Chapter 4

I felt him smile against my lips before he pressed in gently but pulled back soon after and all physical contact broke. It was like I suddenly lost one of the major senses. As if suddenly I had lost my sight or something. His eyes were stormy and they held me to their depths.

"Don't call me sir again Raven." He commanded and picked up my jacket where he felt around for a moment. He pulled out my tablet phone and raised an eyebrow as he turned it over looking at the fact that it is a very new version; her started typing something into it and handed both back to me. He brushed my face gently with one knuckle then stepped away and moved past me to go back to the training area. We had been in a relatively secluded section of the training room that I go to and warm up since it is out of view. I looked around and then stepped out of the area we had been in.

I am sure I must look shaken up or distressed in some way. Hopefully the others would think it was just because of what was going on between Shane and I. Speaking of Shane I needed to go verbally end things with him.

Astrid, Lex, Scott and Hector came up to me and they all gave me hugs. Lex was the first to speak "That was fucking epic Raven. He didn't even know what hit him. Talk about break ups, that was the best one ever!"

Scott laughed "Yeah it was pretty cool. Not about the breakup part but just your moves in general. They were so fast I almost couldn't follow them."

Hector had his big cheesy smile. "So this means you get to celebrate now. I am sure Zeke will be throwing a party in honor of it."

I shrug "Hopefully not tonight. I just want to decompress and get my head right. I mean I just ended a two year relationship so there are some things I need to think about."

Astrid hugged me again "We understand completely. Partying can wait for tomorrow. What are you doing now?"

I shrugged "I think I will go grab a shower and use up all of the hot water."

Astrid gave me a worried glance that was turning a bit panicked. "You are going to see him aren't you?"

I sigh. Leave it to Astrid to read me. "I need to say the words so he gets it. You know him Astrid. He can be stubborn and thickheaded." She frowned but hugged me then walked off frowning and I sighed. I turned to Hector and Scott since their last fights were today. All the rest of our friends had already completed theirs.

"Hec remember the plan for Gale. You two are already evenly matched so you need to either draw him in and switch or switch the moment he goes into a big offensive. Scott you haven't faced Alec before since he is a transfer but he is Erudite and I am sure he has a plan of some kind. He has been watching carefully. Go immediately into the new style because he won't have prepared a counter for that." I said worriedly. They are doing good in rankings but I don't like seeing any of my friends hurt.

Hector put his arm around me and pulled me in for a hug "Don't worry about us Raven. We have all been working hard on this." He frowned and locked eyes with me. "I don't like you going to see Shane on your own Raven. I don't trust him at all and he has shown to be a sore loser."

"She isn't going so you don't need to worry about that." Eric's voice said coldly from behind us and Hec and I turned to face him. Four and Eric were there beside Astrid and I closed my eyes.

"Oh Astrid, you didn't. He isn't going to hurt me in front of everyone." I sighed as I looked at her. She had tears in her eyes.

A tear falls and I growl and pull her into my arms in a hug as she chokes out "You didn't see his eyes when he locked that door Raven. He was going to kill you. He couldn't stand that you had won and he just flipped. You couldn't breathe Raven! He almost crushed your trachea and ribs and kept stomping on you. The only reason he stopped was because you started to fight through it all and I had to watch that from the other side and not being able to help. I know even then you weren't trying to kill him, but I wish you would have Raven. With every fucking fiber of my being I wish you hadn't stopped. You almost didn't make it in time."

I soothed her by running my hand along her hair. "I was a born fighter Astrid and I was always going to win. It wasn't that bad I made it out in one day."

She pushed back and glared at me. "Don't fucking lie anymore Raven! Only because your father or someone authorized you to be injected with two bags of nano-serum there and then more at the hospital Raven so don't try and lie to me. I was there when they administered it while you were out. Even I know what that means, you were going to die if they didn't."

I sighed as I saw Hector and Scott pale and Astrid bordering on a panic attack. "I won't go at least not on my own, but he has to hear the words too. I need to face him and tell him. I…" I have to stop and run my hands over my face. "I can't let myself not face my demons head on and tell them to their faces that they won't rule my life anymore. And no he wasn't a demon in a literal sense." I rolled my eyes at Lex's face. "Jesus Lex, get a grip. Our whole relationship was based on the self-worth that my father set for me. That girl is long gone and I want him to realize that we are done, if there ever really was a 'we' to begin with. I won't go see him alone I promise."

Astrid hugs me close and Scott, Lex and Hector all join in until we finally break apart. I look to Scott and Hec again. "Head in the game guys. I don't want to see a scratch on you and if you do have one there better be a damn good reason why."

They nod and Four motions with his head to them as he stands there angrily looking at me. Eric isn't any better but I concentrate on Four.

His hands were at his side and clenched along with his jaw. "You aren't leaving the training room and we will also be talking about why you lied to me about when you got hurt. Hurt enough to end up in the Erudite Med Center. Hurt bad enough they hooked you up to the most expensive treatments anyone can have and that are reserved for those not expected to recover without it. You told me a different story and I need to know why you lied to me like that Raven."

"I didn't like lying to you Four but Shane's father is a senior member of Erudite. I knew what you would do if I told you the truth. You would have walked right out that control room and went to his room to finish what I started. I was protecting you as much as I could without keeping it from you completely. You already wanted to finish it off and only Tris being here with you kept you from going after him." I replied softly.

"Bullshit Anna, and I don't give a crap what name I am calling you…" he snarled as my eyes flashed in anger at him. "...because you need to know how pissed off I am right now. How could you stay with him after all of that?"

My jaw clenches and my tone went to ice. "I would have thought you of all people Tobias, would understand the mind of someone that has been conditioned from childhood to think that it was their fault. I believed when he said he didn't mean it and it was only when I started to break free from all of that crap and discover myself that I began to see different. To finally tell myself, holy shit, that isn't how that works at all. My Aunt, Astrid, Tris and you helped and he never touched me like that again. The day I came here it sealed it for me when I saw how MY hard work was paying off. How long did it take you to truly break free Tobias?" I sneer at him as it dawns on him and he relaxes a bit. I shake my head "Years of all that crap won't disappear in an instant but I am damn close to it. I for sure will never let anyone treat me like that ever again."

Four crossed the distance between us and pulled me in a hug which was a big deal because he didn't do that in public "You are stronger than I could ever be Raven. Remember that would you. Who took my father down in fucking Erudite when he came after me? You tackled and knocked him out when you were 12. I would never have even thought to run away or fight back until I thought you were in danger. You pointed me to Dauntless and showed me what a fucking true Dauntless was. And remember that you were the only family I had for years Raven. I almost lost you that day and to find out why, can you understand why that is hard?"

I bury my head in his chest "I do and it scared me to leave you and them behind. It was what helped me fight through it. I saw your faces and there was no pain that could touch me. It was the day I truly found the void and now I know what I am capable of."

He pulls away and lets out a relieved sigh "Just don't go near him and try not to be alone with him until we know how he is going to react. I don't think I have ever said this but I so fucking wish we were doing cuts. You know you deserve so much better than him, but at least you are done with him."

I snort "Yeah well, he is doing just good enough that he would probably squeak by." Four nods "As far as what I deserve." I frown in thought. "I don't know what I deserve and I think it is kind of…I don't know. I don't want to set expectations of what a person is worth based on who they are with; if that makes sense. You love who you love and sometimes you get a shitty deal. Sometimes you get a good one." I toss a glance to Tris and give him a pointed look

"But the one thing I think I do know out of all the shit I have seen is that it's not realistic to think that you will always have a happy ever after. People are flawed and you accept them for who and what they are and if you can't then you leave because you will only make yourself and the other person miserable. That is about all I figured out about relationships. Oh and that I am shitty about talking about my feelings. Like just in fucking general I really suck about talking about feelings. Highly fucking overrated in my opinion. I know girls are supposed be all the fuck about it but I think I would rather take a fucking ice pick to my eye. Much better use of my time." I finish with that sarcastic rant.

He snorts at the last bit. "You don't have to tell me that I have known that since you were 9. Pest."

I smirk "Nag. We done here? I was going to go take an absurdly long shower but I think I want to stay."

Four looks thoughtful but Eric beats him to it. "You can stay. Hell I might even see if I can take a look at that obstacle course I have never heard about until earlier." He shrugs and Four glares at him then looks at me worriedly after he sees my grin of excitement.

Four shook his head "You have literally been training from practically dawn to almost lights out ever since Dee, Raven. Take the time off. This was the biggest worry and you got past it."

I sighed with a pout. "But I like firing guns and shit. That is sort of my new addiction now that I can do it more often. Do you know the fucking rush I get with the obstacle courses we have gone through? Upside down firing at targets. Practically shiver fucking inducing." I smirk at his embarrassment and laugh.

He pushes me towards the mats to watch the fights and laughs at me. "You aren't getting another gun for three days at least Raven. Deal with it."

"Killjoy" I mutter and pout as I walk to the mats where Four is already calling the fighters.

Eric walks beside me as I move to lean on a big square metal pillar that allows me to see the ring and everyone gathered around it. He takes up a spot near me and leans against it with his back completely pressed to it and close enough to brush against my shoulder and my side. I look up at him and frown "Shouldn't you be…" I indicate closer to the ring with my eyes.

He shrugs "Someone has to make sure you don't go near the soon to be dead Shane Masters. But since you are going to be staying we can see your friend's matches." He said it casually but his tone was that cold calculating voice that instead being scared of it sent shivers down my spine.

I couldn't suppress the shiver from showing or the small smile that happened after. I am sure it looked almost feral or gleeful. I don't even bother trying going to my detached place right this moment since he would probably take it as insult and he has already seen more of me than I planned on ever letting him see.

He smirked and tilted his head as I shook my head to clear it. I turned my attention back to the group so I could look at the fight but everyone's reactions to it and how closely they observed.

We both watched the match, which was a Dauntless-born against a former candor I hadn't bothered to get to know.

"If I didn't know better I would say you are observing the others and how well they are watching what is going on." His tone of voice didn't coldness or the anger I saw he had earlier but just conversational.

I blink and look at him. "Well I am not going to lie and say that I am not. I just like to see who gives a shit and their reactions to the moves themselves. Sometimes you can catch them anticipating the moves beforehand. It's good to know those types of people in case you go against them in the future. You can bet they watched you and it might be good to change it up."

"Good observation. Not one we teach but you did mention you had prepared before coming here. I know Erudite are always pretty good observers but what made you think to look at the other's during other people's fights? Did your brother teach you that?" His head is tilted and I still can't read his eyes but his tone is still just conversational, and curious.

I snort and then look up at him and scoff. "No that would be using his brain and that isn't something Peter does often. Sure his aptitude said Erudite but Peter would never have made it there. He is smart, don't get me wrong he is just too impatient about everything. He makes a plan but then he doesn't have the patience to see it through. That is why he uses his brutality in fights and why that was the only way I learned at first. Makes me wonder how he even gets laid." I mutter that last part.

He chuckles a bit "Ok I have to ask what you mean about that last bit?"

I shrug "He gets impatient about everything and he just barges his way into things. I am not all that experienced." I blush without meaning to. "But even I know what foreplay is and he has no concept of doing something to make the other person enjoy anything much less sex I think. It's kind of the analogy of a bull in the china store. He goes in and wrecks shit and thinks he is a god."

Eric snorted with laughter, shaking his head he looked at me. "God I am going to use that shit on him, or just someone. Brutal has its uses but you can't rely on brute strength or you will be taken down in the least expected way."

My head was turned to the fight so my body was kind of facing his and I saw he stared at me intently and I knew his words had more meaning than just the face value. I looked up to see if I could figure out but as always I don't understand what he is thinking behind those depths.

He tilted his head and smiles "You never answered my question."

My brown furrows. "I take no risks they wouldn't be doing what I am. When I train for anything or workout I use my own shadow as my opponent in a manner of speaking. My last best time is the time to beat if running or doing the obstacle course. If I was able to do 40 suicides well then it becomes 50. If I know certain techniques currently I learn new ones that could beat my own. I am my worst critic and worst enemy in more ways than just what those saying are meant for."

I feel him slide closer pressing closer to me. I had put my jacket on and almost cursed myself because if I hadn't then his arms could be against mine.

Damn it Raven stop that! I love it when he wears his black sleeveless vest and the black t shirt that has the regular neckline. I can see is leadership tattoos and his arms and all their glorious muscled glory are free for me to look at. I still can't get over how much his forearms turn me on. With those interesting maze tattoos and the veins it is like I can't help but look.

"Raven, why did you start training even harder? To the point that you push yourself to exhaustion after Dee? And why did you reduce your portions?" He asked as he turned his head back to the match. Another Dauntless-born was up against Jason an Erudite transfer I had faced myself. He isn't as big but he is fast and tries to use that too much. He has never adapted to another style even with the extended training on the fighting techniques.

"It was a wakeup call of sorts I guess. I had been focused on my training before and didn't exactly think I was slacking off. I mean I have been in the top five the whole time, but…"

He grunts and frowns and says accusingly. "You should have been number one from the beginning."

I frown and give a small nod "I don't want to sound conceited or anything but it reminded me that I have worked for four years before even coming here and it felt like a disservice to myself to let any kind of slacking occur. I have the rest of my life for parties and Dauntless life but in the here and now I need to secure that future. I have to think about what kind of future I want that to be. My answer was a meaningful one. Going to the fence or factionless sector patrols are important but not the type of meaning I am searching for. I have goals and objectives and I can't meet those unless I can contribute in a real way here." I shrug and I see him look pleased about my answer.

"And I have always done the portion control but the fights came and I clamped down on any indulging. I promised Astrid that I would have a cheat day tomorrow. And I may go back to allowing myself a cheat meal or item a day. "

"Those are good reasons and I am glad you recognize that. But a couple of things you need to know. First, you cut back way too much, and yes I admit to watching. Keep your proteins higher and the nutrients that come with the actual meats are important. Especially if you are a Dauntless you are bound to bleed at some point and the irons and other nutrients that help with those losses are needed. I don't know what your vitamin regimen is but I see you with big handfuls of shit so you are taking something. Just keep all of that in mind."

I feel one of his fingers start to run up and down the soft cloth of my jacket "You should have been first Raven. I needed to know why you weren't. If you were purposely holding back to maybe boost a friend or some other reason, leadership needs to know since rankings don't solely affect the job placements. Keep on top of your health but I don't want to see you reducing your portions anymore unless told otherwise." He must have felt my tensing up because he growled. "This isn't about controlling you Raven it's about making sure that the top performer and top initiate as of this morning, hell I can pretty much promise your performance secured that ranking again, is keeping her health up and is giving it everything she has."

I let out a breath "I don't have issues following orders so don't think my…hesitancy was about that. The only thing I have ever been able to dictate between my former faction's ridiculous dictates, my Father and Peter has been my own body and the health of it. Thank you for explaining your request, but I don't expect that in the future."

My body tenses as I see Four and Tris talking to Hector and him nodding. "Hec is going next." I say and I know my worry is going to cloud my focus. "Damn it I didn't want to have to do this now that my fight is done." I mutter almost in an apology to Eric who looks at me and frowns but I am already starting.