"Hey," I shout over the pounding music, grabbing the red solo cup out of my roommate's perfectly manicured hand. "I think you need to slow down."
"What are you, my mom?" she slurs happily, throwing her arm around my neck. Her skin tight black mini dress slips down a little as she she does so and I reach across her chest instinctively to cover her.
"You told me not to let you drink too much tonight," I remind her gently as she readjusts her dress, seemingly unbothered she just practically gave a crowded room full of frat boys a show.
"Saaaaaaaaaaage," she whines, her head falling lazily onto my shoulder.
"What?" I ask, suddenly awash in the deep, spicy smell of her perfume. She wears a little too much, in my opinion, but it's become such a familiar scent I don't mind it so much. Just the other day in one of my classes I got a waft of cinnamon and my head snapped up in surprise, expecting to see Adrian looming over me with mischief flashing in her emerald green eyes, only to see it was just the bearded boy next to me obnoxiously chewing a stick of Big Red.
"Are you okay?" I ask, struggling to hold her upright and hold onto her drink at the same time. "Do you need to get sick?" It wouldn't be the first time I'd held her just-stepped-out-of-a-Pantene-commercial-and-and-i nto-a-wind-machine chesnut waves back while she bent over a toilet.
"Please," she scoffs at me, tossing those glossy waves back and rolling her eyes. "Takes a lot more than this to get me sick."
A new song begins pumping through the giant speakers set up a few feet away and Adrian jerks upright and says, "This is my song. Come on, Sage!" And somehow she's gracefully taken her drink from my hand, deposited it somewhere, grabbed my wrist and is dragging me toward the sound before I can even protest.
"You shouldn't just leave your drink," I warn, looking behind me to see if I can even locate it.
"Meh," she shrugs. "Done for the night anyway."
"I'll hold you to that," I smile at her.
"What?" she yells back, apparently not having heard me over the music we're now right on top of.
I lean in and press my lips to her ear. "I said, I'll hold you to that."
She shakes her head at me playfully, then grips my hips and pulls my body up against hers. I roll my eyes and loosely place my hands on her bare shoulders as she starts to effortlessly twist and grind and her body to the music. Contrary to what most people would think just by looking at me, I'm a pretty good dancer myself, but I don't really feel like it right now. I'm content just to hold on to Adrian and let her have her fun. She deserves it, especially after the disastrous run-in she'd had with her father last week. He was in town on business and Adrian, who had been doing particularly well in her classes as of late, was excited to see him and inform him of her improvements. Things didn't exactly...go well. To put it lightly. Adrian's dad was kind of awful. He didn't understand her. Not many people did. Everyone just sort of casts her off as that sort of girl. A wild one who drinks and parties and sleeps around. Though I'd never partake in those things myself, I didn't see anything wrong with any of those activities, as long as she was doing them safely and kept the drinking and smoking in moderation. The latter is what she seemed to have the most trouble with. I worried for, but I also knew things about her that no one else did. Like, how smart she really is. And an incredibly talented artist. And the very best friend I have ever had.
People didn't understand me, either, for the record. My own father being at the top of the list. It was one of the first things Adrian and I had found ourselves bonding over.
"Are you trying to bring The Robot back or what?" I hear her deep, musical voice tease. She reaches up to grab my shoulders and shakes me. "Loosen up!"
I laugh. "Sorry, I was just thinking."
"Well, stop." she says, turning me around so my back is pressed up against her front. Her hands are around my waist again and she guides my body rhythmically against hers. "I know those little hips of yours have moves. Don't hold out on me."
I sigh exasperatedly and try to get a feel for the music that's playing. After a few moments I have the beat in my head and am able to move my body smoothly in time with it. But my heart's not really in it. This place is too hot and too crowded. I know Adrian just wanted to let loose tonight, but I'd much rather just be doing this alone in our dorm room. Although, that would be a rather strange thing to do.
"What's the matter?" she whispers, giving my sides a squeeze.
I shake my head. I don't want to bring her down. I don't know what's up with me tonight.
I'm about to turn around to give her a reassuring smile when a looming shadow passes over us and I look up to see a random guy standing a few inches from us.
His eyes drink in the sight of Adrian in all her glory and he gives her a flourescent smile. "You know something's not right when the hottest girl at the party is dancing by herself."
Adrian returns his smile brightly and lets go of my waist. I suddenly feel off-kilter, the spots on my body where her hands were a second ago are now tingling and cold.
I turn to see her hands are now placed firmly on Random Guy's chest and a strange pang goes through me. I don't know why I'm so offended, I don't really have any right to be aside from the fact that she's my friend and I think she could do better, but she doesn't really care about that sort of thing. She's told me on numerous occassions these guys she parties with meaning virtually nothing to her. She just likes to hook up, it's fun, or at least that's what she tells me. I can't really imagine that sort of lifestyle for myself, but maybe if I was as gorgeous and silver-tongued as Adrian I'd feel differently. The power to get anything or anyone you want must be quite thrilling.
But just as I'm about to quietly slip away from the scene, I hear Adrian shout over the music, "I'm not dancing by myself. Or can you just not see the hot blonde in front of me?" And she shoves him away. The guy laughs at first, like he thinks she's joking.
"I was too busy looking at you, sweetheart." He grins, then flicks his gaze to me. "But your friend is welcome to join us. A little too skinny for my tastes, but I can make an exception just this once."
My mouth almost drops at his words. Who does this guy think he is? I'm filled up with rage, but any comeback I may have gets stuck in my throat.
Luckily, Adrian never has that problem. She whips her head around and fixes him with a gaze so cold his smile disappears instantly and he looks a little bit scared.
"Listen you entitled asshole, no one fucking asked you to come over here. So why don't you just go peddle your pathetic excuse for seduction skills on that lamp over there, seeing as that's the only thing you've got a chance of getting with in this house."
A few people nearby overhear her and erupt into raucous laughter. Random Guy's cheeks flush with embarrassment. I can't help the smile that's crept its way onto my face. She turns her back on him, leaving him to finally stumble away with his tail between his legs.
"Prick," she mutters, putting her hands on my waist again. "Are you okay?"
I shrug. Although that guy's behavior certainly offended me as a woman, on a personal level I couldn't care less. "I don't really care what some random person at a party thinks of me. Especially someone like that guy."
"He's an idiot," she snarls. I don't know why she's getting so angry.
"Are you okay?" I ask, raising an eyebrow.
She puffs out a heavy sigh and nods. "I'm just so sick of men. I think I'm done with them."
"I've heard that one before," I laugh. "And they're not all bad, you know."
As if on cue, our friend Eddie is beside us, seemingly out of thin air. "Was that guy bothering you?" His shoulders are tensed, like he's ready to fight.
"Exhibit A!" I smile, giving Eddie a pat on the shoulder. He eyes me questioningly.
"I was just telling Adrian she shouldn't give up on the male gender, there are some good ones out there."
He smiles and shakes his head at me. Then looks at Adrian with concern. "Did he hurt you?"
"Oh my God," she scoffs. "No! He was just being a dick and I rightfully put him in his place. I can take care of myself, Castile."
Eddie puts his hands up and laughs. "Hey, more power to you. I just saw what was happening and thought I'd come over."
"Your concern is appreciated," I tell Eddie. "How's your night going?"
I feel Adrian's grip on my waist tighten and I wonder if the alcohol is hitting her now and if I should prepare myself for our inevitable trip to the bathroom.
Eddie shrugs. "Alright. This party's kind of lame."
"I'll say," Adrian grumbles, though she was singing an entirely different tune about 20 minutes ago. I tell her as much and she pouts at me.
"I was having fun," she replies. I can tell she's slipping into one of her dark moods.
"Do you want to dance with me?" I offer, trying to keep her upbeat.
She tilts her head down and looks at me coyly through her long, dark eyelashes. For a moment, my breath catches. She really is stunningly beautiful.
"Always," she murmurs in answer to my question and pulls me in tight.
Eddie clears his throat, suddenly looking a little uncomfortable. "I'll, uh...I'll see you guys around, I'm gonna so say hi to um...yeah." He stammers awkwardly before taking his leave.
"What was up with that?" I ask, watching Eddie as he leaves.
"He couldn't handle the mind numbing effects of our combined sexiness," Adrian smiles and I snort.
"Yeah, definitely."
"I'm serious!" she giggles. "I'm having a hard time keeping it together myself, you should wear skinny jeans more often."
I know she's joking but I still find myself blushing at the compliment.
We fall back into our rhythm, our bodies moving against each other naturally, and I really start to get into it. It's much better once I close my eyes and just pretend it's Adrian and me alone. I let my head fall back against her shoulder and her hands find mine, interlocking our fingers as we move. I feel kind of special, knowing that she could quite literally have her pick of anyone here, yet she chooses me.
It's funny. When I first met Adrian I'd thought having her as my roommate had been more or less a death sentence. I could tell within the first few minutes of our meeting that she was a wild sort of girl, and it scared me. Sometimes, it still does, a little bit. But I think it's more the effect that she has on me that frightens me these days, I can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I feel immense pleasure when her hands leave mine and travel back to my waist, squeezing softly. There's a spark that flows between us whenever we touch. We're so different and so alike at the same time. But it's in her company I feel the most safe, the most understood.
I turn my head and my nose grazes up against her cheek. She turns her head so that our foreheads touch. My eyes flutter open to find her dazzling emerald eyes staring straight into mine. She once told me during one of our intense make-over sessions (which is a broad term for Adrian forcing me to play her real-life Barbie doll) that my eyes were beautiful, like molten gold, she had said. But I think hers put mine to shame.
Still, I smile at the memory and she gives me a curious look. "What are you smiling about?" Our faces are so close, I can feel her breath on my neck.
I open my mouth to reply when the music abruptly cuts out, snapping us both to attention. "Cops!" Someone shouts. "We've got cops! Everybody out!"
Adrian squeals and grabs my hand, darting toward the door a mass of people are now flooding out of. Once outside, she kicks off her heels and picks them up with one hand, grabbing for mine again with the other. And we run. Even though Adrian is 21 and I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink, we take off into the night like mad fugitives, screaming and laughing all the way back to our dorm room.
"I hope Eddie got out okay," I gasp as we collapse into her bunk, breathing heavily.
"I'm sure he's fine," she wheezes, and it sounds painful.
"All those cigarettes certainly do wonders for your respiratory system, huh?" I tease.
"Oh, shut up!" she pants, laughing. "I don't want to hear it, Sage. I thought we agreed not to comment on each other's shit after The Incident."
Over the course of our friendship, we've had loads of arguments, but The Incident refers to our one and only big fight. Adrian had brought up my...issues with food. She claimed I had a problem, that I needed to start eating more and gain some weight. We laugh about it now. But at the time it had been very serious and ended in tears on both our parts. We didn't talk for weeks afterward.
"Am I really too skinny?" the words leave my mouth before I can think better of them.
The laughter dies in her throat. She turns over on her side to face me. "No," she says after awhile. "You have an amazing body. I've told you this."
"You also told me I needed to gain weight," I remind her, turning to face her as well. "And then that guy tonight..."
Her expression darkens. "Seriously? Fuck that guy. Do not let what he said get to you. He was a complete idiot."
I cast my eyes downward and sigh.
"Sydney," she says, reaching forward to cup my face and force me to look at her. She shakes her head in disbelief. "You really have no idea how beautiful you are, do you?"
When I don't reply, she scoffs. "Of course you don't. You wouldn't, would you? You're the smartest person I know, yet you never see what's right in front of you."
The look in her eyes is faraway and almost dreamy, and my heart leaps into my throat. I'm suddenly hyper-aware of everthing. The closeness of our bodies, the apple-y scent of her hair mixed with the spicy scent of her perfume makes her smell like Christmas.
Some of that wild, dark, sweet apple smelling hair tumbles into her face and without thinking I reach to push it back behind her ear. My hand lingers there for a moment, unsure of what to do. My heart thuds frantically in my chest as all these unfamiliar, frightening sensations stir inside me. There's something about the way she's looking at me that makes me want to bolt up and run out of the room. But instead I find myself sidling closer to her, letting my arm wrap around her in a loose embrace.
"You're the beautiful one," I finally say. She makes a gagging face.
"Really," I say. "And I don't just mean you're pretty. Everyone knows you're gorgeous. But I know you're so much more than that."
"I'm not, though." she says quietly. "You're just seeing what you want to see."
"No I'm not and we both know it," I argue firecely. "Anyone who can't see how amazing you really are is blind, or they're just not looking hard enough."
"Jeez, Sage." she chuckles after a moment, "Remind me to come to you next time I need a pick-me-up."
I'm suddenly embarrassed by my outburst of emotion. I draw back from her, the confused and restless feeling still swirling in my chest.
She sighs and rolls out of bed. "I need to get out of this thing," she announces, unzipping her dress and letting it fall into a heap on the floor. She kicks it to the side and saunters to her dresser, rifling through the top drawer presumably for something to sleep in. I feel a bit odd, watching her stand there in her underwear. I envy her boldness, but if I had the perfect slim waist and soft curves in all the right places, I probably wouldn't have many qualms about stripping in front of anyone either.
I force myself to avert my gaze and quickly undo my jeans and peel them off. I'm aching to get up and place them in my hamper, but if I get out of bed in nothing but a tank top and underwear, Adrian will never let me live it down. I opt for folding them up and setting them down next to the edge of the bed.
Moments later, the light flicks off and Adrian is bounding into bed next to me, clad in a dark red silky nightgown. All I can think is, she would.
"Cuddle tonight?" she asks, throwing her arms around my waist and squeezing.
I nod, rolling over to return the embrace. "Sure."
We snuggle in silence, for awhile, until I find myself asking, "Did you really mean it when you said you were done with men?"
Her laughter lights up the dark room. "Yes!" she exclaims loudly. "Forever."
Adrian's always been pretty fluid with her sexuality. In the time I've known her she's gone through just as many girls as boys. It's never bothered me. I mean, despite what most people assume due to my religious upbringing, I don't have a problem with homosexuality. Or bisexuality. Or whatever. Adrian didn't really identify herself as anything, as far as I knew. It was an unsettling thought. Didn't you have to be something? Maybe she didn't know what she was yet. Lots of people experiment in college, right? I mean that's a normal thing people do, right? I've never given much thought to it before, but now it's all that's on my mind.
"I've never been in love with a boy," she surprises me by saying. "I mean, I've crushed really hard on guys, sure. But the only times I ever thought I might be, you know...in love, it was with a girl."
"Hmm," my throat clenches, the confused and restless feeling returning to me tenfold.
"Hmmm?" she teases, nuzzling my shoulder. "What made you ask that, anyway?"
I shake my head, rolling so my back is to her. Maybe if I just don't look at her, the feeling will go away.
"Oh, come on." she urges, snuggling up behind me. "What's going on in that brilliant mind of yours?"
"You don't want to know," I sigh, burying my face into a pillow. I'm so embarrassed and I have no idea why. I feel like she can read my thoughts and that makes me want to curl up into a ball and disappear.
"Yes, I do." she says softly, right into my ear and it makes my heart twitch. "Sage?" there's a note of concern in her voice. "What's going on?" Her hand moves down to stroke my hip and when her fingers graze my bare skin I flinch.
"Stop that!" I hiss, my heart kicking into double time.
"Why?" I can't see her face but I can tell she's frowning. "Are you mad at me?"
"No," I say automatically. "Of course not. I just...I'm...I...don't know...what I am."
A few seconds of silence tick by before she responds. "What do you mean?"
This can't be happening. Not to me, of all people. I mean, I'm just...I never thought...I can't be...
"I'm freaking out a little bit," I finally say. Adrian grabs me by the shoulders and pulls me so I'm laying flat on my back. She props up on one elbow, leaning over me.
"What's wrong?" Her lovely face is etched in worry and confusion. Even in the darkness her flawless pale skin just seems to glow. I want to reach out and touch her. Her lips are so full and I need to know if they're as soft as they look.
"I just really want to kiss you." I blurt out and to my surprise, the world doesn't end. Instead, Adrian laughs and scrunches her eyebrows together.
"Is that all?" She asks. She leans down and plants a soft kiss on my lips. "There. Now that's settled."
Not really. My lips are tingling like they've just woken up. And they're hungry. "I..." I trail off, not knowing what to say. "I barely even felt that."
She laughs again, throwing me an offended look. "Are you dissing my skills, Sage?"
"Nevermind," I say, shaking my head, my cheeks hot with humiliation. "Just forget I ever said anything."
I move to get out of her bed and migrate to my own but as soon as I'm in a sitting position Adrian's lips crash into mine again. Hard, this time. I melt into it, amazed at how warm and soft it feels. One of us moves closer and the kiss deepens, her hands are cupping my face while my fingers weave into her dark hair. I let go of everything, all the confusion and doubt and fear inside me, and lose myself in the taste of her. I let myself fall back onto the bed and Adrian moves with me, hovering over me, our mouths still fiercely pressed together. Finally, when she breaks away, she flashes me a wicked smile.
"Did you feel that?"
I pull her toward me in response and she falls forward, her weight pressing against me. My skin ignites where hers touches, and I sigh into her mouth. I can feel her heart beating hard and fast, just like mine.
"Oh, Sage," she murmurs, kissing a path from my lips to my ear. "What took you so long?"
"Took me so long to wha-oh," I gasp as she moves her mouth to my neck, kissing and sucking on the sensitive skin there.
"I knew you'd have to stop resisting me eventually," she whispers into my skin. "But I must say, I was starting to worry."
I'm shocked by her words. Does she mean she could tell what I was thinking all this time? Even before I really knew I was thinking it? The notion fills me with a flicker of shame, then is quickly replaced by an overwhelming sense of joy. I don't really know where it's coming from. It just feels really good to be this close to Adrian. It feels right.
My joy dissipates into anxiety as Adrian moves from my neck to my shoulder, pushing aside the material of my tank top to kiss me there.
"Adrian," I whisper in panic.
She stops. "What?"
"What are you doing?"
"Kissing you," she murmurs, bringing her lips to my ear again. "Isn't it obvious?"
"I don't know what I'm doing," I tell her honestly. "I've never...not even with..."
"I know," she says.
"I'm scared."
"Hey," she wraps her arms around me. "We don't have to do anything you don't want to."
"I do want to," I whisper, "That's what's scaring me."
"There's nothing to be scared of," she says, moving in to kiss me on the lips softly. She brushes some hair out of my face and I lean eagerly into her touch. "I'd never do anything to hurt you, you know."
"I know that," I say, brazenly leaning forward with newfound abandon and kissing her. "I trust you more than anyone else in the world."
She smiles at that. "In that case, allow me to show you a few things." She leans in for another kiss. It's like we can't stop. Our mouths are magnets, rushing back to each other every time we pull them apart.
"Like what?" I ask, smiling. She lays me back down on the bed and moves her hands underneath my shirt. My eyelids flutter closed and I let her pull it over my head. I open my eyes and she's lifting her nightgown over hers and then slowly our clothing disappears until there's nothing but soft, smooth skin between us. Her hands explore my body and she tells me I'm so beautiful, so perfect. I can't believe that's true, but the way she looks at me makes me feel like maybe it could be. My hands are more tentative, not exactly knowing where and how to touch. I'm marveled by her raw, natural beauty. I want to kiss every part of her. I want to make her feel as good as she's making me feel. With her mouth all over my bare skin, her fingers soft and teasing and gentle.
"I don't really know how..." I whisper to her, moving my hand uncertainly to touch her in the same way.
"You don't have to," she whispers back, showering sweet, affectionate kisses on my face.
"I want to make you feel good."
"You are," she says, smiling. "This is the happiest I think I've ever been."
"Really?" I find that surprising, for some reason. I mean, I'm just me. Just Sydney.
She nestles her body against mine and nods. She looks up at me almost shyly. "I was talking about you, you know."
"What do you mean?" I ask, reaching to push back some of her now damp with sweat hair.
"When I said the only times I've ever been in love have been with girls," she says, a faint blush rising to her elegantly sculpted cheeks. "I was talking about you."
My breath catches and I stare at her, wide-eyed.
"There's no one who understands me like you do," she says. "Even though you've never tried to change me, you make me so much better just by being around. You make me feel like I can be more than just what everyone else sees me as. And I...I just love you so much, Sydney."
I think my heart stops. How can this be happening? I mean, this is Adrian. Adrian! My best friend. She can't be in love with me. And I can't...
You're the smartest person I know, yet you never see what's right in front of you.
Her words come rushing back to me and suddenly it's like a gear in my brain has finally clicked into place. Yes, this is Adrian. My Adrian. It's always been her, all this time, I was just too blind to see what was right in front of me.
I don't know what to say, so I just kiss her, hoping that it's enough.
And hours later when we're falling asleep in each other's arms, coated in sweat and panting with satisfaction, I bring my face close to hers. And when I look into her eyes, I am no longer afraid. "I love you, too."