Author's Notes: Finally gotten around to another shot. This one is REALLY rated mature for adult situations.
"I don't like you like that."
Rey was afraid of the impact that her words were going to have on him, but she had to tell him the truth. She didn't like him in the way that he liked her and he needed to know so that he could move on. Find someone else to like.
Whatever she expected this wasn't it. He shifted from one foot to the other and looked off into the distance and then at the ground... back to some distant place. It was as awkward for him as it was for her it appeared.
"Okay." He answered then and turned to leave.
"Okay?" She questioned. "You're not going to get angry?"
She never thought that she would want to see Ben Solo get angry and have one of his tantrums, but anything was better than this. It was the look on his face that bothered her so much. It was so blank. So empty. It was almost worse than if he were to look upset or hurt. Of course she didn't want him to be hurt or upset. That was the furthest thing from what she wanted.
"No." And with that he didn't wait for another question and walked away from her. He left her standing there stunned.
There was something along the lines of guilt building up. It was that uneasy feeling that made one's stomach churn. Maybe she shouldn't have said anything at all? What if he reacted later? What if he hurt someone because of what she said?
She could do nothing, but wait and see.
Weeks passed and none of her fears turned to fruition. The only thing that happened was that Ben Solo no longer lost his temper with people. In fact he didn't show any emotion at all anymore. He had withdrawn so far into himself that even Luke began to confess his worries to Lor San Tekka.
And she felt it was her fault. She knew that she had to do something... try something to try and rectify that. She waited until after classes to approach him.
"Ben... can you help me study?" It was odd or anything. He was her senior. He had more knowledge than her. He had taken these classes and passed with flying colors.
"What?" His voice came out low and quiet, but the confusion that was there was very obvious. He furrowed his brow and then looked down at the ground.
"I can find someone else... I understand why you wouldn't want to." She didn't actually need the help. She was just trying to figure out some way to try and make him feel better. Maybe if she talked to him about things she could make him understand.
"No... I'll help you." He hurried to correct her misconception.
Awkward. She thought as she followed him back to his room. He was so awkward. Maybe that was the problem he had with other people. It wasn't so much his temper. It was that he was so very awkward.
His room was an attic room in Luke's personal home here at the academy grounds. It wasn't because Luke had tried to store him away or anything like that. It was because Ben was a recluse. It seemed there was a lot she didn't know about him. She wondered how he could be happy in such a small room with only one window. He seemed comfortable though.
It was so empty. It almost felt like a prison, but it was by his own making. That told her that he liked things sterile. Grey walls, beige carpet... mattress on the floor shoved up against the single window which blocked out some of the light. A desk... and that was it. That was all there was to his room.
"I actually thought your room would be a little more... full?"
"With what?" He asked while taking a seat on his bed. "Attachments are forbidden."
"Ben, I don't think... you're meant to take it quite that far. You can have a few nice things that make you happy as long as you don't put their value above everything else." She realized that he didn't quite like her suggestion and decided it was best if she stayed quiet. "I just thought... you might like something to liven up your room... that's all."
It seemed that just made things even more awkward. Here he was helping her and she had come in and likely insulted his living space.
"What subject did you need help with?" He finally broke the silence.
"Oh." Right. She hadn't thought she would get this far and she needed to think something up right away. He was so strict. She knew exactly what she would say that would sound believable. "The doctrine. I'm so... messy in my understanding of it."
"I can tell." He answered with a stoic expression. She grimaced. Right. Of course he would say that. Moving over he made room for her on the bed and she cautiously took a place next to him and handed him her datapad. "Where are you most confused?"
"Uhm..." Right. Now what? She was just winging it as she went along.
"I'll start at the beginning then." With a little sigh and powered on the datapad and scrolled to the doctrine section. It was at the beginning. "I am an instrument of peace. Where there is hatred I shall bring love. Where there is injury, pardon. Where there is doubt, faith. Where there is despair, hope. Where there is darkness, light. And where there is sadness, joy."
Rey titled her head to the side a little as she listened to him. She knew it well enough, but he spoke with a certain sort of conviction. She felt like maybe she was seeing Ben Solo for the first time, because this wasn't the same man that attended classes at the academy.
"I will make sure all my choices are grounded in reason and compassion, not in fear or prejudice. I will oppose the use of torture and cruel or unusual punishment." He continued on.
She wondered if his voice had always been this deep and soothing or if she was only noticing it just now. He wasn't what everyone said he was... he wasn't what she had initially thought he was. He was so much more than that and he had liked her... and she hurt him.
"Ben..."
"The Three Tenets. Wisdom. Knowledge. Focus-"
"Ben." She tried again to draw him out of his speech and he shook his head.
"What? Do I need to repeat something? We still have The Sixteen Teachings and the Twenty-One-mmm!" His words were cut off when she kissed him. It was intoxicating. All consuming and for a moment he gave in. Returned her kiss with equal intensity. Then he quickly drew away. "No... Rey... I pledged myself to the Jedi path with all its duties and responsibilities. I-I... promised to uphold the Jedi teachings... and t-to live a life worthy of a Jedi. This is... this... it's wrong."
"You admitted to me that you liked me before... and I just hurt your feelings in return." Rey wasn't really sure what she was doing here. It wasn't what she had intended. She had come to try and help him work through it not dig him in deeper. "I think you still like me."
"Jedi must not have wants." His voice cracked slightly. "We've sworn to celibacy."
"Am I wrong?" She wanted to know if she should back out now.
"No." He admitted guiltily. "I liked kissing you..."
"That isn't wrong."
"Rey... you didn't come here because you needed help did you?" Of course he had caught on and that made him shift uncomfortably. He wasn't sure what he should think about this and so he scrolled through the datapad briefly to see if there was anything. Maybe her math needed a little work, but... he didn't see anything.
"No." She answered and reached to take her datapad away from him to set it aside. "I didn't come here for this either. I just... wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have been so cold about it."
He didn't move or say anything for several moments, but he then inched a little closer to her and brought his hands up to hold her face as he tilted his head to the side and kissed her. It started off as simple and then her hands were in his hair and the kiss deepened. He wasn't sure who did it. Her or him. They were likely both guilty.
He was burning up. He was on fire. Every inch of his skin was crying out and aching for her touch. He inhaled sharply through his nose and dragged his tongue along her lips. It was pure instinct and the little gasp that left her parted her lips enough for him to slip inside.
It wasn't meant to happen like this, but here they were getting carried away. He drew back suddenly and shifted again with a grimace. It was only a momentary distraction before he moved to kiss her again, but she stopped him.
"Wait, what's wrong?"
"Nothing..." He tried and made another attempt to pick up from where he left off. She wouldn't have it. She kept her hands against his chest. He placed a hand against the source of many of his problems in an attempt to hide himself. "I'm sorry... I've tried to control myself, but I can't."
"Oh." Rey moved her hands down to find the waist of his pants. The Academy still taught the specifics of how the body worked. She wasn't ignorant to it. She would be lying if she said she wasn't having a reaction to him. She slipped her fingers into the waist of his pants. "Can I?"
His jaw went slack and he could only nod, because yes he was weak and he so badly wanted her to touch him. Rey had to bite her lip when she slipped her hand inside and felt him. There was so much of it that it was intimidating, but he was a very big man and what else had she been expecting?
Right. He was waiting patiently. She traced her fingers up the underside and found he was surprisingly smooth. Warm. Almost hot. She felt him twitch beneath her fingers and realized he was still waiting. The only problem was she didn't know exactly what to do.
"I don't-"
"It's fine." He replied pressing his mouth over hers again before he reached to untie her robes and she let him. They had already crossed a line. Once they were open he shoved them apart and spread his hand out along her stomach. His hand was so large it took up nearly the entire expanse of her stomach.
Sliding it up he cupped her breast and took her mouth with his again, drinking in the little sound she made. Shoving his hips forward into her hand he let out a huff of breath and then quickly reached down into his pants alongside her and squeezed her hand tightly around him.
Whatever control he'd had... if he'd had any at all was lost. He dragged his mouth across her jawline and placed kisses all the way down her neck, painted a wet line with his his tongue down over her collar bone and then lower where he took her breast into his warm mouth and sucked with a deep groan.
She gasped and brought up both hands to entangled into his hair. It was too much. Almost more than she could bare.
It was like a silent agreement between them. They both knew they couldn't wait any longer and with that thought in mind he slid his hands down her stomach and into the waist of her pants to pull them down her thighs. She laid back and allowed him to pull them the rest of the way off and toss them aside.
He moved up onto his knees as she sat up to help him tug down on his pants, managing to get them halfway down to let him free and give him some relief from being restrained. He didn't even finish pulling them off and placed his hands against her thighs, spreading them so he could settle in-between them.
Except she panicked and quickly tried to close them, but only ended up accidentally banging her knee into his ribs. He let out a little grunt and quickly glanced up to her face. She could see his fears there, but she slowly loosened up and allowed him to continue. He still hesitated for a moment to be sure.
He slid his hand down between them and brushed his fingers between her thighs and then he closed his eyes and let out a little breath when he felt just how wet she was. That coupled with the knowledge that she was like this because of him pushed him over the edge. There was no possible way he could wait any longer. Gathering it up on his fingers he smoothed them over himself to make things a little easier.
While he did that Rey did her best to struggle with shaking hands and untie the front of his robes, because she wanted to touch him. The nerves were getting to her, but she wasn't going to back out now. No. That would be impossible.
Successfully getting them untied she slipped her hands inside and pressed her fingertips to his bare chest. There were a few times when she had felt his muscles during sparing, but it was through his clothing and she hadn't thought that much of it. Now it took on an entirely different meaning.
She felt him press the tip at her entrance. Her thoughts evaporated when he finally slipped inside of her. There was the initial pain, but at the same time it felt too good to focus on just the pain.
He let out a long, low groan of pure pleasure as he slipped in deeper. It was unbelievably good. So much so that she thought surely this had to be a dream. The head was so big… the flared crown so rigid that she felt each little pull as he shifted inside of her to try and work himself further inside. She was starting to doubt he could get any deeper.
"Ben, I don't think-"
"It's not-... you're too tense. Relax." He requested between gritted teeth. It was hard for her to tell if he was in pain as well.
"Does it hurt?"
"Not... like you think."
She let out a breath and again he shifted inside her... and that was when he slipped the last few inches inside. His long, drawn out groan went straight to the bottom of her stomach and she felt herself tensing around him. She could feel the edge of his head rubbing deep inside, hitting something she never even knew existed. Something that nearly had her sobbing with pleasure.
"Ben..." She reached up to grab him, sink her nails into his shoulders. She needed something to hold onto.
"Hurts?" He paused and she shook her head abruptly, because she couldn't stand it if he stopped even for a minute.
"No. It's good." She squeezed her thighs around his hips and shoved up into him. "It's so good."
She watched the way he licked his lips and then finally, finally started to actually rock into her instead of minor little shifts. He was a little too overzealous in his thrusting because he kept slipping out. It might not help that she was absolutely soaked. Her wetness had already started running down her thighs.
"Rey..." He pressed back into her with a little groan and tried to learn how to move in her properly. She supposed that this was a learning process as well. Like training.
He leaned over her a placed his mouth over hers. His kisses were surprisingly gentle at first and then as he sped up his thrusts into her and slid a hand down her thigh to pull it up higher so that he could get in even deeper he took advantage of her little mewl and slipped his tongue in.
His little growl as he slipped deeper left her breathless... had her trembling and clenching around him... had her seeing stars and he still ground into her through it, drawing it out.
As she came down from her high she was a little more aware of things. She was much more aware of the little grunt at the end of each stroke and the way that he leaned over her further to kiss her again. From the sounds of it she almost thought he was enjoying it more than her. If that was even possible.
"I love you." His words came out strained and she felt her breath catch in her throat. How was she meant to react to that? It was a big leap from him admitting he liked her. As much as she wanted to try and figure out what to say she didn't have enough time to work through it.
It didn't take long for things to build up again. He started to grind in and out with short, deep strokes, keeping mostly buried in her. He was gradually perfecting the art.
It hit her harder than ever. She cry out in disbelief as she feel a third building up inside. A few strokes later, it let go - leaving her breathless and seeing stars once more. She spasmed around him and he cursed under his breath.
A particularly vulgar obscenity. That was new. He hadn't ever been one to use language like that.
She noticed that his breathing was heavier and raspy now as he began long, deep strokes. It was then she realized he was having a difficult time. He was getting frustrated. She drew her knee up a bit to try and give him better access, lightly bumped his ribs in passing and his unfocused gaze met hers.
Another curse.
"We can slow down..."
"It's fine." He insisted.
Despite what he said Rey could tell something was wrong. She slid her hands into his hair and pulled him down to kiss him gently, try and do something... anything for him. She wasn't sure how long he kept trying, but noticed that by now he was absolutely drenched in sweat.
"You can't... can you?" She asked carefully and he slowed down considerably at her words, tried for another few minutes and then he finally did give in and stop moving altogether.
"I'm sorry..."
"Am I-"
"No." He placed a kiss against the corner of her mouth. "Sweetheart, you feel so good and I want to so badly, but I just... can't. It isn't you. It's me."
With a final kiss he drew back from her and she winced a little as he separated from her. She painstakingly straightened her legs and brought them together. It was a little strange, a little awkward and a little uncomfortable.
"There's nothing I can do?" She wished that she could do something, but right now she was too afraid to touch him for fear of making things worse on him.
"No. I'm sorry."
"You keep apologizing."
He parted his lips and looked like he was about to apologize again, but then he immediately snapped his mouth shut and decided to be silent. He snatched up the blanket that had managed to make it's way to the bottom of the bed and pulled it up over his lap. It didn't make it less obvious, but it certainly made him feel less exposed. A little less embarrassed.
"I just need a minute."
"You feel guilty don't you?" She asked and he frowned slightly and glanced away. That was her answer. "You don't need to..."
"If we were to be caught... you would lose your apprenticeship because of me."
"Ben, I'm the one that came into your room and forced myself on you."
"Forced? Hardly..." He hadn't taken much convincing at all. He was a little ashamed of that in and of itself. "I... I've broken my oath. I let you break yours."
"Because of me." She couldn't bring herself to feel guilty about breaking one rule. Especially not a ridiculous rule like this. Falling in love with someone shouldn't be a crime.
"Because you felt guilty." That hit home. He wasn't wrong. She did come here because she felt guilty, but she had kissed him for another reason altogether. She let out a little breath. He really did know more than he let on. "And I took advantage of it."
"Don't... don't even act like I can't make my own decisions. You only took what I gave." It must have been her tone, because he immediately shrank back and didn't even try to put up an argument against her.
"I just... don't want there to be repercussions for you."
"There won't be. Nobody needs to know about this. It belongs between us. Not the council. Not Luke. Us." She watched as he folded his hands in his lap uneasily. At least he his problem had disappeared. She supposed his guilt had made that easy enough. She reached forward and placed her hand over his. "It's okay, Ben. I really do like you. We haven't done anything wrong."
"Can you stay...?" His voice was low and he looked guilty just for asking.
"I'll stay."
With just a minute or two of him trying to decide he finally made his choice and shifted close enough to her so that he could wrap his arms around her. A hug wasn't really what she was expecting from him, but he really was something else. Like a pond. Murky and impossible to see through on the surface. Underneath there were so many amazing things.
He was warm and comforting. She decided that... she could get used to this. She only hoped that she was going to be able to help him get over his fears and his guilt. No. She vowed she would.
Author's Notes: Ben has a problem. It is a real thing actually called anorgasmia. It is often caused by psychological factors. In this case it's fundamentalism's sex-negativity.