HOLY SHIT CARTMAN AND WENDY ARE DATING.
Well, they went on ONE date. But, seriously, I never thought something like this would happen. I mean, Wendy doesn't have any interest in guys. She is completely purse-sexual. She has a thousand of them and she orgasms all over girls when they have one she wants and I've seen her claw at another girl's eyes when there was a purse sale at the mall.
That's actually how Cartman got her to agree to go out on a date with him. He got her this huge gift certificate for that Purse Expo store in the mall. Apparently, that's what he'd wanted to sell my body for.
Which surprises me. Not that Cartman would try and turn a profit on my chronic dying, but that he would put in so much effort for another person. If Wendy's purse-sexual, then Cartman's definitely self-sexual. I always figured that, if he could, he would run slow-motion down the beach into his own arms.
But, they went on a date. And they didn't rip each other to shreds.
Amazing.
And Stan and Kyle finally made up. Turns out the jacket they were fighting over belongs to Shelly. I knew it was pretty girly. They were hugging and clinging to each other like a couple of chicks, so I decided to inform them of the fact that they were the gayest straight guys to ever live.
Stan agreed readily. Kyle proclaimed that they needed matching shirts to commemorate this fact, because it doesn't get much gayer than matching shirts. Then Stan said a secret handshake was, by far, gayer.
I left when they started discussing dance steps.
Freaks.
So everyone is happy and lovey-dovey and getting their emotional freak on except me. I went down to Raisins to drown my sorrows in Spirit-Coke (try it before you knock it, seriously), and ended up pouring out my Henrietta-angst to my server, Ferrari.
The next thing I know I'm getting hand-raped in a bathroom stall. Quickie handjobs in public places is what I live for. And die for. Turns out misery doesn't love company - misery is just an aphrodisiac, and company can't keep their manicured hands off him.
Mole called me up; wanted to hang out. Naturally, I declined. I STILL haven't found my porn, that sneaky bastard.
God, Mole's not even going to get any use out of it! He's completely asexual. My year is so lonely without Miss November. It was my favorite month. October and December just don't know what to do with themselves when November isn't between them.