A/N: I am going to warn you right now – the way my outline is looking, the pace will be a little slow for the next few chapters. My reasoning for this? I want to make it nice and easy to start out, because I want to establish relationships and patterns and habits and things like that, get the story started out right so I can go places later without alienating you.
I know for me personally, the beginning of the year always feels kind of uneventful because I'm so busy adjusting to how everything's changed. But don't worry – it won't be dreadfully slow and I should hopefully retain your interest in this bumpy beginning period. I merely want to inform you beforehand so you don't get terribly annoyed with me.
Be open to something a little different than what you're used to and try to enjoy this, guys.
Xx
--
September 10
8:15 AM
Status: Slacking off in Charms
This morning at breakfast has been a subject of rousing and passionate debate between Alice, Livvy and I.
Well, maybe not debate. But we certainly had a good discussion this morning at breakfast.
Today was Livvy's day to come and drag me out of bed, something she chose to do very early in the morning, meaning that I was awake in time for a leisurely breakfast with my friends. We three took seats at the Gryffindor table amongst the noise and clatter of metal utensils, tired but cheerful and considerably talkative.
"So…how are you two?" asked Alice, helping herself to some eggs. "Ready for class today?"
"Yes," said Livvy, satisfied. She had taken great pains to complete all her homework last night, because she's obsessive about keeping pace in coursework. Much more so than me or Alice, anyway. "I am definitely ready."
"Sorry, maybe I ought to have rephrased," said Alice. "Lils, are you ready for class today?"
Alice, like me, knows perfectly well that it's not even worth asking Livvy if she's prepared, because she will be. She always is. It's one of those things we differ on quite wildly.
"I suppose," I said with a sigh. "I'll have to do that History of Magic thing during lunch though. By eleven o'clock at night, I was not in the mood to discuss the importance of Uric the Oddball's various quirks. I did do the outline the essay though."
"That's something," said Livvy encouragingly, petting my shoulder.
"I did the essay, but I didn't write the antidote for Potions," grumbled Alice. "You wanna help me with that during lunch, Lils? I'm rubbish with antidotes. And Potions in general."
"Okay," I said. "Then can you proofread my essay, Liv?"
Livvy sighed. "Fine. But you owe me."
"Five Galleons of chocolates, whatever you want when we go to Hogsmeade," I promised her.
"Done," said Livvy. We have a three-way shake on it, nodding, before returning to our breakfasts. I, in particular, was starving, but that's nothing new.
Two hard-boiled eggs later, I took a swig of orange juice and then said, "So, you guys, I need your help with something."
"You're already in five Galleons of debt, plus the ice cream you owe me from last week – I don't think I can offer you any more help without feeling bad," said Livvy.
"You're an angel," I replied serenely, "but this is different. It's not essay proofing or anything."
"Excellent, I'm listening," said Alice.
"I…I've decided that I'm going to follow Livvy's example and shape up," I said. "I've come up with a list of seventh year goals. Made them the first night."
"Oh no, not another Livvy!" Alice groaned, her forehead in her palm. "No. I don't need another one of her."
"What's wrong with following my example?" inquired Livvy, raising an eyebrow. "I think it's a good thing. What exactly are these goals, Lils?"
"You know, things like not procrastinating, waking up on time, not eating so much," I said, managing to bite and swallow half of my sausage in one go. "Like studying for my NEWTs, following through with being a Head Girl, making sure I don't kill the Head Boy, making this a good year."
Alice surveyed me critically. "I see," she said. "And how exactly do you think you'll achieve these goals?" Her eyes flickered to my plate, which had been pretty full a couple of minutes ago. I grimace at her.
"By exercising my hidden abilities for self-control," I said. "I know there has to be a skinny, hard-working girl in me somewhere. I just have to find her."
"You're skinny and hard-working," Livvy said helpfully, petting my shoulder. "But you're right, putting limits on how much you eat and procrastinate would be a good thing. We'll definitely help you."
"Thank you," I said gratefully.
"We already wake you up in the morning, so there's one thing off your list," said Alice. "Livvy can go after your arse for homework. We'll all be studying for the NEWTs – and if we don't, McGonagall will be more than happy to go after our arses – and whenever you need to complain about being a Head, you know you have us."
"And I'll make sure you don't kill James," added Livvy.
"We'll motivate you through this," said Alice, a mad gleam emerging in her brown eyes. "It'll be great. You'll be responsible before you know it."
"Thanks," I said again, grinning. "Really. You're both wonderful. Alice, I take back everything I've said about you being a nosy, love-obsessed prat."
"Apology mostly accepted," said Alice easily, taking care to rumple my hair while her fingers were still sticky with jam. She ignored me when I gave her a Look and checked her watch.
"It's almost eight," she said. "Are you done stuffing your face, Lils, or can we go now?"
I grabbed a bread roll from the basket and got up. "Yes, I'm done now," I said. "Let's go."
With that, the three of us went to Charms, which is where I am at the moment. Flitwick thinks I'm taking really good notes on his current lecture, so he keeps smiling at me every so often as I scribble these lines. Alice smirks at me because she knows better. I feel bad for deceiving the poor guy. I should probably stop writing now…
12:30 PM
Status: Eating
Flashback to half an hour ago…
Me: (Walking to lunch)
Pot – James: (Comes up behind me) Hi.
Me: (Jumps) Oh. Hi.
James: Hey, you got a sec?
Me: Erm…all right.
James: (Brings me to the side of the corridor to talk to me without getting trampled) Okay, you know how we have to do patrol every night?
Me: Yeah.
James: Well…I'm also the Quidditch captain and I'm going to be scheduling Quidditch practices two to three days a week.
Me: So…what? They're only, like, an hour or so. You can do them before dinner and be there in time for the patrol.
James: But then I don't know when I'm supposed to even attempt to think about homework.
Me: It's tough, but you can change things around. You are the Quidditch captain.
James: Yeah, I know. But I might still come a little late or leave a little early on Quidditch nights.
Me: We haven't even been here two weeks. Has Quidditch even started yet?
James: Well, no…I'm holding Gryffindor try-outs on the 16th and I wanted to let you know before I forgot. Do you think you could you cover for me?
Me: (Sigh) So long as you don't make me do the whole thing alone, I suppose I could—
James: Thanks so much, Lily. I really appreciate it. (Pets my shoulder) I knew you'd understand. (Walks off)
Me: …Wonderful.
I told Alice and Livvy about the new development once I got into the Great Hall. Alice chuckled and sympathized, because James's schedule is a little rough. Livvy sighed and agreed with Alice on the rough schedule bit.
I felt bad, but I was kind of annoyed about it – I hope he's going to get in touch with a more mature side of himself when it comes to skiving off a few minutes of patrol. I don't need him taking advantage of the sympathy.
Alice's advice: Give him the Quidditch days off.
Livvy's advice: Let him off early on Quidditch days.
I've decided on a medley of these proposals – we'll get one day off a month, in which the other has to cover for us, and he can be let off fifteen minutes early on Quidditch days. I think that's mighty fair. Livvy and Alice approve too.
I'll let him know when I next see him.
12:44 PM
Status: Pleased
I told him. He's cool with it. He also invited me to watch the try-outs on the 16th. Hooray – everyone's a winner.
3:25 PM
Status: Moody/brooding
Classes are out now. Finally. The last bell has rung and I have now safely retired to the common room, where I can either do my homework or indulge a bit. I'm doing some of both – I'm glancing at my Charms book as I write these lines. But I did want to write, because it's a good thing to do when I'm slightly stressed. And I am slightly stressed at present.
After my last class – History of Magic – I walked down the corridor, heading to the seventh floor, as usual. I was walking with Ashleigh Greene, an acquaintance of mine from Ravenclaw. Ashleigh recently got together with Forrest Bingham and was telling me all about how lovely he was, and I was listening, when by chance, I happened to catch a glimpse of Severus Snape at the end of the hall.
Snape. Severus Snape. Upon sight of him, my heart sank into my stomach and for a couple of critical, delicate seconds, I couldn't hear what Ashleigh was babbling about.
I recovered, of course. I tuned back into Ashleigh's story, laughed at her punch-line and bid her good-bye when I went in the direction of Gryffindor Tower. But when I got to be on my own, like right now, my heart collapsed right back to my stomach and I feel awful.
Severus and I used to be friends. Good friends, actually. We weren't very close until we got to Hogwarts; but when we got here, even though we weren't in the same house, he was my only friend for a while.
The fact of the matter was that I trusted him. I did. He was the one to tell me I was a witch; he told me about the Wizard world; he comforted me when I worried; he assured me Petunia was talking through her hat when she called me a freak. We took walks on the castle grounds in the evenings when homework was light (a privilege I sorely miss these days).
I told him all of the fickle dreams an eleven-year-old nurses and he listened, then told me all of his. He was a depressed kid for a long time and I talked him through it, to a degree.
By the end of first year, I was pretty well-settled and had more friends, and that number only ever increased afterwards, but Severus and I kept drifting further and further apart. He would ask me to take a walk on a Hogsmeade day, but someone else would've already made plans to spend the day with me and I would have to tell him no. He started hanging out with people I wasn't comfortable around. He made me uncertain sometimes and he changed. He denied it, tried to tell me everything was fine, but I knew it wasn't. I'm sure that somewhere, deep down, he knew it too.
Despite the rift threatening to separate us, I thought we could remain friends. I thought we could maintain our relationship. I didn't want to let it go, because to me, Severus represented that uncertain pre-adolescent period when I was young and naïve and needed someone on my side. I don't know what I would've done if it wasn't for him. I thought I owed him, in a weird sort of way, for being the friend he was to me.
But all of that optimism died at the end of fifth year.
It was a typical day by the lake in early summer, after exams were done for the day. I was with Alice, Livvy, Mary Macdonald, and a few other people, dipping our toes in the lake and talking about holiday plans, when the Marauders were up to their usual antics. One of their favorite hobbies (which has mercifully since ceased in recent times) was taunting Severus and James was up to it again, this time hanging him upside down to let everyone get a look at his underwear.
It was childish. I know it was. James was the king of childishness, striving for attention because it made him feel important. He was a pampered little kid who knew what he wanted and how he was going to get it. Severus hadn't a quarter of his confidence and that made him an easy target. When I saw what was going on, I felt a rush of anger, because it wasn't fair that James thought it his God-given right to mercilessly torture anyone he deemed unworthy.
I stood up for Severus. I told James to shove off and told him what I thought of him. I thought I was doing the right thing, standing up for an old friend, but then he did the unthinkable:
He called me a Mudblood.
I remember just being in shock for a second or two. Mudblood. He called me Mudblood. He, who told me it was okay to Muggleborn, that I was going to be wonderful, that everything would be okay, he called me a Mudblood.
It ran much deeper to me than a slipped insult. I don't know why, but it did. It made me see we really were different, that we really couldn't be friends anymore because he stood for something I could never accept. I stalked off and refused to accept his apology and from then on, we haven't spoken. Somehow, we take pains to avoid it.
The incident and its repercussions were not pretty. They weren't ideal, not in the least. They hurt me and every time I see him, a little shadier everyday, I still think back to the nervous, hopeful little kid that took me in and showed me what to do; and it makes me sadder than I can say.
This mood will pass, I know, when I look to the pile of homework I have waiting for me this evening. I'll be perfectly all right, laughing with Alice at Livvy's latest OCD behavior, but the ache will never truly go away. Severus is a part of me, no matter what he chooses to become, I keep with me memories of how it used to be.
I've always had the hardest time letting things (and people) go. It's a weakness I fully attest to and sometimes wish I could overcome. But I guess this is how it has to be and I can't do anything about it. It's done, over, through. Sorry, try again later. Or never.
I see Livvy coming into the Portrait Hole. She looks like she has something to tell me. I think at the moment, I'd like to listen.
--
A/N: Next chapter – the Quidditch try-outs. Next two chapters after the next chapter – some general fun and LJ development. Yay!
Keep being awesome and I would appreciate some kindness when you tell me what I've done wrong. What? My ego is so unpredictable.
Review button is right down there.