Lord Drake Misadventures 4 By: Vyce Dryke
*Black Draconis is fighting A Slaaneshi cult*
Lord Drake: What in the name of Khorne's Kitchen are they doing?
*Tlanextic squints*
Tlanextic: Ugh. It looks like a violent orgy my Lord.
Lord Drake: I can see that! Why are they glowing?
Tlanextic: They seemto be summoning... A Daemon?
Lord Drake: Well, lets stop them!
*The two rush to the circle, but it's too late! A Slaaneshi greator daemon appears, and the cultists summoning them die*
Tlanextic: We should go.
Lord Drake: Agreed.
*they both turn to run, and the daemon appears in front of them. It moves to attack, and raises it's arms.. and*
Daemon: You guys are absolutely.. Faaaaabulous!
*both stare*
Tlanextic: Say what?
Daemon: I'm Lickworship Foamloath. And your outfits are stuuuuuning!
Lord Drake: Stunning?
Tlanextic: I'm afraid that, not only did they summon a Keeper of Secrets, but they summoned a rather gay one.
Lord Drake: So.. shouldn't that be good?
Tlanextic: No. Not really. He's going to try to kill us any moment now.
Lord Drake: Sooo... Why isn't he now?
Tlanextic: He's.. What IS he doing now?
*They both look up from their conversation. Lickworship is busy putting make-up on one of the dead cultists*
Lickwoship: This absolutely will NOT do. If your going to be dead, at least be faaaabulous while doing so.
Tlanextic: That... Would be why.
Lord Drake: And what kind of name is Lickworship Foamloath?
Tlanextic: It's not it's real name.
Lord Drake: Oh?
Tlanextic: Yeah. Deamon names are often something like... *takes on a demonic voice* Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue *Lord Drake blinks*
Lord Drake: How the HELL did you say that?
Tlanextic: Trade secret. Can we go now?
Lickworship: Woow. That's like. My brother!
Lord Drake: Oi. Flaming AND a vally girl.
*Tlanextic starts to walk away, Lickworship appears in front of the sorceror*
Lickworship: Do you know what you need? A makeover!
Tlanextic: No.. No... Gods NO. TZEENTCH!
*Later*
Lickworship: Faaaaabulous!
*Tlanextic grumbles, now wearing a pink dress, with a pink princess tiara, and his face is coated in makeup, with his hair in a pony tail. Somehow*
Lord Drake: Wow. The princess look. That looks great on you.
Tlanextic: Shut. Up.
Lord Drake: Whatever you say Sorceror. Or should I say. Princess?
Tlanextic: You try my patience.
Lickworship: I have other things to do. Ta ta for now.
*Lickworship vanishes in a poof of glitter*
Tlanextic: Can I take this off now?
Rheumwight: Tlanextic. I didn't know you were a cross dresser.
Tlanextic: I will tear you limb from limb.
Rheumwight: Nooo!
*Rheumwight starts running, and Tlanextic chases. Lord Drake watches, highly amused.*
Lord Drake: Deep in enemy territory.
Tlanextic: I'm surprised they haven't found us yet.
Lord Drake: It must be my superior leadership skills.
Tlanextic: Leadership skills my space boots.
*Lord Drake walks into an invisible wall*
Lord Drake: What the?
Tlanextic: Eldar trickery my Lord. Observe.
*Tlanextic raises his staff, it glows, then suddenly stops*
Tlanextic: What in the hell.
*Tlanextic whacks the staff a few times, sighs, and opens it from the bottom*
Tlanextic: I knew I should have used energizer.
*Tlanextic hits the staff on the wall, and it glows again, and the wall appears into a square building. Lord Drake looks up at a sign over the front door*
Lord Drake: Khaine's waffle house. Open 24/7. Home of the war god's famous waffle recipe. What?
*Tlanextic sighs*
Tlanextic: This place gets weirder every day.
Lord Drake: Well. What are you waiting for? Let's go in.
*The two enter, several Eldar look up before returning to their meal. Tlanextic walks over to the counter, curiosly. Lord Drake finds a table*
Tlanextic: An Avatar?
*On the other side of the counter, there is an Avatar of Khaine making... waffles*
Avatar: I am Kaela Mensha Khaine.
Tlanextic: Is that a chef's hat?
Avatar: Yes. It is.
Tlanextic: How in the hell can you keep that on?
Avatar: Trade Secret.
Tlanextic: Damn.
Avatar: Go take a seat. Before I throw my sword at you.
*Tlanextic nods and backs away, and goes to find Lord Drake's table. Tlanextic sits down*
Tlanextic: There's an Avatar. With a chef hat. Cooking.
Lord Drake: I can see that.
*A familiar looking Eldar walks up to their table*
Eldar: Thank you for coming to Khaine's Waffle House. I'll be you server today. My name is Arafal-Oh no.
*At this point, the Eldar, with 'Arafalas' on his name tag, actually looked at who was at the table.
Arafalas: No no no.
Lord Drake: Hey... You look familiar.
Arafalas: No! You don't know me!
*Lord Drake smiles wickedly*
Lord Drake: Arafalas, we meet again.
Arafalas: For the last time. I hope.
Tlanextic: Small universe.
Arafalas: Unfortunately.
Tlanextic: I feel your pain. At least you don't travel with him all the time.
Arafalas: This is true.
Lord Drake: Stop your yapping. I want waffles.
*Arafalas sighs*
Arafalas: May I interest you in the bloody handed god special?
Lord Drake: Aren't they all technically bloody handed god specials? What's so special about them.
Arafalas: The price. And yes. Technically.
Lord Drake: I'll have that.. and.. some.. EVIL orange juice.
Arafalas: OJ, right.
Lord Drake: And an order of knocked up Eldar.
*Arafalas turns white*
Arafalas: Excuse me?
Lord Drake: Don't you know hun, I got you pregnant?
Arafalas: But.. that's.. impossible!
Lord Drake: Search your feelings. You know it to be true.
*Arafalas looks horrified*
Arafalas: I'll get you order in.
*Arafalas VERY quickly runs to the back room*
Tlanextic: Your horrible.
Lord Drake: What? I just want waffles.
Tlanextic: Uh-huh.
Lord Drake: Did you see how he ran?
*Tlanextic palmfaces. A bit later, Arafalas comes back with hot plates of.. waffles. Lord Drake peers at the waffles*
Lord Drake: Is that blood?
Arafalas: Strawberry syrup.
*Arafalas puts the plates down*
Lord Drake: No. There's blood there. Is it your time of the month?
*Arafalas gives Lord Drake a death glare*
Arafalas: If you MUST know, it's blood from Khaine's hand.
Lord Drake: So. It's -his- time of the month?
Arafalas: You never cease to disgust me.
Lord Drake: It's my goal in life.
*Arafalas sighs. Tlanextic, who just swallowed a peice of waffle, looks at his plate, and pushes it away*
Tlanextic: I think I just lost my appetite.
*Lord Drake looks to Arafalas*
Lord Drake: So baby. Want to go again?
*Arafalas looks pale and gulps*
Arafalas: No.
Lord Drake: But you were so good last time.. Did it ni-
Arafalas: Shut up, shut up. Shut up!
Lord Drake: But you enjoyed every min-
Arafalas: Stop talking!
Lord Drake: Every lit-
Arafalas: Nooooo!
*Arafalas chooses this time to run. Tlanextic shakes his head*
Tlanextic: Sometimes I wonder if you would have made a follower of Slaanesh.
Lord Drake: Don't be silly. I only say that jokingly.
Tlanextic: Can we go now?
Lord Drake: As soon as I finish with my waffles.
*Lord Drake and Co. go to meet the Slaneeshi Lord Corrack*
Noise Marine: Name, Legion, and patron god.
Lord Drake: I am Lord Drake of the Black Draconis Chaos Legion of Khorne. The same legion that broke the Necrons, raised havoc at least week's Fiesta, An-
Noise Marine: Yes yes. Impressive. I'll let him know your here for an audience. Please sit down and wait in this lobby.
Lord Drake: I wait for no-one!
*Tlanextic grabs Lord Drake and makes him sit down in a comfy chair. Tlanextic settles in a chair next to a woman. Tlanextic looks at her*
Femme: *In a VERY deep voice* Take a picture, it'll last longer.
*Tlanextic shudders and sits on the opposite side of Lord Drake. He gets poked by a Slaaneshi Cultist*
Tlanextic: What?
Cultist: Hey baby. Looking for a hot date?
*Tlanextic stares, the cultist stares back, lustily. He shudders, again, and stands up. Lord Drake, oblivious, arches an eyebrow at Tlanextic*
Lord Drake: What's your problem?
Tlanextic: I'd rather stand.
*The cultist, noting the Chaos Lord of the same colors is not paying attention at all, persists*
Cultist: Playing hard to get, huh babe?
*The Cultist stands up, and touches Tlanextic's back*
Tlanextic: Don't. Touch. Me.
Cultist: Aw. Come on hun, I can show you pleasure beyond your imagination... Just... Give in.. *The Cultist grabs Tlanextic's rear. Tlanextic, in a rage, annhilates the cultist into dust. The lobby goes quiet, everyone looks. Lord Corrack himself stares*
Lord Corrack: Well.
Tlanextic: Corrak! Apologies. I can ex-
Lord Corrack: Silence! I care not. That opens up my schedule immensely. Shall we go inside?
*Lord Drake stands, and pats his fellow Chaos Lord on the back*
Lord Drake: Corrak, it's been ages.
Lord Corrack: Indeed Lord Drake.
Lord Drake: I'd like to apologise for my Sorceror's strange.
*Lord Drake looks at Tlanextic*
Lord Drake: ...behaviour.
*Lord Corrack shrugs*
Lord Corrack: It's hard to adjust to the people here.
Lord Drake: Khorne's unholy breakfast cereal! It's the inquisition.
Farewyth: Because nobody expects the Imperial Inquisition.
Tlanextic: Ohh. I'm SO scared.
Farewyth: Our chief strengths are... are.. Uhm.. Damn. I don't remember.
Lord Drake: Tsk. Pathetic.
Farewyth: You.
Lord Corrack: I want to take you to a gay bar?
*The three stare at him*
Lord Corrack: What? It's a song.
Tlanextic: Why are you following us?
Lord Corrack: Why not?
Lord Drake: Tlanextic, quit your whining.
Farewyth: Hello! Inquisition?
Tlanextic: I'll whine all I want. I will NOT have a Slaaneshi Chaos Lord anywhere near me.
Lord Drake: What? Afraid he'll come onto you?
*Lord Corrack eyes Tlanextic*
Lord Corrack: I wouldn't hit that with a ten foot pole.
Lord Drake: See? Problem solved.
Lord Corrack: Besides. You need my insight.
Tlanextic: For what? The ten best ways to screw an Eldar?
Lord Corrack: I thought that was Lord Drake's department.
Lord Drake: Corrak. Be quiet. I've done nothing of the sort.
Lord Corrack: You sure?
Lord Drake: Very. I made that up. I think.
Farewyth: Holy cleansing? Killing Heretics?
Lord Corrack: You think?
Lord Drake: It's only to torture an Eldar I know.
Tlanextic: Shouldn't we worry about the Inquisitor guy?
Lord Corrack: Who?
Lord Drake: What?
*Both Lords look at Farewyth*
Farewyth: Hah! I am from th-
Lord Drake: He looks harmless.
Farewyth: I'm NOT harmless. OBSERVE. Heretic! *BLAM*
*Rhuemwight, somehow, appears in front of Lord Drake*
Rhuemwight: What am I do-
*Rhuemwight takes the bullet*
Rhuemwight: AHHH! MY SPLEEN! *explodes*
Farewyth: What?
Lord Drake: He always does that.
Lord Corrack: Explode? Or appear in front of you?
Lord Drake: Explode. Appear? That's a first.
Tlanextic: He makes a convenient meatshield.
Farewyth: None the less. HERETIC *BLAM*
Lord Drake: You say that like we care.
Lord Corrack: We're heretics and proud of it.
Farewyth: Why isn't it working!? HERETIC *BLAM!* HERETIC! *BLAM*
Lord Drake: Are you done yet?
Lord Corrack: That tickles. Please me more Inquisitor.
Farewyth: Heretic? *blam*
Tlanextic: Can we go now? I feel like we've wasted enough time.
*Lord Drake shrugs*
Lord Drake: I suppose.
Lord Corrack: Bye Mr. Inquisitor.
Farewyth: That's Farewyth!
Lord Corrack: Sure. Right. Whatever. Here's my card.
Farewyth: Lord Corrak. Lord of Slaanesh... owner of Bhanttlp... tppo... poak?
*Lord Drake and Lord Corrak go to leave. Tlanextic looks at the card*
Tlanextic: That's.. uhm.. Bhantlppoakwankwffdedug'gfolffuezhlq'owaoeue's pleasure emporeum.
*Farewyth flips the card over*
Farewyth: For a good time.. call Arafalas.
*Tlanextic cackles, and turns to leave*
Farewyth: Hey! Wait a minute! Come back! I want to shoot you!!
*Lord Drake and Tlanextic have made their way into an inactive Necron Monolith*
Lord Drake: Are you SURE they're not going to wake up?
*Tlanextic sighs, watching Lord Drake poking at a 'sleeping' Necron warrior*
Tlanextic: For the hundreth time my Lord. We're fine.
Lord Drake: So.. If I kick it. Nothing will happen?
Tlanextic: I wouldn't push you-
*Lord Drake kicks the Necron, Tlanextic winces, but nothing happens*
Tlanextic: Come on my Lord. Please stop wasting time. We need to find some sort of control room so we can find the artifact we're waiting for.
*Lord Drake glares at Tlanextic*
Lord Drake: I'm only following your suggestion because it's a good idea.
*They both turn away and start walking. Further along*
Tlanextic: Yes My Lord?
Lord Drake: What?
Tlanextic: You poked me.
Lord Drake: No you didn't.
Tlanextic: Then who did?
*They both turn around, for some reason, there's a 'sleeping' Necron standing upright at the wall. Lord Drake and Tlanextic exchange glances*
Tlanextic: Where'd he come from?
Lord Drake: He wasn't there a minute ago... Problably nothing.
*Tlanextic eyes the Necron*
Tlanextic: I don't know.
*They start walking again, the Necron 'wakes up' and snickers to himself while they wander off. They eventually make it to a large room. There are two VERY large buttons. One is labeled 'do not touch', and the other is labeled 'please touch', and there's a third, much smaller, green button. Lord Drake walks over*
Lord Drake: Please touch.. Don't touch.. don't see any more buttons.
Tlanextic: I think you should leave those alone.
Lord Drake: Nonsense. I should hit this 'please touch' button.
Tlanextic: Are you sure you want to push that button? They clearly WANT you to push it. While they REALLY don't want you to push the other one.
*Lord Drake considers this*
Lord Drake: Hm. You have a point there sorceror.
*Lord Drake presses the 'do not touch' button. A group of Necrons appear, and they surround Lord Drake and Tlanextic*
Lord Drake: Tlanextic!
Tlanextic: Hm. I appear to be wrong my Lord. Maybe you should hit the OTHER button. Although that might not be wise.
*Lord Drake eyes Tlanextic*
Lord Drake: Very well. But if your wrong.
*Lord Drake pushes the 'please touch' button. Sounds are heard as the Monolith powers up*
Tlanextic: Oh dear. I think they wanted us to press both of them.
Lord Drake: Necron trickery!
Tlanextic: There's a third button my Lord.
Lord Drake: I don't see i-Oh.
*Lord Drake pushes the button. The Necrons make whirring noises.. and their green lighting changes to purple*
Necron: What the.
Necron #2: Oh no. Not that but-
Necron: Your... Potatos... Mal..function.
Necron #3: Yes! Yes! Yes! Maybe! No? Yes! more! please! *explodes*
Lord Drake: I... think it's time to go.
*Tlanextic simply nods, and the both of them bump into a Necron Lord*
Necron Lord: You have... happied... us from the... wonderful... Void Dragon.
Tlanextic: would you just let us go?
Necron Lord: No.. You... must.. Fiesta.
*Tlanextic sighs*
Tlanextic: Not again.
Lord Drake: Didn't we have one of those last week?
*Tlanextic shakes his head*
Tlanextic: Look! An eagle?
Necron Lord: Eagle?
*All the Necrons look away. Lord Drake and Tlanextic run like hell. A Pariah notices*
Pariah: My Lord! The living have--Have--have--have-The living are escaping.
*Suddenly, the Monolith lights up with spotlights, glowsticks, and other various things. The Necrons drops their weapons, and start.. start*
Tlanextic: Raving?
*They both stop to look*
Tlanextic: This universe is becoming less sane by the minute.
Lord Drake: Wow. We broke them good.
Tlanextic: Why in the world would they have that button?
Lord Drake: Failsafe?
Tlanextic: I'd like to meet this Void Dragon one of these days, and then ask him why the HELL would he do that.
Lord Drake: Less talking. More running.