(AN: Jon is a really complicated character. I don't think sarcastically labeling him as the "totally not gay" Uchiha is accurate. He's less gay and more just feels really bad for Sasuke. How do you explain his enthusiasm for Babe-sensei's huge breasts? I suppose even girls could be into her...hey, that's a good idea...but perhaps one best left for the future. Anyhow, Jon isn't gay, and Sasuke probably isn't, either! As Jon told Sakura, they are young enough for many firsts!)
Jon was in his house making out with Sasuke when he heard the doorbell ring. He asked himself, why was Sakura at the window and not the door? These Konoha people really have something against doors! He gleamed the dresser drawer containing the orb and the anbu mask, just incase. There was an alarm clock atop the dresser. Noon already?
"Sasuke, get in the closest!" Jon demanded.
"J-Jon-kun? I thought we'd been over this," Sasuke whimpered. His black Uchiha eyes wiggled behind pools of water.
"Sasuke, my dude, you're a totally gay bro, and I'd never ask you to stop being you," Jon replied. Sasuke smiled. "I meant, hide in the closest. Literally. Physically, whatever phrasing gets through to that stupid brain behind your sexy face."
"Jon-kun, you really know how to charm a bro," Sasuke said, walking to the closest. "He thinks I'm sexy..."
"Shut up, you dumbass, I'm just being nice!" Jon-kun shouted. Jon-kun did think Sasuke was sexy, but he had shit to do, so he kicked Sasuke in the ass, sending him flying into the closest. Jon then shut the door and put a lot of locks on it and threw the keys out the window. Jon and Sasuke's gay friction must have given them super speed, because whoever was at the door was being very patient.
Jon opened the door to Ino's face. She had cut her giant bang of hair, or perhaps just stopped wearing it that way.
"Uchiha Jon!" Ino shouted. She didn't look very happy.
"What is it, Ino?" Jon asked slowly, but not too slowly. He leaned against the doorframe and crossed his arms, very coolly.
"Uh, Jon? Slow down! You're talking a mile a minute!"
"Sorry, Ino," Jon replied. Is it because of our sharingans reflecting off one another's souls for so long? "What's wrong, Ino?"
"Did you sneak into my house and cut my hair?!"
"Why would I ever of wanted to have done that? You look ever so very plain now, my sweet Ino-chan, although the plainness is one of great beauty, quiet grace, and sexy good looks," he said smartly. He learned this technique from his foster father, who was a very good lawyer.
"Uh, t-thanks, Jon-kun?" Ino responded. "I think?"
"Of course, my dear Ino-chan." Jon-kun grabbed her hand and it brought it up to his lips. She blushed.
"J-Jon-kun, I guess I'll be on my way, then."
Suddenly, shouting came from the closest!
"Jon-kun! Can I come out now? It's very uncomfortable in here!" Sasuke shouted, muffelly. Ino's eyes grew wide.
"Who is that, Jon-kun?"
"Oh, that's just Sasuke. He's hiding in my closest from you."
"From me? Why?"
"Oh shit! I've said too much."
Ino narrowed her eyes. "Jon-kun, what do you mean?"
"It was Sasuke who cut your hair! He said he just needed a part of you."
Ino blushed. "R-really?" she asked. "He said that?"
"Hell, yeah, Ino-chan."
"Can I talk to him?"
"Well, you see, I kinda lost the keys, so you'll have to talk to him through the closest door."
"Oh, uh, okay, I suppose." Jon moved aside, and Ino let herself into the house. "Sasuke-kun?"
"Uh, yeah," he said muffelly. "Who's this?"
"Uh, it's Ino, Sasuke-kun."
"Ino?" Sasuke sounded as if he didn't know her. Jon began to worry that Ino would suspect that he was lying about Sasuke cutting her air, or that Sasuke would pretend Jon was gay.
Uh, c'mon, bro, Jon thought.
"Oh, hi, uh, Ino-chan," muffled Sasuke.
Maybe Sasuke isn't as useless as I had once thought, thought Jon-kun, sneakily.
"Sasuke, if-if you wanted some of my hair, all you had to do was ask!" Ino shouted then jumped out the window and ran away.
And here I thought someone respected the door, thought Jon.
"Uh, Jon-kun? Can you let me out of here?" Sasuke asked.
"Sorry, Sasuke-chan, but I seem to have misplaced the keys," Jon said, looking outside at the keys beneath the window. "I'm going to head out. I'll be back in a few hours or more with a locksmith, okay, Sasuke-chan?"
"Oh, okay, Jon-kun. I had a lot of stuff to do, but I guess I can wait."
Jon climbed up his windowsill, then stopped, crouching there. "By the way, I'm going to need you to pretend you're into Ino for a while, okay, Sasuke-chan?"
"But Jon-kun! What the hell? I thought you were my dude!"
"I am your dude, bro, but this is important. Please?"
"Okay, Jon-kun..."
"Thanks, Sasuke-chan," Jon said, dreamily, then leapt out the window. He pocketed the keys.
While walking, Naruto blocked Jon's path. Before Naruto could open his stupid mouth attached to his stupid fox face, Jon punched him in the gut. "How much do I have to abuse you before you get the hint? Leave me the hell alone, Sasuke!" Spittle flew out of Naruto's mouth, in slow-motion to the perception of Jon-kun.
(AN: I really want to have Jon and Naruto have a relationship, but that would be really gay and out of character. As I've said, Jon feels bad for Sasuke, because he is an Uchiha, while he doesn't care about Naruto's feelings.)
"J-Jon? Are you alright?" Naruto asked between wheezes. "I'm Naruto, not Sasuke."
"I know who you are, dumbass."
"Is Sasuke okay? I haven't seen him all day, and we were suppose to be on a mission with Kakashi-sensei! What the hell has gotten into that guy?"
Jon did not understand this Naruto boy. He had just punched him, yet he was only concerned about Sasuke. "Naruto, are you good friends with Sasuke?" he asked.
"Er..." the dumb fox face finally disappeared. "I wouldn't say we're good friends, but I like to consider us rivals. That was, until recently...now I'm not even sure Sasuke is worth my time, haha!" Naruto tried to look cheery.
"Naruto, look," Jon started, "I'm sorry I hate you and all, but you're just so annoying, and smell bad, and you even look like you smell bad."
"Haha, Jon, that's okay. I get that a lot." Naruto tried to sound cheery, and put that dumb fox façade back on. "You know, it's nice talking to you, despite everything. I'm always so lonely, especially now that Sasuke doesn't even show up to practices."
Jon sighed and offered Naruto his hand. Naruto peeked at the hand between the fox eyes. He looked for a while.
"Wow, Jon, I..." he offered Jon his hand. Jon noticed some brown stuff on it.
"What the hell, Naruto?! What is that?!"
"Oh my Gosh, Jon...I tried wiping my ass..."
Jon gave Naruto a look of pity, shook his head sadly, then ran away.
Jon ran and ran, like he wasn't running from a bunch of shit, but...he was. Naruto's shit! It took every bit of his will not to vomit. Had it been Sakura's or Hinata's, or even Sasuke's, he may have forgiven it. After all, it had only been a mistake. A gross, disgusting, unpleasant, gross mistake. Naruto was clearly just learning, but no amount of pity could compensate for the fact that he simply wiped his ass with his hand, even if he had tried to use toilet paper, which Jon was uncertain about. Uchiha Jon stopped running as he reached the door to the hospital.
"Jon-kun! I am so glad to see you!" Hinata said, excitedly! She was looking much better, but who was to say how she really felt! Looks can be deceptive! And thusly, Jon tread water slowly!
"Hi! Hinata! I am glad you are feeling better!" he said with truthfulness! But he did not believe!
Greek chorus: Woah is our hero! they shouted? (AN: I wanted to use a Greek chorus here, but it has been so long since I have read of one, and I was too lazy to look it up, lol! Sorry that I don't understand the formatting! Please forgive me, I'm not Greek!)
"Gomen, no Sai," whispered Jon-kun. He was crying again, but not because he wasn't manly. In fact, these were the manliest of tears. Jon-kun was reflecting on his weakness. "I am still so sorry, Hinata-chan," he said. This repetition, however, was not very manly. He is in fact, still a child of only like twelve or thirteen.
(AN: You can make them older if the sexuality is a problem to you. That is entirely your choice! Personally, this is akin to how I remember being an early teen, to be still under legal age, may be that whatever it is your country! I don't really view these characters as people, but rather a representation of how I felt during the age they are, and I read them. Any sickness you feel is merely your own doing, so I'd consult a doctor! Tell the head doctor you are having impure thoughts about fictional, underage characters, and he (or she, lol!) may be able to help!)
"It is okay, Jon-kun. Please, stop blaming yourself. I will be fine in a couple of weeks."
A couple of weeks? That doesn't cut the chunin exams! Jon grimaced for awhile, super sad like, regretting what he was about to do, for his next actions were very regretful. Jon gleamed, sexily. "You sure, Hinata? The chunin exams will take place in a week. Will you be able to make it?"
Hinata looked very sad, but said, "okay, Jon-kun. I'll try! I'll try my best!" she smiled sweetly. Jon moved closer to her and kissed her!
"I'm so glad, Hinata. You'll be fine in about a week! That is so good to hear."
"Jon-kun..." she whispered into him. Hinata may not have been as naturally attractive to Jon, what because of her creepy eyes and lack of pink hair, but she was so sweet it made him feel much worse than when he lied to Sakura!
"Hinata-chan...I..." he began, then grasped her head, gently, and brought his lips to hers. "I...I...I think I love you!"
"Oh, Jon-kun!"
"Just call me," he began, kissing her more deeply, then pulling back a little. His eyes were half open as he looked into her half open soul. "Jon-sama."
"Jon-sama," replied Hinata. The breath softly came between her lips, and tickled Jon's. She was so delicate and cute.
"I love you, and only you," he told her, which may have been a lie, but he felt so bad that he had to make her feel as best as possible.
"W-why do you say that, Jon-sama?" Her face contorted into worry.
"It's just...erm." Jon glanced away. "Sakura has been hitting on me a lot, you know? And I kind of really like her," he explained.
"Jon-kun..." she glanced away.
"But as I said! I only love you!" At this moment, that is...
"Jon-kun..." Hinata moved closer, and Jon kissed her. They pressed their bodies together, and he moaned at the feeling of her modest, budding breasts. He felt oddly drawn to them, as if he had never known his mother, which, sadly, he didn't.
"Hinata-chan..."
Suddenly, the door shook! Jon's eyes grew wide, then narrowed as he lifted his head smugly, because who entered was Sakura, and she was carrying many red roses, and blushing!
"H-Hinata. How are you doing, Hinata? And...Jon-kun? Is that you? Why are you here?"
"You know it's me," Jon-kun said, glaring. He wanted to add "bitch" into the exchange, but instead he said, "babe."
Sakura gave off a distressed chuckle. "I was just bringing Hinata some flowers."
"Some sexy flowers," said Jon, glaring sexily.
"Thank you, Sakura," said Hinata, smiling worriedly. "They are much appreciated." She coughed, but Jon could tell it was a fake cough.
"Sakura, Hinata..." he began, glaring still. Then his eyes relaxed. "If you're into each other, that is okay. I think we should all experiment! We're young, and there is nothing wrong with it!"
Sakura looked at Jon for awhile, as if she was expecting a "but," but once she didn't hear one for awhile, she smiled at Hinata. Hinata smiled back. Sakura held the roses out to Hinata. She took them, giggling, and said, "I'm so glad sexuality is fluid, especially when you're so young!" exclaimed Hinata sweetly.
Sakura nooded, "right!" Then Sakura leaned close. Her eyes closed as she brought a hand up to Hinata's cheek. Hinata glanced at Jon. He nodded. Hinata moved her face forward, pushing her lips into Sakura's! Jon grinned. The two made out for awhile, Jon loving every moment. He thought Sakura even tried to move a hand to Hinata's breasts! But he wasn't at a good enough angle to see, because he wasn't a pervert. But he imaged, and it was sexy.
"Jon-kun," the both said, in unison. Jon moved close, and the three started making out together!
Later, Jon-kun opened his door, to the alarm clock reading 11:30. He had made out with Sakura and Hinata for a whole ten hours, cause he's not gay!
"J-Jon-kun, is that you?" muffled the closet.
(AN: So, Jon has embraced his skills at manipulation! Oh no!)