Insomnia

-X-

Chapter 4: I say my sorries with no one watching

I wish I could turn back time. She sighed.

Why?

Because I wish I hadn't acted like that.

Why?

Because I cried so much over the little unnecessary things, so much even for me.

Why?

Because I just feel tired from it all. I want a break from crying.

So?

Alice couldn't help but stare eye-level with her knee-caps and press her lips together. She was embarrassed because her conscience supplied that she ought to apologize to the unblinking, pink-haired, yellow-eyed circus freak that lived in her room (for the meantime, anyway) and embarrassed yet again, because her conscience was purely and entirely right.

So? It persisted, wanting an answer. Alice sighed, closing her eyes.

I owe him an apology.

And?

I will not say it.

And?

I refuse.

And?

And it's his fault, I recall. She scowled.

But?

But. . . Alice hesitated, sighing again. I'll think about it, okay?

The truth was, she wasn't even sure if she felt like getting out of here, much less how to give that quirk a proper apology.

It was his fault that this whole thing had even started in the first place.

Wasn't he the one who pointed out where to go back when she was still 7 years old? Hence leading up to her intrusion—she called it just going, since the table wasn't really theirs to begin with—in the tea party, thus leading her again to the royal garden?

And wasn't it him who showed when they were playing croquet, causing quite a ruckus about cutting off heads and fading away, that after a ride in the clouds and a sad story, it finally involved her in the case of thievery and execution?

That was what you get, Alice thought bitterly, when you complied with bad directions.

So it was all his fault, entirely. But she SHOULD apologize. It was partly her fault, anyways; she'd cried a lot and made trouble of things. Plus, it'd be the right thing to do, and this guiltwas overwhelming. And wasn't she on the road of self-discovery? Oh, she really should to do it. Should, could, would, won't. What was the difference?

You really ought to, really really really Alice, my dear. Sweet child. Innocent darling—

He'd be indifferent.

You'd feel much better.

But it'd be like you never even said it. Really.

Alice sighed wearily again, cupping her cheeks with two, cold hands. Of course she knew what the right thing to do was, and what she wanted to do instead. But that wasn't the real question here; the real question here was if she even felt like getting up and going on with life. Not because she didn't want to, but because she was so desperately tired, and her body was so desperately tired, and she couldn't even close her eyes to rest.

Didn't you ever feel like just sitting down for forever? And think that everything was all right, and you were fine, so long as you sat there? But once you did move, you knew that you also had to get up, and go through that door, and do things that you didn't want to do but felt like you should, and start living.

And sometimes living disappointed you, compared to just sitting there forever, with everything just the way it was.

That was pinpointed to exactly how she felt right now.

The sun had long set, and the sky was the darkest shade of black. It was late at night, and her room felt very cold without the warmth of the fireplace.

Alice wiped her tears with the back of her hand. They were already dry, but the action felt reassuring. Like she was getting a second chance, well here it is.

She lifted herself off the floor, if a little dizzily (because everything just rushed in too fast), feeling all the sore muscles in her body.

Goosebumps raised in her skin as if those weren't enough. Alice cringed as her hand touched the doorknob, immediately prying it off like the metal had bit her skin.

The girl took a deep breath, keeping her wavering eyes on the knob.

This shouldn't be so hard. She chastised herself. Stop being such a baby, it's just a door!

She pushed a stray hair behind her ear, don't think about it, just do it, turned the knob, and quickly pulled the door towards her.

Cat's eyes flew open, his back suddenly crashing into Alice's bedroom with a hard thud, making her eyes widen and her feet jump, careful not to step on him.

Rare surprise flashed at his face, blinking up at her in wonder. The girl looked back at him too, surprised herself. Had he been sitting there the whole time?

She suddenly felt like something needed to be said then, something to cut off the awkwardness. Her hands fumbled for a distraction, not knowing what to do with themselves. Alice didn't know either, shrinking back behind the door.

"I was sleeping," Cat cut her off when she finally opened her mouth. Or, you made me sleep there. Was what she really heard.

The girl immediately closed her mouth back shut, tasting the dryness in her throat, feeling a little stupid. It's okay, she thought, she probably would've said something unintelligent anyway. It'd be best if she didn't say anything for a while.

But human instinct drove her on.

"Can you come with me downstairs?" Alice suddenly erupted, half of her wishing she hadn't.

Cat made a whining sound. "I'm too tired," he muttered to her, propping himself on his elbows.

Alice closed her eyes tightly, and then opened them back up again, nodding in understanding. "Oh, that's fine." She said a little too brightly, wanting to slap herself. No, it wasn't.

Her hand reached out just when he was about to step into her room, holding onto the back of his dress shirt, stopping him. Cat turned to look at her.

Alice swallowed and tried to smile uncomfortably. It failed. She was too much of a chicken to go downstairs by herself. Besides, she wanted to clear this whole mess up anyway, they could converse a little.

"Um," the girl stuttered, feeling the bright idea of communicating fading away inside her skull.

Cat tilted his head. It was like she was whispering to him, and he couldn't hear it. Alice made her voice louder.

"I, umm, I-I was thinking that I—we, could maybe go downstairs, a-and eat dinner."

He frowned once he took meaning to the stumbling words. "But I want to sleep."

Her grip tightened at the mention of slumber. "I… I can't last through the night if I don't get anything to eat," she said quietly, almost disheartened. Worry lines seeped into her forehead. "Aren't you hungry?" her voice secretly pleaded.

The boy also grew silent for awhile, staring at her. "A little," he admitted, letting her drag him down-stairs.

They crept down the flight of steps softly. Alice closed her eyes shut and winced, praying that it wouldn't seem like a trumpet blazed all around the house whenever she walked on a squeaky wood, which was often.

It sounded like that to her, coupled by a wailing baby and marching bands playing and stampeding elephants. It was really quiet, after all. One noise would echo everything. Cat rolled his eyes, having to follow behind the girl with his nimble toes, and having to stop every four or five seconds so they wouldn't bump into each other.

She groped the railing for another step.

"It would help if you let go of my shirt," he tried to say patiently.

"O-oh." Alice mumbled in embarrassment, retracting her hand very fast and tucking it beside her dress.

The maids were sleeping in a room at the bottom of the stairs, and they had to be careful not to make too much noise else they'd wake up.

It wasn't a very good idea to be found sneaking off down the staircase out of her room at night, with an older boy in tow. In fact, it was a very controversial one, and the maids liked to gossip a lot.

The house was dark and looked gray and orange from the staircase, alighted by the candle in Alice's hand. Shadows played by the walls. Alice placed the candle on the kitchen counter and looked for any leftovers to eat, hungrily wondering what her parents had for dinner.

There was a loaf of stale bread stowed away in the cupboard, and a kettle of cold tea sitting beside a pot hanging over a low fire, filled with yesterday's soup.

Cat yawned small and sat himself on a little chair that was situated in the middle of the kitchen, while Alice aimlessly wandered and grabbed the simmering pot by its handles and was careful not to burn her fingertips by touching the hot metal. But she got too carried away on being too cautious that the pot suddenly began to tip unto one side, half the contents of the soup beginning to spill out onto the floor.

Alice gasped, swallowing the wanted yelp to shriek off her lungs. She held the pot's handles more securely and tried not to drop it unto the kitchen tiles, or it would surely wake the maids up. Alice heaved the pot, now cold from the spill, and almost hugged it to her chest. She placed it on top of the counter and stared at the mess helplessly.

Alice took a deep breath and huffed it out into a miserable sigh. She rubbed her forehead and began to clean the spill, finishing in a half-decent attempt. Alice wiped her hands on a rag-towel and flumped at the vacant chair next to Cat, picking at the stale bread in front of her.

The boy looked at Alice through half-opened eyes, his cheek resting on his hand. "I thought you were hungry," he remarked slow, in an effort to make light, tedious conversation.

"I gave up." The girl sighed, mumbling incoherently.

"Why?"

"I spilled the soup,"

"I saw that," he nodded, muttering in the same way without a change of expression

Alice's eyes crinkled as she stared at the boy in front of her incredulously, a little irritated. So why didn't you stand up and help?She wanted to bark, though just shook her head and tried to dismiss the thought, bringing the cup of cold tea to her lips and drowning herself.

It's okay. This is a part of your penance. You deserve it, anyway. Her mind supplied.

The girl remained quiet, choosing not to say anything any longer and continued to pick at the stale bread.

Cat stared at her dully, still at his beginning position. Then he stared at the tensing air in annoyance, seeming heavy and thick as it crept up to the back of his neck, feeling it under his skin. He frowned, accidentally, at her.

Alice scowled at him right back, her eyes lifting from her dinner and matching the annoyance in his eyes. "What're you staring at?"

"Hmm? Oh," he muttered, turning his full attention towards her, then yawned. "Nothing special."

The girl's eyes narrowed. "Do you have a problem with me?"

"Not you," he said casually.

"Who, then?"

"The air."

"Pardon?"

He grumbled, as if that was self-explanatory enough.

"What?" Alice gave him a delirious stare.

"The atmosphere," Cat finally answered, now truthfully bothered with her.

She rolled her eyes at him. "That makes perfect sense."

"Hmm,"

"What now?" The girl glared.

"I said," Cat paused for a dramatic effect. "Can you cook?"

"But you didn't say that," Alice argued heatedly. "You just mumbled at me."

"I'll take that as a no,"

"You're so-!" Her face scrunched up before dwindling down in the face of truth. "Basically." She muttered back, a little cross. Alice began to pick at her bread again, tossing it into her mouth.

"I imagine what kind of wife you'll be if you can't even cook." Cat sighed, bowing his head depressingly. "And you're not at all good in cleaning,"

Alice raised a brow. "Can you cook?"

"No." He answered without shame.

"So why does it matter more ifI can't cook?"

Cat hesitated. "Because I'm a man."

"Aha!" Alice snapped her fingers suddenly, scaring him a bit. "I knew you were going to say that. I find it very offensive that men think women aren't as capable as them. Because you know, we are. And much, much more."

"Your parents must be horrified," he remarked lightly, eyeing her with bemusement.

The girl suddenly gasped at the mention of her parents, her body straightening for a quick second before slumping down on her seat. "Oh, my parents…" she groaned, a long, awful, high-pitched sound that grated the air.

Alice covered her face, more specifically the terrible dread that was her left eye. "How am I going to tell them about this hideous thing? No, no… I can't..." she sighed hopelessly. "Mother would be horrified and Father would be very upset with me. And the maids. . . I'll be the center of gossip in this house. Ugh." she dropped her head on the table, defeated.

"Just keep doing what you usually do to hide it," Cat muttered, looking down at her figure.

"I don't do anything to hide it." Alice sighed once again, "I just received this the other day before, remember?"

"Oh."

"My parents are away a lot. That's probably the only reason why they haven't found out yet." Her voice was muffled by the table. Alice shrugged, finding the next bit a little entertaining. "And I usually try to hide from the maids ever since I've gotten this," she gestured to her black eye awkwardly. "They've got such big mouths, you know?"

"I've heard,"

The girl sighed again. "I don't really care about what they'll say about me. . . it's my parents that I'm worried about. I just can't imagine how they're going to think about their daughter now. That I fought with someone, which is so unladylike, or something worse. But I didn't do anything, I just…." Alice drifted off, too nervous to continue.

Cat shrugged, closing his eyes. "Just pretend you're sick,"

"Hmm... They wouldn't believe me if I told them the truth anyway. . . . and I really don't want to face them like this,"

"So don't."

"I suppose you're right." Alice mumbled, pressing her lips together.

The girl stayed silent for a while, letting the time pass by. Reoccurring thoughts swam inside her head.

Alice stared down, twirling her thumbs together in a sort of edgy fashion and fiddled with the hem of her skirt. She looked up at Cat, whose breath seemed to fall in and out evenly.

She hesitated. "About yesterday…" The girl began shyly, dragging the last word a little too long. She looked up again to check on him and almost jumped out of her skin.

"Yes?" His eyes had opened sleepily, already staring back at her.

"O-oh…" She swallowed thickly.

Alice fidgeted in her seat, unable to say anything and immediately snapped her gaze back down, staring at her fingers with forced interest. "I-I just wanted to say that… that I know I must've been unbearable… a-and bratty this afternoon, but I can explain that. I was… I've been feeling sort of down lately, and I've been crying a lot, more than a lot, actually…"

She sighed in embarrassment, telling herself to just calm down and breathe and let everything spill out, "And I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of feeling hopeless and miserable all the time and pretending that everything's alright when it's not—"

Cat yawned.

"—and forcing myself to be happy, then just failing anyway. I'm sick of trying so hard and not trying sometimes. I'm sick of crying so much and running away from my problems—"

He started to nod off.

"—and I've really been trying to get better at it, but—" Alice squirmed, feeling timid and uncomfortable and self-conscious all at the same time. Her hands were sweaty and clammy as she laced her fingers together and tried her hardest not to cry once more, clenching her jaw and biting her tongue.

Her voice started to crack, despite her efforts. "But I hate it when people think that I'm unhappy all the time, because I'm not. I just have my bad days. And I hate it when they think that I'm not doing anything to try and get a better grasp of my emotions, because I am. I'm doing the best I can, and sometimes I know that I don't, but I can't help it if I… if I'm being too selfish, or… or angry, and if it takes some crying for me to get better." Alice sobbed, but no tears came.

She shivered slightly. "And I know that I've been really vain these past couple of days, so… I—" Alice stopped short, noticing that Cat was already asleep. The girl sighed.

"I'm sorry," She finally whispered instead, and stayed quiet for the remainder of the night, ruminating over her unheard apology as she ate the rest of the stale bread and finished her cup of cold tea.

She did not notice the hours pass until the sun appeared to rise, traces of dawn filtering through the small, dainty kitchen window and setting the room aglow.

As she admired the beauty of the sun rise, seemingly mesmerized by the light rays of the sun highlighting the dust in the air, her elbow had slipped off the counter and accidentally knocked the teacup unto the floor as well.

The shatter gave Alice a small heart attack, beating wildly, and startled Cat enough to wake up, his head snapping up drowsily.

Alice stared at him in alarm, distracted. "The cup—" She started to explain too fast, but immediately stopped when low voices had started to emerge from the maid's room.

"Come on," The girl hissed when he merely stared at her. She took his hand and rushed out of the kitchen, the broken glass of the teacup left as evidence of a ghostly midnight raid.

They ran past the maids' room and up the stairs, the girl not caring anymore about how much noise her feet made so long as she wasn't caught arm in arm with a strange boy that had pink hair and really weird eyes.

She slammed the door in her room in triumph, panting fast and relieved beyond words. Alice brushed past Cat, so high off the excitement that she momentarily forgot his presence and that her hand had been intertwined with his. She climbed into her bed, not worried for only a second that she wouldn't be able to sleep.

The girl lifted the covers off her bed and burrowed inside the warmth of it, feeling the softness of her pillow. Anything was better than sitting in a little chair all night long and eating cold food while your back cramped up and your legs started to sting from staying dormant for hours straight.

At least she was already here, a little relaxed and comfortable.

Maybe later, she'd hate being in bed with only the cold, dull ceiling to look at. But not now, after all that's happened yesterday. An overemotional overwrought, she would appreciate the cold, dull ceiling for what it's worth, or as best as she could.

Alice stared at the ceiling, in the midst of appreciating it, then merely sighed and rolled over. It was no use. She would hate that ceiling as long as she couldn't sleep.

The insomnia started to settle in, and she squeezed her eyes shut, trying not to think about the weariness that would come later. She suddenly noticed an added weight on her bed.

The girl turned over, looking at Cat. "What… are you doing here?" She asked slowly, before immediately hissing as she realized the gravity of the situation. "Get up!"

"Nngh. Too tired," The boy answered, lying belly down on top of her covers. The girl stared at him in frustration and pushed at his shoulders.

"But you can't just lie there—! Are you even listening—" Alice's brow furrowed as his eyes stubbornly refused to open. "Oh never mind," She mumbled to herself and sighed again, watching his expression as he gradually drifted off to sleep.

She wondered if he was really falling asleep or if he was merely feigning it. The girl closed her own eyes for a moment before opening them back again, a million things passing over inside her head.

"Cat," She suddenly whispered in the darkness. I want to say thank you. You're a jerk. You have no manners. I hate people like you. But thank you for being here.

Alice felt nauseous, not really knowing why she had suddenly wanted to express her gratitude. "Cat, I-"

He had suddenly interrupted her, however, kissing his teeth as if he appeared slightly annoyed. "You needn't say my name so much. I can believe it without that."

An hour passed.

Alice sat up out of bed by 6:30. She just wasn't comfortable when a boy was there, lying right beside her.

The girl looked at him, frowning. "Hey, Cat." She murmured, kind of poking his elbow.

He doesn't open his eyes.

Alice stayed sitting up on the bed for a little while longer, choosing not to bother him anymore. She wondered how in the world she'd plan on missing school today. The girl sighed and swung her legs out of bed, touching the cold floor with her bare feet.

After a long moment of quiet reflections, a sudden knock came at her door.

Alice jumped, her heart pounding inside her ears. She rubbed her arms in paranoia, "Who is it?"

"Breakfast is ready," A maid called through the door.

Her stomach instantly grumbled. She told it to hush. "O-oh," the girl stammered intelligently, realizing that she mustn't have answered for a while.

There was another knock. "Miss, are you all right?"

"Umm. Just fine," Alice forced a grin as if the woman could see it. She kept staring back at Cat, an uneasy expression forming on her features.

"I'm not eating breakfast," She called towards the woman then, though her stomach grumbled in reply. Her arms tightened around it.

"Oh, why not?" The maid just had to ask. The girl was getting a little annoyed.

"I'm... I'm watching my figure. I guess." Alice wanted to thump her forehead as the words left her mouth.

The maid laughed quietly, finally retreating. "Silly girl," Alice barely heard the muttered words, wedged between amusement. It made her a little upset.

By eight o'clock, she prepared to leave. Alice grabbed her hat off the dresser table and placed it on, trying to cover her face as much as possible. She jumped when a maid came up beside her.

"No, that's quite alright," She immediately blurted out, trying her best to dismiss the young woman without seeming rude.

The woman smiled, "Nonsense, Miss. I must accompany you out the door."

"No, no. Really, it's fine." The girl stalled, racing down the stairs in a hurry. The maid followed behind her.

Alice looked back at the approaching woman and sighed.

"You're acting a little strange today, Miss Alice. Is something the matter?" The woman remarked as they walked up the front door together. The girl fidgeted, seeming jittery in her haste to get out.

The woman tried to see under her face, though Alice ducked her head more and bit her lip. Maybe the older woman was right; she was acting a little too tense.

The girl loosened her shoulders, and tried to relax a little. Breathe, Alice, she reminded herself, and put on a smile. It fitted for once.

"Everything's fine," The girl assured with a confident tone. "N-nothing's the matter." She cursed herself for stuttering. But nonetheless, the woman asked no more questions to report to her mother and opened the door.

Alice stepped outside and instantly sighed in relief. She knew that they were probably spying on her through the windows, so she trudged on, pretending to whistle and swing her bag nonchalantly.

People stared at her. The girl cleared her throat and stopped, walking quietly. She turned her head halfway down the street, looking back to see if they were still spying on her. The curtain on one of the front windows of the house fell back, giving her a chance to run along hurriedly to her right. For some reason, she felt the need to hide in a corner.

Running would've probably made her suspicious. And some people would've also probably asked if she should've been at school at this time of hour. Although it wasn't very rare for children to run amuck along the streets, her dress said differently, displaying that she was of upper-middle class wealth. It was her first time to skip a school day, and it probably appeared quite clearly that she was in over her heard, not at all knowing what to do with all her spare time.

Alice stood up and decided that she should hide more properly to gather her thoughts. She edged towards a bright alleyway between two buildings, a little dirty but likely cleaner than most. However, her eyes met with a group of children, sitting together in a circle and appearing to be having breakfast; she couldn't help but feel like an intruder walking upon a family.

Alice lowered her head, though they raised theirs. Instinctively, her grip tightened around her bag.

"Who are you?" A boy, who looked a little around six or eight years old, asked, breaking the awkward silence between Alice and the group of children. His eyes were wide.

Alice tensed and looked away, pretending she didn't hear him.

"Hey, lady!" The boy once again chirped when Alice feigned hearing.

Alice didn't answer, but she peeked at them, surprised that someone that young would live in the streets. Her naivety was an unwelcome asset to the reality that transpired before her.

"Stop pestering her, Robert." An older boy- one who was probably her age- said, smacking the younger one lightly on the head.

"But why?" The younger child named Robert whined. He patted the area where he was hit, though his eyes suddenly widened even more, his voice lowering into a whisper. "Is... Is she deaf?"

The blonde girl felt critical eyes on her. "I wouldn't be surprised if she is." The remark was loud and cynical, obviously directed at her social status.

"She thinks she's too good for us," A feminine voice added, full of the same disdainful tone that the other voice possessed.

"Hey, lady, do you have anything to eat?" Robert then practically screamed, despite the older children's flippant comments.

"Shut up!" The older boy beside him then yelled in something akin to embarrassment; he proceeded to smack the little boy harder.

"Ow! But you said she was deaf," The young boy explained. "If I scream loud enough, she'd probably hear me. HEY LADY—!"

"Cut it out," The older boy muttered, standing up. "She's not gonna give you anything. Just… come on," He kicked dirt into the fire that they were huddled around and walked away. The rest of the children followed him, though Robert looked back at Alice. She meekly met his wide, too innocent eyes.

"Hey lady, do you have anything to eat?" Robert repeated, now whispering.

Alice stared up at the little boy and nodded. "H-here," She opened her bag and gave the boy a handkerchief full of biscuits, which was supposed to be her snack later, as she didn't get to eat breakfast. Though she felt a deep bitterness that all she could give him were some biscuits, despite what her dress entailed.

However, the boy blinked in astonishment, staring at his hand as if he was holding treasure. "Thanks..." He said shyly, before turning around to run up to his friends. "WAIT UP! LOOK WHAT I HAVE!" He shouted at them, thin legs running faster and faster.

Briefly shocked at his response, and quite moved, Alice sighed. "You're welcome," She said quietly to herself, the corners of her lips turning into a small smile. Though she then proceeded to look about her surroundings now that the group of ragtag children had gone, not quite sure what she should do next. The girl lingered alone in the alley, thinking.

Comfortably situated from his position on Alice's bedroom floor, Cat held a book over his head, eyes glazing over as he flipped page after page. It was predictable, and he could already guess the plot of the story. He let it flump over the carpet, lifeless and inanimate. Like the book, he was deathly bored out of his mind, and conceded that boredom should be considered a sickness worse than malaria.

It wasn't boring when she was present. He found it a tad bit upsetting that his afternoons orbited around the tendencies of a naive, fifteen-year old girl. Despite his physical age only being a year older than her actual age, their interests were further apart than the light-years between the sun and the Earth. Speaking of the girl, it was strange that she wasn't back yet. Cat allowed himself to look up, briefly staring out the window.

She couldn't have...

"Stupid girl." Cat huffed, before forcing himself to get up on his feet, much to the complaints of his rather comfortable and lazy disposition.

Just a moment passed and the blonde girl already felt tired, preoccupying herself by drawing faces upon the dirt and occasionally talking to them.

A shadow fell on her then, rudely stepping over the faces that she drew.

"Hey!" Alice began to frown, looking up. Her eyebrows suddenly crinkled. "How did you get here?"

"You're not that far from your house." Cat answered flatly.

"Oh," Alice said, feeling more than a little dumb. "W-well, you took too long. I thought you might have forgotten about the plan." She muttered instead, and stared off to where Robert and his friends last escaped.

"Plan?" Cat frowned down at her. "I wasn't told about a plan."

She looked at him through the corners of her eyes, mimicking his frown. "It was implied. But you were asleep."

"You should really stop talking to me when I'm asleep." Cat said, before pausing. "Did you know that there are people who have probably defecated here?"

"Ugh, Cat!" Alice blanched, immediately getting up from her position and vigorously wiping her fingers on her dress.

"Let's get you home. And sanitized."

A/N: Slightly edited.