"Give me that!" Renji exclaimed, grabbing for Ichigo's binoculars, which he was smart enough to bring although apparently not smart enough to bring two pairs.

"These are mine, get your own!" Ichigo spat, yanking the binoculars back and putting them to his eyes as he watched Jun head down the beach. He was chuckling to himself, his cheeks bright pink.

"I want to see!" Renji exclaimed, hitting Ichigo on the head and grabbing the binoculars. He put them to his own eyes and whistled.

"Wow, she looks good in a swimsuit," he said approvingly. Ichigo snatched his binoculars back.

"I know," he said, annoyed.

"I can't believe you two are fighting to watch someone else's girlfriend," Captain Hitsugaya said disapprovingly. "How sad." Renji jumped.

"Captain!" He exclaimed. "I didn't see you there."

"Hey, Toshiro, you want a turn?" Ichigo asked, gallantly offering the binoculars to the short, white-haired child captain. Hitsugaya scowled and hit Ichigo on the head, then promptly did the same to Renji.

"Reminds me of someone," Renji grumbled as he rubbed his head.

"Hey, she's in the water!" Ichigo exclaimed, staring through the binoculars.

"Give me that! I want to see!" Renji exclaimed, trying to grab ahold of the object.

"Her top just fell off!" Ichigo exclaimed. Renji immediately attacked him and yanked the binoculars away, putting them excitedly to his own eyes. Ichigo burst out laughing.

"Got you," he said, chortling. Renji scowled.

"Hey, look, there's something in the water," he said suddenly.
"I'm not falling for my own trick, thank you very much," Ichigo said with a snort.

"There really is something in the water," Captain Hitsugaya said from beside him. Ichigo glanced at him. Captain Hitsugaya had his own pair of binoculars pressed firmly to his eyes, as though daring Ichigo to try and take them.

"Give it to me," Ichigo said, turning to Renji. "I bought those!"

"So? You'll get them back," Renji said, making no move to give them back. There was a short, sharp scream, and Ichigo immediately looked down at the beach, binocular-less.

"There's one arm. No, two," Renji said, pressing the binoculars harder against his eyes. "I think the bikini is fraying!"

"Yeah, right," Ichigo said, grabbing the binoculars away from him just as Jun disappeared under the surface of the water. He scowled. "You had them the whole time, so I missed everything," Ichigo accused. Renji shrugged.

"Oh, well," he said.

"I hate you," Ichigo grumbled. Renji grinned as they both turned to head down the sand dune and back to the parking lot, where Ishida was waiting impatiently.

"Dun, dun, dun… da-da-da-da-da! Dum de dum dum… dan dan dan dan!" I hummed danger music as I crawled across the dimly hit hallway floor. I straightened up and plastered myself against the wall, twisting my neck to peer around the corner.

"Da dum… da dum… da dum… da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-dum, da-da-da-da!" I finished with the 'Jaws' theme song as I leaped into the brightly lit room, making my fantastic entrance.

The room was empty.

I sighed. This was the third room I had dropped into since waking up on a silk bed and taking a quick nap before continuing my journey. I had infiltrated the enemy base and was proceeding to search for the target, but so far there was no sign of her.

I whistled to myself as I headed back down the hall, flat against the wall, before creeping past a door and tiptoeing into another hall.

It was endless. There were twisting halls, locked doors, lit rooms, but still no Lieutenant Matsumoto. I could follow the drunken laughter usually, except that this time there wasn't any, nor any particularly angry captains yelling about unfinished paperwork.

I walked normally down this hall, because stealth mode was wearing out the limited life span of my limited-life-span bikini already, and I didn't think there was a warranty. I kept listening, but I knew that I was not only lost, but very lost.

"—collection is growing exponentially!" said an amazingly cheerful voice very suddenly from nearby. I almost hit myself in an attempt to take up a martial arts stance.

"Of course, my lord," said a female voice in a dreary tone. "That's eight so far."

"I need at least eleven, of course," continued the first, male voice.

"Well, you did say you needed at least eight when we had six, so it only makes sense that now you'd need eleven," continued the female voice.
"I didn't hire you for your math abilities," the male voice said petulantly. "I was merely telling you my plan after you voiced your distress at not knowing."

"That's because I didn't want to know, my lord," said the female voice with a long-suffering sigh. "Perhaps eight will do for the time being?"

"No!" the male voice said immediately. "I must have at least eleven. No, make it fifteen. Soon I will have the largest collection of beach girls in the world!"

Largest collection of beach girls?

"You are getting there, my lord," the female voice admitted reluctantly. "Fifteen it is. We will need exactly seven more, so nearly double what we have now."

"What I have now," the male voice corrected. "And make it sixteen, so it's a nice even double. My newest addition ought to have woken up by now, so go get Snow White and bring her to the main room so I can watch her, too."

I looked down at my snow white bikini and had a terrible sinking feeling.

"Add her to Ruby Red, Sky Blue, Topaz Yellow, and Leaf Emerald. I admit, it was more difficult to find one in white that I had thought," the male voice continued.

"Yes, my lord. Should I group her with Midnight Black, Polka Dot, and Vaguely-Floral as well, just to keep them all together and categorize as the first half?"

"You do that," the male voice said decidedly. "And hurry it up, too. Also, get tea – the girls look thirsty."

"Yes, my lord."

I immediately raced around the corner and slammed into the wall, holding my breath, as the door opened and footsteps were heard. The footsteps headed in the opposite direction, and as soon as I couldn't hear them anymore, I let out a sigh of relief.

A Hollow with a habit of collecting beach girls. How interesting. To think, I had thought stamp-collectors were odd! Apparently he categorized them by bikini color, which meant that Sky Blue was most likely Lieutenant Matsumoto.

I turned the corner slowly to continue down the hall.

"I see you've woken up at last, Snow White," said a slow female voice as it became apparent that I had slammed into someone unseen on the other side. I looked up. It was a tall woman with her hair up neatly, a clipboard in her hands, and dressed entirely in puce.

"Hello, Puce," I said aloud, giving a little goofy wave. "I have some business to attend to, so I can't talk now, but I'll see you later," I tried to quickly push past her and race away, but the woman snatched my hair with a practiced hand and yanked me back.

"Ah, ooh, ouch, ee, ah, ooh, owie!" I exclaimed as she dragged me by my hair down the hall towards a door at the end of the hall.

"Follicle distress, follicle distress!" I exclaimed as she unlocked the door and let go of my hair.

"Enjoy," she said with a little smile, pushing me into the room. The door shut behind me with a clang and a familiar locking sound. I turned back towards the door to stick my tongue out, whatever good that did.

"Jun!" A voice exclaimed. I whipped around. I was in a fancy room, with tables of treats and silken beds, and multiple women in apparently the same predicament as me – in a bikini with no change of clothes. The woman who had called out to me was waving excitedly from her bed.

"Rangiku!" I exclaimed. Sure enough, it was the lieutenant, talking with the other women.

"Come join us," Matsumoto called, waving.

"What are you doing here? Haven't you been trying to escape before I came to get you?" I demanded, crossing the room towards her.

"It's very nice here," Matsumoto said. "Besides, there's not a single piece of paperwork in sight! It's simply heaven!"

"Yeah, but the World of the Living has sake," I reminded her. Matsumoto's grin faded.

"That's true," she said mournfully.

"Anyway, come on. You've got to take a gikongan and get out of your gigai…" I stopped dead, a terrible sense of foreboding coming over me. I knew I'd forgotten something.

"Right, so you brought one with you?" Matsumoto asked pleasantly.

"Drat it!" I exclaimed, stomping in anger. "I spent so much time worrying about bikini versus tuna salad that I forgot to grab a stupid Chappy!"

"Whoops?" Matsumoto said, raising her hands in defeat. "Looks like I'll have to stay."

"Oh, no you don't!" I snarled. "Not after coming all this way in a bikini! We're going to Plan B, so I expect you to help out."

"Sure," Matsumoto said agreeably. She paused, then leaned in close. "What's Plan B?" She whispered.

"Doing what I'm best at," I said. "Annoy the Hollow until he lets us go."

"Huh?" Asked a woman from nearby. She was frowning.

"Oh, yes," Matsumoto said pleasantly, turning towards the group. "Jun, this is Natsumi, Reiki, Mitsu, Yoshe, Yua, and Nanami. Guys, this is Jun, a friend of mine."

There were murmured greetings.

"Okay, so you guys want to help too? We're busting out of here," I said excitedly.

"Why?" Natsumi asked curiously. "I like it here."

There were murmured agreements.

"I'm sorry, you enjoy being kept prisoner in a bikini in an underwater cavern being constantly watched by a monster?" I asked, crossing my arms. I sighed, shaking my head. "You guys are weird, I'll give you that. That takes a special kind of stupid."

"You have such a way with words," Matsumoto murmured as the women's expressions changed from confused to varying degrees of annoyance and outrage.

"Well, that fat overlord probably heard every word I said, so I suggest we skedaddle," I said, turning back towards the door. As I reached for the handle, it swung open on its own, revealing a cloaked figure.

I turned back towards the group.

"I'm sorry, it seems I was mistaken," I said. "I meant Dracula, not 'fat overlord.'"

"I am neither," said a male voice frostily from the hall. He dropped his hood.

I wish I could say it was Ishida or Captain Hitsugaya, or even just Urahara, but sadly it was yet another weird person whose name I did not know.

"I am the butler," he announced. I couldn't help it – I burst out laughing.

He was tall, dark, and handsome, the picture of butleresque-ness, and wore a black suit. That combined with the red rose in his button-hole, the top hat, and the cape, he reminded me of someone my dear boyfriend had styled.

"I admit, I didn't expect you in the monster's hideout," I said, still laughing. "You look like one of Uryu's projects!"

"One of whose?" The butler asked frostily.

"My boyfriend," I explained. "He thinks he's a seamstress."

"That's sad," one of the ladies murmured from behind me.

"I assure you, I know of no Err-You," the butler said.

"Uryu!" I corrected, waggling a finger under his nose. "If you're going to attempt to say it at all, say it right! It's an affront to his memory, say what!"

"What?" The butler asked, confused.

"It's just a Briticism," I said, rolling my eyes. "I wasn't saying you should actually say 'what.'"

"What?" Matsumoto asked from behind me. I sighed.

"Anyway, my seamstress boyfriend has a wardrobe somewhat like yours, except in white. He takes pride in his whites above all. He's half laundry detergent, you see. Half laundry detergent, half seamstress, and half Quincy, that's him," I continued cheerfully.

"Isn't that…" one of the women began slowly. I nodded before she could finish her sentence.

"Yep. He's one and a half men!" I exclaimed. "A rare find, though I do say so myself."

"I see," the butler said, frowning. "I was sent by the master of this castle to-"

"Hold it," I announced. "This is a castle? Man, I had no clue. I thought maybe an underwater resort. Hey, but an evil castle isn't complete without lightning! Where's the lightning?"

"Allow me to stress the 'underwater' part of this castle. There is no lightning underwater," the butler explained patiently.

"Oh, so you think you know everything, huh, wise guy?" I demanded furiously, tapping my foot and crossing my arms. "Who says there can't be lightning underwater?"

"Everybody," the butler replied through gritted teeth, his patience visibly fading.

"I really have to meet this Everybody guy. Does he have a first name, or is it just Mr. Everybody?" I asked. "Because everybody talks about this Everybody, and it's extraordinarily annoying because I have no clue who he is."

"Excuse me," the butler said, taking a step back. He reached forward and slammed the door shut in front of him, and we were alone once more.

"Phase One of Plan B complete," I said in a stage whisper directed towards Matsumoto. "Operation 'Annoy the Evil Butler' has succeeded."

"Right," Matsumoto said, confused, as she mirrored my thumbs-up but obviously had no clue what I was talking about. "So what's Phase Two?"

"I assure you, you'll be the first to know as soon as I think of one," I said cheerfully.

"She never said when she'd be back."

"She's late."

"I'm telling you, there's no set time."

"She's late."

"Quit worrying, she'll be back soon. She never said it'd take her less than a day."

"She's late."

"It'll probably take two days, in fact."

"She's late."

"Maybe even three."

"How much later can you get?" Ishida said finally, bringing his fist down on the hood of the car. Urahara winced.

"It's a rental," he said through clenched teeth. "Please try not to dent it."

"She should've been back by now," Ishida argued. Urahara sighed.

"I told you, there's no set time. She'll take as long as she needs."

"How long does it take to storm in, give the Soul Candy to Rangiku-san, and bust out?" Ishida demanded. Urahara suddenly looked sheepish.

"Ah… about that…"

Ishida turned very slowly, raising a hand to push his glasses farther up his nose. If it was possible to do this in a threatening manner, he did so.

"I'm listening," he said shortly.

"Well," Urahara began, scratching the back of his head. "I may have forgotten to give her a Soul Candy. I mean, I suppose I forgot, just looking at her… I mean, where would she put it, you know? And anyway… in the heat of the moment and all… I forgot to hand her one."

"You… forgot…" Ishida repeated dumbly. "You forgot… forgot to…"

"Just a simple mistake," Urahara said, grinning sheepishly. "It shouldn't be too much of a problem, she's pretty strong. She could probably get out of there by herself, without Rangiku-san's help. Don't forget, Rangiku-san can still perform some Kido while in her gigai."

"We're doomed," Ishida said matter-of-factly. "So very, very doomed. Doomed to hell and beyond. Doomed to the moon and back. Doomsday was an understatement. Aliens would be better than this. I never thought it'd end this way."

"Ah, don't worry. Rangiku-san will take of her."

"…then Jun will eat her just like the poor cat. Oh, doomed."

"Phase 2 of Plan B successful!" I said excitedly.

"But all you did was eat all the grapes," Natsumi said disappointedly.

"Exactly," I said smugly, swallowing. "It's foolproof."

"Jun," Matsumoto asked, appearing in the corner of my vision. "I have two questions for you. First, how will that help, exactly? Second, what's Phase 3?"

"We're still on phase two," I said. "Now that all the grapes are gone, we're going to hide by the door, and when someone comes to replace them, we push past him and run away."

"You can't use Shunpo, I presume?" Matsumoto asked.

"Okay, that is annoying," I said, scowling. "Yeah, okay, so Soul Reapers can use Shunpo, Espada can use Sonido, and all I can do is do-si-do. Unfair!"

"We don't have a chance. The other girls are all human, so all they can do is do-si-so as well. There's no way we can just waltz right out of here."

"We won't be. A do-si-do is a square dancing move. We'll be square dancing out of here," I corrected.

"That's even worse! At least ballroom dancing has grace!"

"Square dancing is country ballroom."

"Country barn-room, you mean!"

"Hey, that's a good one. I have to remember that," I said thoughtfully. I shrugged. "This is our chance, and to be honest, I can't wait to get back to my boyfriend, even if he does wear funny stuff and say smart-ass things."

"That's not much different from you," Matsumoto said matter-of-factly.

"Hey! I'm badass, and I'll have you know that little bikinis are the height of fashion around now," I said defensively, crossing my arms.

"I wasn't talking about the bikini, I was talking about that dress you wore yesterday," Matsumoto said. I hung my head.

"Ishida made it for me," I grumbled. "It was cute-ish and I was obliged to wear it as his girlfriend, to support his decisions and help his reach his dream, etcetera."

"I wouldn't wear something like that even if my captain shoved it into my hands and told me it was a matter of life or death."

"You know, when you disappeared, he let out this, like, movie-style anguished scream that echoed endlessly over the waves and stuff. It was really very moving," I said, "but I was busy wondering what kind of tuna I should use for if the little bikini wasn't enough."

"Tuna?" Matsumoto asked, frowning.

"Never mind," I said, waving my hand dismissively.

"We're all out of tuna fish, so I suggest you come up with a better idea," Matsumoto said matter-of-factly.

A minute later I was sobbing and banging on the door.

"Let me out, please, I'm dying!" I sobbed, opening on eye momentarily to see if there was any change. None.

"I have claustrophobia, agoraphobia, and a terrible fear of hippopotamuses!" I exclaimed. "Please, before I wither away to bones! I must return home with my friend or the last Jun will die off. I'm an endangered species!"

"Shut up," the male voice I had heard before, not the butler's voice, echoed throughout the room. Judging by the empty looks on everyone's faces, it was the Hollow, because only Matsumoto and I could hear it.

"I'm afraid of the dark, of pickles, of splinters, of flowers, of long words, of dentists, of people and of being captured by a monster and held as part of his beach girl collection! I swear I'll get you the entire Barbie set including the accessories!" I sobbed, clutching at my throat as I slid piteously down the door.

I closed my eyes and stuck out my tongue in a dead-bug impersonation. There was a moment or two of silence before the Hollow spoke again.

"You have problems, you know that?" He said.

"Say that to my face, you bastard!" I exclaimed, jumping up. I slid back down in a mock faint. "Oh, I also have a fear of dust, and I think I'm choking." I coughed gently into my fist.

"Nice try," the Hollow's voice said.

"Rangiku, I need your help, I can't walk," I said, giving a theatric moan and reaching out to the lieutenant. She helped me up.

"This is Phase 3," I whispered in her ear. She understood immediately, and we both sat back down hard.

"Oh, I think I caught her fears!" Matsumoto exclaimed, rolling on the floor.

"I'm choking!"

"I'm drowning!"

"Root canal!"

"I'm being swallowed by darkness!"

"A forest of pickles!"

"!"

"Please, not that word, that so very long word! Oh, I'm dying!"

"All right, all right," the Hollow said hurriedly. "What do you want? Hurry it up, I have better things to do than messing around with a collection."

"Too late, I'm dead," I said theatrically, clasping a hand against my chest and collapsing against Matsumoto. We both lay on the floor unmoving until I heard the other women start shrieking (I can only assume they picked up on the plan) and the door opened frantically.

"Get up," someone muttered, kicking me in the ribs (not part of the plan). It was the butler dude from before, and he looked upset.

"Can't you see I'm dead? Dead women ain't walking," I grumbled, crossing my arms and staring up at him from the floor.

"You stay there and we both get in trouble," the butler hissed.

"Dude, I'm already in trouble. I've been in jail twice, juvenile detention for a total of five weeks. I've stolen cars and now I have a built-in tracking device installed under my skin for police to keep tabs on me," I lied. "They're going to find me and drag me back."

"I demand you take me to your leader," Matsumoto demanded.

"That's a good one," I said, starting to laugh in the butler's face. "I'm sorry, like you could take us to your leader. Look at those scrawny little arms…"

"And those spindly little legs!" Matsumoto crowed.

"Bony fingers!"

"Ugly face!"

"Flabby gluteus maximus!"

"What does that mean?" Matsumoto asked, frowning as she turned to me. I shrugged.

"I think it's a muscle," I whispered back. The truth was, everything I knew I got from Ishida's test papers and notes.

"That's… that's just cruel," the butler stammered. "I do not have… any of those outrageous things."

"Sorry, but have you looked in a mirror recently?" I asked, snorting.

"I'll bring you to my 'leader,' just wait and see. You'll regret it, you monsters of women, you," the butler snarled. He reached down to grab me, but couldn't find a decent handhold anywhere.

"If you put your hand there, I will bite it off," I said calmly as he reached.

"Same," Matsumoto said as he reached towards her. He hissed between his teeth, helpless before such adversity.

"You know what, maybe I'm only half dead. I feel quite energetic for a dead person. I think I might be able to walk after all," I said decidedly. I glanced at Matsumoto. "What do you think, Matzo?"

"Matzo?" Matsumoto asked, frowning slightly. She brightened up. "Oh, right. Maybe just a step or two could be managed… I don't know, I'm still feeling a little faint."

"Dead," I corrected.

"Yes, a little dead," Matsumoto revised, nodding. The butler slouched slightly.

"About face!" I shrieked. The butler leapt up.

"What about my face this time?" He shrieked back.

"That just meant that you should straighten up, because it's not right for a butler like you to be slouching," I said as I got to my feet. I straightened his bow tie. "There you go, Harry."

"Thank you, mother," the butler said meekly. He shook his head. "What am I saying? Stop that!"

"It's impossible to resist my mind-bending powers, Harry," I said slowly and seriously.

"My name isn't Harry!" The butler snapped.

"Really?" I asked innocently. "You look like a Harry. Maybe I was reading the vibes wrong… is it Larry?"

"My name is Hari," the butler snapped.

"Oh," I said, nodding understandingly. I paused. "Isn't that a girl's name?"

"It's a nickname," Hari exclaimed. "Now shut up so that I can think."

"I'm afraid I can't allow that."

"What, thinking?"

"Yep, that," I said, nodding. "Don't say anything, because that implies thinking. Just walk, and we'll follow you. Take us to your leader."

"And perhaps a warm bath if possible," Matsumoto added cheerfully from behind. "And, if you have it, a bottle of sake wouldn't be too bad either."

"I'm not taking you to my letter. Ugh, leader," the butler corrected himself, scowling. "You're messing up my head, so quit it or I might forget which direction he's in."

"I see. In that case, tell us now and we'll remind you if you forget," I said, nodding. "I'll make sure I remember it for you."

"Right. It goes, from this door: right, then left, up the stairs ahead of you, then the third door on the left, all right?" Hari said gratefully. As I stood there grinning at him, he started looking more and more sorry for himself until finally he bowed his head, utterly defeated.

"Now bring us dumplings," I ordered, pointing imperially towards the blackness on the other side of the door. He turned and left abruptly, shutting the door behind him.

"Do I rock, or do I rock?" I asked, turning triumphantly to Matsumoto. She grinned back just as enthusiastically.

"That was actually quite fun. You know, for a work of torture."

"You see why I do it now?" I asked.

"Yep. Are you really a delinquent?"

"Technicalities, trivial matters, difference between an executive officer and a sub-executive officer, such like that," I said dismissively. "Besides, I've been doing better since I started cheating off Ishida. I learned a lot of stuff."

"Like what?" Matsumoto asked, frowning.

"Did you know that he signs his name at the top of the paper with a little cross beneath it?" I asked, turning back to face her. "And that there's a stitch called 'fishhook?'"

"No," Matsumoto said thoughtfully. "Maybe it's worth it to cheat off him after all."

"I know, right?" I snorted. "Oh, well. I think I'd like some grapes while I wait for my dumplings."

"You can't, you ate them all ten minutes ago, remember?" Matsumoto reminded me.

"Oh, right."