Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine! The song is Absence of Fear by Jewel.

Warnings: Angst, Shounen ai.

Part Four: Only Lonely

Inside my skin there is this space

It twists and turns

It bleeds and aches

Inside my heart there's an empty room

It's waiting for lightning

It's waiting for you

And I am wanting

And I am needing you here

Inside the absence of fear.

Closing the bathroom door, he locked it behind him and sagged against it at last. He was shaking, trembling like a terrified horse. Naruto was scared of Uchiha Itachi all right, but he had no idea he was this scared of him. The sheer force of his presence was astounding and had affected him in a way he hadn't thought possible.

He was a weakling, a coward, and he felt horribly ashamed of himself. He had shown just how pathetic he really was. Although Genma was a friend, and a good one, he was still terrified of showing him how weak he was.

With a tight throat and an aching stomach, he shed his clothing and stepped into the shower. Turning it on to full blast, he closed his eyes as hot water hit his body. Water ran through his hair and over his face, but he made no move to wipe it from his eyes.

Could things get any worse? He knew he should be happy just to be alive, but it wasn't that easy sometimes. At times like this he felt as if he was floundering in a thick grey fog of misery, unable to see anything or move forward.

He had no idea why Itachi had evoked such a reaction from within him, but once again, he felt depression fold him in it's cold, clammy blanket. His throat was painfully tight now, and he was struggling not to cry.

He missed his father; he was nineteen and he still missed his father. It had been four long years, and he wanted him back. Naruto wanted to feel safe and normal again. To breathe in his fathers comforting and familiar scent and to live once more.

But there was no going back. He could only struggle on without him, and try to build a normal life for himself.

Steam drifted away to hover near the ceiling, and Naruto slowly soaped himself over and rinsed off. Sweat and dust ran away down the drain, but he still felt dirty. Unclean somehow. He was a lowlife, undeserving of all he had. Naruto had a job he loved, friends who he loved and who loved him in return, and a place he could call home. Yet he was falling apart again. He was falling, clutching desperately at an illusion of normality. Whenever things seemed like they were getting better at last, something would happen which pushed him back down into the black depths of despair and guilt. It was a never-ending cycle, and he didn't know what he could do to save himself.

Perhaps he deserved what he got. Maybe this was his punishment and everything that had happened was because of his crime and his sin.

A soft knock on the door made him jump.

"Naruto?" Sakura called. "Is every thing okay in there?"

"Everything's fine." He replied quickly as he turned off the water.

"I'm leaving some clothes for you outside the door okay? Come out whenever you're ready."

"Thank you, Sakura-chan."

"No problem."

He listened to her walk away as he stepped out of the shower and onto the bathmat. His eyes caught on a razor on the vanity and he stared, he wrists tingling with imagined pain. He longed for that pain; it reminded him that he was still alive, and that it was his punishment for what he had done. Running his fingers over the thin scars on his wrists, he contemplated the idea.

If only he could…

Swallowing thickly, he turned away. He didn't want to walk down that path again. He was afraid of where it might take him and of what he might do. Naruto didn't want to hurt the others around him. He had already caused too much pain.

Naruto dried himself off quickly and retrieved the pile of neatly folded clothes Sakura had left. He pulled on the dark denim jeans and the long sleeved black top and quickly dried his wet hair. Never had he worn short-sleeved shirts around his friends, but he knew they suspected the reason why. He hid his arms, his wrists in particular from the world, ashamed. His own dirty little secret.

Dinner that night was a low-key affair, lacking its usual cheerful chatter and the laughter was muted. All in all, the atmosphere was oppressive and Naruto wanted nothing more than to escape to his room again.

Genma kept shooting him worried looks, but he didn't say anything. Naruto wanted to shrink under the table to avoid his looks. He felt very small and humiliated about the incident this afternoon.

Eventually Kakashi stood up. "We should get back. C'mon guys."

With groans and grumblings, the stable hands all stood and filed out. Naruto was the last to stand, and was about to follow when Iruka caught his arm.

"Come and see me sometime tomorrow, ne? We'll have coffee and talk." Iruka whispered with a warm smile.

Naruto smiled back. Iruka always seemed to know when things weren't going well, and spending time with him always made Naruto feel a little better. In a way he supposed Iruka was a kind of foster parent for the ones he'd lost.

"I'll try, Ruka."

He nodded and squeezed his shoulder. "Don't let tonight stress you out too badly. You'll be fine." He smiled.

Naruto nodded and hurried after the others. Outside in the gardens, Shikamaru was waiting for him.

"Kakashi wants to talk to you as soon as possible."

"Right." He fell in step beside his friend. He often enjoyed spending time with Shikamaru. The man was very laid back and relaxed, and seemed to have a calming effect on even the most temperamental creatures. It was a quality that was extremely useful when working with horses. Things could get rather hectic and stressful when working with animals, horses in particular, and such an attitude was always beneficial.

"Naruto," Shikamaru's voice jerked him from his pensive gloom.

"You think too much."

That simple statement took him by surprise and threw his thoughts into a confused turmoil. Eventually, when he couldn't make any sense of his friends word, he had to ask.

"What do you mean?"

Shikamaru sighed. "You over think things. It doesn't have to be as hard as you're imagining it to be. Your own thoughts drive you to distraction and you lose sight of what's really important.

"And what's that?" Naruto bit his lip and glanced at Shikamaru.

"No one can make you feel small unless you let them. So stop being so afraid of everyone and remember that you're a person too. Just like the Uchiha's and just like we are. You're not beneath anyone. Not the uchiha's, not anyone."

Naruto's jaw almost dropped in shock. Not only was he surprised but the amount of words he had said, but he had never guessed that he was so…wise. He was so laid back that everyone assumed he was a little slow in the head. As it turned out, he was exactly the opposite. He was abnormally smart- Naruto had always known that. What he hadn't guessed was that the lazy, bored exterior was just a façade. Shikamaru was obviously the type to sit back and observe. He watched what happened around him and only drew his own conclusions about something when he had all the facts.

Felling humbled by his friends words, he smiled at him.

"Am I that transparent?"

A corner of Shikamaru's mouth twitched, relieving the tension and indicating his amusement as he folded his arms behind his head and looked up at the brightening stars.

"To me, yes. To others, not so much."

Naruto felt some of the tension drain out of his stomach and let his shoulders sag a little. It would be very embarrassing if he'd been trying to hide his misery only to have everyone see through his efforts and know the truth.

"Thank you, Shika. I'll think about what you've said." He promised.

"Good. Now we'd better hurry. I think that's Tenten waving at us." Shikamaru squinted down the road through the near darkness. The lights had not come on yet, so it was easy to trip and stumble on the road.

"SHIKAMARU! NARUTO!" Tenten called, her irritation evident.

"Tch. So troublesome." Shikamaru groused, not speeding up at all.

Upon hearing those shouted words, Naruto felt his nervous tension return, tightening his shoulders and causing butterflies to dance in his stomach. In fact, he had actually begun to feel a little sick. He couldn't bring himself to think about what was coming.

"Shikamaru! I swear…" Tenten's threat echoed hollowly in the open space around them, but they fell on deaf ears; Naruto was lost in his own thoughts again, and his mind barely registered Shikamaru's sigh.

I think this just may be the shortest chapter I've ever posted! I decided to make this one shorter because in the next chapter, Sasuke arrives and I figured that should have a chapter all of it's own! Wow! I got heaps of reviews for the last chapter! THANK YOU ALL! I promise to reply to all your reviews this time!

By the way, if Naruto seems a little too wimpy in this chapter, don't worry. This will improve in the next few chapters! I think its just a case of misconception of his behalf!

Hope you all enjoyed reading, and I promise to update really soon!

Ja Ne!