AN-Hope you all are enjoying the story! I know I'm taking Piper in a slightly different direction than most of Post Season one fics out there, but I just rewatched Can't fix Crazy and that look on Piper's face at the end is brutal. I'd love to hear what you think! I promise, much more to come.
Chapter Four-Return to Abnormal
She couldn't choke down another slab of prison loaf. Just the sight of it, laying on the tray all brown and gray, made her stomach lurch. She could hear words being spoken in the cell, mutterings about how she was working to keep her strength up, trying so hard, but everyone had their limits and she just couldn't do it anymore.
Piper blinked and shook her head a little. It was a new milestone; she was officially talking to herself. She stood up from her crouch on the floor of the cell and deliberately walked to the door, sticking the tray in the slot so she could at least hide the loaf from her vision.
Returning to her usual spot near the vent Piper tried to remember if this meal was supposed to be lunch or dinner. She didn't remember leaving her cell today, so maybe it was lunch. She thought maybe yesterday had been the exercise cage so today would be a shower. Leaving the cell had been worth the leers of the guards, male and female, for a while. Now she just didn't care if she smelled, it would be a new experience to see how bad the odor could get.
As the hours ticked by and no guard came to her cell she decided the loaf, which had disappeared without her noticing, must have been dinner. That meant she should try to get some sleep. She curled under her blanket and tried to shut down, but her mind was obsessed with visions of Doggett. She hadn't spent too much time dwelling on the crazy meth head at first, but since Caputo had told her Doggett was alive, it was as if she was haunting the cell in her makeshift angel outfit. That whiney grating voice would call out from the corners of the cell, or from inside the ventilation shaft mostly telling her she wasn't worthy of anybody's love, she wasn't worth nothing.
The first few time she had argued with the apparition. Of course Piper had made mistakes in her relationships, but who didn't? It didn't mean she was unlovable, did it? Larry just couldn't handle the prison thing, or the Alex thing, or much of anything that didn't conform to a comfortable life in the city. But he had loved her, probably still did.
Alex had loved her, put her in danger, put her in prison and then loved her some more. Piper knew she loved Alex in return, had told her as much even as she spoke words of rejection in the library. She had chosen the safe path with Larry, rebuffing the excitement and danger Alex represented, and in the ultimate irony Larry had decided life with Piper wasn't safe enough for him. So she knew she was capable of love, of being loved.
But Doggett's words still rang in her ears. She was unworthy, different than unlovable. Not deserving, unbefitting, contemptible even. There was undeniable truth in those sentiments and she was in no condition to refute them, let alone fight. When Doggett had lashed out verbally it had been cruel and crazy. But her retaliation, which had started as self-defense, had ended as a brutal attack against what she had refused to confront, the consequences of her own selfish actions. Pennsatucky had been the messenger and Piper had metaphorically shot her. Each punch had represented her own indecision, her toying with people, her ultimate weakness. She wondered if the person who had delivered that beating was all that was left of her.
So the hours passed slowly while the whispers tormented her until finally she barked out at them to leave her alone and let her get some sleep, and somehow it worked and she drifted off.
"Did you see her?" Morello called out as she spun into Nicky's cube.
"See who?" Nicky had just tossed her jacket down and was getting ready to go to lunch.
Morello rolled her eyes. "Chapman! I brought her up from SHU a couple hours ago, but then I had to do a mail run."
Nicky started down the row of cubes towards Alex's. "Did you tell Vause?"
"I just got here. Ain't seen anybody yet but you." Morello was scurrying to keep up with her ex but it didn't matter. Alex's cube was empty.
Nicky wasted no time in heading towards the hall. "Shit, she's probably already at lunch. Let's go."
It was Big Boo who spotted Piper first, standing in front of the cafeteria doors waiting for them to open to start the lunch service. "Hey! Chapman. Welcome back."
Piper turned towards her and gave a small nod. Everything was so noisy here in a raucous way. She wasn't sure she was ready to face a room full of women, but she couldn't wait to eat something, anything other than loaf. She thought if she got to the cafeteria early maybe she could eat, avoid a big scene and get back to her room.
Another half-dozen inmates gathered behind her, but Piper didn't turn to look. As soon as the doors opened, she made a beeline for the food line and gathered her tray and utensils. She was surprised when she looked up to see Flaca and Maritza running the serving line.
"Hey Chica! You're back. You look like you need some food." Flaca slipped some extra beans onto her tray before handing it to her.
Piper just looked down at the simple fare in wonder. She stopped at the closest table and began shoveling everything into her mouth, chewing as fast as she could.
"Whoa there." Big Boo sat down across from her and tried to get Piper's attention. "Better slow down or you're going to puke that right back up. Give your stomach some time."
Piper took a drink of juice and went right back to her food. By now Nicky and Lorna had caught up with them and sat down greeting Piper as well. When Piper didn't respond Nicky waved a hand in front of her face. "Earth to Chapman. Hey, you ok? Heard you just got back, that can be rough. You were down a long time." Nicky half-turned to Lorna. "She like this when you drove her up?"
Morello shrugged and nodded. "Yeah, she didn't say nothing. But that's how it is sometimes, you know."
Now Piper was practically choking on her food. Nicky gently laid a hand on her arm, but Piper pulled back immediately. Then Piper reached out and grabbed a roll off of Big Boo's tray and took a big bite. "What the fuck? Chapman, we'll help you out, but you gotta ask!" Boo hollered out.
Alex had seen Piper when she got in line to get her food. She wondered if she should say anything to her or just give her some space. She saw how the khaki shirt was hanging off her from obvious weight loss. But now Piper was attracting unwanted attention and she was worried it would escalate into something that could get Piper into trouble on her first day back. Sometimes that happened with people who had been in the SHU for long periods of time, and they ended up going right back down.
Alex grabbed her tray and headed to the table, sitting down right next to Piper. Boo was still grumbling loudly and Nicky tried to put her hand on Piper's arm again, only to have Piper flail pulling away, which pushed her right up against Alex.
She hadn't been sure what to do until Piper turned and looked directly into her face for just an instant before looking back down at her food. Her gaze had made Alex suck in her breath. Piper's eyes had been lost and haunted. Her face was pale, thin and haggard. After seeing Piper's reaction to Nicky, Alex hoped her decision was the right one. She didn't touch her, but leaned close and spoke calmly and reassuringly in her ear.
"Piper, it's ok, we'll help you, I'll help you. You can have my lunch if you're still hungry, just slow down kid." When there was no response she tried again. "Pipes, it's Alex. Do you know who I am? Where you are?"
Piper swallowed but didn't pick up any more food. When she looked up she scanned around at the women sitting at the table, landing last on Alex. Her eyes seemed to focus and one corner of her mouth twitched up into a tiny half smile. "Guess I was hungry."
Everyone exhaled together like they had been holding a collective breath.
Piper poked at the last of the beans on her tray with her fork. "Is it just me, or are these really spicy?"
Alex watched Piper carefully as she adjusted to life outside the SHU over the next couple of weeks. She took the voracious eating as a good sign and Piper could certainly use the calories. As much as Alex wanted to keep an eye on her all the time, Piper hadn't been assigned a cube yet, nor was she working, so Alex pretty much saw her only at mealtimes. She was concerned that Piper wasn't really socializing in the common room or talking much, but that was probably all just part of the adjustment process.
Watching and worrying about Piper gave Alex a distraction from thinking about her own problem. Leanne Taylor and had taken charge of the Born Again crew with a vengeance and Alex had become their favorite punching bag. After the first attack, Nichols, Morello, Boo and Red had begun dropping by the laundry as often as they could and Alex found herself with an escort pretty much everywhere she went in the prison, but they couldn't be with her all the time she was at work.
She felt foolish. She was smart, strong and crafty. She should have been able to execute a plan to get Taylor et all off of her ass by now, but everything she came up with carried the possibility of being sent to the SHU herself, either for beating Leanne to a pulp or for her own protection. Taylor was also proving annoyingly elusive. She was dumb as a box of rocks, but had a healthy dose of self-preservation and didn't seem to carry Pennsatucky's crazy gene. She always had one or two of her crew with her, even in the laundry.
That was proving to be the most unhelpful fact. Several of the meth heads, including Taylor, worked the laundry and they were finding it none too difficult to land an occasional gut punch or kick to the back when no one else was around. Every morning in the shower she was confronted with the evidence of her inaction in the form of multi-hued bruises over her chest, abdomen and what she could see of her back. The first bruises were just starting to fade as new ones popped up.
Alex knew this couldn't continue, but she also couldn't take any chances that would send her away unable to protect Piper. Taking the occasional beating was probably also keeping Piper safe from receiving the same treatment for now. She was careful to hide how bad it was from Nichols too, knowing her friend would retaliate, probably in spectacular fashion.
Alex hated being late for dinner. She had been half running down the hall when Mendez saw her, yelling for her to stop immediately. She still couldn't believe that fucker was back at work like nothing had happened. A one month suspension and he was right back to feeling her up as he patted her down. When he finally let her go she barely made it into the food line before they stopped serving. She grabbed a tray and found a spot at the end of the table where her friends were sitting. Surprisingly she found Piper was sitting right across from her, following her new routine of silently scooping in every scrap of food.
"Hey." She called over to Piper hoping to get her attention and maybe a smile. But tonight she just got a half nod without eye contact. Alex started to say something else but never got the words out before Leanne appeared. They were sitting at the table near the bussing station and it was easy for Taylor to drop off her tray, nonchalantly turn and lean towards Piper without drawing attention.
"You're going to pay for what you did to Doggett. Pretty soon you'll be in the dorms, or out at work, or in the showers, alone, and we'll give you a little visit. God is still on our side and he won't let you get away with hurting his disciple."
The whole time Leanne had been talking, Piper kept her head down, staring at her mostly empty tray. As soon as the meth head stopped Piper looked up at her. "You finished?"
When Taylor sneered and nodded Piper's hand suddenly shot out and gripped the front of her shirt, pulling her down right into Piper's face. Alex found her mouth was hanging open. She had never seen the emotion that was currently glaring from Piper's eyes. It was dark, malevolent and dangerous. When she spoke it was calm and quiet, but her voice carried.
"Don't fuck with me. I even think you are coming for me and I will hurt you in ways that make Doggett look like she was just getting a face lift." Piper didn't just release Taylor from her grasp, she shoved her hard, sending her flying into the dirty dishes and cups and making a loud racket.
Leanne extricated herself as gracefully as she could; holding her hands up to the COs to show everything was fine. She straightened out her shirt, now dotted with several food stains and muttered over at Piper, "We'll see."
Piper hadn't even looked at the woman again. She calmly picked up her fork and finished up the scraps on her tray. Alex glanced down at the rest of the table. All conversation had ceased. Everyone was staring at Piper. When she didn't return their looks, all eyes turned to Alex who realized her expression mirrored their own and just shrugged her shoulders.
Without saying a word, Piper got up, put her tray in the stack and walked out of the cafeteria. Only then did the spell seem to be broken, by Nicky of course. "Shit Vause! The SHU made your girl all bad ass!"
Lorna leaned in and whispered, "I think I may have peed my pants a little. That was scary."
Alex didn't know how to respond. She knew what she had seen in Piper's eyes and it scared her too, but now wasn't the time to discuss it. She got up to leave, her appetite was gone. She wanted to go find Piper and talk to her, get her to actually communicate, but there was one huge problem, which she relayed as she left. "She's not my girl Nicky."