Characters belong to Shonda. The rest is mine.
One More Try: Chapter Four
ELIZA'S POV
One week later…
Tired. That's the only way I can describe anything right now. I'm tired of life. I'm tired of hurting people. I'm tired in general and I just want it all to stop. I want my life to just fall into place but it isn't as simple as that. Nothing is ever that simple. I know I created all of this and I know that someone is going to get hurt, but I think Arizona is past caring. I think Arizona has just about had enough of me and my crap…so I don't know what to do. I don't know whether I should just leave Seattle and allow her to get on with her life. It seems like the easiest thing to do, and probably the best thing to do, but I don't want to never see her again. I know in my heart what I want, but I'm not sure she wants the same thing. She took me home last week and basically said her goodbye as she left. Who can blame her, though? My actions at the time may have been the right thing to do, but she got hurt. Arizona got so hurt and I know that I can probably never really fix this. I know I can probably never call her my own again. She deserves so much more than someone like me. Someone who doesn't have the willpower to face her demons in her home. Someone who doesn't run for fear of ruining the one life that means the absolute world to her. My reasons still remain for why I left, but the damage between us is more than done.
I can see it in how she looks at me. She doesn't look at me like she used to. She doesn't have that same presence about her. She's wary of me. Sure, she has every right to be, but I wish she wasn't. I wish she didn't feel so scared of being hurt by me again. So, I know the damage is done. I know that no matter what I say or do where Arizona is concerned…we will never be how we were. She could never forgive me enough to truly open back up to me...and knowing that hurts. It hurts…but I only have myself to blame.
Sam is due here in the next few hours and I'm finishing up any work I have on campus so we can have a major discussion tonight. I know it isn't going to end well and I probably should have spoken to my fiance before she made her way to the US, but she's coming here anyway. She's taken a job with the company she was at in London and it's her dream job. There is no way she isn't coming here…regardless of what I have to say to her this evening. God, I'm such a fuck up. Taking two coffees from the Barista, I head down the corridor and towards my ex-girlfriend's office. I may or may not have checked out her timetable and I may or may not want to just see her right now. She's avoided me all week, but that's okay. She has no reason to speak to me…I'm the one who left, after all.
Rounding the corner, I find her door slightly open and my heart rate picks up a little. I can smell her perfume. I can feel her presence. Things may not be how they used to be, but she still makes my world spin. She still makes my heart pound out of my chance at the mere thought of her. God, I thought about her so hard in the UK. It became easier the longer time went on, but I spent most of my days wanting to pick up the phone and call her. I spent most of my nights dreaming about the life we had and how I'd messed it up. I just had to get back to a good place. She knows why I left now, but I don't know if my eventual honesty has made any difference. I don't know if she is just processing everything or if she truly doesn't care about my reasons.
Knocking lightly, I hear giggling and it tells me that she is happy. Pushing the door open, my heart sinks into my stomach when I find another professor standing between my ex-girlfriend's legs, her hand on her thigh and her lips trailing down her neck. Their movements ceasing when Arizona finds me at her door, she furrows her brow and I back out of the room. "Sorry, I just...never mind." Clearing my throat, I turn on my heel and disappear from Arizona's office. How stupid could I be? I mean, I'm contemplating ending things with Sam with the hope that Arizona may one day take me back, but she's so moved on from me. She has no reason not to.
"Eliza, wait!" The sound of her voice causing my shoulders to slump, I turn around and find her eyes. "Did you need something?"
"No, I just figured I'd bring you some coffee by." I shrug. "Sorry, I shouldn't have just shown up at your door."
"You don't need to apologize." She furrows her brow. "You're my colleague. You have every right to show up at my door." I'm her colleague… Okay, so that hurts hearing her refer to me as that. I'd sooner she just didn't refer to me as anything. It's easier that way.
"Have a good day, Professor Robbins."
"So, I don't get that coffee now?" She points to the cups in my hand and I glance down at them.
"I didn't think you would want it." I smile. "You're kinda busy right now."
"Rachel just left. She has a class."
"Right, well…um." Shaking my head, I realize I'm beginning to become a mess around my ex. "Then you can enjoy your coffee." Stepping a little closer to her, I hand her a cup and back away. "Enjoy."
"Did you want to join me, or?" She raises her eyebrow. "I mean, you don't have to but since you're here…"
"That would be okay, I guess." Giving her a small smile, she heads back into her office and I follow her. Closing the door behind me, I drop down into a seat facing her and I suddenly feel like I'm her student again. She has on that freaking skirt and those damn heels but I'm not here to undress her with my eyes. I'm here to simply share coffee with her.
"Everything okay here?" She asks as she settles down in her own seat. "You've settled?"
"I have." I clear my throat as I sit back. "Feels kinda weird being here as a professor but I'm sure I'll find my feet."
"Yeah, it's weird seeing you here as a professor." Arizona laughs. "You did good, though, and you deserve to be here just as much as we all do."
"Thanks." I give her a thankful smile. "You're not leaving?"
"Undecided." She toys with her pen. "I have some things going on in my life right now so I kinda need to stick around a while and see how it all plays out."
"Well, I hope everything works out for you." I do. I want her to be happy. She says it's been two years since she was happy, so yeah...it's her time to find someone who makes her happy. I'm assuming that's what she means by having things going on in her life, anyway.
"Is Sam settled?"
"She's due here at three." I sip my coffee. "She will settle, though. She's that kind of person."
"Sounds like the kind of person you need in your life." My ex-girlfriend nods. "Someone to keep you grounded."
"Oh, I don't know." I clear my throat. "I think it may all go wrong tonight when we sit down to dinner."
"Why?"
"I need to be honest with her." I study Arizona's face. "Even if she leaves me, I have to tell her how I feel."
"And how do you feel?" Arizona furrows her brow.
"Like I'm back where I should be." I sigh. "Like I made the biggest mistake of my life in taking so long to come back."
"You had your reasons." She shrugs. "Don't do anything you will come to regret, Eliza."
"I'm not." I shake my head.
"You love Sam. You should try and work through this." And that right there tells me that Arizona will never take me back. I guess deep down I knew this would be the outcome, but being back here has made me realize what I've lost. Being back here has made me only confirmed how much I still love Arizona. She will never understand the demons I faced when my mom died, but she isn't someone who would ever get herself into any kind of situation with drugs. "Eliza, you have to try."
"You really hate me, don't you?" A tear slips down my cheek and I brush it away. "I know you have every right to, but just how much do you actually hate me?"
"I don't hate you." She sits forward in her seat. "I hate what you did to me, but I don't hate you…"
"I'm having a hard time believing that." I give her a sad smile.
"Eliza, I spent two years craving you. Everything about you. You made me feel so loved that when you left, I felt like I had nothing left in my life. I didn't have anything left in my life." She sighs. "And I lay awake every night imagining the moment you came back to me. Imagining how I'd take you in my arms and hold you just like I used to…"
"But…"
"But you moved on in London. You came back here engaged."
"I'll end it all right now." I find her eyes but she simply shakes her head. "I will."
"No, you won't." Her own voice breaks. "I haven't had you for so long…and having you back here has made me realize that I survived. I survived what you put me through. I survived the hell on earth that I was living. So, you should be happy with Sam. You said yes to her for a reason and regardless of whether I'm here or not…that reason still stands. You love her, Eliza…"
"But I'll always be in love with you…"
"You'll forget me soon enough." She breathes out. "You forgot me once…you can forget me again."
"That's not true." I cry. "I never forgot you, Arizona."
"You've been sleeping with another woman for God knows how long…" She gives me a knowing look. "We both know I was the last thing on your mind."
"If you only knew the truth," I whisper.
"What does that even mean?" She holds up her hands.
"Nothing." I shake my head and stand. "I'll see you around, okay? Have a great weekend." Heading out of the office I had many amazing times in, I close my ex-girlfriend's door and make my way down the corridor. Arizona has her own life now, and I have to let her get on with it. She deserves the chance to start fresh with someone new…and it looks like she is doing exactly that.
My trip back from the airport has been virtually silent. Sam can barely keep her eyes open, and I've got the world on my mind right now, but I know I have to be honest with her when we get to our home. Pathetic, right? How I can call it our home when she's barely been on my mind since I left the UK. She deserves better than this. Her and Arizona both do. Maybe I should just quit life altogether. I mean, I only cause pain wherever I go so what's the point? What's the point in trying with either of them when down the line I'll fuck up? I always do so it's inevitable. Arizona is the one that I want. I know that with complete certainty, but I couldn't do this over the phone with Sam. I couldn't break up with her via a phone call. I may be a heartless bitch, but she deserves to be told the truth...to her face.
"So, your flight was okay?" I break the awkward silence.
"Yeah, great." She keeps her eyes on the window she has been looking out of for the past twenty minutes. She knows we aren't okay, and so do I. She's been off with me since the mistaken text message I sent her last week. Honestly, we've barely spoken to each other. "Just want to sleep now."
"Can we talk when we get inside?" Pulling up the drive of our home, she shrugs and exits the car. "Sam?"
"Eliza, I know how this is going to go, so do what you want." She gives me a knowing look and pops the trunk. Taking her bags, she moves up the porch and waits for me to open the door. Pushing it open, she steps inside and glances around. "Oh, she isn't here waiting for you?"
"W-Who?"
"Your perfect woman." She scoffs. "I mean, I didn't expect a welcome home banner or anything of the kind, but I expected Arizona to be here."
"Why would she be here?" I furrow my brow. "Arizona has her own life."
"And you are going back to it, right?"
"Sam, can we talk?" I ask. "No yelling. Just…talk."
"Say what you have to say so I can sleep and get out of your way." She rolls her eyes.
"You don't have to get out of my way." I grip her wrist.
"I do, Eliza." She turns back to face me, unshed tears in her eyes. "I haven't come here to be with you. I've come here to work."
"You've lost me…"
"I knew the moment you came back here she would be the one you wanted. I knew every time you talked about her that she was all you wanted. I may have been stupid enough to propose but I did that hoping you would only see me in your life. Not her or anyone else."
"Sam…"
"No." She holds up her hands. "I've always known you loved her. Jesus, the only time you are ever truly happy is when you are talking about her." Scoffing, she drops her gaze. "Just like right now…" She shakes her head. "I can see how your eyes light up at the mention of her name. The thought of her…"
"I'm sorry." It's all I can say to her right now. I know it will never be enough, but it's all I've got.
"She's giving you what I couldn't…" She laughs. "You know it isn't important to me, but I know she was your first. I know how much you crave the intimacy."
"It's not about that." I disagree. "None of this has anything to do with sex…or the lack of."
"Sure it doesn't." She steps away from me. "Still…she can give that to you and I can't. At least, not yet."
"Your beliefs have never been an issue, Sam. We both know that." I give her a knowing look. "But you're right…Arizona is the woman I'm supposed to be with. She is the one who makes me the happiest I've ever been."
"I know." She gives me a sad smile. "I just had to wait for you to admit it. To yourself, and to me."
"W-What?"
"I may hate that you are about to do this to me, but I've always known this day would come. I've always known that you would go back to her. Just…don't leave her again, okay?"
"She doesn't want me." I sigh. "But I don't want to do this with you and stay just because she doesn't want me."
"And I appreciate that." She nods. "Maybe you guys will figure it out."
"No, she has someone else in her life now…" It hurts to admit that, but Arizona is looking after herself and her own needs so I'm happy for her. "I'm sorry."
"Me too." She leans in and presses a kiss below my ear. "Can I crash here tonight?"
"You can stay as long as you need to. There is plenty of room."
"I get the keys to my apartment tomorrow, Eliza. It's just for the night."
"Apartment?" I furrow my brow.
"I told you." She smiles. "I knew we would end when I arrived here. I had to have another plan." Watching her walk away, I'm totally lost as to what is going on. She had no intentions of staying with me when she arrived here? Is that why she has been so distant? Has she been preparing herself…preparing to leave me? Wait, did she just break up with me? Fucking hell, I can't even get a break up right anymore. Glancing down at my left hand, I slip my engagement ring off of my finger and set it down on the counter beside me. Sam has just let me go and now I'm truly alone. Alone in life and alone in this city. Maybe I'll figure everything out and maybe I won't. Who knows.
Taking my cell from my pocket, I unlock the screen and pull up familiar contact details. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself but it seems I'm a sucker for pain and hurt in my life. It seems no matter what I do, I mess up. So, I may as well add this text message to the list of mistakes I've made in my life…because I know it's going to be one.
Sam broke it off with me…
I'm sorry to hear that, Eliza. Look after yourself, okay? Az x
Yeah, I'm definitely alone in this city. Shutting off the lights, I move towards the staircase and take them one at a time. I can hear Sam rummaging around in the guest bedroom but I should leave her to do what she has to do. Neither of them wants my time or attention, so yeah…that's me out for the night. I need sleep and I need a little time to figure everything out. What my life is. What it's about to become. Right now, I've never felt so alone, but I've made my bed…
I know that.
Thanks for reading, guys. Reviews are welcome and appreciated as always.