I do not own RWBY. Boingy Boingy Whoopsy Knickers. I should let all of you know that when I said Jaune would be paired with everyone, I didn't really mean EVERYONE. Just pretty much almost every female character I can make entertaining. And maybe Ren.

Chapter 4: The Nevermores And The Bumblebees

Pyrrha felt extremely confident. This was like saying that the sun might be slightly hot, or that water was damp; an extreme understatement. Everything had been going her way and she was steadily making her way to where she knew she'd captured her beloved. She'd run into a couple of Grimm, but they were dispatched with ease and minimal amount of effort. Yes, life was going well for her. She was confident in her aiming skills to make sure her chosen High Priest wouldn't be caught by any other person and shanghaied as their partner instead of hers.

She made her way through the Emerald Forest, moving quicker as the time ticked on to make sure she got her prize. Eventually, she found herself nearby the area she'd assumed Jaune would have landed. "Jaaaauuuunnneeee..." Pyrrha singsonged, trying to catch his attention. I wonder if he'd be interested in a little pre-Initiation worship… She giggled to herself, her cheeks turning red. "Jaune? Are you here?"

Drip.

"Jaune? Are you there? It's me, Pyrrha."

Drip.

Pyrrha gazed about, frowning, then stopped. A relatively large puddle of blood was on the ground at the base of the tree, still bright red and fresh. Slowly, her emerald eyes gazed up, and her normally calm, wise demeanor dropped like a rock when she saw him, her beloved, her High Priest, the beautiful blond impaled through the chest to the tree behind him, limp and unmoving, blood still dripping from the end of her spear. "Jaune!" She cried out, using her Semblance to pull her spear from Jaune's body with a sickening schlorp!

His body fell and she caught him, eyes watering as she laid him down. She listened for a breath, anything, but there was no pulse, no breath, nothing. He was cold as the ground upon which he laid. "Why...why oh Lord Monty? Why would you take him from me like this!? Am I being punished for hubris! Oh Lord Monty, please, I beg of thee, spare this man! I cannot imagine life without him!" With all the pomp and circumstance of an out of work drama student, Pyrrha got to her knees and gazed skywards as she continued to plead. "Please, show mercy upon your faithful servant! Do not take him from me like this!"

Nothing. Pyrrha sniffled and sobbed, wiping her eyes. She slowly closed Jaune's eyes, (although why he looked more irritated than anything even in death was beyond even her divine ken) and slowly got to her feet. Oh Lord Monty...why would you do this to me? Was I not a good, merciful Goddess? Was I not kind to my worshipers? Why would you present me such perfection and take it away like this? My aim was true, only your divine word could have changed its course! Why, oh Lord?!

Now, if you've been paying attention, (and I hope you have been) Pyrrha is not a Goddess. So one could obviously infer that it was not Lord Monty who impaled Jaune through the chest, but Pyrrha herself, unable to accept the fact that she was not, in fact, perfect. Of course, all of this is beyond our mentally insane champion Spartan, so she simply began to walk away, turning away from her beloved's body as she slowly trudged away in tears. "WHY OH LORD MONTY?!"

She fell silent as she began to long, lonesome journey without her High Priest, feeling more lonely than ever, when something caught her attention. An impossibility. Something that shouldn't be. "Oh for fuck's sake! My hoodie's covered in blood! Great, and there's a massive fucking hole in the chest too. I swear, when I find the son of a bitch who impaled me, I'm shoving Crocea Mors shielth so far up their ass, that I can punch them in the taint and use them as a shield instead!"

Pyrrha slowly turned around, eyes wide, face paling. Jaune Arc was sitting upright, stretching out the fabric of his hoodie, glaring down at it. I-I-Impossible! He...he's alive?! But he died! I checked his pulse! He wasn't breathing! Is he...is he...a god?

"Seriously, this day is just staring oh-so-fucking swell! How hard is it to just land, and walk back to the freaking cliff and fail! This is mom's fault. YOU HEAR ME MOM!?" Jaune screamed wrathfully, shaking his fist to the sky. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Pyrrha blinked, still in shock, trying to ascertain exactly who the blond was before her. "Great," Jaune continued, "Now what gets blood stains out of clothing? Was it vinegar? Or was that semen stains?"

Pyrrha's eyes widened. S-semen stains? What on Remnant?! What has he been doing?

"No, wait, it's hydrogen peroxide! That's it. I'm going to have to buy that by the bucket load aren't I? Not to mention I have to worry about dealing with the giant hole in my hoodie and shirt. Suppose I can just repair it with my sewing kit once I get back."

What kind of god is he though? Pyrrha's mind continued wandering as she stared at Jaune. A god of textiles? A deity of protectors? A...a sex god?! That last one didn't sit with Pyrrha as badly as she'd thought. Well, he couldn't be my High Priest, but this is even better! It all makes sense for a God and a Goddess to become as one! No wonder he wasn't completely won over on first sight; he's used to gazing upon such divine delights! I'll have to work harder than ever then, in order to capture his divine heart! She pumped her fist silently and approached Jaune, who was still in mid conversation with himself.

"Alright, now to get the hell out of Dodge. All I have to do is walk back to the cliff side, have Ozpin fail me, and I'm out of here!" Jaune nodded to himself, turned his head, and froze solid upon seeing Pyrrha standing before him, smiling. The color drained from Jaune's face and his mouth opened and closed a few times, wordlessly, until he finally managed to catch his breath. "H-h-how long h-have you b-been there?"

"Long enough to understand your divine nature. Forgive me for not having noticed previously." Pyrrha replied in a matter of fact tone, as though she were apologizing for not having noticed a new hair cut.

"I...you...what?"

"Pray tell, what aspect do you reign over? I am Pyrrha Nikos, Goddess of Victory." She reintroduced herself, smiling down at him.

Jaune blinked, going quiet before the surrounding clearing echoed with the sound of Jaune's hand meeting his forehead. "You've got to be kidding me. There are so many things wrong with this situation that I don't think I'm capable of counting that high..." He groaned and slowly stood up, getting to his feet. "Okay, first things first, I'm not a god, I'm human. I'm just...cursed with this stupid immortality. Number two, this stays between us, capiche? No one needs to know about this. Not Ruby, not Yang, and certainly not Ozpin! And third, Goddess of Victory? Do you actually think you're a real life Goddess?" Jaune's eye was twitching by this point.

Pyrrha stood, confused. "W-well of course! What else would I be with all the praise I've received over the years? So many others have called me perfect, that what else could I be?"

Jaune pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know what, never mind. I'm leaving." Jaune began trudging his way back to where he assumed Ozpin would be.

"Jaune, where are you going?"

Jaune turned around, frowning. "Simple. Failing this test."

"W-what? You can't do that! You'd be kicked out of Beacon!"

Jaune smiled. "Yep!" He replied cheerfully, popping the 'p.'

No! I cannot allow this! You are mine, beloved! "W-well, as your partner, I can't just allow you to quit like this! What deity would abandon those in need?"

Jaune face palmed again. "Okay, let me repeat myself. I am not a deity! I'm just a simple human who happens to have a rivalry with death. Why is it that people think that just because someone can't die that they have to be a Hunter? Doesn't anyone else ever think that maybe, just maybe, I don't want to be a hunter?"

Pyrrha felt a twinge of panic. She didn't want to lose this beautiful blond boy so soon! "W-w-well..." She hated to have to do this, but she was desperate, "I...understand. I guess we'll both have to fail then..."

The blond froze, blinking. "Er...sorry?"

"Seeing how we're partners now, it looks as though if one of us fail, then we'd both fail." Pyrrha replied, taking the time to look upset.

"I...er...um...w-when did Ozpin say that?" Shit, did he say that?

"During his speech," Pyrrha lied, nodding sagely.

Jaune sighed. He wanted to fail, but not at the expense of anyone else. "O-okay. Fine. We'll finish this off then." Jaune replied in a dejected tone. "No word of this to anyone, got it?"

Pyrrha nodded, making a zipping motion over her lips. "Of course. We can't let everyone know of our divinity, they'd most likely panic."

"I told you already, I'm not-" Jaune stopped himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fuck it. Let's just go..."

[Emerald Forest – North]

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Do you hear that?" Yang looked around, frowning.

"H-h-hear what?" Blake replied, shifting uncomfortably, her cheeks slightly pink.

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Seriously, I keep hearing a buzzing sound!" Yang muttered, eyes narrowing as she glanced around. "Could it be a nest of Rapier Wasps?"

"S-sure..." Blake replied in her usual quiet tone of voice. This isn't working…

"Alright, let's get out of here. Hopefully we can find the relics first. Got to admit though, you're a hell of a partner. Awfully flexible too..." Yang grinned lasciviously at Blake.

The black haired girl gave a small, fake laugh, her legs rubbing together as she continued to look elsewhere, unable to meet her partner's gaze with cheeks still pink. "Y-you're right. We s-should get going." Why isn't this working yet?!

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"There it is again!" Yang yelled angrily, her eyes twitching. "That's it, we're out of here!"

The two proceeded to move out of the area, and quite soon, the two girls found themselves amongst the ruins of Emerald Forest, a multitude of pedestals standing with gleaming chess pieces sitting atop them. Yang and Blake moseyed up to them, gazing about to figure which to grab. "Ooh, I should grab this one." Yang swiped up a white knight piece. "It's a cute pony!"

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"Y-y-yeah..." Blake's face had only turned pinker, and her movements were strangely jerky, with the young woman stopping every so often to grab a hold of the wall, her legs rubbing together nervously.

"AAAGH! The buzzing is still here!" Yang screamed, clutching at her precious hair in irritation and rage. "Where the hell is it coming from?"

Out of nowhere, Yang heard a voice call out. "You guys alright?!" Rushing as fast as they could, Jaune and Pyrrha approached the two, Jaune looking actually concerned. "We heard you yelling, is there more Grimm?"

Yang shook her head. "No, that's not it-"

bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

"The hell is that?" Jaune asked, looking around, cocking an eyebrow.

"That's what I've been asking!" Yang yelled back, twitching.

Jaune looked over to Blake, who was busy looking off into the distance, refusing to meet their gaze. "Oh, hey, Blake! Nice to see you've made it." Jaune greeted, extending a hand.

Blake turned around, nodding to Jaune. "H-hey Jaune. G-good to see y-you too."

"You alright?"

Blake nodded wordlessly in answer. Yang on the other hand was stomping around, growing more and more frustrated at her inability to figure out where the constant buzzing noise was emanating from. "I swear to Oum..."

Luckily for Yang, however, a loud crashing noise and the sound of massively heavy footfalls drowned out the annoying sound, much to her relief. Everyone quickly looked towards the treeline as something came crashing through the woods. Soon, everyone watched as an Ursa Major stomped into the clearing, with someone sitting atop of it. The creature gave a low groan and slumped over, the figure jumping off and landing to their feet. "Aw, it broke!"

"Who the hell are you?" Jaune asked, eyes wide at the strange sight he'd just been witness too.

"I'm Nora! Nora Valkyrie!" The figure, an orange haired, bubbly girl answered, her eyes wide and cheerful. There was the sound of leaves being disturbed, and behind her a boy stepped forward, dressed in green, with black hair and a magenta stripe through it. The girl turned to the newcomer boy and threw her arm around his shoulders. "And this is Lie Ren!"

Jaune stepped forward and extended a hand to the boy. Something in the boy's face spoke to him, as though he'd been in the same situations he'd had the misfortune of dealing with. "I'm Jaune Arc."

Ren smiled and shook Jaune's hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jaune." Cute.

"Yep! Me and Renny are partners! We're together! But not together-together! That'd be weird. Do you think that's weird? I mean we are childhood friends, but not everyone has to follow that rule, you know? I mean if Renny bear asked me out, I'd totally say yes, but until then, we're totally not together-together. Do you like pancakes? I like pancakes. Hey, did you hear my sloth call? Renny said that's not what a sloth sounds like, but I think that makes it even more secret. What's your favorite kind of syrup? Are those chess pieces? What's that buzzing noise? I like bees, they make honey-" Nora continued to ramble on and on, Jaune's mind automatically tuning her out, fixing Ren with a sympathetic look.

Ren gave a tired smile, as if to say, 'That's Nora for you.'

Yang turned to Jaune. "Hey, have you seen Ruby yet?" She stopped and looked down at Jaune's hoodie and gave a scream of panic. "Jaune! You're hurt!" Before Jaune could speak to the contrary, Yang was already trying to look him over, moving her hands over his torso as she tried to look for the source of his bloodstained clothing.

"Yang, Yang! I'm fine! Calm down!" Jaune stepped back, lifting his hands up. "Seriously, this isn't even my blood!" Do not ask questions, Yang, please!

"Then whose is it? Pyrrha's perfectly fine! Don't tell me you found someone wounded and just left them!" Yang's tone turned accusitory.

"W-what?! No! Okay, fine, it's mine, I got a nosebleed earlier! I bumped into a tree!"

"Jaune, that's a lot of blood! And why is there a hole in your hoodie?!" Yang's eyes were wide with concern.

Jaune groaned and quickly shimmied off his shirt, revealing his bare torso. "See, perfectly fine! No wounds!"

Yang's concerned gaze turned to eager hunger, a glint in her eyes as she drank in the sight of a shirtless Jaune, licking her lips. "Oh Jauney boy! You never told me you worked out!" Yang watched eagerly at Jaune's body, his stomach showing clear cut abs and defined pecs, a physical sign of his intense training pre-Beacon. "Oh, Yang likes, Yang likes a lot!"

Nora and Ren looked over, Ren's eyes widening slightly and Nora gave a thumbs up. "Nice Jaune! You must work out a lot! Do you have a lot of training? I trained a lot. I don't have abs though. Should I get abs? Renny, should I get abs? I should work on my bottom too. Guys like bottoms, right? Wait, I thought they liked boobs more? Renny, which is it? Why don't you have abs Renny? You should work out more. Can you be stealthy with muscles? Why is there still that buzzing noise?"

Pyrrha's eyes widened and she licked her own lips. Oh Monty in heaven, hallowed by thine name! This for me? You shouldn't have! He's perfect! Oh to run my lips over that lovely skin! You shall be mine, mark my words! I'll do what it takes, but you belong to me, and me alone!

Jaune started to speak up again, his eyes flickering over towards Blake, hoping that she'd be the bastion of mental sanity that she'd seemed like the day before, only to see her staring at him with wide golden eyes before suddenly giving a very strained, loud, "Hhhhhhnnnggg!" before collapsing to her knees, face now bright red, body shaking. In surprise, Jaune quickly rushed over to Blake's side, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Blake?! Blake, are you okay?!" He asked, his own eyes now wide in concern, gripping her shoulder firmly. This however, put him, or more specifically his abs, at face level, and the combination of Jaune's hand on her shoulder, his concerned gaze and his firm abs once more in her face could only ilicit one reaction from Blake.

"Hhhhnnggg!" With that, Blake collapsed fully to the ground, body twitching, a stupid grin on her face as she began to drool.

As Yang and Jaune quickly rushed to her side in a panic, Nora looked up, frowning once more. "Hey, Renny bear?"

"Yes, Nora?" Ren answered back, his own gaze occasionally flickering over towards Jaune's shirtless body.

"Do you hear that buzzing?"

Author's Note: Oh jeeze, I'm naughty. I didn't come right out and say it, but those of you smarter readers should understand what exactly was going on with Blake. Those of you can also probably tell that Nora is pretty much her usual self, if a little more talkative, and yes, Ren is either gay or bi. I do plan on writing him relatively tastefully though, as he'll be one of the more 'normal' people in Beacon, relatively speaking. Keep reading, and be prepared for more perversion, insanity and death.

And remember, keep the reviews coming!