Dear mom. This is weird. I don't really know why I'm doing this. Well, maybe I do, but I'm not sure whether this is the right approach. But there is hardly anyone else to turn to. You're out there somewhere, and maybe you care. Not that I'm saying dad and daddy don't. It's just different. They shouldn't know these things. They're too close to me. Although this letter will probably end up flushed down the toilet, I am just going to let myself pretend for a while that I know where you are and that you want to know all these things about me. Ready? My life is miserable. I hate this place. I hate everyone in this town, except for dad and daddy of course. Quinn Fabray laughed at me again. That girl is horrible. I don't understand why she's so popular. Yes, she's pretty and all the boys like her, but her personality is atrocious! And she seems to find me to be her favorite figurative punching bag. Is there something wrong with me? I try to be nice, I try to make friends. People here just seem to hate me. High school is starting to become unbearable. I wish dad would let me be shipped off to some English boarding school so I never have to set foot in William McKinley again. Rachel.
He didn't call her like he was supposed to that day. He felt like too much of an ass to talk to her. He went through the first five letters in a matter of hours. Each letter became more and more unbearable to go through. Was this what life was like for her in this town? Was this how she saw everyone? Was this still how she sees them? Her first letter was short and awkward. Angry. He thought she probably felt stupid for writing it.
Finn wondered why he never realized it before. Of course she would hate everyone. When had any of them ever been nice to her? Even the ones who never made fun of her never tried to be her friend. They all hid behind her mask of indifference. She pretended she didn't care and they pretended to not know better. Or else they try their best to prove she does care in the worst possible way. He felt disgust bubble over in the pit of his stomach.
Dear mom. I had my first encounter with my mortal enemy today. It's a slushie. Do you know what that is? Of course you do. But I'll bet you don't know what it feels like to have one thrown in your face. It's pretty amazing, actuallly. I never knew ice could cut a face. Noah Puckerman is a jerk, mom. I hate him so much. It's funny. I don't know why I keep remembering how he helped me once when we were younger. He used to be a nice boy. But you know what the oddest thing was? One of THEM helped me. Finn Hudson. I was trying to find the toilet and not cry at the same time and this boy took my hand and helped me to the girls room. I knew he was part of them, but he helped me anyway. But Finn has always been different. Maybe there's still hope for some of these people after all. Rachel.
He remembers them as children. They were never friends. But he had helped her, once. Why hadn't they been friends? He remembers when he was eleven and some of his friends had stolen her homework to get her in trouble. The teacher had made her stand on her chair for the whole period. Rachel had been livid, going off into a spiel about injustice and the constitution and the teacher became even more annoyed with her and gave her detention. He knew what was happening. He could see Puck and Kyle, now his linebacker, grinning conspiratorially at each other. But he did nothing. He continued to do nothing for the next four years of his life. God he was a douchebag. But she thought he was different. Even back then, she thought he was different. But he knew better.
He spent the rest of the day in his room and finished off the first stack of letters, only leaving during mealtimes and using the rest of his time to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. At around ten thirty, Rachel called. He picked up the phone hesitantly.
"Hello?" She was quiet on the other line. He heard a sniffle.
"You said you were going to call. I waited for you. For hours."
"I'm sorry."
"Were you out with Noah all day? What were you doing that was making you too busy to pick up your cellphone and speed dial me?"
"No. I was- I opened it." It was quiet for a while. He began to feel awkward. After what felt like a lifetime, she began to speak.
"Oh. Have you read anything?"
"I read the first stack."
"I can't remember what I wrote."
"You said you hated everyone in Lima. And that Quinn was the spawn of satan, and Puck was the devil incarnate." She giggled nervously.
"I don't remember that. Are you mad at me?" He frowned.
"Why would I be mad at you?"
"Because you read some of them and you didn't call. I made a mistake didn't I? You shouldn't have to know these things. I'm sorry."
"No. Rachel I'm not mad. I mean I am, but not at you. I just- Argh!" He frowned angrily as he stared up at his ceiling, the anger he felt threatening to consume him.
"What are you feeling?" she asked quietly.
"I feel I'm an asshole." He sat up on the bed and leaned against the wall, one hand running over his hair in frustration. His hair was already sticking out all over the place by then because he had been doing it all day.
"Finn, language. And you're not"
"I'm sorry baby, but I am. I was just like the rest of them." He heard her sigh and knew she was collecting herself.
"Maybe you were. But now you're not. Finn, I wrote those letters before I knew you. Before I knew any of you."
"You're not that far off the mark," he muttered darkly.
"Well I was never easy to swallow. I know how annoying I can be-"
"Stop saying that like it's an excuse. It's not! It doesn't matter if you're not the greatest person on earth! You never did anything to anybody. Puck, he throws people in dumpsters and he beats the shit out of kids, but people still like him-"
"Out of fear."
"Doesn't matter! And Quinn, she was a bitch if there ever was one. I knew it. And I dated her anyway. She made me miserable and told me I was an idiot and she called you names and made the jocks throw slushies at you and I know everything! And I did nothing!"
"You helped me once. I remember."
"I showed you the way to the toilet after I let Puck throw a slushie in your face."
"That made all the difference to me." It broke his heart a little to know that his pathetic attempt at kindness had meant so much to her.
"I want to punch the younger me in the face," he said dejectedly. He heard her soft laughter frowned even harder. She was so blasé about the whole thing.
"I'm sorry Finn. I should have known these letters would be hard on you. That wasn't my intention, you know."
"I know babe."
"You need to keep reading them, please? Or maybe you could skip the ones in the middle. You don't need to know about those. There's a point to these, I swear." He sighed.
"There is always a point when it comes to you," he answered, his voice affectionate.
"Damn straight."
"I'm glad my penchant for cursing is rubbing off on you."
"And I'm glad my penchant for vocabulary is rubbing off on you. This is the first time I've ever heard you use the word penchant." He rolled his eyes, his spirits lifting.
"How was your day?" She squealed, and he imagined jumping excitedly in her room.
"Oh it was great. They showed me around the whole school and Finn, this place is to die for. Today was just the ice-breaking session. They partnered us up and we had to learn everything we can about each other. My partner is Alan from New York. They're putting us in our groups tomorrow. I'm so excited!"
"That's awesome Rach."
"What are you doing tomorrow?"
"I don't know. I was thinking of going for a run, maybe try out that playlist you made me."
"That's a good idea. You shouldn't be sitting on your laurels just because you're on holiday Finn. When is your summer job starting?" He was getting paid to fold blankets at Sheets 'N' Things five days a week from noon to closing time. It was one hell of a boring job, but the money wasn't bad and Puck would be there. So would Quinn, probably. There was something going on between those two. Puck was still living his man-whorish ways, but he was staying away from the cougars this summer for some reason. And if Quinn was there, then Mercedes would be too. And Kurt. He wondered if his new job was going to end up being the glee club's summer hang out joint. That wouldn't be so bad.
"In two days."
"Don't forget the Spirulina. You need energy if you're going to work."
"I don't think I need that much energy to fold a sheet Rach."
"Just listen to me. I know what I'm talking about."
"Don't I always?" She snorted.
"You pretend to listen. I know you're thinking about something else half the time I open my mouth."
"But I listen to the important stuff, right?" Begrudgingly, she agreed. He smiled to himself.
"Rach?"
"Yes?"
"I'm glad things are different now. It's a good thing I stopped being such a dumbass. I know, I know. Language," he said when he heard her intake of breath.
"Why do you insist on using such vulgar terms?"
"Because they express my feelings perfectly." She sighed in resignation.
"I have to go Finn. I need to wake up early tomorrow. I have to be at my best."
"You're already in bed, aren't you?" He asked, amused.
"Of course. I fully intend to have your voice be the last thing I hear before I go to sleep." Her tone was appalled, as if she would be offended if he thought anything else. He grinned.
"Good night Rachel Barbara Berry."
"Good night Finn. I love you."
"I love you too." He hung up the phone, feeling his mood brightening. One stack was enough for the day. If he read anymore, he would probably end up being depressed.
xxx
He woke up the next day at seven, startled by a phone call from Rachel. He had answered it incoherently and was welcomed by her bright and cheerful good morning. For a second he forgot she was in New York and assumed she was at home, waiting for him to wake up and go for the occasional morning run with her. But then she went off excitedly about how awesome her day was going to be, the cobwebs in his mind cleared up. She told him she had to go and he told her good luck. Saying their goodbyes, he hung up the phone and walked sleepily towards the bathroom to wash his face.
His morning run cleared up his mind. The playlist that Rachel had made for him was blaring into his ears and he smiled as he listened to some songs that he knew she had stolen from his library. There was no way Rachel ever listened to Poison. As he ran past Santana's house he could feel himself starting to wheeze. He really needed to get himself back in shape. He was feeling a little optimistic today.
He knew she told him to skip the middle and reach the end, but he was going to read every one of those letters even if it killed him.
She wouldn't have given it to him if they weren't important to her. He just needed to remind himself every now and again that things had changed and none of them were the same people they used to be. It was odd how his life can be perfectly separated into before and after glee. And that period of limbo in the middle where he was screwed over by his bestfriend and the girl he was supposed to love. But Finn didn't like to think about that one for too long. After about a mile and a half and he reached Mike Chang's house, Finn turned to run back home.
He arrived home and headed straight for the kitchen, his stomach growling angrily. He could smell the bacon from the moment he entered the door. Finn grinned happily at the sight before him. His mother was standing over the stove, frying up the bacon, but there were already scrambled eggs and toast stacked high on the kitchen counter.
"Morning mom." She whipped around in surprise and stared at him.
"Did you just come back froma run? You're up early today."
"Rachel woke me up this morning," he said with a mouthful of eggs.
"Finn. Chew before you speak. You're going to end up choking. And for the love of God, plates are invented for a reason!" Placing the last of the bacon on a plate, she wallked over and placed it on the kitcen counter, slapping away his eager hands. "Wash your hands Finn. And use a plate!" He did as he was told and piled his plate high with breakfast. As he sat down in front of the kitchen table, she shook her head.
"I'm going to go over to Puck's today."
"Aren't you going to spend any time with your brother?"
"I thought he was going to the mall with Mercedes or something."
"Oh of course. I forgot about that. I have to get ready. My shift starts in an hour. Don't forget to leave some for the rest!" Finn waved his left hand vaguely at his mom and shoved a spoonful of eggs into his mouth with the other. Once he was done, he left his dirty plates in the dishwasher. Finn loves the dishwasher. They didn't have one at the old house. He likes not having to wash the dishes anymore. His sweat almost drying by now, Finn walked up the stairs, past his impeccably dressed stepbrother who wrinkled his nose in disgust when he saw him.
"You smell like a dirty gym sock."
"Thanks Kurt. Good morning to you too."
"Mercedes and I are going to the mall later. Care to join us?"
"No thanks. I'm hanging out with Puck."
"Fight club?"
"What? No dude, that's his thing. We're gonna go play Call of Duty. It's a marathon. It's gonna be epic."
"Enchanting." Finn grinned at his stepbrother before walking up the stairs to shower. He threw his iPod and phone onto the bed, grabbed a towel, and went to the bathroom. As he peeled off the shirt that was sticking to his back, he wondered when exactly he was going to continue reading her letters.
He barely got through freshman year. He never realized how angry Rachel could be. Her letters were bitter and dripping with sarcasm, so unlike the way she was in real life. But then again, he hadn't known the person she was at fourteen.
Wrapping a towel around his waist as he stepped out of the shower, he looked at himself in the mirror. He could picture his fourteen year old self. He had been eager and gangly. He was ridiculously awkward. He's still awkward now, but it isn't as painfully so . He remembered walking through the high school on his first day in a daze. He was a nobody as he watched students whizzing past him, looking for a mohawked head. He remembers watching in shock as a few seniors grabbed one meek-looking boy by his collar and tossed him into the dumpster.
He thought that was probably the moment he decided he was going to do whatever it took to not be that boy. He didn't realize then that it meant being one of the seniors. Shaking his head, Finn turned away and walked to his room. That was in the past. There was no use in thinking about it anymore. But still. What if he had acted differently? What if he had tried to help they guy after the other boys left him there, high-fiving each other, instead of just watching as the boy almost burst into tears and fell out of the trash can in his attempt to escape? It was just one moment. But maybe it would have made all the difference. He grabbed his phone when he saw her text.
(This place is amazing. I'm in a great group. We're preparing for our assignment today. They assigned us to perform No Air. Do you remember when we performed it together? My male lead seem to be missing your charisma. And the rest of my team can't seem to hold a candle to glee. Maybe that's because we just formed and hour ago.) Finn smiled as he dried his head with a towel. Of course he remembered. He remembers every song they perform together.
(You're biased cause you love us babe.) He wasn't expecting a reply. He knew how busy she was going to be. He looked towards the box on his desk hesitantly. There were ninety more to go, and 28 days left. A look of determination crossed his face. He was going to have to take a rain check on that video game marathon.
Xxx
In a week, he went through twenty five letters. Finn can honestly say that he had never read as much in his whole life as he did in that week. He probably could have read more if he didn't have a job to go to. Working at Sheets 'N' Things was mind-numbingly broing. Most of his time was spent on in-depth discussions with Puck on the boy's theory of how Super Mario Brothers changed civilization. Finn thought his argument was pretty foolproof, but he was getting a little sick of it. Puck was way too obsessed with the thick-moustached duo. He preferred zombies and war games anyway.
Sometimes Quinn was around and when Puck was busy talking about his genius theories to her, he sometimes wish he could bring Rachel's letters to work. He may not be the smartest guy around, but even he knew that it would not go down well if he did that and the letter fell out of his pocket or whatever. So instead he has to wait until after closing time and whatever the hell it is Puck wants to do before sending him home.
By her seventh letter, Rachel began sticking those familiar gold stars next to her name. It was amazing how a sticker could make all the difference to his reading experience. He felt better with the knowledge that it was waiting for him at the end of a letter, like it made her stronger. By her eighteenth letter, Rachel became more familiar to him. She was less bitter and more like the determined person he recognized now. Guiltily, he wondered if maybe it was because she just got used to all the shitty things people were doing to her. She talked about the pornographic drawings of her she found on the toilet wall critically, saying that the vandaliser really needed an art class or two because her nose was not that big.
He had reached sophomore year. He remembers that year too. The year he finally made it to cool status and Quinn Fabray started looking at him differently. All because he made it to the first string and Karofsky said he was the ass's hommie. Even then he knew what a dumbass the big jock was. But he had born the title proudly and walked around with those assholes as they moved in their terrorist group to give the losers their patriotic wedgies and toilet swirlies.
Both he and Rachel refrain fom mentioning the letters when they talk to each other. Instead, she talks about her daily activities and he talks about the joys of working in a place where almost everything has a thread count. Kurt finally made it official with his on-again and off-again boyfriend and when he told her this, she squealed so loudly, he suffered from temporary deafness. The love-hate relationship between his step-brother and his girlfriend is something Finn will never be able to wrap his head around.
The first time they talked to each other over the web cam was six days after she left, when Leroy finally figured out the the password for his wireless. The sight of her beaming face forced one on his own and they had just stared at each other's faces for five minutes before either said a word. He knew they were turning into one of those sickeningly cheesy couples and he wasn't sure how he felt about that yet. But whatever. He missed his girlfriend's face, okay? He was allowed to stare at her for an hour if he wanted to.
Perhaps the thing that surprised him the most was how he barely needed his dictionary. He uses it once every three letters in the beginning and the need steadily decreased the more he reads. Rachel Berry's letters were improving his vocabulary. Of course it would. By the second week, he realized he was actually having fun when he reads her letters. Rachel was hilarious, even when she was pissed. And even when she wasn't being funny, when she was sad and depressed, he couldn't really stop reading. It was weird to realize that this girl was someone he loves and not some random stranger whose life he just accidentally came across. He found himself rooting for the girl in the letters, forgetting the fact that the girl was his girlfriend and that yes, she made it through relatively unscathed.
Sometimes it was like she was talking to her mother when Rachel wondered about the woman's face, whether she got her nose from her mother(after a particularly stressful day when Santana Lopez had said her nose was the size of Texas. She had ended the letter by proudly stating that her nose had personality and was part of her Jewish heritage.), or whether her mother could sing well, if maybe she was an actress on Broadway. Sometimes she was just so pissed she didn't even bother pretending like she was writing to someone, like when she was talking about the Tony awards and how some dude got ripped off by some other dude whose names he can't pronounce or even remember. Or when she writes about Sandy Ryerson refusing her for another solo even though she knows with absolute certainty that she was the best singer in that school.
By her forty-first letter, he came into the picture for real. It was a surreal experience, seeing himself through her eyes.
Dear mom. Remember Finn Hudson? I always knew he was different. He sings! Not as well as me obviously, since he lacks my years of training and my perfect pitch. When Mr Schue said he was going to be joining glee, I was apprehensive because what would a jock know about show choir? I was so wrong. He saved the glee club, he brought us all together with that song. He is more than just his handsome and chiseled features and God-like physique. He has a pure soul. I think I found a kindred spirit mom. Rachel Barbara Berry.
Finn blushed furiously at the word god-like physique before he began to laugh hysterically. This must be Rachel in her psycho mode. That evening when they were on the web cam, he casually mentioned the need to work out and maintain his god-like body. Rachel almost choked on the water she was drinking. He burst out into hysterical laughter as she turned beet red and she hid her face in the palm of her hands.
"You read it!" she moaned, her voice muffled by her hands.
"Oh I definitely did. Me and my handsome and chiseled face thanks you for the compliment, Rachel Berry."
"Shut up Finn! Can't you see how embarrassing this is for me?" Her face was still squished against her palms and she was shaking her head profusely. She was adorable and he was ridiculously entertained.
"C'mon Rach, look up. I miss your face."
"No. You're just going to laugh at me."
"I won't." Slowly, she peeked out from behind her palms. The memory of their first song came unbidden into his mind at that moment. Rachel, with her crazy eyes, stalking over to him and pulling at his arm like crazy as she sang her heart out. She had scared the crap out of him then. Now it just made him laugh so much harder.
"Finn!"
"I'm sorry baby. I'll stop, I'll stop, I promise. See? No more laughter," he said as he tried to keep a straight face. She groaned, her face scrunched up in annoyance.
"I suppose it's my own fault for letting you read them. You were supposed to skip the middle parts!"
"I'm reading them all, babe. Every single one." She looked touched, and smile softly at him. Man he missed her smiles. Even her crazy ones.
"You are? You really are the love of my life."
"We're kindred spirits remember?"
"Finn!"
"I'm not making fun of you. I'm not going to lie Rach. If I was still that boy reading that letter, I would have ran screaming my head off for help. Even if I didn't know what kindred meant. But things are different now. Now I just think you're cute and I wish I could kiss you senseless." Her smile grew wider with each word and her gaze became shyer. Sometimes, Finn wondered if being with Rachel Berry made him a smoother talker or if it was just because she's the only one who understands what he means through all his bullshit and awkward sentences.
"Thanks Finn. So where are you now?" Talking with Rachel about her letters was kind of weird.
"Fifty nine left to go."
"I can't believe you read forty one letters in two weeks."
"Well it makes the days go by faster. I mean you're coming home in two weeks." Her smile widened. She was in her nightgown and sitting at her desk. As she leaned forward to adjust her camera, he got a very good view down the front of her collar. Maybe she could wear this little slip to bed every day. That would be awesome.
"I know. I can't wait to see you in person. This program is amazing Finn. These people accept my criticism and grating personality openly. It might be because some of them are worst than me, especially this girl Ashley who is truly the most arrogant girl I have had the misfortune to meet. Alan says her talent has got nothing on me though. He's sweet like that. He's really nice to me, Finn." Wait. Ellen was a he?
"Alan's a boy?" She looked at him in surprise.
"Yes of course he is."
"Is he a gay boy?"
"No. I don't know actually. He's just a boy. What's wrong?" she asked when she caught his frown.
"Is he bigger than me?" Her confusion changed into a devilish smile and she beamed at him.
"Finn Hudson, are you jealous?"
"No," he answered sullenly. He was just surprised that the girl he thought she was partners with was actually a dude. A city dude. A dude who knows all about musicals and theater. Like St. Jackass. Only in the city. Rachel Berry was now the one laughing at him.
"He knows all about you Finn. You're all I talk about here."
"You sure you're not charmed by his musical talent and perfectly coifed hair?"
"How did you know his hair was perfectly coifed?" Images of Jesse St. James and his poofy hair filled his brain.
"Just a guess."
"Oh. No. He is those things and he has an uncanny ability to reference every musical under the sun, but I guess he just isn't my type." She giggled at his dark look. "He doesn't have your chiseled features or your god-like physique, unfortunately." He smiled. Good.
"He's not a kindred spirit then?"
"No baby. That would only be you."
"I could get used to you calling me baby. It's kinda hot."
"I could get used to saying it." She was looking at him flirtatiously and he was missing her so much at that moment because he just really, really wanted to kiss her. The way she was looking at him, with her face all serious and intense made him think she probably wanted the same thing.
"You being in New York really sucks at the moment."
"I know." She sighed as she ran a hand through her hair. She looked at him and smiled sadly. "Two more weeks right?"
"Two more weeks. That's all." It felt like forever. They said their goodbyes because she needed to wake up early and he planned on running the next morning. He was tempted to open another letter but decided against it. He was never going to sleep if he did. One letter would only lead to another, and with the way he was missing her right then, he woudn't be surprised he ended up reading all her letters until morning. Sleep came didn't come easy that night.