The fall of Thessia.

The crew was silent and tense as the news broke over them, but they didn't need to hear it from anyone. They could see the black and red streaks of reapers flying in and destroying everything on the beautiful planet as they landed in an explosion of debris.

Everyone could see how much their commander was struggling with her emotions as she turned away from the vidfeed and let herself lean against the war preparation table as if her weight and the weight of everything else was suddenly too much for her. The crew turned their heads away from the scene of their commander silently brooding in her thoughts and emotions. They couldn't look at her. The crew had been too spoiled by Shepard and they hadn't realized the extent of it until today.

The atmosphere in the room was heavy, it was almost like the pull that gravity had on their body when they came in from being out in a zero gravity environment. The silence grew deeper as everyone tried to think of something...anything to say.

But what could they say to Shepard? What could they say to such a commander who had failed? The one who was known for doing the impossible, the one who was expected to accomplish the impossible.

"You couldn't have known that Cerberus was going to be there." Liara of all people tried to tell Shepard but the commander was having none of it. The Asari had tears running down her face but she refused to let herself break down completely in the face of her friend and commander. She knew that Shepard did everything that she could.

"It's my job to be prepared for this." Shepard's tone was harsh as she looked around the war room at her officers. She couldn't look at Liara in the eyes right now. She felt too ashamed.

N7.

She was N7 and she had failed. She had been trusted with this, she had been trusted with the planet, the lives of the soldiers, the artifact, the data, the mission. She had been trusted. And she had failed everyone when it had counted the most.

She could still see Kai Leng walking up to the artifact so damn easily as she clung for life onto a piece of rock. She could still see the smug smirk carved into his face as he glanced her way. The humiliation and anger she had felt in that moment still burned deeply in her veins, she could barely contain her raw sorrow. Even now her hands shook with the emotions.

It wasn't often she had to say the words 'we were defeated' but when she did, she would rather have ripped her heart out than watch the Asari councilor's expression as the news broke over her.

"I want the Catalyst. I want that Prothean data. No excuses." Shepard looked at her crew after Traynor divulged information on Sanctuary,"Dismissed." she turned and walked away without another word, not bothering to even stay behind a little longer to answer questions or talk to Liara.

The walk back to her cabin was a lonely one and her thoughts were almost unbearable, she almost turned back around to throw herself into socializing but stopped herself, it wasn't time to be selfish. As soon as she arrived, Shepard instructed EDI to not let anyone in as she settled herself at her desk and began to file her report for Hackett while looking over the dossier Anderson had sent her about the assassin.

For now, she would learn everything she could about Leng and work on her other missions. There was too much at stake with everything else going on to let herself relax for even a moment. She would not let this deter her from her work. Time seemed to pass in seconds as she looked over datapad after datapad and downloading pieces of information she didn't want to forget. She had just gotten to her last datapad when there was a knock on her cabin door.

But Shepard ignored it as she reached over for it and turned it on. EDI would tell the individual to go away. But the knocking was insistent.

"EDI, I thought I told you to keep visitors away." Shepard finally stopped what she was doing and looked up at the door with an inscrutable expression on her face.

"I apologize commander, but no matter what I tell him, he will not leave." EDI's cool voice informed her.

He? Shepard blinked and then sighed rubbing her temples tiredly,"It's alright, I guess you can let him in then since he's not going anywhere." she sat back and when she looked at the clock, she realized that she had been working for longer than she had planned to.

"Understood commander." EDI replied and then the doors hissed open.

"Thanks EDI." Shepard yawned and stretched her neck muscles.

"Still working Lola?" James stepped into the room and looked at her sitting at her desk surrounded by numerous datapads and discarded water packets.

"James." Shepard said absently as she swiveled around in her chair to face him. It was then that she was starting to feel just how exhausted she was. Her eyes burned from lack of sleep, her head ached, and her shoulders felt stiff.

"You good there?" he eyed her momentarily as she leaned back into her seat and closed her eyes for a moment. She hadn't come out of her cabin for a day and a half and the crew members were getting uneasy with the absence of their commander for so long.

"Just tired." was all she said and then she opened her eyes,"So why are you here?" she looked at him almost apprehensively.

He held up a plate of food and grinned,"Figured that you hadn't eaten." he set it in front of her and Shepard could feel a weakness in her stomach that she hadn't felt before.

"What is it?" she asked him trying to ignore the choking feeling in her throat. She was starving and yet she hadn't noticed until Vega had come up with food.

"Bet you've never had Vega style Mexican food." he handed her a fork and went over to sit down on a couch.

"Should I be honored?" Shepard looked down the plate. It smelled heavenly.

James just gave her a smile,"Just take one bite and you'll be hooked." he promised,"Just like how you're hooked onto me." he laughed when Shepard gave him a disapproving look before taking a bite.

Shepard had to hold back tears as she swallowed. It was amazing.

"So how is it?" James asked slyly with a knowing smile on his face.

Shepard cleared her throat and looked at him,"Didn't know that you could cook." she had another bite,"Maybe I should just keep you to myself." she joked and turned her attention back to the food. She would never admit how touched she felt just from receiving food from him. He always seemed to know what she needed...

James laughed and then relaxed in his seat,"You're not the only one to say that." he watched her eat and felt a little better. She had looked tired and exhausted and just a hot mess when he stepped into the room.

Back on Thessia he had only been able to watch her as she walked away from him after Kai Leng left on his aircraft. The disappointment and humilation was palpable in the air and he had been rooted to the spot watching her back grow smaller as she left for the shuttle. He had done nothing. He had been unable to do anything in that situation. Thrown around, shot at, hiding behind cover so the gunship wouldn't fill him with holes. When it came down to it, he had been as helpless and useless as a pyjack facing off against a raging Krogan.

Even more pathetic was that all he could do was cook her food. He couldn't even offer her any words or promises.

When Shepard was done and looking quite happy, she sat back in her chair with a content sigh,"That was really good." she looked at him with a little smile,"Your future wife is gonna have a tough time cooking for you with your standards." she stretched her arms out and settled in deeper into the chair.

James shrugged in slight embarrassment,"Nah, I'd be happy with whatever my wife cooked for me." he replied absently. His mind was still on Thessia and Shepard. He had never witnessed Shepard after a loss and it was something he would fight to hell for if it meant that it wouldn't happen again. He would have preferred Shepard to go into a rage rather than the silent display of shame everyone had seen.

"Didn't figure you for that type lieutenant." Shepard looked at him with a slight curious look in her eyes,"So you gonna get married or are you gonna join the N7 program after this war?" She was joking of course, they both knew the answer to that question.

He laughed,"Gotta find a girl to get married to first." he shrugged,"We already talked about this Lola, I'm gonna join the N7 assuming there still is one after the war." there was a pause,"And I'm sure that with all the ground missions you've taken me on while serving on your ship, I'll be N7 in no time."

Shepard grinned at him,"I don't know Lieutenant. Things aren't going to go as easy as you think." she thought back to her N7 training days. The easy days. No war with ultimate technologically superior beings roughly resembling mechanical prawns or bugs that converted life forms into twisted monsters, none of that indoctrinated shit, and none of the Prothean data busting her head nonsense. All she had to do was focus on surviving and doing the best she could.

The N7 was about talent, but also about the natural instincts and abilities that an individual possessed when under conditions of extreme psychological and environmental stress. People who passed the program and became N7 were naturally gifted. They had something other people didn't, even though it took rigorous and borderline torturous training to bring the potential out.

"Yeah, well I'm sure things will work out somehow." James shrugged watching Shepard's face. There was that curious faraway look she got when thinking about the past. He wondered what she was thinking about.

"Don't be too relaxed about it." Shepard snapped out of her thoughts and looked at him,"But I'm sure you'll make me proud." she nodded in thought,"You're a damn good soldier."

"You keep that up and I'm gonna blush." James said looking at her.

Shepard just rolled her eyes,"You ever gonna stop teasing your superior officer?" she raised an eyebrow at him, a smile playing along the corners of her lips.

"Not really." James winked at her with a laugh,"I'm about that life." there was an almost too serious note in his voice that made him hope to God that Shepard didn't notice. It wasn't that he had a problem staying loyal to a girlfriend should he have one, he just didn't prefer having someone to be serious with. Especially if there was someone he really cared about in the military where anything could go wrong these days. He preferred to have his girlfriend alive and safe.

Shepard just laughed and stood up carrying the empty plate and used utensil,"Wanna get a drink with me down in the lounge after I clean these?" she looked over at James who stood up.

"Sure, why not." he shrugged and they left together on the elevator and parted ways for the moment when Shepard walked to the mess hall and Vega to the lounge.

It was the night cycle, Shepard noticed the dim lights as she dumped her used plate and utensil into the little garbage chute where it would be recycled and reconstituted into something else. She had been working for far too long still hung up over Thessia and the Illusive Man and had in the process, neglected her crew.

A sigh escaped her lips and she pinched the bridge of her nose, failure on her part again. It was like watching a slow motion chain reaction. When one thing collapsed, there was inevitably something else that would go under until it was all gone. She was barely holding it together as it was and now she was getting scared that once the pieces started to fall, everything else would collapse on top of her like an avalanche.

As the commander she had to keep it together. If she didn't keep it together how could she expect her crew to keep it together?

After a moment of pondering her strategy and war plans against the reapers, she made her way to the lounge where she found Vega opening up a bottle of tequila and pouring them straight into brandy cups already holding ice.

"Figured you needed this." he shrugged when Shepard looked at him with a raised eyebrow and handed her one,"You know, rough week and all." he took his own cup and they clinked it together before taking a big gulp of the hard liquor.

Shepard grimaced as the liquid seemed to smolder its way down to her stomach where it bloomed into warmth that spread out to her fingers,"You know that we're still on active duty right?" they both settled themselves into the black faux leather couches across from each other.

James just grinned and took another big gulp leaning back into his seat with a sigh,"It's good to take a break every now and then. And I doubt that we're going to get any assignments any time soon." he shrugged.

Shepard contemplated for a moment and then smiled back, "A little break can't hurt." she gave in despite her conscience telling her otherwise. Besides, she already knew where their next destination was. They would be going to a Cerberus base to retrieve some information and it would take time to get there.

So why not? Everyone needs a break sometime right?

...

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