Sorry for the delay, guys. Here is the 4th chapter of the story. Have fun and be honest in your oppinion.

Thanks to those who reviewed and to those who would. And special thanks to... you know who...

I hope you will like it. Because I did have fun when I wrote it.

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To plot or not to plot?...

4. Tea party

While she was walking to her newest etiquette tutor, Alice went through one of the books Mr. Pathety gave her. Knowing that the last exam would be quite soon -- which she was really waiting for, because everything about her graduation had become too boring -- she was in two minds. The dean of the Scorpion School for Advanced Students made it clear that if she fails with this teacher, it would be the final thing she should do in her rapidly disappearing career as an assassin. She tried to think about anything else and that's why she took that particular book. Author…hmm… She'd never heard of anyone called Rinsewind, especially one writing about how to survive. She had to keep her self-control, while reading this… masterpiece. Especially going though the 'What to do if…' part.

Pathety described the building. It was not that big as Alice imagined, but the mansion really spoke about some fortune… Well… it used to be nice looking some centuries ago…

When the butler opened the door she had to suppress her laughter, because he was not definitely looking like a butler, especially with the yellow overalls and the pink rubber gloves.

'May I help you, ma'am?' asked the butler, trying to hide the wire brush behind his stretched back. Alice smiled and coughed. 'I come to see…' she pulled a note from her pocket, stared at it and pronounced in an unconvincing manner. '…Sybil… let me see what is written here… Ah, yes, Sybil Ramkin-Vima… No, wait, I can do it. Sybil Ramkin-Vimo… Damn! Bloody handwriting!'

'Vimes?' suggested the butler. Alice sighed. 'Yes. Sybil Ramkin-Vimes.'

Willikins moved aside, letting her through. 'I shall see if her ladyship is available.' Alice followed him into the little Cosy Pink Flowered Shiny Dragon-Smelly drawing room. She tried to sit on one of the chairs there, but jumped when she saw the huge burned spot, cut through the fat leather seat. The other chairs were not in better condition, and Alice was not very tired, so she stood by the windowsill and started to read the book again.

'372. If you appear somehow in a forest, that looks somehow differently than your back yard where you were playing with the plastic gnomes you accidentally had borrowed from the neighbour from the far end of other street while you were a kid, and you hear a noise, that doesn't sound like a good kiddish melody your mother used to sing you until you are asleep, nevertheless it comes from a bunny-rabbit or from eating flesh mosquito the local mad scientist was experimenting with…' Alice stopped her eyes on the following three-letter word and smiled. Then she turned the cover and stared at the front page. 'Yes,' she thought, '"Rinsewind's universal survival guide"…' She returned to the previous page.

'373. If you are given with an interestingly looking object, described as completely harmless tool for caps unscrewing, for instance, on which label on the producer's part is written a name closely familiar someway to the spelling of "Johnson", don't listen to anyone, just drop the tool and run!'

Alice smiled again. She sat on the big pink coloured leather couch and counted the pages she had to read, when she heard the noise, coming from the behind of the closed massive door. The floor shivered, as like some really huge animal herd was galloping in threatened closeness. The door opened and a large looking smiling woman came through, already reaching for her hand.

'Oh, dear. You must be that new apprentice I have.' Sybil looked at her with interest, rounded her some times examining her from down to up and giggled joyfully. 'You don't look like an assassin, girly. More like one of the guild members I officially don't know, but play cards with. Let me look at you… Mmm… Pretty one. Sweet… Jolly sweet… Oh, that reminds me, when Sam, my Husband, comes, pretend you are one of the ladies that often visit me these days. Will you? Just pretend you are some selfish lofty aristocratic bitch, excuse my klatchian, all right? I really want to see his face when I introduce you. He will be so confused, and I really want to turn him back for the scoff at me. Last time he…'

Sybil turned back to follow Willikins's cough and smiled, facing the confused young woman at her front. 'Oh… bugger… I forgot… I'm such a mess… I am expecting another visitor. He…' she was looking quite puzzled, which made Alice lift her eyebrows. Sybil blinked thoughtfully for some seconds, then she grinned again and exploded in joyful laughter. 'Well, it doesn't matter. Anyway, it would be interesting to see his reaction too. Would you start pretending now, please?'

Alice lifted her shoulders, recovering from her embarrassment. 'I'm not sure I could bring it right, Sybil' said Alice, sighing. 'But what the hell. I'll try.'

Sybil tapped her back and Alice really tried not to react as only she could, waived slightly at the push and made a step forward. Sybil smiled and nodded to Willikins. 'Let him in.'

The butler, still wearing his yellow overalls, took of the gloves and closed the door.

'Now, dear' whispered Sybil, leaning over the young woman, watching very carefully where she was sitting. 'You are an aristocrat, you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth; anyone that doesn't have more than three names after his firs doesn't exist for you... Could you pretend you are over everything and don't care who you step on when you are coming out from your carriage? Good… Now, up the chin, stretch the back as you have walking stick in your spine… half close your eyes as you don't have to see whatever that isn't wearing a pound of diamonds… that's right, dear… and speak expressively, like you want to be heard from the first time, because you don't want to repeat what you just said, because you are too lazy to speak and you can't find someone doing that for you…'

Lady Sybil already settled in her damaged chair and turned to Alice again, tapping her hand. 'And I'm sorry for the chair, dear.' Alice tried to stand up, but Sybil pressed her back. 'Little Johnny Silverhead Naggertail Quirmian the forty-third had really bad day this morning. Sorry for that, Willikins is still trying to scrub his remains from the Slightly Yellow With Green Leaves Uncomfortable Drawing room.' She sighed. 'If he only could go to the little dragons room as he should, he would be still…' She sighed deeply. 'But as soon Willikins feels ready, he will take care for the new furniture. I suppose the furniture store still have some of these chairs in stock.' She smiled at Alice and turned to the door. Alice followed her stare.

Some seconds later the door opened and a tall black dressed man entered the room, came closer and sat in his usual place not mentioning the total absence of the chair's elbow-rest. The old little chubby dog following him slowly under his seat, looked at the rest of the people with his tired red eyes and lounged down clumsy, yawning sleepily.

'Good afternoon, lady Sybil' he said, then, turning to Alice, pronounced calmly 'Good afternoon, miss Band.'

Sybil tapped her knees with a giggle. 'Oh, Havelock! I was so sure I could cheat you this time…' Alice broke her amazed stare and looked down at the dog, opening lazily his sleepy eyes.

Lord Vetinari sighed deeply, leaning back in his chair. Sybil waved her finger. 'Next time I will make up something different, be sure about that. After all someday I might get you.'

Alice was staring at him with total disgusting look. 'So… you are Vetinari,' she pronounced. 'You don't look like tyrant that much.'

Sybil giggled, staring at the Patrician, staring at the young woman in his front. 'As far as I recall I was never called tyrant, miss Band' he said calmly. 'Not in your face, that's sure' answered Alice. 'You look like someone that have a huge arsenal with nail snatching pliers you keep in your hidden sacred place in your basement, full with complete collection of the 'Modern sadist' magazine.'

Vetinari smiled. Sybil giggled again.

'I see you know each other' she said. Alice answered 'Never seen' him before.' Sybil sighed slowly. 'Well, shall we have a tea now?' She turned to Vetinari. 'Alice is my newest etiquette apprentice, Havelock. Imagine? Moi – tutor, in my age…' She rang the bell, turning to Willikins, still holding the wire brush in his pink rubber gloves. The tea was served recently, under Sybil's long monologue explanations what exactly happened to little Johnny Silverhead Naggertail Quirmian the forty-third. Alice tried to behave normally, although Vetinari's cold stare made her wish to forget about everything and just stood up and slap his face.

When the second teapot was served, the Patrician spoke finally.

'Have you settled well, miss Band? I have heard Mrs. Steelplate's boarding house is quite windy these days of the year, when she washes the household linen.'

Alice sighed and gave a time to think before answering. 'Yes, thank you. It's fine.' She sipped from her teacup, half closing her eyes, watching the supreme ruler of Ankh-Morpork, doing just the same. 'And how do you feel, knowing that soon you will have to shake a very bony hand?' she asked, pretending not looking at him. He sighed, leaning back. 'Fine, thank you' he answered. 'I am definitely looking for the new Zlobenian ambassador's arrival, Miss Band. How nice of you reminding me.'

---

'You sent her where?' stood up Dr. Downey. Mr. Pathety slipped down desperately.

'To l-lady… S-sybil's…' stammered the dean of the Scorpion School for Advanced Students, swallowing with difficult.

The head assassin shot daggers at him with his cold stare.

'Have you completely lost your mind, Pathety?' he scowled, already walking around his well-arranged gothic desk. 'Who, the disc, told you to send her there?'

The old man cleared nervously his throat and tried to avoid Downey's dark eyes. 'You said it yourself, sir: "Get the girl a nice tutor, and do it fast"… This is what I did…'

'You are completely mad!' yelled Lord Downey, already fixing his stare with the far too inconvenient for the old man closeness. 'Aren't there other tutors? The town is full with aristocrats. Why did you send her in the snake's pit, man? Do you know who goes there from time to time?' The dean didn't answer, just shook his head, trying to pick up his courage back. Some seconds later he pronounced shivery: 'This was… the only alternative we had, sir…'

'What?' cried Downey. Mr. Pathety cleared his throat.

'No one wanted her… sir…'

The head assassin stared with the total determination of someone ready to walk through dead corpses. Mr. Pathety shivered, cleared his throat again and tried not to look at Downey's rage face, while saying:

'I sent her to lady Selachii first, but she sent her back with a definitely distinctive note, saying that she doesn't want to see her for the rest of her life… Then I sent her to lady Venturii, you know how calm she usually is… But an hour later lady Venturii's butler came here and asked if someone would be so kind and take…' he blinked nervously. '…the unsuitable element out of the house… it seems she broke something very valuable in her rage there…' He lowered his eyes, sighing. 'Then I sent her to… uhum… Mrs. Palm, but the girl came back some hours later and then I received a very threatened perfumed note claiming never to use these kinds of guild's services again…'

He looked at Dr. Downey and as far as there was no rage in his eyes any more, Mr. Pathety blinked for some seconds, and plucking up his courage, pronounced calmly: 'That was the only alternative, sir. If we want to turn her into some kind of a lady, then we have to…'

Lord Downey closed his eyes, obviously trying to count to ten.

'Take her back!' he ordered, sighing desperately. 'The training is over. Tell her to prepare for the final exam.' He looked at the old man's shivering eyelids and whispered with the most threatened of all his voices. 'And, Mr. Pathety, do it now!'

Mr. Pathety blinked for some seconds, still fixing his eyes into his boss. Then he read the rage climbing on his face and stood up, hurriedly.

'Yes, sir. Right this moment, sir. I'll do it myself, sir.'

When Lord Downey was left alone, he sighed slowly, helplessly sat in Mr. Pathety's chair and lowered his head, whispering thoughtfully.

'Let's hope they've never met…' he sighed. 'Otherwise she would knock him into a cocked hat.' Then his rich imagination played its role and he shivered, standing up. 'And it might lead to something very dangerous for all of us…'

---

Lady Sybil was definitely having fun, watching her both guests not arguing. Lord Vetinari was polite as ever, but the young assassin seemed loosing her patience.

'Phy! Fabulae! 1' said Alice and leaned back in her chair. Vetinari stared at her and lifted his eyebrows, pressing his palms in front of his lips.

'I see you are not far from the old Latatian, miss Band.' Alice smiled nervously and rolled her eyes.

'Dear Yo! He understood my words… I was sure idi… uhum… people like you wouldn't have an idea...' She sighed. 'What a loose… If someone such like you speaks such noble language, then we are all lost…' She sipped from her teacup for last time, stood up, letting Whiskers step tiredly out of her lap on the devastated dragon-outlined carpet and came closer to Lady Sybil. 'Sorry, Sybil. I can't stay. There are some…' she looked at Vetinari. '…I hope I could see you around… Sometimes…' She turned to face the Patrician and pronounced with the higher disgust she was capable to. 'And you… Vetinari…' she squeezed her eyes. 'I believe I won't see you again, b'couse if…'

Willikins opened the door.

'Excuse me, miss Band, there is a man at the door. He says…'

'Oh, good' said Alice. 'Ta-ta, everyone. Won't miss me, go on with whatever pompous aristocrats do, I'm out!'

Lady Sybil giggled when the young woman went out of the room. She turned to Vetinari and smiled.

'What a girl. Isn't she just perfect?'

The Patrician sighed. 'Indeed, Sybil' he said calmly. 'What a… precious… creature.' Sybil turned to the small round table at her left, already lifting the chilled teapot, turning her back to Vetinari's face. He half-closed his eyes and put his gathered palms in front of his tight lips. He leaned back in his chair and took the teacup the woman gave him, sipped for a while and sighed thoughtfully.

---

Jovial tried to read the students' tests, squeezing the red pencil in his fingers. If someone would have told him he would teach such narrow-minded idiots he would not have believed them. They were staring at him all the time, writing in their notebooks, not mentioning the trap sentences he put in his speech, no idea he was joking with them almost all the time, checking who, the disc, they were. How could such idiots be students in the Scorpion School for Advanced Students? Even his sister was times and times better then them, while she was eight years old.

He looked at the large pile of papers in his front, coloured in red remarks. He sighed, while he was checking the tests again. Everyone failed, nevertheless it was the simplest of all of his tests. He leaned back in his chair, calming himself down. The door opened slowly, he dragged the dagger stuck under his desk, ready to throw it. Alice's face appeared in the open.

'Having fun, bro?' asked Alice, already closing the door behind her. Jovial sighed desperately. He handed her an empty test.

'Oh, cool' smiled Alice. 'You want to test me? Jolly, jolly! Give me the pencil.'

She started reading.

"First question: How many windows are here? Don't turn, if turn – lose five points"… Hmm… Three. One in the left, covered with grey cotton curtains. Next – curtains up, paint bark in down right corner. Last – in your nearest, curtains down.'

"Second question: Where would you hide in the room, so not to be found?" Mmm, Jov, you are such a jerk! Let me see… Not in the wardrobe, you'll check there first. Under the desk? No. Too obvious. Behind the curtains? Definitely not. Where? Probably… If everyone would be here, running and panicking around to find where to hide, I would stay where I am right now. Pretty cool to hide under your nose, right? If not… then I'll hide behind the door and when you come in, I'll follow your steps with a... Or I could climb on the ceiling in the corner over there, pretty dark it seems, and good place, giving enough room to rummage into the hidden pockets for arrows and daggers… Did I pass?'

Jovial lifted his eyebrows. Alice continued reading aloud.

"Third question. What do I have in my pockets?" She looked at him, blinking with her eyes. 'What are you trying to do, bro? Knock them out in the corner? What kind of test is this?'

Jovial sighed boredly. 'Go on, Alice.'

The young woman smiled nervously. 'Pockets… Yeah… They seem not full, I see some lineaments: pencil, daggers – two, coins – not big enough and not much, otherwise they would rip up your pocket… about a dollar. Am I right?'

Jovial sighed, lifting up from his chair, already turning his pockets inside out. Alice smiled, looking at Jovial's bored face. She blinked for a second. 'Did anyone pass?' He said nothing, but his face was desperate enough. Alice came closer, enough to whisper in his ear.

'The final test is tomorrow.'

Jovial blinked for a second, then he stood up and took her hand, already shaking it with the happiest sound he could give. The young woman's face made him sit down. She rounded her eyes, trying to avoid his stare.

'I met Vetinari this afternoon' she pronounced calmly. Jovial stared scarely at her.

'Did he do anything to you?' he jumped from his place. Alice smiled nervously.

'Not at all, bro. I think I did something to him. At least I tried…' She squeezed her eyes shot. 'He is unbreakable, Jov.' said Alice after long period of silence. 'I tried anything. Insulted him, threatened him, called him 'bustard', 'sadist', even 'tyrant', but he looks he doesn't have nerves, bro.' She sat in her previous place. 'I don't know what to say, Jov. He looks really dangerous. If I were you, I would never…'

Jovial sighed hardly.

'It's too late, Alice' he pronounced. 'I already took the contract…'

Alice stared at him. 'You did what?'

Jovial rolled his eyes.

'An hour ago. Downey asked for my presence and when I came, he handed me the file.' He looked at Alice's rage face. 'I couldn't refuse, sis. There are things I couldn't refuse. This contract is one of them.' His eyes glittered with strange fires Alice haven't seen for years, which made her sigh again, closing her eyes and put her face in her palms.

'You…' she started thinking which insults to use. Then she looked at his eyes and her rage disappeared. He looked so happy, so ready for action. She sighed again. 'When would you do it?' she asked, fixing her eyes in his. He blinked nervously, leaned back in his chair and looked thoughtfully into the ceiling.

'How can I help you, Jovial? Is there something I could do for you?' asked Alice, standing up and coming closer. 'I still don't have all the data you might need, but if I go there once again and if he appears to be there, I would…'

Jovial stood up, stared at her with the coldest of all his stares and said through his clenched teeth.

'You are not meeting him again, Alice!'

Alice stared at her brother, trying to read his eyes, but soon she found out he was not joking at all and slowly went to her seat. Jovial still stared at her. He calmed down his temper and pronounced as cool as he could. 'Now you are going home and stay there until I go back.'

She opened her blue eyes widely.

'And you are not opening the door to any one, Alice' said Jovial. 'Everyone who wants to get inside have the keys.'

He came to her, took her arm and said nervously.

'Come on, I'm taking you home. Don't say anything, just obey.' He looked at her lifting her eyebrows and nervously sighed. 'Just this time, Alice. Please…'

---

Lord Vetinari closed the file on the desk in front of him and looked through the window in his left. The darkness from the outside was deeper at this time of the night. Too late to go to sleep and definitely too early to start the new working day. He sighed deeply. Looked at the pile of papers he had pass through and the file he just read and signed. He put it over the rest of the stack and leaned back in his chair. Then he moved slowly, lifted up and made few steps to the closed invisible door, already pressing the hidden key. The panel opened, lord Vetinari stared at it and unbuttoned the top stud of his robe, pronouncing calmly:

'Have a nice morning, Mr. Band. Please, close the window, when you go out.'

The deep shadow remained still. Vetinari sighed tiredly.

'One advise, young man' he said, starting entering into the narrow corridor. 'Stay still, when you hide in the darkness, Mr. Band. The body paint works only if you stay still.'

The shadows in the deep corner didn't move. Vetinari started closing the door behind him.

When the panel closed, the deep shadow moved slightly. Jovial opened his eyes, put a hand over the belt where he kept his weapons and cursed:

'Damn!'

1 Bah! Humbug! (latin)