OK on with Chappy four- Emotionless by Good Charlotte
This is a little bit Emo, I gues but it's a bit of a darker song and it touches on thing most valuable in the brothers lives.
Escpecially when what's most valuable can turn most vulnerable to you...Sam and Dean's thoughts and feelings... a bit deep...:D
AN- fic takes place from Emeline's Pigotts fic- Blood Sport- because when Sam left home for school- it's perfect, Courts x
Hey dad
I'm writing to you
That I still hate you
Sam hadn't heard from John or Dean in the first year at Stanford, but that was sorta' self explanatory right?
After all Sam had all but walked all over Dean to leave, and he'd...
He'd made John mad enough to more than verbal lashings.
His cheek still stung, so did his heart.
John had hit Sam and that had hurt them both more than a throbbing fist and a bright red cheek.
Sam still cried into his fists at night, the odd times.
Ocassionally.
It became less and less.
But it was still there.
An ache.
Because his family hadn't called to even ask how he was.
Did they care?
He was sure Dean did, but maybe Dad wasn't letting him use the phone, or maybe he'd convinced Dean too that Sam had walked out on them.
Had he?
He didn't hate John, did he?
He didn't hate Dean enough to leave...no.
He Hated so gad-damned much that he couldn't go back.
His Dadd had said No.
And he meant that.
It was an order.
Can't disobey a direct order...it's all wrongwrongwrong.
Well this was all wrong!
Because Sam didn't need some smartass teacher in Stanford to tell him he was special.
Beacause...because...Dean did.
Had.
Dean had always told him that.
Not Dad.
Dean.
And now, he couldn't even see Dean.
Just to ask you
How you feel
And how we fell apart
How this fell apart
"Dad...?"
Dean had asked and asked and begged and god damn pleaded, ring Sam, call Sam, phone Sam, fucking GET Sam. Back. For. Good.
"No, Dean. You know what choice he wanted and he's living it now, he wouldn't have left if he didn't want to...he deserves this."
True.
Sam didn't desere it out of spite, he genuinley deserved that life, deserved better. Maybe even better then Dean and Dad and...happy.
But was Sam happier at some smart-straight A school than with them...
Dean wondered sometimes if John was just too high up on his horse to see Sam just wanted a peice of normal with-in his family.
After all the soccer practice, the spelling bee medals, the writing awards...Dad hadn't seemed proud, hadn't seemed happy.
Maybe it was because normal made Dad think of Mom, and that was painful Dean thought.
Maybe Dad wanted them to have a normal but he it was too chest-tightening to see it through.
"Dad..." Dean croaked.
"What now...?" John answered.
"Sam just wanted you to be proud of him for something. Just once. Maybe then he wouldn't of been driven away."
Dean set his jaw, watched the screen of emotions fold over his Dad's face.
You've messed this up.
You drove Sam away Dad...
"I..." John stuttered.
Dean half nodded, half proved himself that Sam hadn't run away. He'd been chased away. Dean slammed the door on the chevy and left.
Just to get away for a while.
Away from Dad meant closer to Sam.
Somewhere in the middle, Dean thought.
John sighed loudly.
"I'm sorry Sammy..." And tears came to his eyes as easily as the night Sam had left.
Are you happy out there
In this great wide world
Do you think about your sons
Do you miss your little girl
John paid for a half decent motel, saw Dean go in and shut the door.
More like slam.
But he'd cool off, he'd calm down.
He always did.
So John thought, about how special Sam really was.
His son, the academically acheived little mop of brown hair and goo-goo eyes he'd been handed in the hospital so many years ago. Even then Sam had hair.
Oh god. It's been years since he was born.
Sammy had become Sam and he'd grown up.
When had that happened...?
John still saw Sammy in diapers and in Mary's arms.
Is that why it made him so mad to see Sam leave...the way Mary had left him.
But Sam was alive and in the world, and John wondered if he thought about his dad as much as John thought about him.
"I'm so sorry Sammy..." John sobbed.
When you lay your head down
How do you sleep at night
Do you even wonder if we're alright
But we're alright
We're alright
John didn't sleep at all that night, he woke around 3am and sat on the hood of the impala.
Stared up at the skies, at the stars, waiting and wanting for that one shimmering star he could wish on.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there on the nights that we cried
The Stanford appartment building had a small gap under the windows where balconies used to hang, for flower pots and plants littered it now.
So that night when the dreams only reminded him of what he'd left Sam climbed under the small gap, he'd had to grow up a lot since he'd left, and he sat, over the railings leaning on the wall and stared and thought and lost himself in the never ending blackness above him.
It's like losing yourself and finding yourself all rolled into one.
Stars and lights shimmered above him, made him see even if you were down on life the stars were always bright, Sam blinked finally finding some peace and inhaled the cold refreashing air.
He almost didn't miss the bright wave of light that shot across the sky, Sam followed it with his eyes and wished.
He wished and wanted...
Dean...
Dad...
Tears threatened him again and he stilled, listened to dark silence and just breathed...
You broke my mothers heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
When John saw the whoosh of light he knew what he had to do, sighing deeply he built himself up for a fight and opened the squeaking door.
"Where you off to...? Doing a little midnight spying..." Dean flicked his eyes to the sky.
"Dean-" John started.
"I saw it too..." Dean said. "I wanna' go see Sam."
John opened his mouth, then clamped it shut.
"I thought you'd never ask." John laughed with tears in his eyes, voice light. "I'm drivin'."
The grit of gravel as the impala turned the only sound in the night.
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years
Learning how to survive
Funny how the sky can show you what you're missing without even knowing you.
Sam just saw his family in the inky bleakness and he saw himself as a distant dot in the sky, alone and by himself.
Right now Sam really wanted Dean.
He wanted to shrivel up in his leather jacket and just exist in the space and time when no-one else was up and everything was down.
But Dad would always be with Dean and Sam couldn't have Dad if Dad didn't want him.
Of all the times growing up Sam remembered Dean taking care of him and not their father.
He never thought John would be watching aswell, from a distance but always there.
He just never thought...
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
The days I spent
So cold, so hungry
Were full of hate
I was so angry
Sam's first year hadn't gone too well.
Not in grades because they were higher and better then ever.
But it was a moot point.
Sam just didn't feel like it was here he was meant to be.
A spot didn't feel filled and he had a feeling he knew why.
"For fuck sake Dad...I've done everything for you and you won't even give me one look to say you're proud. But you've never been proud have you...I'm not Dean, I'm not...your son..." Sam sniffed, eyes hidden under his arm. His tears dripped down his face and reflected the stars from above.
"Whats the point in being who I am if you don't even except it...well I'm not Dean, and I'm not a soldier...and if you can't except that, then fine...I'll make it happen here and I..I..." Sam whispered.
"Can I do it without you...?"
His gaze fell on a blurred cloud covering a patch of stars, it almost looked like a sympathetic smile.
The scars run deep inside
This tattooed body
There's things I'll take
To my grave
But I'm ok
I'm ok
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
And I'm still alive
John floored the car and felt it eat away patches of highway, closer and closer to his goal.
"Why now..." Dean had asked and John had just replied with. "I'm ready."
And he was.
Something in the atmosphere had just clicked, there was only so much heart ache you could handle before you felt regret and a need to un-do what had gone wrong.
Dean nodded.
"You think he'll want to see us?"
John didn't miss the way Dean said 'us' but he wasn't sure about the answer to that one.
"If he feels it's time...then he'll see us Dean. He'll see you...I know that."
Dean look confused at him.
"Sammy never wanted to walk away from you Dean, you've both been different since you've been apart...a dad can tell ya' know."
Sometimes I forget
Yeah, and this time
I'll admit that I miss you
Said I miss you
Sam laid his head back on the rough bricks behind him.
It felt rough, well life was rough.
It grounded him, made him see life with the filters off.
Maybe running away was a bad idea...did he run away?
That's how it felt in the this time, this place tonight.
He had left Dean...and Dad.
It wasn't so bad hunting...was it?
What was so bad you had to run away?
A voice asked, it sounded suspiciously like Dean too.
"I wanted..." Sam choked.
This?...You wanted to sit on a guard rail four floors up to stare at the sky every night?...You wanted to feel so empty inside?
Sam shook his head.
"I want them...back."
Then he really did choke back a cry.
It's been a long hard road without you by my side
Why weren't you there the nights that we cried
You broke my mother's heart
You broke your children for life
It's not ok but we're alright
I remember the days you were a hero in my eyes
But those are just a long lost memory of mine
When the loud rumble reached his ears Sam thought the Dean-like voice was taunting him again with memories, but when the squeal doors opened, once and then twice, Sam craned his head and listened.
"You sure this is it?..." Rough, strained...?
"Yeah, I've got the copy of the entry form I took..." Grinning...nervous...?
"Hmm...nice place, he's done well..."
Hope flared in Sam's chest, he knew that car, he knew those voices but...but...were they real?
He brushed off the tears and climbed back in, unbolted his door and even ran down the steps to the main entrance and the double doors.
Around that corner could be his family, what he'd longed for so long.
Panic threatened to choke him, but he needed to see them, if it was them, he wanted to be sure.
Now I'm writing just to let you know
I'm still alive
The pattern stained double foyer doors opened onto rippled steps and Sam's heart had never pounded so much.
He patted on the dusty concrete steps onto a larger path and walk way, straight and narrow, Sam thought he'd hyperventilate.
Bare feet felt numb on the cold slabs, his t-shirt and joggers moved in the breeze and Sam stopped, stilled.
The impala was parked at the bottom, two shadows moving up the walkway, roughly talking, boots echoing.
When Sam caught eyes of the taller one the figures stopped and he could see the lips parting.
"Sam?"
The gasp burst out of Sam and his knee's felt weak.
"D-dad...Dad..." He whispered.
"Sammy?..."
Oh God, was that Dean...
"Dean..."
Sam's knees buckled and he fell onto the path, body shuddered on impact because
Oh my fucking god...it's really them, they're here.
Twp pair of feet bolted up the path when Sam fell on his knees and a moment later, rough arms were wrapped tightly around the youngest Winchester, fists full of his t-shirt and heads buried into Sam's too long hair.
He swore their jeans had ripped by the way they skidded to a stop in front of him.
Sam was overwhelmed with grief and sadness and releif washed over him, leaving him feel cold and weak when the hug tightened and Sam was Sammy again.
And sometimes I forget
This time I'll admit
That I miss you
I miss you
Hey dad
"Oh Sammy...you're okay...you're alright" John repeated, Sam's face firmly planted on his chest, the shake in the boys shoulder grew to a full on sob and his body shook with tears.
Dean backed off for a moment, knowing this was pretty deep and he watched on in awe.
A rift had been opened, but right now everything looked...
Good. Not bleak.
For them anyway, Dean thought.
He felt like a family and Sam had finally realised that's what he'd been searching for.
"D-dad..m'sorry..." Sam hiccuped. Just like he'd done at only four.
"I'ts alright son..." John squeezed him tighter, then stood pulling Sam up with him and un-wrapped one arm for Dean to join.
Dean tried to ignore his Dad's glassy eyes and Sam's waterlogged face.
Then Dean squeezed Sam so close to him and felt his little brother give way to another fit of tears.
"Dean.." Sam moaned and leaned tighter toward his family.
Because they were a family. They were his.
And he'd missed and wanted them for so long.
John felt his son shiver in his arms and pulled back seeing awkardly how Sam didn't look him in the eye and how he hastilly wiped away the tears.
"C'mon you're cold, let's get inside."
John and Dean walked toward the appartment building entrance, and shared confused looks when Sam just stood still, not following them.
"Son...? You not coming in?...it's cold..." John asked.
"Sammy...?" Dean asked.
Sam let one last tear drop on the concrete making a bizarre kind of heart and looked up to his brother, then his dad, hands nervously fiddling behind his back.
"let's just go." Sam whispered.
Dean's smile couln't of been happier when Sam was back at his side, John heart clenching all the way back to the car.
He could get new shoes, new clothes, new general stuff or books.
He would never have another family.
...
And I'd love to know how you felt x