A little short discussion between Ruth and Malcolm after Malcolm retires. Next chapter after this will be Lucas/Ruth I think. Hope someone out there enjoys this :)

Malcolm: "Ruth's angry with you."

Harry: "I know."

Malcolm: "You were right, though."

Harry: "Perhaps. You saved the boy though, Malcolm."

Malcolm: "Harry, I want to retire."

Harry: "You've given such service."

Malcolm: "Serving my country. In spite of everything that goes with it."

Spooks 8.1

"Did it ever get any easier Malcolm?"

"What do you mean?" Malcolm was being deliberately obtuse.

"Colin."

He was silent for a long time before he looked at Ruth. "It's no use lying is it? They're always going to be there aren't they, tucked away at the back of your mind. Sometimes the grief will be more painful than at other times, sometimes it's just a dull, boring, repetitive ache." He paused. "But you know something Ruth, death in itself is natural. We all die in the end. Colin and George died because of murder and that's harder, so much harder to live with, but the thing you've got to remember is, they wouldn't want us to spend our whole lives grieving."

"I was afraid you would say this, try to push me into the positive. You know it won't work, not with me."

He wasn't looking at her again as he changed the subject. "I'm leaving Ruth. I handed in my resignation today. That's me done; finished, kaput."

"But..." she looked genuinely shocked; the last stable anchor who wasn't Harry crumbling, "but what will you do? You live, breathe for the service... like...like..."

"You did," he finished her sentence for her gently.

She nodded. "I don't know who I am anymore Malcolm, what I'm meant to be."

"I felt like that too at first... in the weeks after Colin died... but it gets easier... with time."

"That's not why you're leaving though is it?" and Malcolm cursed himself for not realising that Ruth would have him figured out, boxed in, analysed.

"I've seen too much Ruth. I went into that safe house like a headstrong fool and I escaped with my life... and with Nico's, but only just. It finished me in its way. I wasn't made for that kind of death defying excitement."

"That's not the truth though, is it Malcolm? It's alright. I already know. It's because of me."

"No, Ruth. Believe me, it's everything. I've been in this job for years; it's time I had some freedom of my own."

She was glaring at him. "We've been friends for a long time now Malcolm. Don't you dare lie to me."

He shook his head helplessly.

"It won't make a difference, Malcolm. I've already told Ros. I'm not coming back, not ever."

He smiled, just a ghost of a mischievous grin, "never say never eh?"

"I don't think so Malcolm. The things I've done, the things I've seen. I'm like you. I've had enough."

"No Ruth. You're wrong. There is a difference between us."

"I don't see it."

"Don't you?" His words hung in the air long after he had said his real goodbye.

"You have someone to stay for."

And the word that everyone was too afraid to say but hung to the sentence, connected like pen lines through dots.

Harry.