Yay! Another chapter done! Please tell me if you see any mistakes, and if you have any comments, suggestions, or issues pertaining to the story. Sorry, I'm not a psychiatrist. And is it juts me, or does this site have issues with deleting spaces before and after words in italics? Maybe it's just me. I dunno.

Commander Shepard stared at the shimmering holographic map of the galaxy blankly, her arms crossed loosely across her chest in a gesture of plain boredom. She chewed on her bottom lip and squinted at the choices before her. She let out a short puff of air before covering her eyes with one hand and flinging her other around wildly while reciting a poem.

"Einey, meenie, miney, moe…catch a tiger by the toe. If it hollers, let it go, einey, meenie, miney….MOE!" She stopped her hand and slowly uncovered one eye. "Joker, we have our new heading!"

"So I heard, Commander." He replied sarcastically over the intercom system. "I'm sure you were promoted because of your impressive decision-making skills. I know I'm impressed. So impartial. Besides, it's not like we have anything important to do, or anywhere important to go."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Shut up and go, or I'm going to break your legs like a couple of dried up twigs."

"Aye aye, ma'am."

It took them half an hour to arrive at Eletania, a planet in the Hercules System within the Attican Beta Cluster. She had been staring blankly at the map during the entire time, apparently not noticing the disturbed glances the crew would cast in her direction from time to time. She jumped violently as Joker's voice came back on the intercom.

"There's a message for you from Admiral Hackett."

"Shit." She mumbled darkly under her breath, scowling. "He better not patch it through."

"Patching it through."

"SHIT!"

"Commander Shepard." Admiral Hackett's gravely voice came loudly over the intercom, causing Shepard to cringe. "We've received a signal from a module that has been lost on the surface of a planet somewhere within the Hercules System. We're not sure which one."

"Hmm. Oh really." Shepard looked at her nails in boredom. "Yeah. How convenient that we just happen to be here, and that there's only one planet you can land on. Yes, I can understand why you wouldn't be able to look into this before now. Yeah."

"Yes, I know." He replied, completely serious. "You should go get it. Now."

Shepard sighed. "Ugh! Fine!" She rolled her eyes and fingered the comm system.

"…good. Hackett out. For now." He added ominously, cackling. The crew members looked at each other in confusion and fear, wondering what the hell was wrong with him, and began to whisper quietly to each other. Shepard frowned and cleared her throat.

"You can probably close the comm channel now, admiral."

There was silence on the other side. "…oh shit." The communication link was closed, and Shepard smacked her hand to her forehead.

"Idiot." Shepard grumbled, opening the ship's comm channels. "Alenko, Vakarian, get suited up." She stalked off to her locker, spewing out a healthy string of expletives under her breath all the way there, while she was getting geared up, and all to the way to the hangar. Alenko and Vakarian were already there, waiting for her.

"Are you okay, ma'am?" Kaiden gave her a concerned look. She forced a smile onto her face.

"Oh, yeah. Peachy." She ushered them into the Mako climbed in behind them, shooing Kaiden out of the driver's seat. "I'm driving today."

"Oh god…" Kaiden made to get out, but Shepard stopped him with an icy glare and a strong grip on his arm.

"Do you have an issue with my driving skills?" She asked, her voice laced with venomous rage. Kaiden gulped.

"Holy SHIT!" Kaiden braced himself against the door of the Mako and clenched his eyes shut. "I don't want to die!"

"Oh, shut up, you baby!" Shepard growled, clenching the steering wheel so hard she left permanent indentations in the wheel. "You're not going to die!" The Mako was thrown around viciously as she drove over a small pile of boulders while going full speed. "YEAH!"

"You're a freaking psycho!" Williams screamed from the back, bracing herself against the two front seats.

"I thought I told you to SHUT UP!" Shepard stomped on the brakes, causing Williams to fly to the front of the vehicle an faceplant the windshield. Fortunate for her, she was wearing her helmet.

"Gurr…" Williams slurred, seeming to be only half conscious. Alenko tightened his restraining belts and gripped the side door as tightly as humanly possible. Shepard stomped on he gas, and Williams went flying back to her seat, where she laid in a heap, gurgling occasionally. Alenko looked back at her, concerned for her health.

"Uh, I think you might have really hurt her…" He stated hesitantly, unsure of how she would react. Shepard shrugged nonchalantly.

"I didn't hurt her, physics did. And object in motion stays in motion, until it's head rams into an unbreakable windshield."

"Whatever you say, ma'am." Alenko replied, a bit disturbed by her complete and utter lack of caring. He looked out the windshield to see a beautiful, deep canyon spread out before them. He also saw the edge of the canyon wall right in front of them, and noticed that Shepard wasn't slowing down. "Uh, Commander, the ground sort of stops right there."

"I know." She replied, smiling widely.

"Shouldn't you, you know, slow down, or stop, or turn or something?"

She was silent for a moment. "Probably."

Alenko got increasingly edgy the closer they got to the edge of the cliff. He was. At that point, frantic. "Stop! Oh god, STOP!"

Shepard just laughed as she drove off the cliff, ignoring Alenko's cries of objection.

"You ARE psycho!" He yelled angrily, pushing himself away from the windshield in an unconscious attempt to escape the rapidly approaching ground.

"Oh, settle down!"

He looked over at Shepard, who was leaning back and just enjoying the view of death rushing towards them.

"Beautiful view, isn't it?" She commented lightly. Alenko began to claw at the roof. "Stop that! I don't want you to ruin the upholstery."

"What upholstery?!" He knocked against the roof. "It's METAL!"

Shepard sighed. "Don't you ever relax?"

"Not while I'm falling off a CLIFF!" He tried to open the doors, but they automatically locked when the vehicle was in motion, so he was out of luck. He sat back in his seat and stared out the windshield dully. "I never thought that this was how I was going to die."

Shepard snorted and rolled her eyes. "You're not going to die today, Alenko." She looked out the windshield. "Eh, the ground's getting a bit close, isn't it?"

"Yeah, that tends to happen when you drive off a cliff." He replied sarcastically.

"Daddy, you know I don't like butterscotch pudding." Williams slurred in the back, twitching slightly.

Alenko looked back at her. "She's bleeding from the nose."

"Good for her." Shepard sat up and checked various gauges as warning bells began to ring. "Prepare for landing, lieutenant." She chuckled as she activated the small landing jets, which cushioned the landing enough for them to not be completely crushed by the impact. The forces jarred Shepard, which caused her to jerk the steering wheel to the side. The wheels caught on a large group of jagged rocks, and the vehicle was thrown into a series of flips. It eventually stopped, landing on all four wheels, and stood in a cloud of heavy red dust. Shepard looked around and found her helmet on the floor behind Alenko's seat. She reached over and picked it up, erupting into a fit of giggles. She looked over at Alenko.

"See? Wasn't that fun!?" She pulled the helmet on, noting how deathly pale he looked. She reached over and waved a hand in front of his face. "Hello? Earth to Alenko!"

He sat completely still, staring unblinkingly out the window. She reached forward and smacked him in the face.

"Hey! Snap out of it!"

He jumped and looked over at her. "…am I in hell?"

Shepard sighed. "Yeah, pretty much. Life is hell."

He sighed, then winced, holding his right side. "I think I have a few broken ribs…"

Shepard chuckled. "I wonder what Ash got, then."

Alenko spun around, a look of abject horror on his face. "Holy shit! We better get her back to the Normandy!"

Shepard looked back to see Williams lying in a small pool of her own blood. Her arm was sticking out in a grossly unnatural angle, and her left leg looked to be a bit mangled as well. Shepard blinked.

"She looks fine to me."

"You're joking, right?"

Shepard gave him a blank look. "…yes. Joking."

He shot her a suspicious glare before turning around and checking to see if Williams was even conscious. That was a resounding 'no'. He checked her pulse, which seemed to be okay. "I think she'll make it."

"Yeah, that Williams is a trooper." Shepard stated blandly. "Joker, we're ready to be picked up."

"Alright, Commander. ETA: seven minutes."

"Copy that, Joker. Shepard out." She turned to Alenko. "You think she's going to last another seven minutes?"

Alenko glanced at Williams, who was beginning to stir. "More than likely. We should probably give her some medgel, though. She bound to be in pain."

"Naw. This'll help her learn the importance of restraining belts."

"But ma'am-"

"I said NO!" Shepard pointed at him menacingly. "No. Bad Alenko. No."

He scowled angrily. "Next time you drive, don't bring me along."

Shepard gazed at Alenko, her head tilted to one side. "Hello? Earth to Kaiden!" He jumped slightly and gave her a strangely empty stare.

"There's not problem, ma'am."

Shepard regarded him suspiciously. "…good. Joker, we're good to go." She started up the Mako as the drop doors began to open. A beautiful scene of lofty, majestic mountains coupled with lush green valleys opened before their eyes. Alenko gaped at the landscape in awe.

"It's beautiful…"

"Eh." Shepard shrugged indifferently. "I wouldn't mind it if the atmosphere wasn't deadly. It kind of kills the experience when you have to lumber around in these environ suits."

"Approaching drop site in three, two, one…go!"

Shepard stepped on the gas and watched with a measured amount of boredom as the ground rushed towards them. She activated the landing jets and executed a perfect landing. "We're topside, Joker. I'll contact you for pickup. Shepard out." With that, she flicked on the long-range sensors, which really didn't show anything. She flicked the screen and cursed. "Well, looks like we're gonna have to do this the old fashioned way." With that, she chose the clearest path and took off, driving with reckless abandon.

"Whoah! Watch out for that boulder!" Vakarian yelled, cringing as she drove right over it, pumping her fist in exultation.

"Yeah! Did you see how much air we caught there!?"

"Hey! Look over there!" Alenko pointed to a crashed probe surrounded by purple monkey-looking animals. Shepard swerved and headed directly towards it, heedless of the little monkeys that were painting the tires a lovely shade of blue with their blood.

"Watch it! You're running over them!" Vakarian exclaimed, gesturing wildly.

Shepard snorted. "Who cares? They're just mutated monkeys. If anything, I'm saving the galaxy future troubles, since they'll probably eventually evolve into a human-like species, and we all know how much you aliens love us humans." Shepard noted dryly, swerving to hit another monkey. Vakarian shuddered.

"Do you have to run them over?"

Shepard paused. "…yes."

Vakarian snorted as the Mako rolled to a stop.

"Let's go check out that probe. With any luck, we can retrieve the module and get off this planet as soon as possible. Alenko, go take a look."

"Yes ma'am." He jumped out and examined the probe for a few minutes before climbing back in, notably empty-handed. "I see you don't have the module."

Alenko sighed in frustration. "It wasn't there, ma'am. One of the monkeys must have taken it."

Shepard sighed and cocked her pistol. "Well, let's go find the unlucky monkey." She climbed out and started shooting every monkey she could find. Alenko and Vakarian seemed horrified.

"Commander! They're just monkeys!" Alenko exclaimed, sounding rather disturbed.

She turned and held up her hands. "Exactly! They're just monkeys!" With that, she started rooting through the corpses. "Where do you think they'd keep the module, anyway? I mean, it's not like they have pockets or anything…"

"Uh, I'd hazard a guess and say their hands." Vakarian replied, sounding more than a little sarcastic. Shepard huffed angrily.

"If you're not going to be helpful, wait in the Mako."

Vakarian was still for a moment. "I'll help, Commander." He started poking at dead monkeys with his foot, checking their hands for anything. "Nothing over here, Commander."

"Same here, ma'am." Alenko chimed in, sounding rather disappointed. Shepard growled angrily, kicking at a corpse.

"I didn't find anything, either!" She put her pistol away and pulled out her assault rifle. "You know what that means, boys…it's monkey hunting time." The two guys looked at each other uneasily. "Back in the Mako!"

They clambered back into the vehicle and strapped in tightly. Shepard checked the scanner again. "Hm…looks like there's an abandoned mine shaft over there." She tapped the screen lightly. "How much you wanna bet that that's where those damnable monkeys have their base of operations?"

"'Base of operations'?" Vakarian echoed incredulously. Their monkeys, Commander."

"Evil monkeys." she corrected him as she drove over a rather large hill. "Who steal. Stealing is bad, therefore the monkeys are bad."

Both Alenko and Vakarian were disinclined to point out the flaws in their Commander's logic, and occupied themselves with staring out the window, trying to not get thrown around too much. They eventually showed up at an abandoned mine shaft swarmed by monkeys. Shepard revved the engine, a huge smile full of malice and ill-will planted on her face. Alenko shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He was going to say something, but was quickly cut off by Shepard's maniacal laughter as she mowed the monkey's down with the Mako. Alenko and Vakarian flinched with every monkey-sized thump. Eventually, Shepard had managed to hit every monkey.

"I wonder why they don't run." She commented lightly as she climbed out. "Alright, check the arms for the module." They all climbed out and searched through the gore unsuccessfully. "Damnit!" She kicked at a torso and sent it flying into the side of a nearby crate. "What the hell!!"

"Maybe they're in the mine shaft." Vakarian offered. Shepard pouted.

"I can't drive the Mako into that!" She sighed and pulled out her shotgun. "Let's just get this over with."

They climbed into the mine shaft and went through each room, where Shepard would kill the monkeys and the other two would check the corpses. They eventually found what they supposed was the lead monkey in the farthest room from the entrance. Shepard sighed and wiped monkey blood off her forehead.

"Yeah, of course. Always in the furthest room." She quickly shot the monkey in the head and wrenched the module from it's little monkey hands. "Right. Let's get the fuck outta here. It's starting to smell."

Alenko, who had just heaved up his last meal, wiped his mouth and nodded weakly.

"You don't look so good." Shepard noted, frowning sympathetically as he slumped up against some crates left by whoever set up the mine. "You should probably take a Gravol or something. I don't want you puking all over the inside of the Mako."

Alenko grunted in response.

"Hereally doesn't look well, Commander." Vakarian peered at Alenko's face, which was ghostly white.

"Maybe he's allergic to alien monkey guts." Shepard pondered this for a moment. "No matter. Let's get you back to the Normandy and have Dr. Chakwas take a look at you." She grabbed one of his arms and slung it over her shoulder while putting her arm around his waist for support, and hefted him to his feet. "Come on, let's go. Vakarian, keep an eye ahead in case there are more monkeys."

He gave her a strange look. "Uh…yes, Commander. Whatever you say." With that he made his way ahead, his rifle at the ready.

They eventually made their way out of the mine and managed to get Alenko half-sitting, half-slumped in the passenger's seat. He clutched at his head and groaned painfully. Shepard chewed her lip and stared at him.

"I wonder what's up with him…"

"I'm sure the doctor will be able to figure it out." Vakarian replied soothingly. "Let's just get off the planet."

"Right. Joker?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"Get us the hell offa this piece of shit."

"You got it, Commander. ETA is five minutes."

"Sweet. Shepard out." She sat back and started up the Mako, looking at Alenko from time to time to make sure he wasn't going to spew all over the place.

Once back on the Normandy, Shepard lounged outside the med bay, waiting to see what Dr. Chakwas found out with regards to Alenko. The doctor walked out and nodded towards Shepard.

"So…is he allergic to monkey guts or what?"

Dr. Chakwas sighed. "No, he's not allergic to monkey guts. He just gets migraines from time to time from his L2 implant."

Shepard let out a sigh of relief. "Phew. I thought he was seriously ill or something."

"Migraines are serious." Dr. Chakwas said somewhat ominously. Shepard frowned.

"Okay! Sheesh! No need to get all ominous! As long as he's going to be fine."

"You know," Chakwas started, regarding Shepard with a strange glint to her eyes, "I find it strange how you stuck around to find out about the lieutenant, but was nowhere to be found when the gunnery chief was severely injured the last time you drove the Mako."

Shepard simply shrugged. "I hate her. I hate her so much."

Chakwas sighed. "That's not very professional of you, Commander."

Once again, Shepard simply shrugged. "Oh well." There was an awkward pause in conversation. "Well, I have things to do, so…bye." With that, she made her way to the bridge and walked up the little ramp to the galaxy map. "Joker, let's go to Feros and get all that colony crap out of the way."

"Aye aye, Commander." There was a brief silence. "There's a message for you from Admiral Hackett. I'll patch it through."

"Mmm. Thank's Joker." She replied dryly, glaring at nothing in particular.

"Commander Shepard! I hear you retrieved the module successfully." Admiral Hackett grumbled happily.

"Yeah, I sure did."

"Good. I'll make sure to mention this to the Council."

"Wait…don't you want the module?" Shepard exclaimed, gripping the railing in front of her.

"Naw, it's a piece of junk. I just wanted to see if you'd retrieve it. Once again, good job! Hackett out."

Shepard's knuckled were white, and the entire bridge staff could hear her grinding her teeth angrily. "That douche bag!"