Chapter 4: Bend Your Mind
The next day was worse. I somehow overslept despite sleeping like crap and having a dream where I actually died. I guess it was just blackness and void after that point.
I forced myself to abandon the warmth of my sheets and rolled out of bed with a groan. When I looked out my bedroom window I saw that the dim dawn sky was the same clouded gray I'd endured for the last few days. I mean, it wasn't raining yet, but that was damning with faint praise since I'd yet to see the sun at all since I'd set foot in Forks.
I had to rush out the door with some cold pop tarts and when I got to school the parking lot was practically full. At least running late meant I didn't have to feel self conscious about how noisy the ancient engine on my truck was since most students were already in the school buildings and waiting for their classes to start.
While walking through the parking lot I noticed a gleaming red convertible I hadn't seen yesterday. I didn't recognize the logo, but then again I know absolutely nothing about cars. I was willing to guess it belonged to the Cullens and was also obscenely expensive. It was pretty obviously the nicest car in the lot. Once again, I had to mentally thank them for my not being the most conspicuous student at Forks High. If they really were hiding things like Charlie had sorta implied, then they were doing a crap job at blending in. Christ, Charlie… yeah, wasn't going to worry about that just yet.
I skipped going to the gym building where they had the student lockers and just walked quickly across campus to building three. Trying to move any faster than that would have sent me tumbling. I was still unzipping my coat when the bell rang but I threw it on a peg and rushed to an empty seat before Mr. Mason could take roll.
AP English is totally the shit! I took it as my first class so I'd have a reason to get out of bed, a plan which had just barely worked today. By chance I happened to end up seated next to Mike and as soon as the pledge of allegiance had ended he started in making snarky little comments to me about the lecture and our classmates and everything. I'll hand it to the boy, he has his witty banter down and he's good at dodging the teacher's attention.
When he wasn't trying to chatter at me he was leaning over in the other direction and talking with Eric, a boy that I'd been introduced to twice yesterday and whose name I hadn't remembered either time. Mike was good enough to help me with that at least. The best that could be said about Eric is he seemed like he actually had a solid grasp on the reading and he was willing to indulge Mike far more than I could muster at the moment.
Some other time I might have found this all amusing, but we were covering Wuthering Heights and I was eager to see if the teacher could tell me anything that I didn't already know about the book. It had been a favorite of mine a few years ago and I'd kinda dived deep into Gothic literature after that and read everything I could get my hands on. I remember having to tell my mom that my interest in Gothic literature didn't mean we needed to go to Hot Topic and update my wardrobe in darker colors.
Ten minutes later and Mike was trying to quietly laugh with me about what a monster Heathcliff is and I couldn't take it. I asked him to cut it out as gently as I could and he looked at me like I'd kicked a puppy and that the puppy that had been kicked was him. I'm sure when he turned to talk to Eric again it'd be about me this time. Whatever.
I was tired and jumpy all morning, the Trig teacher continued to be kind of a dick to me, and I wasn't sure which I was looking forward to less, confronting Edward or having to live through Alice's promised apology. I'd find out soon enough I suppose.
I was totally tongue tied during Spanish class and Jessica went off on her own once the bell rang, but not before extracting a promise from me that I'd sit with her again at lunch. I decided to stop by my truck and drop off some books since I was by myself for the moment. Of course, no sooner had I closed the door to my truck's cab and started back through the parking lot than I spotted Alice getting something out of the back of the red sports car. What a coincidence.
"Hey Alice! Imagine my surprise at running into you like this," I deadpanned.
She closed the trunk and turned around with her hands on her hips. "Bella, nobody likes a smartass." To say that she looked like a model would be an understatement.
She was wearing a shirt that looked like someone had melted a union jack flag to the point of lyrical abstraction and poured it over her chest until she was encased in a skin tight swirl of red, navy, and white paint. I could see the outline of a sports bra through it so I knew it wasn't actually just painted on. I had to admit, she was not quite as flat chested as I'd thought she'd be for someone so petite. Definitely on the boyish side, but there was something there. The shirt had a stiff starched white collar that sat on her neck completely detached from the rest of the fabric. Her eyes were surrounded by a predatory blood-pink swirl of makeup that covered over the dark circles.
She came up to me swiftly, confidently, until we were almost touching. A coat dangled uselessly in her hands, "It is good to see you though!" she said gently, "So, uh, can I borrow you for five minutes or should I start diagramming out a better ambush for you after gym?"
I laughed and went with her willingly, "So you admit it then! How did you know I was going to be out here today?"
She gave me a big toothy grin, "Would you believe me if I said I took the time to think through every possibility because I've pretty much got nothing better to do? There aren't even that many places you could be right now."
I wanted to tell her that still didn't explain how she'd guessed right, but the words died on my lips because he was standing in the distance ahead of us. Suddenly my mouth was dry.
She'd led us at a brisk pace to the secluded picnic benches on the south side of the cafeteria. He was leaning easily against a table, tall and bold, like he hadn't a care in the world. It was the sort of beautiful artifice I'd begun to associate with the Cullens.
His hair glowed wan yellow in the desolate light. He wore a particularly cocky smile and a sharp black pea coat with two rows of shiny brass buttons. This is what I'd agreed to, wasn't it?
Alice put her arm around my waist and led me closer when she sensed my hesitation. "I hope this is alright. I thought this would be better than us just showing up and catching you off guard." In truth I was a little scared I think.
We stopped a conversational distance away. Up close like this his eyes seemed almost amber instead of the black I'd noticed yesterday in the cafeteria. He had a squarish jaw and a long straight nose, sort of classically handsome in a way that seemed honest and open. Just one of those faces. I felt myself relaxing, wanting to trust him.
"You're still tense, aren't you," he commented as we drew close, his voice dusky and smooth, "Well, how about that? Trust me, there's no cause for alarm. May I?" he asked, indicating I should give him my hand.
What in the fuck was I doing!? I offered my right hand and he took it firmly in his own and pushed back the ratty sleeve of my hand-me-down coat. The rest of my fear left me at his touch and I felt perfectly calm as if the wind had stilled and the sun come out. I felt Alice's hand at my waist, ready to steady me if I keeled over.
He took a knee in front of me, a glowering vision of beauty, and brought my knuckles to his lips in a chaste kiss—it felt respectful. He held my fingers lightly and took his time like a suave motherfucker. His lips lingered on my skin, polite and unignorable. The kiss was dry, cold, and unbelievably bracing. I felt the hair on the back of my neck stand up and I'm sure I was completely red.
He lowered my hand but didn't release it. Looking up at me and attempting to smile he said, "Isabella, I am truly sorry that I frightened you. Please, would you accept my apology and let us start again as friends?"
I shook my head, mute.
Alice was laughing now, leaning against me as she struggled to catch her breath enough to speak, "Wow, that was way too much. You told me you had this. That was your plan?"
He looked over at her with a piercing glance of irritation, "You could have stopped me."
"Nah, we agreed it wouldn't be sincere if I meddled and told you what to say. Just, I'm glad Edward isn't here today is all I'm saying. You get to be the one to handle him throwing a fit about this when he gets back."
I was intensely aware of his fingers on my bare skin. His skin was super soft and it reminded me a little bit of the sensuous feel of deerskin leather. Looking back, Alice's touch had been every bit as smooth and frozen. Having his fingers wrapped around me was like having my hand submerged in cool water: slightly unpleasant and distinctly unnatural. With a start I pulled my hand back. I so hoped no one saw any of this.
I really wanted to ask them both about Edward. I was curious about why he was out of school, but it came as something of a relief for me as well. First things first though.
I tugged at the shoulder of his jacket insistently, "Please, would you stand up already Jazz, I can't talk to you like this."
He stood up in a fluid motion and looked at me with the weirdest expression on his face. I wasn't sure what it was for a second and then he burst out laughing too, gentle honest laughter that matched Alice's mischievous peals of sound.
"Only Alice calls me Jazz," he managed after a moment, "I'm sorry." Finally, once he had himself under control, he looked at me appraisingly, "So… you don't know my name, do you?"
I was forced to shake my head again. Could I be any more awkward?
"Oops, that's my fault," Alice chimed in.
"Well then, Jasper Whitlock Hale at your service. And you prefer Bella, correct?" I nodded and he continued, "I suppose you could call me Jazz if you like, though I promise you that people will look at you funny."
"Um, yeah, nice to meet you. I've never had someone do that to me before. Kiss my hand I mean"
He smiled and rubbed the back of his neck beneath his long hair, "I'd imagine. Even when I was a boy it was practically obsolete around here, except down in Mexico. So, what do you say to that apology? Can we start over?"
I wanted to just say yes. There was something magnetic about him. What stopped me was how eerily calm I'd become. Normally I'd have wanted this to be over with, I couldn't stand confrontation, but now I was calm enough to think. Calm enough to be bold.
"Jasper," I said his name, testing it out in my mouth, "what are you really apologizing for?"
"For giving you a scare yesterday," he replied, not understanding my question.
"No, I mean you looked like you… well, like you wanted to kill me. What was going through your head?"
Alice took my left hand and squeezed it gently, "Bella, this is a bad conversation. Just let it go." Jasper looked over at her with a questioningly arched eyebrow and she shrugged, "You two can do this if you want. Bella's not going to run away screaming or anything."
"I had a compulsive violent fantasy yesterday," he said. "It's something of a problem for me. As you can see, I'm perfectly fine now." His face had hardened a little, taking on a sterner edge. He clearly didn't want to be talking about this either.
"What was it? Tell me and you're forgiven. What was going through your head just then?" I asked, my voice barely a whisper. Alice's hand in mine was a cold and welcome reassurance.
"If you insist I suppose. I, well, it's, hard to describe with just words. May I touch you by way of showing? It will probably scare you a little but I promise I'm not about to hurt you."
His voice was cool and compassionate, tinged with the hint of some accent I couldn't quite place. Alice let go and took a step back to give us room. I guess she knew where this was heading.
I was perfectly calm. Beneath the calm I was perfectly terrified. Everything was perfect.
"Yes," yes yes.
He moved shockingly fast. Before I knew it he'd darted around me and grabbed me in a choke hold from behind. There was no pressure on my throat, but it was still a choke hold and it was real as shit. The spell of calm was broken and all of the anxiety I'd felt walking over here came crashing back in a dark gust. What had I just agreed to?
"It would have taken a bit to shake off Edward and Alice. They'd be poised to jump in and stop me. Then Rosalie and Emmett would try too, but too late." His voice was right beside me, his lips almost touching my ear. It was exciting and alarming. His breath blew chill against me.
"First I'd go for the girl who'd walked by my table, Whitney, do her quick, mechanically. Then I'd have come for you when you stood up to run. I was counting on you hesitating."
He put his left hand on my shoulder and spun me so I was facing the picnic table. The motion was effortless for him as if I were a rag doll. The steel bar of his arm never loosened. It was locked firm beneath my chin but I still felt no real pressure there.
"I'm sensitive to smells, set off by them. That's my excuse for her. I don't have one for you. I just liked the look of you. With Alice's desire the fuel to my fire. Ser uña y carne."
Wait, I knew that. I'd learned that in Spanish at my old school. It meant fingernails and flesh. In other words, an inseparable friendship. Me and Alice then? His accent was impeccable with the slightest hint of a drawl.
His arm shifted and he was pushing against the bottom of my chin. Carefully he pushed my head back, baring my neck. Positioning me.
Despite the animal menace of his words I could tell he was going slow, taking pains not to hurt me. I hoped. I was going to feel real silly if he just fucking killed me.
"Bella darlin', sweet little Bella. I wanted to bash your head against that table until your skull splintered and your brains spilled out. I wanted to see the wreckage of you, pink and luscious in the light. I wanted to feel you twitch and spasm against me. It'd be so goddamn easy."
I heard Alice's voice a few feet away, "Jasper! Don't you dare!" She sounded concerned.
His hand on my shoulder bent me forward with an irresistible force. His body was pressed tight to mine on the right side and his face was buried in my neck. The edge of the wet wooden picnic table shot up to meet me. Dizzying. Terrifying. Helpless.
I didn't feel the impact. Scratch that. There was no impact. His arm at my neck had shifted to my collar where he was holding me up now. His hand that had been at my shoulder was tangled in the dark locks of my hair pulling me back and controlling my head. My forehead was lined up perfectly at the tops of my eyebrows with the edge of the table. I could feel the press of the cold damp wood.
His body felt solid and taut on top of me. So close. His hand entwined within my hair was pulled tight and my scalp stung ever so beautifully. How did this get so bizarrely intimate? He gave the curve of my neck a gentle kiss and then straightened me up again. I shivered deep in my core.
"I'm sorry if that ends up bruising your shoulder but I…" he started to say something. I took two steps away from him, dazed, and tripped over my own goddamn feet.
I closed my eyes. It'd be ok for me to just sit here in the mud, right.
I felt myself being lifted and soon I was sitting at the bench. I still didn't want to open my eyes. Not until I stopped feeling dizzy. At least I was starting to feel calm again.
Alice was nearby, "Hey, so I take back what I said earlier. The hand-kiss wasn't too much after all. That just now, that was too much."
"I figured if you and her are going to be the best of friends she should have some idea who I really am," he replied evenly, "what I'm capable of."
"You're not that guy anymore Jazz. Not for a long time now."
I finally found my voice, "You've hurt people before. When was the last time?" Even to me, I sounded weak and shaky.
I opened my eyes and he had that pained expression again, his open face was clouded over with it. "Eight years ago I injured someone. Very badly. That was the last time so far."
I considered it. "You must have been, what, maybe ten at the time. People can change you know. Are you in therapy at least? Should I be worried about you pulling a Columbine or something?"
He shook his head ruefully. "Carlisle has helped me more than he knows, ever since he took me in. You don't have to worry. I'm just like anyone. Just a person. I'm… harmless"
Alice had her arms around him from behind. He nearly couldn't say the last word. The way it rolled off his tongue it was imbued with such terrible yearning.
I sat there catching my breath a moment. "I've got to say, you've got some seriously impressive control. I'm not sure many people could have stopped my head like that." Good job Bella, act like this is all totally normal.
He smiled at me, trying to take the complement. His smile was tight and he looked pensive rather than pleased.
"I thank you for saying that. I'm not sure it's entirely warranted, but I'm glad you believe it nonetheless. Your faith in me makes me strive to keep it."
I pushed myself off the bench. My feet held steady. My shoulder ached. Hell, he really was strong.
"Well, this has been truly bizarre," I started. "If I ever need my head split open I know who to ask I guess. Apology fucking accepted. I'm going to go inside though. I'm starving and my hands are totally freezing. Catch you weirdos later I guess."
Alice danced out from behind Jasper looking really worried. "Bella, are you ok?" She had such a pretty little voice.
"See, not running away screaming," I said. I did my best to smile.
I turned and put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time. The door was just around the corner of the building.
I could do this. My panic built with every step away from them I took. All the horror I should have been feeling finally settling over my heart. I was shaking now. I told myself it was only the cold. I just needed a better coat.
I looked back and my vision swam. He was a tall black silhouette and she was a violent splash of color. Eyes forward again. Keep going.
I put my hand to my neck where I'd felt his icy kiss. It felt like the spot was burning but it was just my imagination. What had I gotten myself into? Did I even want to escape?
Just a few more steps. I wasn't going to run. Not a peep.