4- The Day My Mother Died
It's a quiet Spring morning and I'm sitting in the Gazebo having a cup of coffee; watching my son, Devon as he crawls towards one of the flower beds. Dark Nation is laying down on the ground, watching him attentively and near enough to corral him if he gets too far. Tsengs' Cat Julius, is curled up in a patch of sunlight near my feet.
Watching him explore his environments brings a soft smile to my face. He has grown so much in these last few months. Pretty soon he'll begin to walk and talk and... I sigh as I realize just how quickly time does fly but I cherish the moments I have with him; as I remember how short that time was between my mother and me.
Evelyn Shin-Ra! She was beautiful! Long, wheat-colored Blonde hair. Blue eyes, only slightly lighter than mine. Delicate facial features and a soft, quiet voice. As a young child; she was my world.
When father wasn't around, I remember she doted on me but any time, as per father's rules, when he was home; she maintained the level of strict structure and discipline expected of a Shinra! Looking back, I realize how much she came to resent my father. I guess, I too had come to resent the time when he was there too.
As I got older; my mother would take me to the Chocobo farm and teach me how to ride the large birds. At first, I wouldn't go near them but her patient coaxing soon had me in the saddle and loving the freedom this activity gave us.
It was shortly after our first few trips; that father had ordered Tseng to be my bodyguard. It was also his duty to escort my mother on those times she went riding by herself.
Shortly after I turned fourteen though, the world I lived in lost all of its color! My mother had died, And a very large part of me died with her!
They had been fighting that night; something that had become all too frequent when father was home. Though tonight was different. Normally they would wait until after I had gone to bed before they started and up until then it was like living in Glacier mountain but this time things started to escalate right at the dinner table! The tension was so palatable, you could cut it with a knife! I remember sitting there eating my dinner as quick as I could so that I could properly excuse myself and go to my room.
Later, after I hadn't gotten into bed; I could hear their raised voices down the hall, even though I couldn't make out what was being said. Then the door slammed and all was quiet. I laid awake all night wondering what, if anything I should do... Ultimately I did nothing but a fit of anger started to build inside of me!
That morning, at breakfast, my father informed me that my mother was going to be spending some time with her family and that he didn't know when she would be back! I opened my mouth to ask one of the many questions running through my mind but the look he gave me made the words die before I even uttered a sound and kept me silent for the rest of the meal.
Head down and obedient, I ate my breakfast; excused myself, saying I to finish the lessons I had been working on. I never had felt so alone as even Tseng wasn't at the mansion. I had no one to confide in.
A few days later, I was called to Shin-Ra tower and my fathers' office.
When I arrived, I was escorted to my father by Tseng, which I found strange as I knew how to get to my father's office but I said nothing.
Upon entering the office, I noticed all of his executives and Vled were all there; wearing expressions of sympathy and sorrow. My heart plummeted. Something was wrong and my mind spinning at all of the possible scenarios but no one uttered a word to me.
So standing before the massive desk, I waited respectfully for my father to address me. After a moment he looked me straight in the eyes and calmly stated. "Rufus, your mother has been found dead!"
Words failed me, I couldn't believe what I just heard. So I stood there staring back at him! That was it! No 'I'm sorry'; no expression or emotion; no plans for a funeral... Just 'She's dead!' I simply nodded.
At that moment a cold bitterness, for this man, seeped into the core of my being and I realized how much I hated him! I knew my father well enough to know he would give the order to his TURKS, probably Vled, to eliminate her! The fight that they had; her leaving and how my father reacted the next day; would have been more than enough reason, for him, to do so and rid himself of the embarrassment! I was sickened by this brutal reality but I was only a boy and to show emotion or question my father would have resulted in not only a verbal assault on my character but also a backhand across my face for showing disrespect, so I stayed quiet and waited!
I couldn't stand being in the same space with him anymore but before he dismissed me, he dropped the second bombshell. "In the morning; you will be transferred to the military academy to continue to further your education!"... I just kept my face as expressionless as I could and nodded; my father, in essence, was washing is hands of me and the anger I felt blossomed into a raging inferno as I held back the tears for the loss of the one person I truly loved. The tears for my Mother!
As I turned to leave, my father ordered Tseng to escort me back to the mansion and help me pack. He nodded briskly and replied with "Yes, Sir!" and followed me out of the office into the elevator.
The ride down was silent, as I knew there was surveillance in the elevator cars and I refused to give the Old Man any satisfaction by breaking down. Did he want a carbon copy of himself? Then that was what I was going to give him! But from then on, it was going to be on my terms!
We rode back to the mansion in one of the company cars and as soon as we arrive I ran into the house and straight to my room before I disgraced myself and started crying in front of Tseng, the driver or any of the staff.
A few moments later I felt the mattress shift as the weight of someone sat down beside me but I was too wrapped up in my anger and sorrow to do anything about it. Then I felt a hand rubbing my back. I tensed briefly till I heard Tseng quietly ask if I wanted him to stop. I shook my head as he was the only person I had left that I could trust without censor.
After a time, I got myself calmed down and he got me some water. I remembered him singing a song to himself. It was in Wutain, so I didn't know what the words meant but anytime time I heard him sing it I would feel calm. I don't know why but I can honestly say that I didn't feel much like a fourteen-year-old on the cusp of manhood; I felt closer to a four-year-old child lost and adrift in a terrifying world and in that moment he was my rock... I climbed onto his lap, seeking comfort, safety, friendship, acceptance, solace... I don't know and after a moment he held me as I asked him if he would sing me that song. He chuckled by obliged me.
" Rénshēng jì yīshì, fāng xǐng chūn yǐ mù. Sì shí gèng biànhuà, suìyuè yī hé sù Yì rú chánghé xīng, sī rú míngyuè xuán. Sùshǒu zhuó qīngsī, zhī chéng shuāng luóxuán Shuí néng wéi cǐ qū, zhuǎnzhóu fù xiāngsī. Bō xián shēng shēng màn, chóuchú yù yǔ chí. Fāng huá zhǐ chànà, cánxiāng kòngyú zhī. Dī méi xìnshǒu dàn, shuō jìnxīn zhōng shì"
His voice was soft and low as he sang and it comforted me. For a moment I forgot that I was Shinra and was not to not show emotion or become attached or the hundred and one 'Rules' my father expected me to live by; that I was just a young boy who has lost his mother, And as Tseng sang, I drifted off to sleep, knowing that for now, I was safe.
I woke up the next morning my eyes gritty and my mind foggy and I was still in the clothes I had on the day before. I got up to start my morning ritual when my gaze landed on the luggage, packed and waiting by my door and reality came crashing down around me. I nodded though, remembering the promise I had made to be my fathers' son on my terms. So hardening my heart and erecting a fortress around myself, I step into my new life as my new self.
Forty-something years old and that pain never left me, as I feel the sting of tears and try to blink them away. I still miss her and desperately wish she could be here to see her grandson playing in the grass. But I thank God Tseng had been there for me that day because I know things would have turned out a lot differently if he hadn't been.
A/N: These one-shots are a written collaboration with my friend Kitsune-queen (pen name on AO3) Tseng side of this event can be read there!
【相楽夜】 紡歌 Chinese Ver (つむぎ唄) を 歌ってみた English Translation
Title: Fang Bai / Tsumugi Uta / Spinning Song Music: DATEKEN Cover: Sagara Yoru Illustration: AYAKI Lyrics: Yuinu
inochi wa toki no naka wo
nagare nagarete
tokoshie no kiroku wo
futae no rasen ni tsumugi yuku
Life cuts across time
And while becoming calm,
Cuts eternity's records
Into two overlapping spirals and dies
watashi wa kono uta wo
utai katarite
setsuna no kioku wo
hito no kokoro ni kizami yuku
I'll recite
This song
And carve a moment's memory
Into people's hearts
al a re laye
al a re layo
al a re laya
al a reya...
[2x]
al a re laye
al a re layo
al a re laya
al a reya...
[2x]
inochi wa toki no naka wo
nagare nagarete
tokoshie no kiroku wo
futae no rasen ni tsumugi yuku
Life cuts across time
And while becoming calm,
Cuts eternity's records
Into two overlapping spirals and dies
watashi wa kono uta wo
utai katarite
setsuna no kioku wo
hito no kokoro ni kizami yuku
I'll recite
This song
And carve a moment's memory
Into people's hearts
arare raie
arare raiyo
arare raiya
arareiya
[4x]
arare raie
arare raiyo
arare raiya
arareiya
[4x]
al a re laye
al a re layo
al a re laya
al a reya...
[2x]
al a re laye
al a re layo
al a re laya
al a reya...
[2x]
Tseng, being Wutain, this is the song that was chosen for this chapter. We both hope you enjoy. Thought, comments, and opinions are always welcome