Aset, Great Mother, watch over my own mother. Nebhet, Mistress of the House, grant my mother comfort, Mother's pains had begun hours ago. I could feel my knees shaking with fear as I knelt on the cold floor, my eyes shut in concentration on my prayers.I heard Mother scream, and a wave of fear passed through my heart. I concentrated even more on my prayers. O Hathor, give my mother strength. O Meskhenet, Lady of the Birthing Brick, grant my mother a safe delivery. Nekhebet, guard my mother from harm. Heqet- I beseech thee, keep my mother safe. Taweret- be with my mother, please, I'm begging you, don't let anything happen to her… (1)
I tried in vain to think of more goddesses of childbirth to pray to. I hoped that the goddesses would listen, even though I didn't make any proper offerings or addressed them by all of their titles. I wasn't old enough to learn how to beseech the gods properly, but I didn't care. Even as I prayed, all I could think about was that Mother was in pain, and they won't let me anywhere near her! I was shut up in a room down the hall from where Mother was giving birth, with only Mahado to keep me company. Uncle had gone to be with Mother. He told me to stay here, promising that he would come back when it was appropriate for me to see Mother. Without anyone else to pray to, I got up and began to pace out my fury at not being allowed to see Mother, and my anxiety over her safety.
"Jani, if you keep pacing like that, you'll wear down the floor and fall through!" I turn to look at Mahado. His face was drawn with worry. "It's best if you would get some sleep. You look so pale and weary."
"How can I sleep when Mother's in pain and there's nothing I can do but hope that the gods will hear me?!" I immediately regretted the sting in my voice, but Mahado knew very well that my fury was not meant for him. Besides Mother, he knew me better than anyone else did, even back then.
"At least try, Jani. It's what your mother would want you to do if she saw you like this." he implored. I sighed and stopped pacing. I settled onto the bed- in my anxiety I didn't realize that we were in Nebatet's room. Mother often took me here. Thinking about Mother filled me with a sick feeling of fear. I looked anxiously at the door, wondering if Uncle Akhnadin was coming back as he had promised.
"Don't worry, I'll keep watch, and I'll wake you when Master Akhnadin comes back." Mahado seemed to have read my mind. Grudgingly, I closed my eyes and tried to sleep. But at that moment, I had a vision…
Mother is struggling, gasping for breath, and then she moans in pain. Nebatet murmurs to soothe her, and then I hear Mother say, "I'm not going to make it, Nebatet. This baby will kill me!"
I woke up with a gasp. Mahado, who had been standing by the door, appeared at my side. Taking my hand, he said, "What's wrong, Jani? You're trembling!"
"Mad, my worst fear is coming true. Mother's going to die! I saw her in one of my dreams! Just like the ones about the men coming!" I told him all about the vision/dream that I just had.
"But Jani, those dreams never came true. Those men never succeeded-"
"They almost did. But I have a bad feeling about this one," I argued.
"You only heard your mother say that, Jani. That does not mean that it will necessarily come true. Even the visions that great magicians have do not always have a direct meaning. Your mother will be just fine."
I wanted to retort, "What else is my dream supposed to mean?" However, I was too worried about Mother to do so. I said nothing further, and neither did he. I got out of the bed and sat on the floor with my back against the wall, hugging my knees. Silently Mahado joined me, and together we waited for Uncle Akhnadin to come back. I wished that I could find comfort in Mahado's words, but alas, I found none.
The sky to the east was turning gray when Mahado and I heard shouts saying, "It's a boy! A Prince for Egypt! The gods be praised!" I immediately got up and ran to peek into the corridor. Cheers were ringing throughout the palace. I strained my ears to listen for any word of Mother, but there was none.
Then Uncle Akhnadin came. The expression on his face was grim, and I couldn't tell if it was from exhaustion or from worry. In a steady, but emotionless tone, he said to me, "Jasana, you may go and see your mother now. She would like to see you as soon as possible." Silently, I took the hand that he offered me and followed him into the corridor. Mahado followed, and he grasped my free hand as if to give me some comfort. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask my uncle, but for once I remained silent. I became aware that the cheers had been reduced to ominous whispering. Although the room where Mother lay was just down the hall, the walk there seemed to be much longer. With each step I took, it felt like my heart was being weighed down more and more by dread and anxiety.
When we finally reached the threshold to Mother's room, I hesitated for a moment to go in, afraid of what I was going to see. I felt a squeeze on my right hand, and I turned to look at Mahado. He gave me a reassuring smile before gently pushing me forward. I walked into the room. Father was there, and once he saw me enter he silently retreated from Mother's side so that she could speak with me. As I approached Mother's bedside, I felt slightly relieved to see that she was smiling at me. But that relief went away when I realized that she seemed to be very weak.
I grasped her hand, and despite the lump in my throat, I managed to utter, "Mother…"
"Ah, my dear Jasana, my precious daughter…" Mother spoke softly, her thin voice barely above a whisper. "Oh, my dear, your face is so pale! You have been worried, haven't you?"
I nodded, doing my best to swallow my sobs and hold back my tears. Mother smiled sadly as she pulled her hand out of my grasp so that she could stroke my cheek. I started to cry, and she wiped away my tears as she said, "I'm sorry that you have to see me like this, that you have to go through so much pain." Sighing, she continued, "Alas, I'm afraid that you will have to endure much more of this sorrow, and I'm sorry that I won't be there to see you through it."
"W-What do you m-mean? You- You w-will g-get better, w-won't you?" I stammered through my sobs.
"I wish it was so, my dear, I really do. But that is neither here nor there, and there are things that I must ask of you. Firstly, look after your little brother," she had a brief coughing fit, and then she continued, "for he will be Pharaoh one day. Be a mother to him, and… and help him when he needs you. Can you promise me that?"
I nodded. At this point her voice was so faint that I had to strain my ears so that I could hear her. I could barely see her face through my tears. "Then listen to me, Jasana, and listen to me carefully. I have to tell you this…before I go… Don't worry about me, my precious jewel…It's my time to go…I promise that we will meet again in the next life…"
"Mother…please…please stay with me!" I sobbed. "I need you!"
Mother lifted her head to kiss my cheek. "You are strong, Jasana, and I know…I know that you will overcome this…and one day you'll be a powerful sorceress, I can see it… even though you won't be Queen now. Do not worry, I will always watch over you, and I will always be with you, inside your heart…"
Mother was too weak to say anything more, and so I laid my head down on the side of the bed and wept as she lovingly stroked my hair. Father sat silently on the other side of Mother's bed, grasping her other hand. As Ra's light filled the room, Mother murmured, "Farewell, my love, and farewell, Jasana, my jewel…" I raised my head and gazed at Mother. Her eyes shone, and she smiled as she reached out a trembling hand to stroke my cheek one last time. After a moment, her hand dropped to her side, her eyes closed, and then she was gone.
"How sad, the Princess is only seven! She is way too young to be without a mother."
"Yes, the poor child, she has been weeping, I can see it in her face. Yet she is beyond her years in strength, have you noticed that she does not weep in anybody's presence? But this death has hit her hard, and she grows thin. I hear that she's been refusing to eat. I wonder what will become of her, now that it is the Prince who will rule and not her…"
The two idle maids were too busy to notice me sitting nearby in a remote corner of the palace. Not wanting to hear any more gossip, I silently rose and walked along the rail, absorbed in my own thoughts. I did not care for what the maids said about me, or what anyone else said, for that matter. Khonsu's light (2) had strengthened and waned three times since Mother's death. After night upon night of weeping until dawn, I found myself unable to release another sob. Instead, I had become quite like an emotionless statue. I didn't feel any happiness when I stood by the throne that morning and Father had presented my brother to the people of Egypt, and when people bowed before me telling me how grieved they were to hear that Mother died, I always murmured some brief words of gratitude, or some sort of formality in an emotionless tone, never looking at them in the eye lest I burst into tears in front of them. But nothing I did, and nothing anybody said, could get rid of the pain. The grief was like a heavy stone lying on my chest sometimes, and at other times it was like a knife stabbing into my heart.
I wished that everyone would just leave me alone. There were always people telling me to be brave, for that is the proper thing for a Princess to do. There were those telling me that it was my duty to smile and appear to be happy for the birth of my brother so that the people of Egypt would be happy too, and it was my duty to set an example for the people. Constantly, when I sought to be alone, there were those noblewomen who would squawk, "Princess, it is your duty to do this…" or "Princess, it's your duty to do that…" Apparently they lacked the common sense to see that I was in no mood to be happy, and they were foolish enough to assume that I would overcome my grief in just a month.
I went to the stables to visit Nephthys; I knew that she would be just the comfort that I needed. When she saw me, she whinnied a delightful greeting, and I couldn't help but smile. As I prepared her for a ride, I heard a voice say, "Going somewhere, my little Princess?"
I jumped. Uncle Akhnadin stood right by my side. I expected for him to start lecturing me against going out on my own, but he didn't. Instead he just looked at me curiously, waiting for me to answer his question. I replied, "Uncle! Why, yes, I'm going on a ride. I wish to go alone, though. I just need to…um…" I didn't know how to explain why I wanted to go out on a ride alone. I just needed to get away and find some peace, and I knew that a ride with Nephthys would grant me what I needed. However, I doubted if Uncle Akhnadin would understand just how I was feeling at this moment. But, again, he proved me wrong.
"You just need some time alone, and some peace. Is that why, Jasana?" He asked softly. Seeing me nod, he then said, "But what about the banquet tonight? It's held in the honor of your little brother, surely you would want to go, wouldn't you?"
Suddenly I remembered how the noblewomen had lectured me, and anger rose within me as I said defiantly, "No! I don't want to go! I don't care if it's my duty to go and act as if all is well! I don't care if I should pretend that everything's all right, that there isn't a sharp pain tearing through my heart with every single breath, and that it is the way it was before Mother…" My anger suddenly subsided, and my voice broke as I suppressed a sob.
Uncle embraced me and said soothingly, "Ah, I understand. You are still grieving, and for you, the pain is still fresh. Very well, I shall go and tell your father that you will not be attending the banquet because you are indisposed. Will that please you?"
I nodded, wiping away a few tears. Smiling, my uncle lifted me up onto Nephthys, and after I grabbed the reins, he told me, "Promise me that you will be back no later than an hour after sunset. Wherever you go, Jasana, I hope that you will find the peace that you seek. It might seem impossible, but one day, your grief will end. And know this: Even though Mother is gone, she will still live on through you."
"How is that possible, Uncle?"
"One day you will understand." After he said this, my uncle walked away, reminding me, "One hour after sunset, Jasana."
I leaned against Nephthys' neck, and whispered, "Please, Nephthys, please take me somewhere, somewhere far away from here." My horse's ears pricked forward, and we galloped out of the stables. As we got further and further from the palace, I felt the grief in my heart slowly slip away. After a while, Nephthys slowed to a trot, and I saw that we had arrived at the oasis where Mahado and I always went whenever we rode. I slid off of Nephthys' back and sat down on the golden sand.
Even though Mother's death was three months ago, I still couldn't believe that she was dead, that she would never be able to ride with me to the place where I now sat, and that I would never again hear her tell me the story of Isis and Osiris…
Thinking of Mother brought more tears, and this time, instead of trying to hold them back, I let myself cry to my heart's content. As I sobbed, I wondered if I would ever stop crying, or if I would ever stop grieving for my mother.
Ra had not yet passed into the Afterlife when I rode back to the palace, the stabbing pain in my heart somewhat receding. I felt as if some peace had replaced the heavy feeling of grief that had settled in my chest. A little weary from my ride, I let one of the stable boys take Nephthys to her stall.
"Finally you've returned!" I turned, and I felt my heart lift as I saw Mahado standing in front of me. The last time I had seen him was before I went to see Mother in her last moments.
"Hi, Mad. It's good to see you again."
He nodded, his eyes shining, and said, "I missed you, Jani. Are you all right now?"
"Yes, I'm fine."
He smiled and breathed a sigh of relief. "That's good to hear."
"I'm awfully hungry though. Do you know where Uncle Akhnadin is? I want to tell him that I've decided to go to the banquet after all."
Mahado beamed when I said this, and without saying anything, held his hand out to me. I grasped it and followed him, feeling the sorrow in my heart slowly fade away.
Then I paused for a moment, suddenly remembering Mother's last words to me. "I'll always be with you," she had told me, "inside your heart..." What did she mean? I thought to myself. How can she be with me when she's already gone?
Wondering why I had stopped in my tracks, Mahado asked, "What's wrong, Jani? What are you thinking about?"
"Well, I just remembered what Mother said to me, right before she...she...died. She promised that she would always be with me, but I don't see how it's possible."
Pulling me into a comforting hug, he whispered, "I'm sure she'll find a way."
"Do you really think so?"
"I'm sure she will, my little Princess," Uncle stood in front of us, his eyes twinkling down at me. "If there's one thing that you children should know, it's that mothers always find a way to keep their promises to their children."
1- There are other gods associated with childbirth, but the ones in the story are the main deities for childbirth.
2- Khonsu was the god of the moon. The god Thoth was also associated with the moon as well.
Thanks for reading! Sorry it took me such a long time to update... it took me a little longer to work this one out. I hope it's OK! Please review and tell me what you think! I don't know when Chap. 5 will come out since school starts in a little less than two weeks. I'll do my best to get Chap. 5 up by then!