Fan Fiction: "Dating for Dummies"
A/N: Oh…my…god! 83 reviews! THANK YOU! I LUV YOU ALL! This chapter is to my wonderful friends back home! Live it, love it, and breathe it!
Oh yeah I just remembered…I'm NEVER gonna take this story off! So long live dating tips from Kakashi-sensei!
A/N: Uh…yeah…Got a lot of reviews saying they want Shikamaru and Ino so…yeah when their chapters come up be afraid…be VERY afraid…
A/N: Sorry for the annoying long absence, blame writer's block! GOSH DARN YOU! Uh…gosh…?
Disclaimer: Don't own Naruto…period.
Tip 4: Hyuga Hinata
Hyuga, Hinata:
Pretty little Hyuga who's extremely shy (a little too shy…yup.), is seventeen years of age and has an inferiority complex since who knows when… (Complete opposite of Sasuke that's for sure…)
"…! E-eh! O-oh Kakashi-sensei i-it's you."
Has a crush on… (Plays tape) "Konoha's Number One Ninja slash Hokage!"… (Stops tape), erm-yeah Naruto…right…, also a Byakugan user (I'll bet a dollar she does peek-a-boo with a certain dead-last…giggle)
"W-who are y-you t-talking to K-Kakashi-sensei…?"
Also…she is secretly the president of We-Hate-Squirrels Clu-
"HINATA-CHAN!"
Squish.
"N-Naruto…I think you killed Kakashi-sensei…"
Ow…
Rule Number 4 in Kakashi's sacred book of…stuff…:
Eight world wonder…Girl's MINDS!
Sarutobi Asuma's Top Hit List:
3. Kakashi
2. …Kakashi…
1. KAKASHI! Damn him…
The jounin tapped his sandaled foot on the grassy bank he was standing over. His dark eyebrow twitched ever so slightly to the sound of muffled familiar bickering. Oh Kakashi was going to get it SO bad… The bottom of his cigarette flared, Asuma was mad…no…more liked pissed off.
In the back of his dark, hell-bent mind a mini version of Asuma was stabbing a doll of some sort. Let's take a closer at this poor specimen.
And closer…
Closer…
Closer…
OH MY GOD! It's…it's a Kakashi-DOLL! With sick perverted action and lame late excuses included…available for a limited time.
Cough, cough…wow…ANYWAY!
Meanwhile with our wonderful Team 7…
"Why isn't Kakashi-sensei going to train us!" Naruto flail his arms around.
WHIP-POW!
"SHUT UP! It's your fault this happened anyway!" Sakura removed her fist from Naruto's unlucky cranium.
"Nu-uh."
"Ya-huh."
"Nu-uh."
"Ya-huh."
"NU-UH!"
"YA-HUH!"
"NOW YOU ALL JUST SHUT UP!"
Silence…
Sakura blushed slightly, "Sorry Sasuke-kun."
Sasuke shut his mouth and grinded his teeth, damn her and her innocent cuteness.
Oh you called her CUTE… (Inner Sasuke speaking)
'Dear god no…'
YES! I am BACK!
'Why you don't annoy someone else."
That would be nice but making fun of your misery is more fun.
'You…never mind just leave me alone.'
Someone's grumpy today…
'I wonder why.'
AND sarcastic too…I feel sorry for your friends.
'They're not my friends.'
Liar, liar plants for hire!
'Its pants on fire, dip-wad.'
Whatever, girlfriend!
'Did you just call me girlfriend?'
Ain't nothing like a bag of potato chips.
'…I'm outta here…'
EH? What I do!
Uchiha, Sasuke signing off.
"YO! Earth to evil chicken head! Are you there!" Naruto waved a hand in from of his face.
Sasuke brushed past Naruto and gripped Sakura's arm, "We're going to be late."
Sakura nodded.
"HEY! Don't LEAVE me! The great HOKAGE!"
"Erm right…All you little midget ninjas come here." Asuma waved his hand toward the group of chunnins.
"NOT A MIDGET!" Naruto shouted loudly.
"So troublesome." Nara Shikamaru put his hands behind his head.
Naruto directed his glare toward the lazy shinobi.
"S-sorry w-we're l-late…" Hinata fumbled with the string on her hoodie.
"HINATA-CHAN!"
Blush.
"N-Naruto-kun…"
"Can we please leave now?" Shino pushed his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose.
"Oh please! You just wanna talk to your little freaky buggy things." Ino gave a high-pitched squeal as…EVIL horde of mini-Shino bugs attacked.
"Ah right men! Attack the evil stupid blonde human!"
Mini ninja bug formations, "YEAH!"
"Midget ninjas…SHUT UP!"
And more silence…
Asuma-sensei coughed slightly and puffed a billow of smoke, "Listen here, I don't want to be around you little brats either but you need adult supervision so…SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLES!"
"Oh pie…what flavor?"
"Shut. Up. Choji."
"Hey Mr. Smoker-dude-person! Why do we need adult supervision! We're not some little kids!" Naruto waved his hand in the air to attract attention.
Poke.
"You little twerp that's the whole point, you kids are still underage and besides half of you have some kind of criminal record." Asuma poked Naruto in the forehead.
"Well why you Smoker dude?"
"Don't call me that. It wasn't MY idea. Everyone else is busy."
Naruto looked disbelieving, "Why not Iruka-sensei?"
"He's teaching a class, stupid."
Think.
"Kurenai-sensei?"
"Mission at the Waterfall Village."
Think, think.
"Kakashi-sensei?"
"You imbecile you almost decapitated him, remember?"
Think, think, think.
"OH! I know…Super Fuzzy Brows!"
"Do you REALLY want to be around THAT guy?"
Thin-BOOM!
Naruto's brain turned to mush!
"That's it?"
"That's it."
Silence of DOOM!
"Can we please go?"
Meanwhile in Kakashi's comfy, pain-free, not-a-single-noise, peaceful room…
"KAKASHI!"
Or…was peaceful and pain-free…
Shizune blinked ever so slowly; surely this was not the great Copy-Ninja Hatake Kakashi.
Blink.
Nah, the Copy Nin would be training the ever infamous Team 7 not sitting on his rear giggling oddly with several orange books littered around his hospital bed and stand.
Surely not.
But she had to look, just had to. It was nagging at her like one of Shino's bugs eating her insides away. Shizune could faintly recall a saying, what was it again…? Oh yeah…Curiosity killed the cat.
Tsunade had warned her before her usual errands around the hospital that some strange events were happening lately in Konoha. But Tsunade, of course, went on her daily drinking escapades the night before…so…yeah.
Now Shizune wasn't so sure anymore.
It wasn't as if this never happened before. I mean seriously…Konoha is a strange place. We got evil nine-tailed fox demons, psychopathic clans, weird bloodlines, ramen fetish, toads, snakes, slugs, OH and did I mention psychopathic clans.
Shizune sighed; it almost made her feel like an attraction at some freak show. But this…this was new.
Never in the history of Konoha has there been a matchmaker problem. Oh sure Shizune has seen the romantic tension between the young kunoichis and shinobis. She wasn't stupid unlike those little hormone-driven teenagers.
She just didn't think our own Hatake Kakashi would get his rear kicked for something like this.
"Oi! Shizune, why is it that you burst through my room?"
Shizune watched Kakashi briefly before bowing slightly, "It was nothing, just a little worried that's all."
Kakashi eyed her before leaning back, "Always the worry-wart. Always."
"Now listen here, I'm not in a good mood today. And I'm not your babysitter, I'm an elite ninja and if any of you midgets have any problems I suggest you leave." Asuma turned the corner and stopped before a cream colored door.
Jounin Lounge…this is going to be bad…VERY bad…
Shikamaru batted his hand and opened the door, "So troublesome…"
"And for god's sake don't BREAK or TOUCH anything!"
Naruto stared at a glass vase with intricate vines weaving along the glossy surface, his finger poised to touch it, "Ohhhh…"
"DON'T. TOUCH." Asuma whacked the blond painfully on the head. Didn't he just say don't break-slash-touch anything…I do believe he did…
Naruto gave the vase another mischievous glance before being dragged by the collar of his orange and black jacket.
Asuma sighed and plopped on the couch, "Just watch some TV and be quiet."
"HEY! TEME! What's this button do!"
Asuma mentally slapped himself, oh forget it, he had enough.
"Might as well check out what's on…" Kiba took the bulky remote and pressed the pretty red button.
Channel 2…
"Hey, Sasuke-teme did you ever notice there's no Channel number 1?"
Sasuke stared at the boy, "What kind a question is that, dobe?"
Naruto huffed, "A smart question."
"Dunce."
"At least I'm not stupid!"
"You idiot, that's the same thing."
"Nope."
"…Screw you…Go read a dictionary."
Sakura shoved the two to make room in between them, "Just change the channel, Kiba, all this is, is news."
Channel 3…
"HI KIDS! I'm the big purple dinosaur, BARNEY! Let's play!"
"TURN IT OFF!"
Kiba scrambled with the remote and turned it off.
Ino rubbed her head, "That was scary."
"No…that was BEYOND scary." Everyone nodded.
Sakura unlatched herself from a blue-faced Sasuke's neck, "I'm sure that's the worst…Turn it back on, Kiba."
Kiba gulped and quickly turned on the TV and changed the channel.
Channel 4…
"TELETUBBIES!" a squealing clash of purple, yellow, green, and red jumped from a hole and started dancing.
No doubt the hole was probably from the fiery depths of he-
"HELLO!"
A horrified scream or two, someone fainted, two or three people committed suicide…
"MY EYES! THE PAIN…THE PAIN!"
"CHANGE THE CHANNEL!"
Kiba blindly pressed a random button…
Channel 27…
Dun…
Dun…
DUN…
"HEY! You kids ready for some wig-tastical FUN! Let's SING!" a bunch of badly-accented men giggled girlishly.
"AHHHHHHHHHHH!"
"MY INNOCENCE!"
Asuma grabbed the remote and pressed another random number…
Channel 65…
"This is KMV, Konoha's Music Videos, with some spanking new music…!"
Whew.
Shikamaru opened an eye, "That…was bad."
Kiba gave a shudder and glanced at Shino, "Oi, Shino, you ok?"
No reply.
Kiba arched an eyebrow and poked Shino, "Are you ignoring me?"
No reply.
Suddenly…Shino fell off his seat…
"OH MY GOD! WE KILLED SHINO!"
"It's the new music trend sweeping the ninja nation!"
Silence…
"I got a BAD feeling about this…" Choji backed away from the TV slowly.
"I like…BIG BUTTS, AND I CANNOT LIE!-"
"THE HORROR!"
"THE BUTTS!"
Meanwhile with Tsunade-sama…
"Did you hear that?" a pen stopped scribbling over a piece of paper.
Shizune stared out the window, "Must be the wind…"
Tsunade sighed and unraveled a scroll, "I heard you visited Kakashi this morning."
"I did."
"So…," Shizune watched the Godaime from behind the scroll, "what happened?"
"Nothing important to report." And it was true, other than the increase in injuries from god-knows-where and the higher level of perverted-ness nothing was out of the ordinary. And besides…wasn't Kakashi already a big pervert?
Brown eyes flitted over to the unusually calm apprentice, "Oh?"
A wooden chair scrapped the ground. Shizune peered at the cough erm-curvy Godaime. "Where are you going, Hokage-sama?"
"Out."
"Out? Out where…?" the natural cautious nature of Shizune flooded out.
Big doe-like brown eyes with sparkly cuteness bore into dark eyes. A large clump of sweat, otherwise known as a sweat drop, appeared in the back of Shizune's head.
"Can I go pweeze?
To think our great Hokage was using such a low tactic…she'd probably win, too.
"Erm…ok…?"
A large cloud burst right from under her nose; Shizune's teary eyes blinked, what was that about…?
"And now we add a stick of butter to the sugar. Remember counter-clockwise turns and make sure-"
"Boring…" Ino pressed the channel up button.
"I can't TAKE it anymore!" Naruto stood up suddenly and kicked the couch where Asuma-sensei was lounging.
"What the hell do you want?"
"We're bored."
"Not my problem."
"You know, Asuma-sensei, SOME of us have a lot of sources where we can change certain mission reports."
Asuma glared at the pink-haired kunoichi, "And what about it?"
She tapped a finger to her bubblegum lips, "It would be oh so horrible if things were to slip to someone…someone like the Godaime…"
Great…now he was being blackmailed by a seventeen year old girl…
"Very sly, Haruno, very sly."
Ino gave a scoff, "We're kunoichi, right Hinata?"
Hinata gave a delicate shade of pink, "R-right."
Naruto cocked his head to the side and grinned, Hinata-chan was so cute when she was shy…which was like all the time...
What are you babbling about now…? (Kyuubi speaking)
'WHO ARE YOU!'
I'm the voice of god telling you to get a brain…WHO do you think I am!
'Uh…god why are you in my head?'
For the love of…I'm the nine-tail fox! You know you're flipping chakra support line!
'Oh...GET OUT OF MY HEAD!'
I wish I could but unfortunately I can't.
'OUT I SAY!'
I'm not a flipping dog you idiot, I'm trapped here.
'Oh…so why are YOU talking to ME?'
You woke me up from my nap with your incessant crap.
'Sorry.'
Too late for that.
'Besides I'm gonna be HOKAGE some day and-'
Oh please, not this crap again.
'It's not crap, you're crap!'
Say that to my face, you puny human.
'Well this puny human's gonna kick your-'
Who's that?
'Huh…who?'
That girl with the dark-hair.
'Ino…?'
Not the blonde! The girl beside the pinky…
'That's Hinata-chan!'
Hinata…Wasn't she the one you were swooning over?
'Eh…no that's Sakura."
Sakura…isn't she the Uchiha brat's girlfriend?
'Teme…have a girlfriend…HA! Never! But yeah he likes her…sort of…I think…hmmm…'
Don't think too hard you'll blow a fuse. So this "Hinata-chan" she's cute…in a different sort of way.
Blush.
'Y-you think…she's c-cute…?'
Do you LIKE her…?
'…A-ah I d-don't…know…'
Ask her out or whatever you midget ninjas do to socialize with the opposite sex.
'HUH? Not a midget…'
I don't care. You don't have to ask her.
"There are movies in the compartment next to the closet." Asuma bonked Naruto on the head.
"Smoker dude that hurt!"
"Just get a movie!" Ino shoved Naruto.
Naruto grumbled, "Let's get a movie, Hinata-chan!"
"H-huh…?" Hinata felt her hand being pulled along with the rest of her body and dragged across the room.
"I swear he's mentally disabled or something." Ino glared at the blond ninja as he skipped happily with a shocked Hinata.
Sakura shook her head, "It could worse. He could break something…"
"Dobe."
"Um…Smoker dude!"
Asuma grumbled incoherent words, "WHAT!"
"Why do you have Finding Nemo in a Jounin lounge?"
Silence…
Gulp.
"J-just choose a movie, already!"
"So…what movie do you want to see?" Naruto tilted his head toward the blushing heiress.
Her blush deepened, "O-oh I d-don't k-know…"
"I KNOW! Let's get ramen after this!" Naruto randomly yelled and patted Hinata's back.
Blush.
Opal eyes rolled back and Hinata went out with a BANG!
"Hinata-chan! What I DO?"
A lone onyx eye peered in the corner; his bandaged hand closed the book he was currently indulging, "To what do I deserve this visit, Tsunade-sama?"
"I want to join this little project of yours Kakashi." A smirk graced her ever-lasting face.
Kakashi folded his arms over his chest.
"Deal."
Blink.
"Wow…Hinata you took quite the fall. You ok?" Asuma helped the dizzy Hyuga up on her feet.
"M-my ap-pologies…"
Poke…
CRASH!
"You…IDIOT! YOU BROKE IT!" Asuma seethed as he caught Naruto by the collar. The expensive vase lay broken and shattered among the dust bunnies…
May it rest in pieces-I mean peace…
"HEY! Hey, let's watch the movie already! You ok, Hinata-chan!"
Hinata blushed and nodded her head.
Naruto grinned as the others gathered around the tiny television. "Ready…SET…G-"
"Just press the flipping button, dobe!"
"Fine then Mr. I-got-a-pole-up-my-butt…"
Kiba shut his eyes and ears, "Please don't say butt around me."
"TA-DA!" Naruto jammed his finger on the poor button.
Fizz…BEEP!
"We are pleased to show you the exciting documentary on our wonderful fluffy absolutely adorable woodland creatures, SQUIRRELS!"
Blink.
"Hey, this is the wrong tape!"
"…DIE SQUIRREL!"
OH. MY. GOD.
"HINATA! Don't kill the TV!"
Shizune stopped writing and blinked. She did not just hear a scream and evil giggles of laughter…did she?
Nah…must be the wind…
Meanwhile, Hinata just tried to Byakugan the TV's behind, Kakashi and Tsunade made an evil pact, and poor Team Gai fell in a ditch…
Day 4 completed.
A/N: (GASP) finished this whole thing in a day…UGH…Should I put Kiba and Shino with anyone? Or should I just torture the two of them to kibbles and bits? I like the latter…MEH! Also the kiddy TV shows (If you didn't recognize it…) were Barney, Teletubbies, and The Wiggles. And I hope they all rot in the fiery hell that is flamers and gay critics. Read and review.
Squirrels are evil…press the pretty button and maybe they won't bother you…