Trigger warnings

-mentions of rape.

-hate speech

Session four

All week I've been laying in my bed thinking about my last session with Will. Ordering sushi, we laid in the couch in "our position" with me laying on his chest feeding the other one with chopsticks. Confiding in me that he has never done this with a patient, but felt it might be a great step. Learning normal intimacy without the expectation of sex. I loved it, I loved the physical contact without worrying about sex. We laughed, told stupid stories about our childhoods. It was the most wonderful night of my life. I felt intimacy on two different levels, both sexual and mental. I wasn't sure if Will was just an amazing doctor that was really good at this type of therapy, or if I was falling for him. I couldn't let myself though, I have to keep in mind that he is doing this with other people. That the girl that left the office at my first session was most likely naked and spread on the bed not an hour before I arrived. Our fourth session was coming up and I was getting more and more antsy as the impending day came, I was becoming addicted to intimacy.

***four days later***

Once again with the notes.

"Just walk on in Nico I'm getting out of the shower."

Oh gods he was in the shower! I walked into the apartment and heard the water running from the back. Another bedroom was here, not the bed in the living room, but another bed. Wills bed. It was really cute, blues and creams all over the walls. Pictures littered everything around him of what I could only guess were his many siblings he talked about last session. Will was one of five apparently. The room was slightly messy, not dirty just clutter. I called out to him to let him know I was here.

"Ok well you have two choices, either wait at the chairs or join me." He said with a giggle in his voice. Will was always in a good mood, it was contagious.

"What if I do want to join you." I said playfully back at him through the door.

"Then you better hurry because I just washed the conditioner out and I'm about to soap up and be done."

I found myself moving without thought. What was I doing, before I knew it I was taking my clothes off in the bathroom until I found myself naked and reaching for the shower stall door. Opening it up I saw Will's beautiful body being run over with hot water and lathering up a loofa. The look in his eyes was sort of shocked, he didn't seem to think I would join him. To be fair... neither did I. Wow, this was what trust felt like. Stepping into the shower and under the rush of hot water, I could feel my my hair dampen and stick to my skin. Will hadn't tried to touch me. Then he spoke very carefully.

"Would you like to wash me?"

"Yes."

Handing me the soaped up sponge I began to rub down his freckle splayed skin. Will and I were getting more and more of these intimate moments that had nothing to do with sex, yet for the first time I found myself wanting to have sex. I want to have sex with Will. I want to have sex with him more than I've ever wanted to have sex with anyone. I washed all over his body, including his half hard cock and sculpted ass.

"How are you doing? Do you feel triggered?"

"No, actually I'm really turned on."

"I can see that, do you want to do anything?"

"I want to have Sex with you."

"I didn't think you would want to have sex this quickly, in-fact I didn't think you would want to until the last session."

"Well ummm... I want to have sex with you... I don't want you to have sex... with me."

"Oh, well there is lube right over there in the shower caddy. I'm pretty prepped already, always am before a session. How about I get on my knees and keep my hands on the glass and you do whatever you want to do with me, I won't move I promise. "

Reaching out to his face I brought him down to me for a kiss. Keeping his hands on the walls. I was beginning to shake in anticipation. I was going to lose my virginity.

"Nico, you don't have to. You can save this for someone special. " he said as he broke the kiss.

"You are special. I want to, I want to know what it's like. I don't know if I'll find someone that I can trust like I trust you. One day maybe, but right now I want you and I can't remember the last time I wanted someone. "

"Well I promise I won't move or touch you ok. I know this will be scary with no cuffs, but we need to try it with no cuffs." A thumb circled my cheek as he said it.

"I'm nervous but I want to. I'm ready, just... just please don't move." I said the last part with my eyes closed as if I was afraid of his reaction, even though if there was anyone in this world that would be ok with this, it would be Will. With a final long lust filled kiss he lowered him self and turned around. Grabbing the "shower lube" I slicked my dick and got on my knees.

I wish I could have been more romantic about this, or just smoother. I worked my way up to it by massaging his back and backside, running my hands up his thighs and around his stomach, the change in his breathing was giving me strength. I loved that he was turned on by me, made this easier. Reaching around I felt how hard he was and the noise he made was so erotic. I lined myself up to push in and then...

Fuck I need a condom.

"Wha.. what's the matter, are you triggered? Do we need to stop?"

"No, no I just realized I don't have protection."

"Shit of course. Ummm there are some in the drawer under the sink."

"Why there?"

"Do you really want to know?" He said looking over his shoulder with a smirk.

"Yes, I do."

"I don't like to make a mess when I jerk off in the bathroom. "

Laughing hysterically I fell backwards in the shower stall and hit my head on the glass. Turning around he was also laughing and tending to me to make sure I was ok, but I couldn't stop laughing.

"Gods damn it Will I'm trying to have Sex with you!"

"I know I'm ruining it." He laughed and snorted.

"I'm ok, I am. Just go get the condom."

Still laughing he left the stall and returned with an opened condom.

"May I put it on you?"

It hit me that I've never put one on and he might actually have to show me how. It would be the first time I let him touch my dick with his hands. I braced myself as I nodded at him to continue. Keeping one hand on the stall wall he rolled the condom down my now cleaned off cock. Taking the lube I handed it to him.

"You.. y-you can l-lube it up if you w-want."

Never taking his eyes off me he gave me a few lazy strokes, all laughter gone from the scene. It was the first time I let someone touch me, the first time I let him touch me. Without words he kissed me again as he finished the last couple strokes and turned around. Getting back into my original position I lined up and took and breath. I couldn't do it. I was missing something.

"Will, can we do this on the bathroom floor instead of in here? I need to do something first."

"Yes of course. Getting up off the shower floor and turning the water off he moved us two feet away and put down big fluffy towels.

"Lay on your back and keep your hands under your head."

Obeying he did so, never losing arousal what so ever. I climbed on top on him and laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. I felt him relax and his outtake of breath in a relieved sigh.

"I thought this might be what you wanted."

"You did?"

"Yeah, it's your safe space with me, I really like it. "

"Good, I like it too."

"Did you want to have sex like this or did you want me to turn around again?"

"Turn around. Please."

"Ok Nico."

After a few minutes of getting in my safe space with him he turned around and got on all fours. This was better, I needed that ritual with him. Plus it gave me an excuse to press my dick against his. I pushed slowly into his enveloping heat.

F.U.C.K!

Will was loose, easy to slip into. I started shallow and began to pick up my pace. Will was moaning up a storm. My arms wrapped around his waist and my ear pressed against his back and I found that I could hear his heart from his back as well. It centered me again. All worries of triggers floated away as I knew his hands would stay on the ground. It didn't last very long. I came very quickly at the new sensation. Once I climaxed a rush of confidence coursed into me as I pulled out and motioned for him to flip over. Placing his hands back under his head I lowered my mouth onto him to make sure he also got to finish. Swallowing the beauty that was Wills dick, he tapped my shoulder to warn me he was close. I didn't move this time. I kept going until I felt warm salty arousal spurt thick inside my mouth.

Wow, that was almost as amazing as the moans and wails that left his mouth... including shouting my name as he came. Bliss rolled over me. The afterglow hit me in the face and I climbed back onto him in my safe space.

"I'm going to place my arms on your waist."

"Ok."

"How do you feel?"

"I feel... amazing. I feel really good."

"I'm really proud of you Nico. You took a lot of really big strides today."

"What were we going to do?"

"I was thinking of some talking and maybe trying to convince you to let me touch you."

"Well we didn't talk but I guess I did let you touch me."

"Yeah, I guess I did a little didn't I?"

"Yeah, I don't know what came over me. I just... I just wanted to have sex. I've never really wanted to have sex until 20 minutes ago. "

"How's it feel to no longer be a Virgin."

"I don't know yet. Right now it just feels like a weight is off my shoulders. Maybe that's why I just went for it. Get it over with."

"Well we don't have to have sex again after this unless you want to. Or did you want this to be your last session?" A little worry laced his voice at the question.

"No, I have a goal now."

"What's the goal?"

"I want to have sex... without being triggered. I want to be able to bottom without being triggered. I like knowing I can do this if I'm on top. That's important, but I want to be able to bottom."

"Why is that so important to you?"

"Because before the attack I wanted to be the bottom, I always imagined myself that way. I remember liking my prostate hit with my fingers."

"Oh yes, you hit mine right on the money. I haven't enjoyed anal that much in years."

"It was like super short." I laughed.

"Yet your dick made all the difference. It felt really good inside me. You feel good inside me."

"I want to feel you inside me. Can we do that in six sessions?"

"Well, I don't know. This is a special circumstance. You have a realistic goal. I might have to... I would need more time."

"Are you saying we need more than 6 sessions to get me to the point of anal sex?"

"Yes. My research revolves around ten sessions, but maybe this is a different type of research? A more intimate one?"

"How so?"

"Well, hmmmm can we get dressed and go sit on the couch for this I'm starting to get cold. "

"Yeah."

Getting up off the ceramic tile we walked into Will's bedroom and he handed me some of his oversized comfy clothes, mine got wet. I looked at his king sized bed, his bed. I crawled on it and starfished in the middle. I loved a big bed. Rolling around I inhaled his scent and took in the softness of the blankets.

"Would you rather stay in here?"

"Are you ok with that?"

"Yes, scooch!"

Cuddling up next to me I felt his nose in my neck, taking in my scent. We settled into a nice side by side cuddle facing eachother so we could talk. If you would have told me a month ago that I would be cuddled with a man in his bed I would have punched you.

But this felt so... right.

"Well, this is new territory. For me anyway. I can't discuss my patients but I have been treating you different than them. I want to let you know that you are technically my last patient in my research. The girl you met in the hall on our first session, that was her last session. I've only been seeing you. I think it's important to see one patient at a time. 10 weeks and then on to the next patient or patients. Since you are the last one I don't necessarily have to stop at 10 weeks. We do need to put a number on it though. Let's say 15 sessions. If we can't get you there in 15 sessions then that tells me how much work still needs to be done."

"I would be ok with that." His confession made me feel special. Will breaks the rules with me and part of me really liked that, gave me a specialness I could never achieve on my own.

"If we are going to work toward that goal then I have to ask you to do something you are going to hate."

"You want me to tell you about my assault."

"Yes, you don't have to get detailed but I do need to know the basics so I can move forward to getting you to a point of achieving your goal. "

Closing my eyes I took a few deep breaths. Sitting up I motioned him to get into "our position." Understanding instantly he moved for me to lay on him. Steeling myself I found the courage to tell him, of course I could tell him. I trusted him. Will has given me no reason not to trust him and even let me inside his body. If anyone deserves to know, it's him.

"It was in a locker room. I was dressing after PE. Some guy from the football team was teasing me. Calling me a fag and just being a total asshole. I ignored him. He didn't like that. Before I could get my pants up he pushed me, I fell on the bench. Holding me down with one hand by my neck I felt him pull my underwear down. I heard him spit and I felt it hit me. Then he shoved himself in me. I don't know how long it was. It was short I do know that. After he was done he spit in my face and left me there. Telling me that if I told on him he would kill me. I just stayed there frozen. The gym teacher found me, I hadn't moved to cover myself and I was bleeding apparently. He called 911. I didn't have to tell them what happened, they saw the guy leave on the camera in the hallway and matched his DNA with what he... left. I was in the hospital for a day getting stitches. I saw a regular therapist after that and he was charged and put away. He would get out when he was 18, so I moved across the country with Reyna. That way I wouldn't run into him. I found out last year he died. Drove drunk and killed himself off a backroad. It was the happiest day of my life when I heard that news. Which makes me an awful person."

"Nico, that doesn't make you a bad person. The kid hurt you. I'm not saying he deserved to die, but you deserve to feel safe."

"Well that's my story."

"It's a sad story. I hope I can help you."

"If anyone can help me, you can."

I felt him squeeze my waist with his hands. Will is the only one that can replace that monsters touch with something safe, something better. A sense of normality.

Only Will.