Author's Note: Happy Holidays! Your present is this chapter. YAY! Alright here you go Chapter Four- Never let your imagination die, CrazyMary01

Chapter Four- How I Really Feel

The water trickled down my back as I tried to get my heart beat under control. I picked the razor up, and brought it to my already bloody wrist. I had made multiple new cuts already and the ones on my arms from this morning were cut back open. I shuddered at the pleasure the Razor was giving me. All a sudden the door flew open and the shower curtain was pushed aside. Logan grabbed my arms and through me over his shoulder, not even bothering to look at the pain he had inflicted.

"Let me go asshole!" I screamed.

"Sorry Kenny. No can do." He replied throwing me on my bed. He went into the bathroom. Shutting off the water, and he returned with a towel from the supply closet. He knelt down beside me, and took my wrist.

"Let me at least put on some clothes. I'm stark naked here."

"Kendall I've seen your junk before. This is more important than you wearing clothes."

"It's winter in Minnesota, if I get sick because of the temperature in this damn house it's on you."

"Fine put on some fucking clothes and get back here." I got up from where I sat on the bed. Why was I even listening to him? What I needed to do was get away with a razor and slit my throat or the artery in my wrist which ever makes me die quicker. I grabbed a pair of boxers out of the dresser along with some pajama pants.

"Kendall hurry up I need to take care of you." My heart clenched. I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream and ask him just what the hell he was doing to me. Why was he doing this to me? It was bad enough he knows how I feel about him. "Kendall," he screamed, "stop standing there looking at the pajama pants and put them on."

"Why are you doing this Logan?" I asked

"Because I'm your best friend."

"Last time I checked best friends don't sleep with my fifteen year old sister. She just started high school Logan. Were Juniors for Christ Sake?"

"Look I'm sorry I didn't know sleeping with your sister was any worse than cutting yourself for the past three years."

"Two and a half."

"Whatever Kendall. It doesn't make a difference how long."

"Please Logan this just hurts me more just please get out."

"Forget it. There's no way I'm leaving" My eyebrows scrunched together in frustration. I was beginning to get pissed.

"Why do you care?"

"I care a shit load Kendall. "You're my best friend I don't know what I would ever do without you." I heard a sob escape his throat "Kendall please," There were tears in his eyes now. I would be lying if I had said that those tears didn't break my already shattered heart. However I didn't act. I had become good at hiding my emotion the past two and half years, and I wasn't about to give in. I had to stand my ground. I could use the your my best friend card all he wanted.

Or least I think I'm still his best friend. I'm not so sure what you could call us anymore if that really could be the case. I mean I was pissed at him still for sleeping with my sister, and now he was lying this. I looked away from him and looked down at my arm to see that it was still a bloody mess.

"Fine don't answer me, but get your shoes on. Some of those cuts might need stiches." He screamed grabbing his keys off my bed.

"It'll heal just fine. You didn't give me enough time to cut an artery."

"What do you mean I "didn't give you enough time"?" He asked "Kendall what were you about to do in there?

"Does it matter?"

"Well yeah I think it does"

"Well if I wanted to cut an artery open what do you think?"

"Kendall," he sobbed. "Why, why?" His knees went week and he feel to the floor. His eyes held fear in them but now it was a different reason.

"Do you not remember what I told you before I ran into the shower?" He thought for a minute there on the floor wiping the fresh tears from his eyes. He averted his eyes to my face when suddenly everything clicked and I saw a light bulb go off in his head.

"K-Kendall."

"Look I know you don't feel the same way okay, but it doesn't feel great to know the man that that- That you're in love with sleeps around with anything that doesn't have a dick. And as I said before how I survived was knowing all those girls didn't really mean anything to you. That is of course until I figured out you had sex with Katy. More than once that is. There's no way Katy could've only been a casual fuck. You treat her to much like family. So now I know that maybe even some of the other girls you slept with you may have generally cared about. It hurts knowing that you can't feel that way about me Logan." I had tears in my eyes now. Even after I had fought so hard to hold them back, it made me feel weak. "I get it okay you're not gay, and there's no way you can ever feel like that about me, I just- I don't know what to do anymore. But I can't go on living craving for something that I can't have. However it makes everything harder when I have constantly be in your presence. That's why I started cutting, and now that you know how I feel I just- there's no reason to live because you'll know that I'm pretending to be happy for you and whatever slut you have next." I took a deep breathe, and ran my hand through my wet hair to collect myself.

"I just I don't want to do anymore Logan. I'm sick of this." I screamed "I don't want to love you."

"Kendall I do generally care about you." He said. He was crying to. At least I wasn't the only one breaking because if this.

"Not the way I want you too." I replied. "I have to get out of here." I said running. Nowhere in particular I just was hoping maybe my wanted death would be waiting for me where ever it was.

Author's Note: Please review I'm not so sure how I feel about this chapter. I feel like I made Kendall just take over the scene just a little too much. Well until next time- Never Let your imagination die, CrazyMary01