion on assumption alone.
I do know for a fact, however, that much to Scully's frustration, our reputation took an obvious hit at the FBI.
Mine had been shattered years ago, with Scully's not far behind due to her association. As the final blow for her, however, the rumor mill at the office was heated with speculation as to the condition of her pregnancy.
Many assumed I was the father, which of course was correct and almost apparent. But worse, yet, were the rumors that she had underwent IVF as a single parent (little did they know that even that had failed long ago, the insensitive bastards).
It wasn't something to be looked down on. But, it placed Scully in the lonely, bitter light that many people assumed she lived, when it was so far from the truth of her character.
The "Ice Queen" reputation she had acquired over the years, which was so wrong, hurtful, and even absurd considering they did not know the depth of her compassion and strength, seemed to justify the IVF theory, which made the hurt all the worse.
We never talked about it, but I could see the damage in her eyes, because I knew that it hurt me too. The IVF theory also served as a reminder of the failed procedure a year previously, and although the sting of that wound was lessened, it had barely healed.
With all the excess conflicts stewing, the only thing I knew for sure was that I could and would love her deeply, and if that were enough to keep her happy, we would ignore the rest until it was relevant.
"Mulder, let's get going. We don't want to piss Bill off anymore than necessary by being late," she joked.
Lately her humor had shown brightly, and I could not tell if it was her psyche overcompensating, or if she truly was as blissful as she seemed.
"Oh? I'd hoped we'd would piss him off as much as possible. After all, there isn't much for me to do that would change his opinion," I admitted, and she laughed nervously in response because she knew it was true.
It was so un-Scully of her that I almost worried.
A few minutes later, once we were in the car, however, the person that I was accustomed to started to unfold before me.
"Mulder…" she started after a sigh, almost unsure of herself, and I steeled.
"Scully…"
"It is highly probable that we are going to be assaulted by my mother and Bill at some point, about our title in regard to one another. Mom means well, but Bill's motives are a bit more questionable," she began, and I tried to decipher what she meant.
"And by questionable, you mean intimidating?" I over exaggerated, and after another sigh, she nodded.
"So, if and when they ask us about our future, I don't want you to feel any pressure," she admitted uncomfortably.
"Why would I feel pressured?" I asked lightly, in an attempt to hide my confusion.
"Well, for one, it isn't really something that we have discussed, and I don't want you to be more uncomfortable than necessary," she stated, eyes glued to the floor, and my discomfort increased.
It was so hard to read her these days that I feared my partner was lost somewhere.
"I'm not uncomfortable talking about us…it's just that it's always been understood between the two of us, and I never wanted to complicate things. Now that we've added more people to the mix, I'm sure they don't quite understand."
"But, what's been understood? I mean, do we have a plan?" she prodded, and there was something under the surface.
"A plan?" I asked, and when I looked over at her I literally saw the look of ultimate disappointment and sadness consume her eyes, even if it was just for a moment.
"I don't know what I'm saying," she sighed again, and I could tell her inability to express herself and be understood by me made her feel inadequate.
The urge to placate her and take her in my arms to reassure her overwhelmed me, but I knew better than to overprotect her, lest I face her scorn.
"No, don't…don't brush away your feelings like that. What's on your mind?" I pressed, and considered pulling the car over to talk it out, but realized that would scare her further if the situation became more intimate.
There was something so impersonal about a serious conversation while a person was driving…there was a sense of disengagement and distraction, which was the perfect criteria under Scully's guidelines for expressing her feelings in a non-threatening way.
"Scully…" I pressed again, worry now evident on my face, and she finally looked into my eyes.
"Does it…bother you…that we aren't married? Or, at least, aren't planning to anytime soon? Do you feel like we're doing all of this backward?" she asked.
Normally, I would assume a question like that meant the exact opposite for her, but a sense of uncertainty about her own question was evident on her face.
"I know that I'm fully committed to you, and that if I were to be married, it would be with you. I just…never thought it was appropriate to mention it to you… yet. Does it bother you?" I tried to tread slowly.
"A small part of me feels like it should, but it doesn't…at least not yet," she tried to explain.
"The only reason I've failed to bring it up was because I never wanted the proposal to feel cheapened, simply because you became pregnant and it seemed like the right thing to do. Both your pregnancy and a proposal should be sacred events…respected separately. I always thought it would be selfish for me to ask just yet," I admitted, and from her body language my truth seemed to impress whatever preconceived notion she held.
"I had never considered it quite like that, but I agree with all of it," she said, and tears now seemed to prick at her eyes.
"Scully, I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I just wasn't sure if you wanted me yet in formal marriage, especially right now," I almost whispered.
"Why would you think that?" she pressed, and the tears continued to flow.
"There's so much going on in your life…I didn't want you to get weighed down and push me away."
"Our life," she corrected after a sob, and I very nearly smiled.
"Scully, would you want to marry me someday?"
"Yes! ...I just, never envisioned myself as wife. It always seemed so… cliché," she admitted with a sneer of her nose.
"So, should we tell them now that tonight is a sort of pre-engagement party?" I asked with obvious sarcasm.
"Mulder, we haven't agreed to anything," she almost laughed, but used her words as a subtle reminder to me in case I got carried away.
"All right then…do you feel better having talked this out a little before they ask us later?" I prompted, still slightly confused by her motive.
"Yes, I do; just so I feel more solid about it when they question what they see as chaotic."
"I mean…we're not going to go into detail with them, are we? This is the first we've discussed about it," I added nervously.
"No, no, of course not. I didn't want to seem like I was making excuses for us, when in reality I felt confused myself. Now I feel good about it."
For some reason, talk of marriage did not make us giddy, but rather grounded us, and the thought that Scully had come to accept this with me further proved that perhaps all of this could play out like a dream come true.
If God existed, like Scully believed, then I too could become a believer with all the good fortune that was bestowed upon us. Never was there a more deserving woman for happiness than Scully…and I was thrilled to share that happiness with her.
"Fox, honey, please have some more!" Maggie urged with a tender smile across the table, and I smiled sheepishly.
If I was right, her encouragement was a means to engage me away from Bill's persistent glare. He had remained effectively silent for most of the meal, and only spoke directly to Scully or her mother. Unfortunately for me, Tara had stayed at home with the children because they had all become ill with the flu, and I did not have her there to relax her husband. In fact, family dinner had become an awkward exchange between three people, with a fourth there almost as a ghost.
"Um, thank you, but I'm stuffed. The meal was delicious; I really appreciate all of this," I said genuinely, and Maggie affectionately brushed my hand across the table.
"Well, Fox, you've certainly become like family over all these years, but now we're just so thrilled we get to keep you!"
"We?" Bill demanded gruffly, and I felt my cheeks redden from embarrassment. Next to me, Scully stiffened and cleared her throat in disdain.
Atta girl, get em' Scully.
"You know, Mom, Mulder and I were thinking of picking up some things for the nursery sometime next week, and we'd love it if you could come," she said in an attempt to change the subject.
To see Scully as a daughter always fascinated me, because she always tried so hard to be more sensitive. Scully's altruistic nature was always most evident around her mother, and it reminded me why she had always been patient with me even when I did not deserve it.
"Well of course!" Maggie replied, and it seemed as though it had made her day.
"Even after all this time, you still call each other by your last names? Is your kid gonna to do the same?" Bill inquired with a frown.
Conservative asshole decides to start speaking up now?
"I'm sure the terms 'mother' and 'father' will suffice," I replied, voice low, and finally glared back at him.
"Isn't it also gonna confuse the poor kid that you're unmarried?" Bill asked after a moment, obviously not satisfied, simply for the thrill of another conflict. Maggie now glared at him, but I felt Scully tense next to me like she was ready for battle.
Somehow, we were bound by the invisible force of our prior, private conversation, and I braced for whatever route she may take to divert his questions.
"Bill, are you suggesting that this child will be somehow lesser because we aren't married? I mean, should we get married just to suit your conventions?" Scully asked boldly, in a manner that was usual in her conversations to me, but not to Bill, and even I was shocked.
Then I remembered that pregnant Scully had more gall than average Scully, and I felt a further kinship with the baby inside her. Suddenly, I imagined high-fiving our baby symbolically through the womb. Momma Bear Scully was not to be toyed with, and I gleamed internally.
"Dana…" Bill said almost apologetically with an awkward look on his face. Now, both Maggie and I looked to her with traces of hilarity on our faces.
"Bill," she replied, wide eyed and matter-of-factly, as if to insinuate that she would not back down.
"I just…want what is best for you," he attempted to placate her, but she did not seem to accept the peace treaty.
"Besides, it's a bit hypocritical of you to urge me to marry Mulder, when in fact it would anger you more to know we were legally bound," she prodded further, and I briefly wondered why she did not pursue a career as an attorney with her comebacks.
Bill was dead silent, amid Maggie's soft giggles, before she stopped.
"Do you plan on getting married at anytime in the future?" Maggie now asked lightly, as she got up to take up the dirty plates, with a mix of hope and disapproval in her eyes depending on how we answered the question.
"Mom, we're taking one thing at a time," Scully admitted truthfully, in an almost exhausted manner, but her answer did not seem to deter her mother, who smiled immediately, and clasped her hands together. I'd love to be able to read Scully like that…
"Mrs. Scully, let me help you with the dishes," I replied, before I was accidentally stuck alone with Bill.
I left Scully alone to catch up with her brother without having me as a source of conflict.
The night passed with pleasant chatter between Maggie and myself, and I could even hear Bill laugh with Scully from the next room.
When the clock hit nine, after we had finished the dishes, I heard my companion get up to relieve herself from her hypersensitive bladder.
I prepared our goodbye to her mother.
"It's probably time for us to get going. Thank you again for the meal…and wonderful company. I've always admired that the Scully clan was close knit, and as an outsider I'm grateful to be invited in," I thanked Maggie as truthfully as I could, and she nearly blushed as she pulled me in for a hug.
"Fox, I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you always being there for Dana. I always knew you loved and would care for her, but now you've given her something that we thought was impossible," she expressed in a whisper, and I heard her become choked up.
"Believe me, this is the most phenomenal thing I've ever experienced. It would have been a complete heartbreak if she never got to become a mother…" I explained, and she nodded fiercely before she kissed my cheeks.
As I made my way out of the kitchen and down the hall, Scully suddenly peered her head out of the bathroom door.
Initially, I had intended to make a sarcastic comment about the stress her bladder had been under in the past month, but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the look on her face.
"What's wrong?" I mouthed, and she quickly opened the door and ushered me inside.
"Mulder, I'm… bleeding pretty heavily," she whispered, voice shaky, and nodded toward the toilet. I suddenly focused my attention on the crimson heaps of toilet paper inside the bowl, and felt bile rise in my throat.
"This is…this can be normal, yes?" I asked nervously, and tried to hold on to some sort of stupid optimism.
"It is known to happen, but it's very rarely normal," she tried to explain as clinically and calmly as she had been trained, but I saw the fear in her eyes.
"I'm gonna get you out of here without suspicion, and then we're going to the emergency room," I explained after a long moment of silence, when she all but stood there and stared at the wall in shock.
She then nodded quickly at my words, and the rest of the night became a blur.