Previously on Royal Survivor…
Daisy gets sent into a mental spiral…
"I was there, and now he's there, and he caught me-" Daisy broke into hysterical crying.
Daisy started crying, and kneeled down. "It's… i-it's always the Outcasts…"
…and the other tribes celebrate.
Rosalina: Seeing Daisy start crying in defeat made me want to start crying, too. They were tears of joy, of course.
Mario: This kind of thing really makes you think. Like thinking of how we're going to drive the Fire tribe into oblivion! Woo-hoo!
The Hero tribe plots its revenge.
"So, DK, we were thinking of a way to get the advantage back in this game." Mario said.
"I'm listening." DK said.
"Anyway," Wario said, "from the info you provided us, we think that the Outcast and Fire tribes are on the verge of destroying each other. All they need is someone to blame."
And Rosalina buys over half of the auction.
"A bed for each tribe member. They're basic. They have a pillow, thin mattress, and a comforter. Fifteen coins."
Rosalina: Ha-ha! We got this in the bag! Ahh, fresh pillows…
Wario: Come on, man. Fifteen coins? I barely had that to start!
Waluigi: Rosalina easily got the beds with about nine coins to spare. Coupled with what Daisy was murmuring about the Outcast tribe, I'm starting to despise them.
Who will be the next Royal Survivor?
Hero, Sunday
Everyone was asleep.
Wario sniffled. Peach sneezed and rolled back over, asleep.
Wario: So I'm sleeping, right? And I have this dream that Mario and I were building a shelter out of gold ingots, when he turns into a giant brownie and is chasing me around and turning all of the palm trees into chocolate. I ran into a giant marble statue of Peach and then I woke up.
Peach: This wonderful smell woke me up… ohhhhh… I can't even begin to describe it…
The Hero tribe walks outside and finds a cardboard box.
"Heh, heh." Wario chuckled. "Courtesy of yours truly, we now have a desert that we can eat all this week!"
Wario opened the box and a blast of hot air and good smells whooshed out.
Mario: When Wario opened the box, it was like a chocolate nuclear explosion.
Inside lay five trays of brownies. Wario lifted up a tray. "Today, we feast!"
The Hero tribe cheered. Wario lifted the plastic wrap off of the tray he held up, and cut six pieces, each one about a ninth of the pan. Bowser got two.
Everyone began to chow down.
Peach's lips were covered in chocolate. "Mmm… these are dee-lish!"
DK swallowed. "I'll have to admit, Peach, you're the only princess I know who eats brownies like a wild animal."
"Hey!" Peach said, smiling. "Can't I be myself out here?"
"Yeah," Mario said. "We're only on national television."
Bowser growled what might have been a laugh. "I wonder what Toadsworth has to say about messy princesses."
"Like I give a _" Peach said, making a point by taking a huge bite.
Peach: I hope they didn't show that on camera, but knowing that they probably did, I formally apologize. There. I said it.
Outcast, Sunday
Ed walked outside, yawning. He walked past Rosalina, who was sitting on a huge, wooden box.
"Mornin'" Ed said.
"You, too." Rosalina said.
Ed stopped in his tracks, pivoted, and pointed at the box. "Woah."
Yoshi came out, rubbing his eyes, ran into the box, fell over, got up, and said, "Mornin'"
"You, too." Rosalina said.
Yoshi then stopped in his tracks, pivoted, and pointed at the box. "Double woah."
Birdo walked outside, dreary, and climbed on top of the box. "Mornin'"
"You, too." Rosalina said, smiling.
Birdo, in an attempt to look at the box, falls off.
"Let me stop you before you get to 'triple woah.'" Rosalina said. She kicked the side of the box down, to reveal a bunch of parts and whatnot and some instructions. "Ed, you're helping me. Everyone else, clean up. Make this place look, I dunno, pretty. Take torches and burn the weeds, after uprooting them and putting them in a pile near the ocean. Birdo, let me know how they're doing every so often. Inform me immediately if something goes wrong. I'll let you know when you can come back."
"Why aren't we hunting today?" Yoshi asked as the rest of the tribe gathered around.
Rosalina smiled and stacked five bags of rice next to her. "Obvious reasons. Yoshi, if you want fresh meat, go ahead and bring home the kill. But you'll have to clean it and do all of the nasty work."
Yoshi: The main reason I'm a hunter is because I don't like, uh, 'field dressing the kill.' Even though we have rice rations, there's no substitute for good, hard protein.
"Everyone get to work. We have another long day." Rosalina said.
Fire, Sunday
Waluigi unwrapped the pair of binoculars as he told the story of the auction. He finished and presented the binoculars to Diddy Kong.
"So let me get this straight." Luigi was furious. "You got us a _ing pair of binoculars?"
"I would've gotten some office supplies, too, if Rosalina hadn't bid the max amount!" Waluigi said in his defense.
Waluigi: I have the feeling that that was exactly the wrong thing to say.
"_ing office supplies?" Luigi looked too frustrated to continue. He stormed off, cussing and muttering.
Luigi: We could've had brownies or rice rations or beds! But we're stuck with some cheap binoculars!
Bowser Jr: I honestly thought that Waluigi could've done better than that. I mean, he has the most experience with money of any of us, but instead he brings back one item and seven ancient coins.
Toadette: I'm not saying I'm upset. I'M SAYING I'M TOTALLY ING FUMING!
Waluigi took one look at his tribemates and hoped to God that the Fire tribe wouldn't go to elimination this week.
Outcast, Sunday
Rosalina and Ed finished their project and gathered the Outcast tribe to their shelter. They led everyone inside.
Inside were six identical beds, all very basic but very soft.
"As you have probably already noticed, we have beds!" Rosalina yelled.
Everyone in the Outcast tribe cheered. They all went over to feel their beds and lay on them, savoring their sheets.
Funky Kong: the beds might not be much, but hey, our previous ones were barely beds! This is awesome.
Ed: Ahh, clean sheets.
"However," Rosalina began, "These beds mean we have to undergo special responsibilities. Each week I need one volunteer to boil water that another one could use to wash sheets, and I still need one more to hang them out to dry and still another to put them all back on the beds. This all needs to be done in the course of a sunny day. Any takers for this week?"
Birdo, Ed, Funky Kong, and Bro Mamma all raised their hands.
Birdo: Being a housewife, I know all of this stuff. I live on Yoshi's farm, so I had to do all of this myself in a day.
"Funky, you'll boil the water."
Funky Kong: I had a feeling that she'd tell me to do that, because it's the easiest job. Which, don't get me wrong, is fine by me.
"Ed, you'll wash the sheets. Bro Mamma, you'll hang them out to dry. Birdo, you'll put them back on the beds. Any questions?"
"Yes." Yoshi said. "What'll you be doing?"
Rosalina's eyes flared with a quick flame, but then she smiled again. "I'll be field dressing the kill you bring home. Don't you remember?"
Rosalina: I resent anyone who would even begin to even think that I'm lazy. Watch out. I tend to vote for people who offend me.
Hero, Sunday
"Tree mail!"
Everyone gathered around the coconut tree. DK got the message and began to read it.
"Splash, drop, sloop, pow!
"Pool, Olympics, ocean, lake.
"Dolphin, Olympian, fish, sharks.
"Finish, first, get, coins."
Everyone was silent for a minute.
"Oh, I get it! We're being pulled across an Olympic pool by dolphins!" Mario exclaimed.
Everyone looked at Mario funny.
Mario: I'll admit, that was a bit random.
"So…" Peach asked. "Who here is a strong swimmer?"
Nobody raised their hands.
"Well then… DK, it's your turn. You haven't gone yet."
"What?" DK yelled. "Neither did Bowser!"
"Do I look like I'm built for swimming?" Bowser said.
"He's got a point there." Wario said.
"Shut up." Bowser growled.
"Why don'cha make me?" Wario said, getting in front of Bowser.
"If I were you," Peach whispered to DK, "I would get out of here before things get kinda ugly…"
DK took the hint and raced off.
Fire, Sunday
"I'll take this one." Diddy said.
Outcast, Sunday
"Funky, you're up." Rosalina said.
"Awwww… really?" Funky Kong groaned.
"You'd better come in first." Rosalina grumbled.
Funky Kong walked off.
Coin Challenge
The three competitors walked up to the beach and up to a line. The waves looked a little choppier than usual. About fifty feet away, there was a ladder that led up to a platform and a bell. Jeff was waiting for the contestants at the beach.
"Well, hello. It seems that all three of the tribes picked their monkeys." Jeff said.
"Apes." DK corrected.
"Apes." Jeff said. "Anyway, you are to swim to the platform and ring the bell. Simple enough?"
Everyone nodded.
Jeff smiled. "That's why I made it a little more complex. You see, every time a person catches on a tripwire that's barely visible, he'll set off a depth charge that makes quite a wave. It's nearly impossible to avoid these, so you'd better just learn to deal with the waves. There are two wires, one every sixteen or so feet. There isn't one before you get on the platform. Winner gets five Ancient Coins, second gets two, and third gets none. Clear?"
Everyone nodded.
"Well, then, my monkey-an friends…"
"Ape-ian." DK muttered under his breath.
DK: I hate it when people confuse the Apes with the Monkeys. Don't confuse Diddy as being a monkey, either.
"…GO!"
The three apes dove into the water and began swimming while Jeff rode on a jet ski, following them. Funky Kong gained an early lead.
Funky Kong: I surf. I'm not only used to getting tossed around by waves, but I also can swim harder than anyone else here.
The first wave set off.
Diddy Kong: So this huge wave crashes on top of me! It took me at least thirty seconds to get swimming again.
Funky Kong dove into the wave and swum right through it. DK wasn't faring much better than Diddy.
"And Funky Kong is the first to make it to the finish!" Jeff yelled as Funky Kong rang the bell.
Funky Kong: Boo-ya!
Diddy Kong: It's kind of ironic that we lost to the laziest player in the game. It's not something that would help your reputation.
"DK is the second monkey to get to the finish!"
"APE…" DK growled, furious.
A huge wave capsized Jeff's jet ski.
DK: I didn't know I had psychic abilities! Wow.
Funky Kong: Jeff kinda deserved it after calling us all 'monkeys.' I mean, who does that?
The two bags of coins were lying on the platform, so Funky Kong and DK both took theirs. Diddy Kong walked, dejected, back to camp.
Hero, Sunday
DK brought back two coins.
"Let me guess…" Wario said. "Third place?"
"Actually, I got second. Diddy got nothing."
"Who could beat our strongest swimmer?" Mario asked.
"Funky." DK said.
The team was flabbergasted.
Peach: Funky Kong. Are you ing serious?
Bowser: To be beat miserably by the Outcast team's weakest link is just embarrassing.
Mario put his head in his hands. "We are dead."
Outcast, Sunday
Funky Kong showed off his five coins. Nobody made a big deal out of them until he said he'd won first place.
"Say what?" Rosalina asked.
"Is this some kind of joke?" Birdo asked.
Funky Kong: We have some major trust issues in the Outcast tribe.
Soon everyone is the tribe was laughing so hard they were crying.
"Hey!" Funky Kong said. "This isn't a joke!"
"We… we know!" Rosalina was doubled over. "It's… it's just that… the other tribes lost…" Rosalina burst into a fit of laughter. "Lost… to you!"
Funky Kong: That's just an insult. I really need to show I can work hard. Now, how to go about doing that…
Funky Kong started pulling up random plants and tossing them into the fire. He soon calmed down and went to get some real firewood.
To his great surprise and shock, everyone was passed out when he returned.
Funky dropped his logs. "Holy _."
Fire, Sunday
Diddy came back and showed his empty hands. The tribe groaned.
Diddy Kong: I didn't even want to tell them who beat me. but of course, I had to do it anyway.
Daisy: We. Lost. To. Funky. Kong. What the ?
Everyone continued halfhearted work. Diddy didn't want to be around everybody, so he went to spy on the Hero tribe.
Daisy asserted order. She started bossing people around and forcing them to work harder, and most of the time wasn't too friendly about it.
Daisy walked over to Toadette, who was gathering flora to use for food. She didn't have very much.
"Do you know how far behind we are right now?" Daisy asked with false politeness.
"Uh…" Toadette answered.
"Fifty times as far behind!" Daisy hissed at Toadette, who cringed. "Now get your rear in gear, and find stuff we can actually eat with!"
Toadette: Daisy needs to go.
Hero, Sunday
It was dark when DK silently stalked over to the Fire tribe's camp. He left a single message:
Funky Kong is responsible
Fire, Sunday
Luigi picked up a piece of paper on the ground. The words, 'Funky Kong' were spelled rather sloppily on the parchment that looked like it was from a book. The message on it was scrawled with a sweet-smelling liquid that looked like blood, probably berry paste.
"Funky Kong is responsible." Luigi said.
Luigi didn't get it for a moment. Then a mix between horror and delight flashed across his face.
"Hey, guys…" Luigi called. "Look what I found…"
Everyone was unsure how to react to the utter mystery in Luigi's voice. They slowly walked over. Daisy read the note, and a mix of horror and realization crossed her face.
Bowser Jr: The look on Daisy's face when she read the note was just pure evil! I should know, I've had experience with that sort of thing.
Daisy: By the time we're through with them, 'Outcast' will be a swear word.
Outcast, Monday
Everybody woke up, perfectly fine, though they couldn't shake the fact that something strange had happened.
It was dark out, and it looked like a light drizzle had dampened their clothes.
Yoshi: The last thing I remember was laughing so hard, my guts hurt. They still hurt. Then I remember getting really sleepy…
Rosalina walked into the shelter and found Funky Kong asleep. She shook him.
"Just five more minutes, mommy…" Funky Kong muttered.
The rest of the tribe giggled. Rosalina flashed them an irritated glance and snapped her fingers. Funky Kong sat bolt upright.
"YEOUCH!" He yelled. Then he saw the rest of the tribe. "Oh, it's just you." Funky Kong rolled over to go back to sleep, but Rosalina snapped her fingers again and Funky Kong flinched.
"Okay, what do you want?" Funky Kong rubbed his eyes.
"Why were we asleep?" Rosalina asked impatiently.
"Well, maybe because you were tired."
"It was day then."
"And it's night now, so if you don't mind…"
"What were you doing before we passed out?"
"Putting random stuff into the fire. Like weeds and stuff."
"Weeds?" Rosalina looked confused. Then a smile covered her face. "You idiot! Why didn't I think of that before?" Rosalina rushed outside.
"Uh, didn't see that coming…" Ed said.
Rosalina was found outside holding an ivy that seemed to cover every tree around the camp. She was giggling like a maniac.
Rosalina: Turns out this type of root, when burned, produces a sweet-smelling smoke that knocks you out for twelve hours.
"This root will serve as our security system. No more night shifts. That is, if Yoshi still has his lighter."
"It's right inside!" Yoshi said, excited.
Yoshi went inside and got his lighter, which he then rushed over and handed to Rosalina.
"This root knocks out whoever is within twenty feet of it, when burned. The radius of our camp is about forty feet, so we'll need to cover some major ground today. What we'll do is hook up some string to Yoshi's lighter. Then we partially cover the lighter with ivy roots. The tripwire will light the lighter, which sets the roots burning, and knocks out the intruders. We'll disarm it again every morning."
At first the tribemates were in utter awe. Then they started cheering.
Yoshi: Everyone's hooked on the security-system idea.
Rosalina: Watch out, Fire and Hero tribes, if you even try to invade us, we'll capture you and hold whoever dared to enter our territory for ransom. The Outcast tribe is the greatest power of all!
Fire, Monday
"Let's talk strategy." Luigi whispered.
The Fire tribe was gathered in its shelter, discussing how to attack the Outcast tribe. Luigi led the meeting, which Bowser Jr. wasn't so happy about.
Bowser Jr: Luigi is an okay leader, y'know, but he's kinda melodramatic. I mean, so what if something happened to Daisy, we should move on. I mean, we're kind of a weak tribe to start with, we should shore up our own defenses before we mount an attack, 'cause the Outcast tribe has more than one trick up their sleeve, I think.
Toadette: Luigi's insane, trying to mount an attack this early in the game. It's the Outcast tribe, idiot, try to live and let live.
Daisy: I won't be satisfied until the Outcast tribe's torch is burned a thousand times. If Funky Kong really did this, he will burn!
"We need to do this quietly. At dawn." Luigi said.
"Why not now?" Toadette asked, bored.
"They'll cream us now." Bowser Jr. answered. "And if I were Rosalina, I'd keep watches during the night. But they should be kinda drowsy at dawn."
"That's when we strike." Luigi said confidently. "We do it tomorrow. I need everyone to gather materials for weapons. Bowser Jr, bring your dagger. We shouldn't need to have bloodshed, but we might need to saw some rope. Daisy, Bowser Jr, and I will lead the attack, the rest of you, stay and guard the torch."
Hero, Monday
It was dawn. Everyone sleepily got out of the shelter. Wario started making a new fire from the firewood, and DK got out the meat to be cooked. Peach started eating another brownie.
Mario looked concerned. "We need you to have energy, Peach. A brownie every day for dessert may be nice, but you need some actual nutrition."
"What? Are you saying I look fat?" Peach asked with her mouth full.
Wario burst out laughing.
Wario: Typical of a girl to think a guy insulted her weight. But if you eat all the brownies, Peach, that's where you're headed.
"No…" Mario said patiently, "but we need you to have the energy to do the work."
Peach: Screw you, Mario. This may be the only chance I get out here to eat a homemade treat, and you don't have to spoil it for me.
Mario: I have a feeling Peach is going to be very sick today.
DK swung in from the trees. "They took the bait."
Peach said something, but the words were garbled because her mouth was full.
"Care to repeat that?" DK asked, amused.
DK: I had to suppress my laughter. Meeting a princess is one thing, but living out in the wilderness with her is something completely different, especially if there's brownies involved. Wario's laughing, Bowser's grinning (which doesn't happen a lot), and Mario's trying to stop Peach from overeating and getting really sick, which there is a 100% chance she will. The Hero tribe is turning into a giant sitcom.
"The entire Fire tribe is murmuring to themselves. I think they'll launch an attack today, tomorrow at the latest." DK continued.
"That means it's time to make an alliance with the most powerful tribe." Bowser said.
"Yeah… how do I do that again?" DK asked.
"Just walk up to them and schedule a meeting. Rosalina is fond of organization, I think," Bowser said.
"But what do we have to offer?" Mario asked.
"Meat." Wario said.
Wario: We have the best hunters of any tribe. I think offering tribute to the most powerful tribe is the best choice.
"What else?" Mario asked.
"More meat." Wario said, holding up a spiny shell.
"And?"
"Hmm…" Wario rubbed his chin. "Meat."
"Meat it is, then." Bowser said.
"What about the brownie trays?" DK suggested.
Peach almost choked. "What?"
"Trust me, when you're done eating those, you'll agree."
Peach looked at her stomach. "Well… we still haven't found out the secret advantage that Ben told us about."
"Yeah, we have." Wario said.
"Huh?"
"All of the excess meat."
"Stop saying meat. You're making me sick." Peach put down her brownie.
"Meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat, meat!" Wario taunted.
Peach walked off, looking green and holding her stomach.
"Do you feel the need to do that?" Mario asked.
"She'll feel better after she pukes, trust me." Wario said.
"It'll be a good self-control lesson." Bowser added.
DK started laughing. When everyone started looking at him, he said, "Sorry, this is all very funny to me."
"Just make the treaty." Mario said, heading after Peach. "And make sure not to give away too much!"
Outcast, Monday
Rosalina was field dressing the kill, wrapping the meat in paper, and setting it to soak in a pot of blood. Ed, Bro Mamma, and Birdo were making the security system while Funky Kong played his guitar for them and Yoshi was out hunting.
There was some rustling in the trees.
"Everybody, drop what you're doing!" Rosalina yelled.
Everybody dropped the materials they were working with.
Birdo: It was a smart move. If anyone saw what we were working with, they could figure out how to disarm our trap.
Turns out it was only DK.
"Hello." DK said. Rosalina, in a split second, had a spear at his neck.
"To whom do I owe the honor?" Rosalina asked through gritted teeth.
"Donkey Kong of Nottingham. Get that thing out of my face." DK pushed the spear away. "I just want to talk."
"About what?" Rosalina asked. "As if I was really interested."
"I just want to make peace with the Outcast tribe. We share a common enemy."
"Including each other." Rosalina added.
"Granted, but with an alliance with the stronger tribe would lessen the chances of your torch being stolen."
"As if that could really happen. And last time I checked, you were the tribe that has five players."
"The Fire tribe is crippled by poor leadership. We offer you meat for a week. Any week. It doesn't have to be now. We have enough game to hunt for two tribes, if we step it up."
"And if you don't 'step it up?'"
"Then we sacrifice our tribal torch."
"A win-win offer. What do you want?"
"Not to be attacked."
"Deal, then." DK and Rosalina shook hands. "We are officially allies. Now go away. I have some civil matters to attend to."
DK sprinted off to his own tribe.
Hero, Monday
DK came sprinting back to camp.
"How'd it go?" Wario asked.
"Any time they need it, we have to hunt for them for a week."
"Wow. Okay," Wario said.
Wario: I'm not really happy with hunting for two tribes for a week, but it's a small price to pay for not having your torch burned. We're already a person behind, so we have to make alliances with the right people.
Mario led a very nauseated Peach into the shelter to lie down.
"I-" Wario began, but Mario interrupted him.
"Let me ask you a hypothetical question. If today was your last day on Earth, what would you do different?" Mario got in Wario's face. "Especially if by doing something different, today might not be your last day on Earth."
Mario walked off and began cleaning the game Wario caught.
"Um… point taken." Wario said.
"You know, I don't think that question was very hypothetical at all." Bowser said, chuckling.
"Whatever. I was getting bored tormenting her, anyway." Wario scoffed.
"You say that, but you don't mean it." DK said.
"Shut up. What do you know?" Wario muttered.
"Getting back on topic, I saw the Outcast tribe working on something important." DK said.
"Really? Like what?" Mario asked.
"Like something so important that they dropped everything when they saw me." DK said.
"If it really is that important, I hope the Fire tribe succeeds in their attack, if they do attack." Bowser said. "But I really think that the Outcast tribe is shoring up its defenses."
"That and they all seemed kind of… what's the word… eager? Like maybe they hope someone will attack." DK said.
"Then we'd better not." Mario smiled. "Not that we would anyway. But we'd better still get ready to attack the Fire tribe. So, Bowser the wise one, what do you think we should do?"
"I appreciate the compliment. Your plan seems fine to me. But if Outcast launches a counterattack, we won't be able to get anything of value. DK, let's establish communications with the Outcast tribe, tomorrow at the earliest." Bowser said. "If we're going to make an alliance with the strongest tribe, we need to make sure it's firm."
"Good idea." Mario said. "As for today, Wario, make sure Peach doesn't…" Mario made a motion with his hands.
"Puke?" Wario asked.
"…In our shelter. If you can't resist, take a walk in the woods, or something."
"Gotcha. The woods it is." Wario smiled and walked off.
Outcast, Monday
Everybody looked at the finished security system.
"Let's not get cocky." Rosalina said. "Birdo, you're taking the first two-hour watch, I'll take the rest. I think the Fire tribe will attack first, but I don't know when, so we need to make sure this works."
The tribe murmured agreement.
Yoshi: I'm really nervous. What if it doesn't work? I'm pretty sure that the rest of the tribe feels the same way.
It was dusk, so the tribe went in and got in bed. Rosalina set the trap and followed.
Fire, Tuesday
Luigi woke everyone up. This was it.
Luigi, after receiving directions from Diddy, led the expedition along with Bowser Jr. and Daisy.
Bowser Jr: I'm really anxious. Everything could go wrong on this mission. But I don't want to show weakness in front of my tribe, so I'm going on the offensive.
The tribemates sneaked in and saw the clay shelter in the distance. Luigi led the brigade.
Bowser Jr: What really bugs me about Luigi is that he's so overconfident and self-absorbed, and won't listen to anyone who tells him he's not capable of pulling anything off. He wasn't even the least bit careful. What'd you think, Rosalina would just hand you her torch?
Luigi tripped over something, and continued.
Bowser Jr. gasped. "Was that a… tripwire?"
Luigi opened his mouth to speak, then hit the ground with a thud.
Outcast, Tuesday
Rosalina yawned and went outside. She saw Luigi, Bowser Jr, and Daisy lying on the ground, asleep. "It… works." She rushed inside and woke everyone up.
"Man, you ever hear of beauty sleep?" Funky Kong complained.
"IT WORKS! IT WORKS! EVERYBODY, UP! IT WORKS!" Rosalina yelled.
The tribemates yawned, rubbed their eyes, and went outside. Everyone gasped. Bro Mamma went to check their pulses.
Soon, everyone was cheering. "It works! It works!"
"Hold it!" Rosalina yelled, and the celebration stopped. "We need to launch a counterattack. Ed, how's it going on those smoke grenades?"
"I could have one in twenty minutes." Ed said, smiling.
"Funky, how's your throwing arm?"
"Eager to steal a tribal torch." Funky Kong flashed a mischievous smile.
"Good. Bro Mamma, you're in this, too. Birdo and Yoshi, help Ed make a grenade. We only need one, but make another in case we miss. The Fire tribe, or, what's left of them, won't know what hit them. Time to start a war."
The tribe cheered and got to work.
Fire, Tuesday
Diddy Kong: I was getting really worried that Luigi and the others had been captured. I was working on the shelter when I hear this thud. I turn around and see this burning rock thingy, but then I got really sleepy.
Later…
Waluigi: I was out collecting edible flora when I saw that we had Tree Mail. I mean, two letters.
Waluigi took down a letter that had pink stationary. He read the message aloud. "You should be glad that's all we took. What the heck?"
Waluigi realized what had happened and saw all of his tribemates passed out on the ground. He raced inside the shelter and saw that all of Fire's Ancient Coins and their Tribal Torch were gone.
Waluigi sat down and put his head in his hands. "We worked so hard for those… Thanks a lot, Luigi, YOU HAPPY NOW?"
Waluigi slumped over to the coconut tree and read the other message.
"A lap around the island,
"A lap around the tree.
"A lap around the ocean,
"To get some coins for free."
Waluigi looked at his tribemates, who were sleeping, and decided he'd better do this one himself.
Hero, Tuesday
Peach groggily got out of the shelter. "If anyone even mentions brownies, I'm going to barf."
Wario opened his mouth to speak, but Mario flashed him the evil eye. Bowser got up and yawned next to DK, who turned around and yelped.
DK: I was stretching when I turned around and saw nothing but teeth. Bowser's yawn is almost as scary as his roar.
Mario pointed out that they all had really slept in.
"It's kinda easy to do when you don't have an alarm clock." Peach said.
"A.k.a. Toadsworth." Wario said.
"Hey look, Tree Mail." Mario yelled to DK, who muttered something about always doing the hard work and went to get it.
Once the message had been read, Peach volunteered. "I love to run. I get a lot of practice-"
"-running away from Toadsworth." Wario interrupted.
"Will you shut up?" Peach yelled.
"If you've known Wario as long as I have, you'd know that that's not physically possible." Mario said.
"Will you shut up?" Wario yelled.
"If you've known Mario as long as I have, you'd know that that's not physically possible." Peach said.
There was a pause, then everyone burst out laughing. Peach said she'd take this challenge and walked off.
Outcast, Tuesday
Everyone was laughing, patting each other on the back, and giving each other high-fives. Rosalina said that the celebration would be held tonight.
Funky Kong got the Tree Mail and read it aloud. Rosalina said she'd take this one.
"As always…" Yoshi murmured.
Yoshi: Rosalina's helpful to the point of annoyance. I'd like to prove myself for once, thank you.
Coin Challenge
The contestants Waluigi, Rosalina, and Peach walked up to the checkered starting line on the beach. Not too far away was a small island. Ben was waiting for them.
"Me again. Jeff got flipped over in the last Coin Challenge and got a real nasty lung infection, so I'll be your host for today and tomorrow, maybe even Thursday. But back to the Coin Challenge.
"This is a race. You each have three flags that are your tribe's color. Yellow for Hero, orange for Fire, and green for Outcast. You will run up to the tree over there and plug your flag in the correct spot. Then you will swim to that island and plug your flag in the tree on it. Finally, you will come back here and plug your last flag into the tree right by where you're standing. Winner gets ten Ancient Coins, second five, loser one. Questions? No? Then GO!"
Rosalina and Peach were out to and early lead. Waluigi saved his energy, pacing himself.
"Peach seems to be wearing out!" Ben yelled.
"I know! You don't have to rub it in!" Peach yelled, panting.
Rosalina effortlessly glided across the ground.
Rosalina: I have yet to be challenged in this game.
Peach: I seriously shouldn't have pushed myself that hard in the beginning. It didn't help that Waluigi soon passed me up.
Waluigi, still pacing himself, passed up the winded Peach. Rosalina plugs in her first flag and dived into the water. Waluigi plugged in his first flag and followed.
Peach slowly gained her speed back, plugging in her first flag and diving into the water. She slowly gained a lead over Waluigi.
However, Peach seemed to have pushed herself too hard again, and falls back. Meanwhile, Rosalina was hopelessly far ahead. She plugged in her second flag and was heading to the finish.
Peach struggled to gain a lead over Waluigi.
Waluigi: Peach was in front of me, then behind me, then in front of me, then behind me… I think she was having a hard time making up her mind.
Waluigi is the second to plug in his second flag while Peach follows close behind.
Peach: This wasn't a good challenge for me to be in.
Rosalina plugs in her third flag. Waluigi plugs his in next, and Peach plugs hers in last.
"Congrats, Rosalina, you've won first place. Waluigi, Peach, I'll see you at the Advantage Challenge."
The competitors picked up their Ancient Coin bags and walked back to their camps.
Fire, Tuesday
Everyone was still asleep when Waluigi got back. He got out the Sorry game and played all four characters by himself while he watched them.
Later…
Luigi stirred. He sat up and rubbed his head.
"Welcome back, sleeping beauty." Waluigi said. "I hope you're happy."
"H…How'd it go?" Luigi asked groggily.
"Well, you could safely say your little expedition was a complete failure!" Waluigi yelled. "Not only is our Tribal Torch gone, all of our Ancient Coins are, too!"
The rest of the sleeping campers started to get up and wipe the drool from their faces.
"No way…" Daisy said. "We… lost?"
"Gee, you think?" Waluigi asked sarcastically.
"Way to go, genius." Toadette sneered. "You got us sent to Tribal Council."
"Hey, we can still win if we steal someone else's torch!"
"I'm not ready to try doing that again." Bowser Jr. said.
"Well… if we do go to elimination, I don't think I should go home because I'm leading this tribe." Luigi said.
Bowser Jr: AM I REALLY HEARING THIS?
"You're the reason we're in this mess, you Italian meatball." Toadette said.
"Well, compared to you, I'm a hero! You just sit around cooking rice all day!"
"Oh, please. Did cooking great rice ever get us sent to Tribal?" Toadette asked.
"Well, uh…"
"Don't bother. Chances are you were just going to say something stupid," Toadette said.
"Well, uh…"
"And think about this: Whose bright idea was it to invade the Outcast tribe?" Toadette asked.
"Well, uh…"
"And who wasn't careful enough to, I dunno, look for traps?" Toadette yelled.
"Well, uh…"
"And who was it who is constantly careless and overconfident? Well, I got news for you, buddyboy, it wasn't me. And it wasn't Waluigi. And it wasn't Bowser Jr. And it wasn't Diddy. And it wasn't Daisy. Now, who does that narrow it down to, hmm, let me guess-"
"QUIET!" Diddy yelled. "What happened to the strong team that we were at the beginning? The team that made merry and didn't care about one another's flaws? The team that thought they could persevere anything?"
"Yeah, keyword there, Diddy, is thought." Toadette said. "And it's that overconfidence that got us here in the first place."
"So what? Are we constantly going to walk around thinking that we're going to lose every challenge? I don't know about you, but I don't think that attitude's going to get us anywhere." Diddy said, seething.
Bowser Jr, Waluigi, and Daisy watched the threesome argue for a while more.
Daisy: I've never seen Diddy act up like this before. He's usually so quiet…
Waluigi: In my opinion, Luigi's irresponsible leadership is what got us here in the first place. Bowser Jr's too shy to take the stand on his own. It needs to be clear first.
Bowser Jr: We're screwed at the Advantage Challenge if we don't start pulling together.
Outcast, Tuesday
Rosalina came back, holding her sack of coins, but immediately started making the stage for tonight's celebration. Birdo and Yoshi were building a table while Ed and Bro Mamma were building chairs. Rosalina started making a stage and Funky Kong started making the firepit.
Rosalina: The sun was pretty high in the sky, so we had a good chance of getting this up by sundown. Tonight's going to be a celebration like no other.
Hero, Tuesday
Peach came back with her one coin.
Mario wasn't around, so Wario and DK performed a scene they had been rehearsing.
"Ever get tired of boring old brownies?" DK asked Wario, loud enough that Peach could hear.
"Yes!" Wario answered, "But how do I make an ordinary brownie interesting?"
"It's actually very simple. Do you have any spare cataquack blood lying around?"
Peach groaned as she realized where this was headed.
"Why, yes, I actually do." Wario held up the stomach of a spiny filled cataquack blood.
"Good." DK held up a brownie. "Now all you have to do is squeeze it out…" DK squirted the blood all over the brownie. Peach turned green and turned away.
DK: You'd be surprised what awful noises you can make with a spiny stomach and some blood.
"Wow, doesn't that look good?" DK handed the dripping brownie to Wario.
"Very. In fact, it looks so good that I'll…" Wario swallowed the brownie in one gulp.
Peach put a hand over her mouth and ran to the river. DK and Wario howled with laughter.
"How'd you do that?" DK asked Wario.
"Don't ask." Wario grinned.
Outcast, Tuesday
Once everything was set up, Birdo and Bro Mamma began cooking the food nearby. It was sundown, so Rosalina started up the fire.
"Today is the day…" Rosalina stuck the Fire tribe's torch into the fire. "that we burn the Fire tribe's torch!"
Everyone yelled and whooped as the Fire tribe's torch went up in flames. They didn't stop until the torch crumbled into ashes.
Funky and Rosalina went up on stage and started performing songs. Funky Kong played his guitar and Rosalina sang. The rest of the tribe sung along. While Birdo finished cooking, Ed put out cardboard 'plates.' When the song was done, everyone helped themselves to buzzy beetle, spiny, fish, cataquack, and rice. Funky Kong turned out to be the ultimate storyteller.
"…and then they left the tent to go find out what the noise was…" Funky Kong said mysteriously.
"DON'T LEAVE THE TENT!" Yoshi exclaimed in horror.
"They did! And they slowly saw a shadow come up behind them… Suddenly, Jack froze!"
Everyone gasped.
"Belinda slowly turned her head around to reveal…"
Everyone held their breath.
"…a vampire sorceress!"
Rosalina: It went on like this for a half and hour of so. I wasn't scared, of course.
Rosalina screamed.
After the storytelling, everyone made merry and stuffed themselves. Everyone called it quits a few hours later, and piled into their beds.
Advantage Challenge
The three teams boated down to three arches with platforms on the side. Two ropes hung down from the top of the arch and one of them roped around to each platform on each of the three arches. Ben was waiting for them at a central platform.
"Hello, hello. Now, before we start the challenge, let me ask a few questions." Ben said.
"Fire, your torch was stolen and burned. How does that make you feel?"
"Who are you, Doctor Phil?" Toadette sneered.
The other tribes snickered.
"Well… okay, then. Hero tribe, I heard there's been some unrest. Care to explain?"
"Well, unrest is a strong word, but me and an associate have been pulling some pranks lately…" Wario said.
"HE MADE ME PUKE THREE TIMES!" Peach yelled, pointing at Wario.
The other tribes snickered.
"Okay, I'll try not to paint a visual picture." Ben grinned. "Outcast, how was your celebration?"
"It was fantastic, thank you for asking." Rosalina said. "Funky and I were performing onstage, we dined on five different dishes all cooked to perfection, and Funky Kong told ghost stories. We all had a great time." The rest of the tribe murmured assent.
"Good for you, then. But on to the Advantage Challenge.
"You will select one member to hold on to ropes above the sea today. The other members of the tribe will be holding the hanging person up. Taunts are expected, and allowed. And watch out, folks, I heard that it's going to rain today." Ben pointed up at the overcast sky.
"Since Hero is down one member, Fire and Outcast, you will have to sit someone out. Also, after the first ten minutes, two of your members will have to sit out. The final two will hold on to the rope until everyone else has been eliminated or their person hits the water.
"And on to the reward. The winning team will receive a complete dinnerware set. A real table, 250 paper plates, over one hundred plastic forks and spoons, pots, pans, and a cooking stone that can be held over the fire. Everyone needs this."
Everyone was looking at one another, imagining having real plates for once.
"So I'll let you have a few minutes to decide who'll be sitting out, who will be standing on what side and where, and who will be hanging by the ropes."
Outcast
"Bro Mamma, you know those mental cooldowns that you've been teaching us?" Rosalina asked.
"Yeah. Why?"
"About a minute in, start reciting them. Everyone will get sucked in and then I'll be able to surprise them with my noises that I used to win in the very first challenge. As for who's where, Ed, you'll be sitting out, Yoshi and Bro Mamma, you'll be on the inside, Birdo and Funky, you'll be on the outside."
Fire
"Toadette, I need you to be hanging." Luigi said.
Luigi: This is my last chance to prove that I can be a winning strategist. If we don't win, I'm screwed.
"ME? NO WAY!" Toadette screamed.
"Come on. You're our lightest."
"I am hydrophobic and have horrible endurance. I'd better sit out."
"Fine. Daisy, you'll be hanging. Toadette, you'll sit out, Bowser Jr. and I will be on the inside and Diddy and Waluigi will be on the outside. This better work."
Hero
"I'll hang." Mario said. "Peach and Wario, you'll be on the outside, Bowser and DK will be on the inside. We'll smash the competition."
…
"Everybody in position?" Ben asked. "Start the clock!"
One minute…
Bro Mamma started shouting visuals. She looked like she was telling Rosalina, but she yelled it loud enough that everybody could hear. "Imagine that you are an eagle, soaring high above the clouds and free of the constraints of civilization…"
Mario: Bro Mamma's chants were really relaxing, so I started to listen in. Soon I felt like I could hold on forever.
Ten minutes…
"You've been at this for ten minutes! Outside people, let go!"
Peach, Wario, Diddy Kong, Waluigi, Funky Kong, and Birdo stepped away from the rope.
Bowser Jr: We were struggling to hold up Daisy, especially after the outside people had to let go. I tried to relax by listening to Bro Mamma, but that turned out to be a horrible mistake.
Bro Mamma continued. "You are an ant, in tune with the soil. You slowly feel the sand on your legs, every grain a-"
"EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE-EE!"
"WAUGH!"
"AAAAA!"
Sloop. Sloop.
Rosalina was the only person still hanging. She was smiling devilishly.
Mario came up for air. "N…No fair!"
"If you were concentrating, that wouldn't have happened." Rosalina said.
Daisy: I want to stick a knife in Rosalina's back and twist. Of all the dirty, dastardly crimes the Outcast tribe has committed, this is the worst.
"Congrats, Outcast tribe, you've won the dinnerware. According to the cameras, both Mario and Daisy hit the water at the same time, but it really doesn't matter because Fire's torch was burned." Ben explained
"Rub it in, why don't you?" Luigi growled.
"Fire, I'll see you at tribal." Ben said.
Outcast, Wednesday
"Oh… my… god!"
A wide assortment of boxes was strewn around the Outcast camp. Rosalina barked out orders and the tribe got to work setting everything up.
Birdo: I can't wait to eat on real plates! This is going to be awesome!
Rosalina: Trickery and deceit can get you far in this game. Just as Fire had a superior strategy in the first Advantage Challenge, we had a superior strategy in the second, and we're going to have one in every one thereafter. We are the dominant power on this island, and nobody's going to stand in our way.
Yoshi: Nobody's going to stand in our way.
Ed: Nobody's going to stand in our way.
Fire, Tribal Council
Ben met the Fire tribe on the dark side of the island. He handed each member a torch. "Fire represents life. If your torch goes out, so do you.
"Each of you will write a name down on a peace of paper, the name of the person you want most to go home. This person does not have to be the weakest. Keep in mind, throughout the game, that there can only be one Royal Survivor."
He directed each of the survivors to a school-type desk and chair, both made out of bamboo. He handed them each a slip of paper and a pen. Ben sat down at a much bigger desk that was facing all of the others and seemed to enjoy the large chair. A small fire separated him from the survivors.
Bowser Jr. wrote down Luigi's name.
Bowser Jr: If it weren't for you, we wouldn't be here. You are the bane of this tribe's existence.
Luigi wrote down Toadette's name.
Luigi: I hate your sass and your negative attitude. Get a life and come back to the show.
Toadette wrote down Luigi's name.
Toadette: I hate you. Do I really need another reason?
Ben collected all of the slips of paper. He read each of them aloud.
"Luigi." Luigi looked like he thought it wasn't a big deal.
"Toadette." Toadette blew some hair from her face.
"Luigi." Luigi looked a bit nervous now.
"Diddy Kong." Diddy Kong flinched in his seat.
"Toadette." Toadette started looking at random people, as if accusing them.
"Two votes Luigi, two votes Toadette, and one vote Diddy Kong. The second person to leave Royal Survivor is…
"Luigi. You will depart immediately. Will you leave your luxury item with your tribemates who betrayed you?" Ben asked as he snuffed Luigi's torch.
"No. I go, the Sorry game goes. Have fun being bored. Oh wait, you can't!" Luigi walked off in a huff.
Luigi: I screwed up, and unfortunately, you don't get second chances in this game. Above all, though, I hope Toadette goes home. She doesn't deserve to be here.
Next on Royal Survivor…
Wario goes a little too far.
"WHY'RE YOU LOOKING THROUGH MY _ING DIARY?"
Peach kicked Wario in the one place a boy should never be kicked.
The Fire tribe starts to lose its luster…
Bowser Jr: Everyone is just lying around, hating having no one to lead them.
…and Bowser Jr. decides to take charge.
"All right, everyone, let's give it our all." Bowser Jr. cheers. "There are no ifs, ands, or buts, I need 100% out of you!"
The Fire tribe cheered.
And the Outcast tribe remains undefeated.
Daisy: I've heard of winners, but this is ridiculous.
Bowser Jr: Saying we're screwed is an understatement if we can't knock the wind out of the Outcast's sails.
Birdo: This doesn't feel like Royal Survivor anymore. It feels like a luxury resort where you beat everyone else miserably.
Who will be the next Royal Survivor?