Itachi had never really thought of it that way.

Pregnant…

'With child' was a better way to put it. Pregnant…made him sound…weak…vulnerable…womanly…it annoyed him.

At the present moment he was taking out his annoyance on Kisame by throwing fire at him.

Though the image of Kisame running round with his cloak in fire nearly amused him slightly, he was still annoyed. Plus, he needed to read his pregnancy book he had bought, along with a home pregnancy test. Just in case.

He didn't want to read his book or pee on a stick, and his toy was getting boring. Pregnancy was beginning to depress him. Everything sucked.

There was something in him. Growing. It was strange…maybe he should confirm his departure from the masculine world and pee on the damn stick.

A wet bush and a tinkle later…

Yep, he was pregnant all right. Great…

This was what he wanted, but it was still annoying. Hell, life was annoying. Hell, Kisame was annoying.

As though hearing Itachi's trail of thought, Kisame turned from the river he had jumped in to put out his cloak and looked at Itachi with wide eyes. Itachi's eyes narrowed, and Kisame dived underwater.

Damn shark.

Itachi reached into his cloak and was just about to read the book on pregnancy, when he sensed something. He froze. Kisame rose from the water. Itachi sharinganed him back under.

…something strong was here. Something…familiar. Strangely familiar. Wrongly familiar.

Ah crap…

"Kukuku…so, Itachi, how has life been since our little encounter?"

Itachi glared at Orochimaru.

"Screw off."

Orochimaru smiled, and then glanced around. "Where's the bitch?" Itachi vaguely gestured behind him to the lake, and Orochimaru nodded, before frowning.

"I'm having trouble getting a new bitch…it's really very irritating that you killed my old one."

Was Orochimaru making small talk? About their bitches?

"What do you want?"

Orochimaru smirked. "You didn't hold up your part of the deal."

Itachi frowned. He had too. He had given him his brother, AND his cloak. He had been forced to sharingan a spare one.

Itachi told him he had held up his side of the deal, and to go die.

"Kukuku…is this any way to speak to the father of your baby?"

Once again, Itachi told Orochimaru to go die. And once again, Orochimaru cruelly kept breathing. Bastard.

"You did not hold up your end of the deal. I do not have Sasuke-kun."

Itachi shrugged. "Go get him."

"Oh, I did. Well, my minions did. They came back with news Sasuke had fled the village with demon boy under the pretence of going on a very long mission. So you see, you have not kept up your side of the story. You told me I could have your brother, yet he is not here."

Itachi shrugged. "Not my problem. Go find him."

Orochimaru smiled. "It is your problem. You will find him, bring him to me, alive, or I will kill you and your baby with my army of loyal underlings."

Itachi considered the proposition. Which wasn't much of a proposition. It was more of a threat. With a flick of his hand, he thrusted Kisame out of the water, panting and pale.

"You were saying you don't have a bitch. Are you willing to leave if I give you this?" He gestured Kisame around a bit.

"Look, we've gone through this. No. Why would I want him?"

Itachi looked at Kisame, and agreed with Orochimaru. Chucking Kisame into a tree, he turned and said, "How do you know I can't defeat your army?"

"You're pregnant. Pregnant people don't do fighting armies. Besides, it'll give you something to do. You always liked tormenting Sasuke."

Well, that was true. And he was getting rather bored sitting around doing various things to Kisame.

But still….doing something Orochimaru wanted him to…hey, Itachi was strong, he could do this.

"I'll fight your army and kill them all."

"I'll have them aiming for your stomach."

Itachi tried his only option left. "…you would kill your own child?"

"Yes." Damn. "Just go find your brother, and give him to me. Alive. It's not hard."

"Then you do it."

"No."

"And it is hard. He has an annoying habit of struggling. Plus, the blonde demons with him. Do you think he'll just stand back and let me take his master and give him to you?"

Orochimaru frowned at him. "Why do you always presume your brother is dominant?"

Itachi glared. "He's an Uchiha."

"I topped you."

"Shut up."

Itachi mused it all over. It would give him something to do…and he'd get to screw Sasuke's life up even more. Anyway, if he didn't then Orochimaru would kill his foetus, and Itachi didn't think Orochimaru would screw him again so he could create more spawn.

"…fine."

"Excellent. I'll give you…oh, let's say 8 months to find him." Convenient, eh?

"Whatever." Great. Even though he liked having something to do, he had just got managed to get of his Akatsuki work. It had taken him ages to get time off. What could he ask for? Maternity leave? Paternity leave?

Whatever.

Now, he had an overly hormonal queer weakling to find…

See? Plot! Kinda...

But never fear, I will not forget what is really important here...the crack.

So, review! For crack! Wohoo!