Amor fati

"Love your fate" ~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Sacramento, 1974

When Della opened the door the pain in her chest was, at least this time, caused by the shock of his unexpected presence. Her throat became dry and her heartbeat increased instantly, as she fully realized his physical nearness. Inside of her burned a fight between anger and desperation that made it hard to process the full meaning of his visit. Aware that every emotion that was shaking her up, was mirrored in her face, she swallowed, waiting for him to make the first step.

"Hello Della," he greeted her softly.

"Hello, Perry," she returned flatly and couldn't move.

Her whole body language implied that she was rejecting him. "May I come in?" he asked, hesitating when he realized how she struggled to keep up her countenance. "Please," he added more gently and established eye contact with her until she realized he wouldn't take no for an answer.

"Come in." She stepped aside, allowing him to enter her home.

"It's beautiful," he complimented as he followed her through the entrance hall into the light-flooded living room. He stopped in the middle of the room where he took his time to admire the view over the ocean and the open grand-sized room with its white furniture, the piano and its pictures that featured nothing but the story of a happy couple.

He felt she was watching him, her arms crossed over her chest. She still wasn't pleased with his sudden appearance and he had expected that reaction from her. He was intruding [in] her life, her home, from which she had banned him a long time ago.

"Why are you here, Perry?"

"Because I wanted to see you."

"As flattering as that sounds..." she sighed. "I thought we had an agreement."

"We had, but you were the first one to break it. You first came to see me in private."

She opened her mouth, wanted to argue that her case was different, but then she remained silent.

"Your husband paid me a visit," Perry further explained, then paused, waiting for her reaction. "He's an amazing person. I don't know if I could do what he did."

The expression on her face altered from utter disbelief to shock, and then to sadness.

"You almost fooled me, you know? I sensed something was wrong with you, but you really led me to believe, you just wanted to chit chat with me for old times' sake. Instead you only came to see me, because you knew that silently stealing yourself away wouldn't quite work out again."

"Silently stealing myself away?" she repeated in a shaking voice.

"Yes, that's what you're doing. It's your usual MO, because you think you know what's best," he drew a deep breath and then he stepped forward, closing the distance between them. "I should really be angry with you for thinking so little of me that you decided not to be honest with me," he said, as he touched her face.

She looked up to him, her eyes swimming with tears. "It wasn't right of him to tell you," she said in a throaty voice and lowered her eyelashes to avoid his piercing gaze.

"I'm glad he did."

"I don't want pity," she said and turned away. "Especially not yours."

"Do I look as if I pity you?" he asked, swirling her, so that she had to face him again. "I'm here, because I..." He had grabbed her by her upper arms, pulling her a little closer, but now that their faces were only inches away, he didn't know what to say.

"I want to be with you. I want to talk to you. I miss you."

"And you remembered that when you heard I was ill?" she asked scathingly.

"I always remember it. There isn't a day that passes that I don't think of you!" He slowly loosened his grip, but she made no attempt to flee from his grip. "But you were the one who asked me to stay away in the first place. The night before you married Richard you told me to leave you alone and I agreed. Then you turned up on my doorstep and now it's on you to tell me you haven't missed me."

The intensity in his voice and the sparkle in his eyes touched her very core. Unable to keep up the facade she had been building up since he entered her home she sank against his chest.

"I knew it was a mistake to talk to you," she said, as the first tears ran down her face. "But I... I just wanted..."

"I know why," he whispered and stroked her back. "I know." He understood. He would want the very same.

They stood there in the middle of the sunny room, holding each other tightly, as if the world stood still.

As her tears had dried she finally pulled away and he gave her his handkerchief.

"As you see, Counselor, you're clinging to a lost case," she said bitterly while carefully cleaning her face.

"Is there nothing..." he started, but she cut him off.

"No, and before you ask... I'm doing my best to make my peace with the situation. It's not easy but there are days when I actually think I can pull this through without going insane."

She tried to crack a smile and clutched his hand, as she returned the handkerchief. "I need to make sure I'm strong enough when the end comes."

"You're the strongest person I know."

He meant it. Della was stronger and more confident than anyone else he had ever met. People used to say Laura was strong, but he knew by now, Laura's strength resulted from the walls she erected around herself. In her core, Laura depended on outside approval to hold up her shields. Della's strength came from inside, out of her very soul.

"I wish you had told me at the fundraiser," he said, this time without the hint of accusation in his voice.

Della shook her head. "It's bad enough that I just ran after you like some desperate ex girlfriend."

"You know it wasn't like that."

"But some people want to see me like that," she explained and drew a deep breath. She didn't want to cause a rift between Perry and his wife, but he needed to understand.

"Somebody saw me entering your suite and told Laura about it. She was here, made a big fuss and left. I don't even want to imagine what she thinks when she knows you're here now or when somebody else sees you here."

She cupped his cheek with her hand and ran her thumb over his skin. "You can't afford to be seen with your competitor's wife, no matter how noble your intentions are. Neither can I talk to you without embarrassing and hurting Richard, and I know he's hurting, no matter how much he encouraged you to pay me a visit."

He placed his hand on hers, led it gently to his mouth, and kissed it.

"I'm sorry," he said lowly. "I'm sorry, she upset you."

"She's fighting for the man she loves and I don't blame her for that."

He shook his head, "She's jealous and I'm afraid I gave her reason enough to be."

As always when he tried to blame himself, Della cut him off, "I don't think you..."

"I did and I'll never know how to make it up to her."

When Della shook her head, unable to understand what he was referring to, he drew a deep breath and explained, "The night Laura had the car accident and lost the baby we argued about you. She had found out I was still trying to talk to you, despite your explicit wishes. She overheard me talking to Mae at the phone. Anyway, she stormed out of my office and when she wanted to cross the street, she ran into that car..." He broke off, leaving the rest to her imagination.

"I'm so sorry." People were quick to say that nobody was to blame for a tragedy when actually all involved had their own share of responsibility. Laura's miscarriage was one of those events, Della assumed. They all had played their part in it and they all paid for it equally. She closed her eyes, asking herself why fate hadn't chosen them for less difficult tasks.

"She's never been the same after the accident," Perry concluded. "But she won't bother you again. I promise you that."

"I don't want to cause any trouble between the two of you."

"You aren't."

He reached out to take her left hand. The small diamond ring sparkled in the light of the dipping sun.

"The man's got taste," Perry complimented, as his thumb played with the graceful stone. "The perfect ring for the perfect woman."

"Let's say he knows how to flatter me just like somebody else I know."

She slowly pulled her hand back and removed the ring from her finger. He held his breath while he watched her placing it on the piano next to a framed photo of her wedding day.

"Can you stay for a while?" she asked, as she reached out for him.

"I hoped you would ask."

He woke up from the noise of screaming sea gulls. He rubbed his face, bent his head back and faced a white ceiling. He was lying on the couch in Della's living room. The door to the terrace was open. The morning air smelled fresh and the blue sky outside invited for a walk.

He swung his legs over the edge and closed the opened buttons of his shirt. He saw Della when he stepped out on the terrace. She was sitting at the beach, watching the ocean waves as they crashed onto the shore.

"Isn't it a bit too cold here?" he asked, as he placed a blanket over her shoulders.

She frowned at his touch, but when she bent her head to look up to him, her face brightened with a wide smile. "No, it's perfect, but thank you."

He sank down next to her and for a while they simply sat there, watching the movement of the water.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" she asked after a while. "So peaceful."

"It certainly is," he agreed.

"You know, I can't ask you to stay much longer," Della said and turned her head, so that she could face him.

"Yes, I know," he answered. "As much as I want to stay."

She gently shook her head, "Yesterday was perfect. It was more than I could have asked for."

"I wish there was more time."

"Oh Perry," she smiled at him and leaned over to kiss him. "Don't you know that it doesn't matter how much time we spent together, as long as we use the few moments we get, to the fullest?"

He kissed her back, longer and more passionate than before.

"You're one of a kind, Della Street," he returned as they broke apart and caressed her chin with his thumb. "And I love you," he added lowly.

"I love you, too, Perry Mason."

She caressed his face, kissed him one last time and leaned her forehead against his. "Go now, please. It's time."

He did as he was told. No matter how much he wanted to stay, he left her home, never to return.

He drove the way back to Los Angeles and as the day ended, he had learned to accept the inevitable.

The day ended and he understood she was right to send him back. What they had shared was stronger and deeper and made it unnecessary to break their spouses' hearts. What they shared would last forever. Life was fragile and very often unfair, but what they meant to each other was unbreakable.

We only leave this world as a fragment when we leave without having loved our lives with all its detours and failures. Learning to love our fate was the hardest lesson of all, but thanks to her, he knew now, it was possible.

~tbc~

Disclaimer: In case I never mentioned it before, I don't own the characters of Perry Mason and I don't make any money from this - obviously.

Thanks again to my lovely beta!