Chapter 4 – The Odds We're Never In My Favor
I woke up face down with drool pooling from my mouth. A month ago, the moment I closed the door on Haymitch I dropped my bag on the floor and sat down on my sofa. I had only meant to close my eyes for a second since the walk from the train station exhausted me. I was out of shape and tired from the lack of sleep. Hours later, I woke up in the dark, forgetting where I was and how I got there. After adjusting my eyes, I reached over to turn on a lamp. Miscalculating the distance, I brushed the lamp with my hand that it crashed on the floor. The sound startled me. Looking around my home, it didn't seem real. I had expected to wake up in my hospital room at the Capitol, staring at the walls I had painted over the months during my treatments.
Now weeks later, I found myself in the same position waking up in my living room. I had not been able to sleep on my bed since my arrival. I think back to the first few days after my return. I didn't leave the house and I saw no one. Days later, Haymitch visited me along with Greasy Sae.
Flashback, three weeks prior –
I felt someone prodding my shoulder, waking me up from my sleep. Panicking, I grabbed the hand and twisted. "Shit, Peeta, it's me Haymitch. Let go!" he yelled. After a few seconds my mind cleared and I released his hand. Haymitch walked over to the opposite side of the sofa and sat down. I then realized that someone else was standing in the middle of my living room.
"Hey, kid. You remember Greasy Sae." He said nodding at her when he saw me staring. She stood a few feet away. She carried two brown bags in her arms. I blinked my eyes for a few seconds making sure she was there in front of me. I sometimes woke up during the middle of my slumber seeing Finnick and Prim hovering above me. Dr. Aurelius told me that they were delusions from the guilt I felt from surviving the war. Survivor's guilt was what he called it. Finnick was an ally who became my friend while Prim represented the life I once had back in District 12. A time before the reaping when I was whole, not physically disfigured and mentally battered from my experience in the last two years.
I nodded not feeling my tongue as I tried to form words from my mouth. "Good, because you will be getting daily visits from her to help you get food in you. I haven't seen you leave the house in days. I'm worried about you."
"I'm fine, Haymitch." I whined as I placed my right arm over my eyes. I didn't appreciate the intrusion and just wanted to be left alone.
"No, you're not. I haven't seen leave the house. What's going in here?" he pointed. I cleared the furniture, coffee table placed to one side of the room, leaving the large sofa in the middle. The rugs rolled up, the fixtures and paintings wrapped. "What's with the new décor?" I shrugged my shoulders not giving him an answer. "Uh, you're not thinking of leaving, are you?" his voice hitched. I continued to ignore him as my vision started to blur. "Hey, Peet, answer me."
I don't know how much time passed when I realize that Greasy Saw had left the room and Haymitch hovered above me. "You okay, kid? Do you need me to call a doctor?" he asked.
"Sorry, Haymitch, I felt queasy for a moment," I answered.
"Well, that's understandable since you don't have any food or water in the house. What have you been living on since you got back?" Greasy Sae chimed in as she walked back into the room. Her face was etched with concern and sadness.
"Thom came by. He brought a case of those protein health drinks after he saw the condition of my icebox. It's all I can handle. I can't stomach any solids since returning from the hospital," I said as nausea rose from my belly.
"That's not enough. Why don't I fix you a bowl of soup, it'll go easy on a empty stomach," Greasy Sae added. I shook my head, the thought of food and the smell made my stomach lurch. "You should eat, Peeta. You can't live on protein drinks alone," she recounted. I didn't realize how close she approached me when I felt a hand on my shoulder. I flinched but stayed still. The gentle touch was foreign to me. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth from the kind gesture. She left the room heading towards my kitchen.
"Well, Peeta while she's making the soup why don't you head upstairs and get a shower or bath. I'm going to make a couple of calls and see if I can get Thom to get some real food in your house," Haymitch mentioned.
I glared at him sideways not appreciating him taking over my life. Mentoring during the games was one thing but invading my personal space and time, I resented. "Your job's done, Haymitch. The rebellion is over, just stop pretending you care about me," I said.
He looked shocked and hurt. "Go take care of Katniss, she probably needs you more than I do." I was so tired of the secrets and lies. I was tired of being a pawn for the Capitol and the Rebellion. I needed to regain control of my life. Being with Haymitch reminded me of how easy I was fooled into playing into everyone's games.
"I'm just not your former Mentor, I'm your friend, at least I like to think I am," he alleged.
"Friends don't keep secrets from you, nor do they lie to you or abandon you. And that's all you've done since we've met. So no, you're not my friend, you're just a fellow victor," I returned. It was a bitter pill to swallow but it was the truth.
He stood up, speechless. "Listen, I understand now that Katniss was your main concern. She was the Mockingjay after all. No one else mattered. I was just another soldier in your rebellion. A chess piece in your games. The war is over and you've won. You've done your part," I added.
"Whatever you thought of me, I've tried my best at the time. But now, I'll be here, no matter what," Haymitch voiced in soft whisper. "I failed you before, I won't let it happen again."
"Don't make promises you don't intend to keep. It just makes a bigger liar out of you," I said as I stood up and left the room.
Present time –
That was three weeks ago. Haymitch visited every other day to make sure I ate my meals and cleaned myself up. His visits are awkward and uncomfortable. Greasy Sae never failed to arrive every morning to make breakfast and never leaving until after lunch. She would arrive right after her visit with Katniss since she was an earlier riser.
After one day of just sitting around in my house doing nothing, I decided to find an activity that would relieve my mind from the nightmares. I called Thom and asked him to pick up a few garden supplies. My home needed improvements after months of neglect. As I waited for those supplies to arrive, I decided to pack anything that was related to the Capitol, which decorated my entire home. That meant everything from end tables, bedroom sets, and any stick of furniture brought in from the Capitol. Johanna mailed me a catalog of furniture built in her district. New furniture created not by the Capitol was purchased and delivered within a few weeks. The old furniture I donated to Benj, a former District Seven citizen who decided to set up a furniture store in the newly built District 12. It was a fresh start for him since he had lost his sons during the rebellion. His wife long dead from an illness. Thom hired a few guys to repaint the exterior of my home since I didn't have the stomach to pick up a brush. I needed to remove all reminders and souvenirs from the games that meant furniture, fixtures, paintings, rugs and any paintings I did before the Quarter Quell.
The one item I couldn't pack was the Capitol's viewing monitor. All Victor homes had one installed permanently in the viewing room. The sound and picture would turn on when the Capitol had an announcement or during the games. For hours I couldn't figure out how to remove the monstrosity from the room. I had to climb up my roof and disconnect the wireless feed on the satellite dish.
The next step was landscaping around my home. It took a week of digging, planting, and watering the new plants I ordered from the new nursery in town. I plan to start an herbal garden as soon as the weather permits for certain plants and herbs seeds to be available. I sketched out a fire pit I would install. My mind raced with all the designing and plans to redecorate and exorcise my home from my old life. I wanted a new start; I needed it.
A couple of days later, Greasy Sae asked if I was interested in rebuilding the bakery. I closed down and couldn't eat for days. I try not to think about the bakery that was destroyed from the bombing. I didn't have the courage to visit the ruins of my family business and home. I imagined my family, their bodies buried underneath the rubble. With these thoughts, I started to have nightmare about them, calling for me to save them. I couldn't risk having an episode so I avoided any conversation or idea of talking about its reconstruction. The thought of baking again made me sick to my stomach.
For a month my mind was busy, I didn't sleep much and ate very little. I saw very few people with the exception of Greasy Sae, her granddaughter, Tamryn, Haymitch and Thom. I didn't need the company nor did I want it. I talked to Annie and Johanna during the week. Sometimes just to say hi. They were my lifeline outside of District 12.
In all this time, I tried not to think of HER. She would creep into my thoughts late at night when I would suffer bouts of insomnia. I would see glimpses of her when she would visit Haymitch or when she walked to town. I tested myself as she walked past my home peeping through my window. I was relieved that I didn't have an episode that the sight of her would trigger. But even though I don't see her, she haunted me. I wake up from a nightmare of her murdering my family. I dreamt of her in an orange chiffon dress, dancing and smiling at me with love in her eyes. I don't which was worse the former or the latter.
After three weeks at District 12, I was scheduled to see Dr. Aurelius but my visit was postponed and rescheduled a week later. It seems that my treatment medication from District 13 was out of stock. I laughed at the hypocrisy for District 13's main manufacturing was weaponry. It's ironic that the same district that fueled the war was same district trying to heal it. Then, I discovered that the manufacturing of my medication was produced for me alone. It was created and designed by Dr. Aurelius himself.
After I shook myself from my melancholy, I stripped off my sweats, put on a clean shirt, socks, shoes and headed out to my kitchen. The morning air is crisp and cold. It is close to 8 and Greasy Sae would be on her way to my home. Mornings with her and granddaughter comforted me, there are no words or awkward conversation; only speaking when necessary. Two weeks after her daily visits she brought Tamryn with her. She was a little shy at first but warmed up to me.
Days later, she caught me sketching, plotting out the areas where I would plant my herbal garden. Curious she asked me to draw her plants I planned on sowing. She laughed in glee when she saw my drawings, asked me if I could teach her to draw. Soon, her visits consisted of drawing lessons. She was attentive, eager and if nurtured with time, she could be a decent artist. One day she painted a bright yellow sun on a flat wooden board telling me to install it so that the sun would always be shining on my garden. I almost cried at the sheer innocence of her request. Tamryn will never know how close she was to experiencing Reaping Day. With moments like this, I realized that the war against the Capitol was necessary and long overdue. I just wished the cost didn't weigh so heavily.
I can hear laughter coming out of Katniss' home. Tamryn's giggle echoed in the air. It is a joyful sound. It's been so long since I heard the sound of laughter I that almost didn't recognize it.
My thoughts are interrupted with Tamryn appearing at my kitchen door. "Good morning Peeta." I smiled as she ran towards me and clutched my legs. I stiffened when I felt her little arms wrapped my prosthetic leg. I looked down at her, a wide smile on her face, her black hair pleated in a bow, her eyes crinkled. I remembered Katniss held that kind of smile and innocence at that young age. A time before the death of her father that changed her life.
"Good morning, Tamryn, how's my girl today?" I smiled back at her. She took my hand, giggling back at me.
Greasy Sae sauntered to the both of us. "Peeta, Tamryn wanted to ask you something," she added then nodded to her granddaughter.
"Grandma said you made the best cakes and cookies in all of Panem," she said. "Can you bake me a cake for my birthday?"
My throat constricted. I looked at Greasy Sae and Tamryn. How could I tell her that I didn't bake anymore. Just the thought made my stomach turn. I looked at Tamryn's eager, young face. I thought of another little girl with dark hair in a braid, her steel eyes shining. A little girl, like Tamryn who visited my parent's bakery years ago. She wore a blue plaid dress as she walked in with her father clutching her little hand. A bright yellow bow on her braid. She requested a cake with flowers for her eighth birthday. She giggled as she was perched on her father's lap overlooking a drawing pad that my father was sketching on. Her cake, chocolate with white frosting, decorated with primroses and Katniss flowers. I pulled myself away from the memory and questioned whether it was real.
I turned to Tamryn, "How old is my girl going to be?" I asked as I picked her up and placed her on my lap.
"Seven," she announced.
"Seven," I mocked back. "oh no, you're getting big and all the boys in school are going to want you to be their girlfriend."
She crinkled her nose, "Eww, boys are icky. They're smelly and dirty all the time," she shrieked shaking her head.
I tried not to laugh since her two front teeth were missing. She was adorable. After breakfast, she and I drew her birthday cake. Before leaving she added, "Will you come to my birthday party, Peeta?"
I panicked at the mere thought of being in a room full of people, let alone a crowd of kids and their parents. "Please, I want you to come. You're my bestest friend," she said.
I hugged her and whispered, "Okay, sweetie. Just for you I'll come." I don't see Greasy Sae who tried to hide the tears in her eyes. Tamryn threw her small arms around me, hugging me tight. At that moment, I reached inside myself to find the courage to do one thing I couldn't bring myself to do. I promised her I would bake her a cake and I was determined to not let me down. Tamryn was the one thing that anchored me away from a world, dark and oppressive. I will not fail her as I have failed others in my life.
Days later, I walked towards town on a mission to find supplies needed for Tamryn's cake. My plan was to go to town, pick up all the ingredients then get back before Greasy Sae and Tamryn arrived for breakfast. I was serious when I mentioned the state of my kitchen and icebox. When I left before the Quarter Quell, I made sure that nothing perishable was in my house. I donated all the clothing I owned to the orphanage of District 12 and even wrote out a will leaving everything and the money I earned from my Victor's salary to my family. I knew I was not coming back. Little did I realize how wrong I was. I reached the newly reconstruction town of District 12 with great apprehension. Everywhere I went people greeted me with a handshake or a touch on the shoulder. I tried not to grimace whenever anyone touched me. There was a taste of renewal and freedom in the air. It was a brand new day in Panem, a new era especially for District 12.
I bought all the ingredients at the new stores. Since trade was now legal, products from District 1 to 13 was available from vegetables to meat and canned goods. There was even a fine jewelry store from District 1 with small trinkets made of gold, silver and diamonds. It was a luxury not available or affordable pre-Rebellion. I was about to make my escape when a voice startled me.
"Peeta, hold up." Thom greeted me. He embraced me with big strong arms, the grocery bags in between us. "Hey, it's really good to see you. I was wondering if you were ever going to visit the new town."
"Sorry, Thom. I've just been busy." I apologized. I didn't want to tell him that I couldn't see or be around people.
"So what do you think? It's amazing, isn't it?" he gestured to the surrounding buildings and shops around town. I nodded in agreement. "We have all kinds of stores now. Look," he pointed at a shop. It was a pet store with little animals from birds to snakes and feed. "Crazy, isn't it. If wanted a bird, I could go and get one myself in the woods," he laughed. I couldn't feel his jubilation. "So, I know you just got back, but have you thought of whether or not you'll rebuild your family's bakery.
I panicked at the mere suggestion and hoped it didn't show on my face. "We cleared the area if you wanted to, you know uhm...people around have been asking if you're ready to rebuild and start baking again. The permits for construction are available to you when you're ready. Everyone misses your cakes and pastries," he rambled. "The new town isn't complete without the Mellark Bakery."
"I…uh…haven't thought…if…, I'm sorry, Thom, but I have to get back home," I started and turned around walking in a fast pace. My head started to spin, I swear I can hear a buzzing sound around me. I don't remember how I got home but the next thing I knew
I'm seated in my kitchen, hands shaking as I looked over the drawing of Tamryn's cake. It was simple yet beautiful. I concentrated on the drawing as I felt an episode appearing. She requested her cake to be decorated with her favorite flowers; daisies in multiple colors of blue, yellow, pink and purple. She insisted of no white because as she quoted white is 'quite boring.' On top of the cake is a butterfly sitting on the field of flowers. I have two weeks before I have to make the cake for her birthday party. I hope by then I am able to accomplish that. So in order to steel myself from that endeavor I decided to try baking a simple white bread. I've been staring at all the ingredients placed on top of my kitchen table. The task is daunting. I realized, if I cannot make myself bake something as simple bread, how can I bake a 3 tier layered birthday cake for Tamryn.
I cannot stop my hands from shaking, I tried to focus my eyes. I felt an onset of an episode forming. What triggered it, I don't remember.
"Peeta, are you okay?" Haymitch started. I didn't realize that he entered my home. "I've been calling you for the last 5 minutes. You've been staring at your table for a while now." I see him but his words were muffled in my ears. I grabbed the end of table with both hands. The next thing I knew the world turned black.
I woke up in a fetal position. My throat ached like I've been screaming for hours. My eyes felt puffy from crying. I can hear voices around me, but cannot distinguish the owners. What finally breaks me from my episode is hearing Tamryn crying, calling out to me.
"Peeta, wake up. Peeta. I want you to see the drawing I made for you," she cried, her tiny voice was heartbreaking. "Please wake up." I don't understand why she is here in my home while I'm in a middle of my episode, but her voice sounded like angels calling out to me. Pulling me away from my own personal hell.
"Tamryn," I sobbed as I extended my hand to her. She yanked herself from her grandmother's arms and clutched her arms around me as I pulled myself off the floor in a sitting position. She continued to cry in my arms with her drawing still clutched in her hand.
"Hey, wipe your pretty eyes. No more crying, okay? I want to see the picture you made for me." My voice cracked as I swiped tears from her cheeks. I looked down to see her drawing of us in a field of flowers holding hands. Our names are large and printed in bold letters. She wrote words underneath us that shook me to my core. Words I have not heard for a long time. It's what I felt around Prim as she took care of me in District 13. It's what I saw whenever Finn was with Annie. They were words that didn't exist in my life.
"I love you, Peeta," Tamryn declared. I looked at her in awe and in shame. I couldn't bring myself to repeat the words back to her so I just broke down and cried.