Author's Note: It took forever for me to write Christine. I worked really hard on her. Started, and stopped this story three times just for her. I know that the nurse is often vilified in fics. And I don't believe her character got a fair shake in TOS. But I wanted to show that Christine is more than what we were given in her character. I know there are alot of people on the Chapel ship- so in the words of New Chapter... "write, post...DUCK!"
The Women He Loved- Christine Chapel
A Destiny Deferred
There was something about Christine Chapel.
It would be an untruth to say that he had not been, nor ever was attracted to her.
He was.
It started slowly- a something he could not explain. She wove herself piece by piece, moment by moment into the very fabric of his being.
She was beautiful in her own right. A sensitive, emotional human woman of the textbook caliber- though that did not diminish her worth or value in any respect.
Christine was a nurturer- a trait that was a credit to her position as head nurse. And she was not unintelligent- possessing keen insights into bio-medical research.
She would have made an excellent choice of companion for any man…but he was not a man. Male- yes. But not a man…
He had used this excuse whenever she got too close to him- falsely attributing his discomfort with her to a lack of want when in essence he felt every inch of her desire…
He desired her, too.
Lust.
Intellectually, he knew that he could dominate Christine. That she would acquiesce to whatever his desires were, not unwelcoming. Though he knew this…
He rejected that part of himself.
And so he stayed away.
But she persisted and he resisted…until he could do so no longer…
When the Psi 2000 virus struck, he was forced to confront both her feelings and his own- though he was not a man, he was half- human- a flaw- Vulcan logic with human emotional control and she pushed and pushed until…
Blue eyes, innocent and wide, looked into his own…and they worked to control him…
Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely…at least, people say that…but you're part human too…I know you don't…you couldn't…hurt me…would you?
He wanted to say yes…yes…he could…he would…and he would enjoy every moment of it…it was his nature…it was not hers…
Too soft…too fragile…delicate…
"I'm in love with you, Mr. Spock. You, the Human Mr. Spock... the Vulcan Mr. Spock... I see things... how honest you are. I know how you feel. You hide it, but you do have feelings. Oh, how we must hurt you... torture you…"
In truth it was torture…sweet, delicious torture and he could feel his other self…his Vulcan self, presenting at that moment- and he wanted nothing more than to give in to his most primal desires- he wanted desperately for her to cease…to remove her hands…to stop touching him for his loss of control…
He found himself breaking down and it took all his effort to tear himself from her.
"I am in control of my emotions…"
But he wasn't. The walls he'd spent a lifetime erecting were crumbling like the sands of Vulcan and he could no longer control the internal battle of his two selves…
They were dissolving and he was dissociating…his human half fighting with the Vulcan urges…
"I am in control of my emotions…"
It was later that evening…after the day had passed and he had been restored to his right mind that he had time to sit and analyze exactly what had happened to him.
He had requested privacy from his lover, and she had acquiesced accordingly- innately knowing and understanding. Though she did not know context, she understood need…
His heart hurt.
He had been so close to taking what he wanted- and she would have freely given it. It would have been simple and easy…but as he dwelt upon it...he realized he did not want simple.
He contrasted the lightness of her eyes with the darkness of his lover's…the willowy elegance with the curvaceous sensuality of the other...the transparency and openness of the first with the complexity of the second and he realized…
That he did not want easy…
He could choose two paths, one simple and unconditional, the other rough and rocky…and while any man would be content with the first, in his heart he desired the latter…
And he made his decision that night…to take the road less traveled…
It was a decision that would come again and again for him…
She was there when his Pon Farr hit.
He burned…the desire washing over him in waves, his mind focused on only one thing…to mate…to take…to devour…
He was being called back and he did not want to go, but his body needed…
When she arrived at his door he believed her to be the one…he wanted to take her instantly- focused on what he would do to her as soon as she entered …until he realized she was not…
No matter…he would take…and she would let him…
She was not what he wanted…but she could…
No!
Somewhere his mind screamed at her and he saw fear…genuine fear in her eyes…
And as he threw the platter at her, he was not conscious of it hitting the wall outside or of the stares in the hall. He simply knew he could not- would not…
She was not what he wanted (Nyota)or what he needed (T'Pring)but it would have been easy…
He regretted his actions towards her.
He did not want her to fear him and he knew she deserved better…much better than the alien he was…his true nature revealed…exposed…
Her words in his mind echoed from months before…
Men from Vulcan treat their women strangely…at least, people say that…but you're part human too…I know you don't…you couldn't…hurt me…would you?
Yes.
She would not be able to control him and he would hurt her…Too fragile…too delicate…emotional…so human…
She was not who he wanted…not who he needed…and he knew he would consume her…
They were being rerouted! No! Did they not understand his need! He burned…He could not…would not go back…he needed release…
He had been confined to quarters…it suited him well…temptation walked the halls…around every corner they were there…inviting, hypnotizing…and his desire mounting…
He was in bed when she approached…
He sniffed…arousal…
His animal self kicked in- tempting, seducing…
She was not what he wanted…not what he needed…but he could…oh! He would….
Ms. Chapel.
Yes, Mr. Spock?
I had the most startling dream…you were trying to tell me something. And I couldn't hear you…
It would be illogical for us to protest against our natures…don't you think?
He advanced on her…like a leopard stalking its prey…and he watched with satisfaction as she quaked before him with apprehension and desire…he could smell her arousal,..It would have been so simple…a partner…she could alleviate his physical urges, but she could not temper the psychological desires- and he needed the physical and the mental…
I don't understand…
Your face is wet…
I came to tell you we are bound for Vulcan. We'll be there in two days…
Vulcan.
Ms. Chapel-
My name is Christine…
Yes, I know, Christine.
Would you make me some of that Plomeek Soup?
He would not…A test. A test of what will he had remaining…
And then…
Christine was gone.
And before him was she…his desire…Nyota…
He took her, mind to mind, body to body and through her he felt…release…acceptance…
She saw him at his weakest, most vulnerable, brutal…and yet…he saw no fear…
Only love…acceptance…
And he knew in his soul…it would not have been the same with Christine…
He could not to do her what he did to Uhura…she was too delicate…too fragile…she would have broken…she could not control him…he would have broken her…
It had been a clever move. Henoch may have had his body, but he did not have his mind. He was in a place no one would think to look and for just a moment in time… he became more intimate with Christine than he'd ever thought to be.
They had been of one mind, one body- hers…and through the experience he realized the depths of her feelings for him.
He could not even begin to return them- he was simply incapable of it. Incapable of giving her what she desired, and in truth she deserved one who could fulfill all her emotional needs.
He was not that. Could never be that. She would demand more than what he could give her…and he knew…just as Nyota had walked away from him…Christine would too- she was empathetic…and sensitive…he would overtake her…dominate her-
Until the day he was forced to break her.
He broke Christine.
The Platonians broke Christine.
He had been torn in two and they had picked apart his psyche. Invaded his mind and stolen and exploited his demons and laid them bare.
They had brought forth the women of his desires…one light, one dark…one temptation, the other consummation- and they had taken pleasure in his pain as they played him back and forth…
They knew his heart and his mind and made him take – made her take…
Forcing them together…allowing him to watch his lover with another man while he was with Christine, and he had always known her desires, always knew what she wanted from him. He did not give it because he knew she could not handle it, and yet here they were, the two of them…and now there was no choice. No option…
He took…she took…and it hurt. Regret and sorrow welled in his soul, and when she spoke her desires…
I've always wanted you…but not like this…
Not like this…
Not like this…
He watched as his lover was forced to consummate with his best friend…
And anger…pure, unadulterated anger came to the surface…
And he was powerless...
Powerless to stop it.
Powerless to defend her against it…
His Nyota. With Kirk.
And he…with Christine…a woman he may have desired…a woman who he cared for…a woman he wanted to protect…but a woman he did not love…
He was in deep meditation back aboard the Enterprise.
Upon their return, the five of them had gone their separate ways. To each their own to contemplate…and recover…
He knew he had lost something that day…knew that he and Christine would never be the same…
For she had seen in him his true desire…knew that she was not the one…and he was aggrieved…for having her learn of Nyota in that way…
He sat meditating…the fires from the pot dancing in front of him, causing the red curtains in his room to glow and billow like a dream…it was dark…
He was barely aware of the alert of the visitor.
Did not move though he sensed her enter…He was still…his mind torn…
He felt soft, strong hands wrap around his neck.
He felt long legs, wrap around his waist, and a cascade of black hair fall across his neck.
He still did not move.
Neither did she.
They had not been this intimate in months. She did not belong to him-but to another. Yet she was here in his time of darkness. A comfort, warm and familiar- something he so desperately needed to cleave to. Though he could not tell her of his need for her, she seemed to sense it.
And they remained there. She- wrapped around him. Touching and yet not.
And silence.
It was as it had always been. She was the first to break it.
"You never spoke of Christine."
"It was not warranted."
"The Platonians tapped into desires- she is one of yours."
"I desired Christine…"
"And me."
He could not lie.
"And you."
"And yet, you chose me. Why?"
It was a simple request. One not made to appease her own ego, or of vainglorious feminine rivalry. She was above that. She sought to understand. To know. It was something that no matter how he tried to look at it, he could not see with Christine.
Two people-once lovers. Now friends and yet so much deeper still…
The truth…the truth…
The truth of the matter was that he loved her…
That word…
The word he could never say…
"We can't go back, Spock."
"I know this, Nyota."
"If you love her- go to her. I have M'Benga. He loves me. Give her the opportunity to love you."
"I do not understand-"
"I don't want to hear that. I know you feel. You can hide from everyone else. But you can't hide from me."
He turned to face her then, untangling her limbs from his until he was now facing her, both still seated.
He advanced quickly, not allowing her room to escape him…overcome with the desire to have her.
And he reached, pulling her down under him as he looked into the depths of those eyes that had stolen his soul and made him hers…the truth…
The real reason why he couldn't love Christine…
Because he loved Nyota…
The mere mention of Dr. M'Benga made his body burn with possessive jealousy, and her profession meant well but ate at the hole in her heart…
His voice was low, unmasked and seeped with his desires…
"You say he loves you. Do you love him as well?"
She matched him and they met. Two hearts…one soul…and he knew if he could break through…get through…
"Do you love me, Spock?"
It took him back. And he recoiled as if hit by phaser fire…her words…so true…so true… and he wanted to scream that yes! Yes he loved her…as un-Vulcan and human as it was to love he did …
But the words he could not say…
And so he released her…
Rising to his feet and again turning from her…
The truth…
He loved her…and that love wouldn't allow him to fully open to Christine.
Christine Chapel was not Nyota Uhura.
Unspoken. Un-acknowledged. But there nonetheless…
And then…a flicker…fleeting, soft touch…
Her hand on his…
Unspoken yet heard so clearly…
I love you, Spock…but I know when to say goodbye…
And like a whisper, she was gone again from him.
And though he maintained his Vulcan calm, he was only half of that- a creature of two worlds with Vulcan emotions and human control…
Both united by one force stronger than he…
Nyota…the woman he loved…