Author's Note: Dedicated to WalnutHulls who messaged me the one-shot prompt, "Jane and Maura go grocery shopping."

"You Want Me To Eat What?"

What was it about a Sunday morning that seemed so much more relaxing than any weekday morning off? Jane contemplated that as she fiddled with the Sudoku puzzle in the morning paper. 9…9…9….she chanted to herself as she ran her finger across the rows, deducing by process of elimination where the next 9 would go. Maybe it was how there was no traffic on their morning run? No impatient drivers, barreling past at illegal speeds in a hurry to shave off an extra minute or two from their commute time. No blaring horns. No fresh exhaust billowing around their faces as they ran. Running on Sunday mornings was nice, especially when the early service bells of the churches chimed in concert.

"9…8…7…6…" she ran her finger down one line, "5!"

Maybe it was the anticipation of the Sunday games that would start in a few hours. She'd already pulled out her Pats jersey and had it ready to go, laying it out with the same care and tenderness that Maura would put out a designer dress for fancy cocktail hour. Maybe it was because Sundays meant family dinner. Not that they didn't have dinner all together other nights but Sunday was always a guarantee. Besides, Frankie had gone on two dates this week with the same girl and she hadn't had the chance to play older sister about it yet and try to embarrass him in front of their mother.

Maura peered over her shoulder, and surveyed Jane's progress on the puzzle; she smiled, taking a sip of her coffee. "The 4 goes here…here…and here…2 here…1 there…and that should be a 7."

"Dammit! Maura!" Jane huffed.

"You said you would go the grocery store with me when you finished your puzzle, almost half an hour ago," Maura smirked as she placed a hand on her hip and waited.

Jane groaned; she hated going to the grocery store. She couldn't explain it really, she imagined it harkened back to her childhood and being dragged around the market by her mother for what seemed like hours, endless hours of buy one get one free and coupon sorting and matching. Shopping for a family of five was no quick affair.

"Fine, let's go."

Jane plodded along behind Maura through the fresh vegetables, arms crossed, reading the cards above clearly foreign vegetation. "Who eats this stuff?"

Maura laughed under her breath, looking back with amusement over her shoulder, "You do, Jane. I do. Many people."

"I certainly do not eat…" she glanced back at the card, "…Bok Choy."

"It's just cabbage, Jane. You've had it many times in Chinese cuisine."

Maura stopped in front of a selection of radicchio and admired the vibrant maroon heads of the leafy vegetable with their contrasting white veins that spidered through the leaves.

"I think you should pick something else, there's something wrong with that lettuce," Jane grabbed a head of iceberg and held it out.

"There's nothing wrong with it," Maura smiled, waving away Jane's suggestion, "it's radicchio, it's supposed to look like this and it's not lettuce, it's a leafy chicory and it's Italian."

Jane eyed the vegetable with suspicion.

"Did you like the salad I made for your lunch this past week," Maura inquired nonchalantly. Jane nodded. "The little reddish strips were sliced raddichio. However, I think I'll grill this one or perhaps serve it with a nice risotto. The bitter taste when eaten raw is lessened when cooked."

Aisle after endless aisle of shit that looked nothing like what she had ever purchased in the normal people's grocery store, you know, the one where people weren't ashamed to saunter in wearing their pajamas or with uncombed hair. Organic…beer. There just had to be something wrong with that. Not to mention that a box of cereal cost nearly a day's pay. Ok, she exaggerated a little when she made that comment to Maura. And she felt a little bad because one morning when she was really desperate she had actually tried Maura's Musli-GoLean-Nut-Crunch-Berry Flakes with Granola-McYogurt-Clusters or whatever the hell it was called, being as she couldn't read what language the box was in. In any event, it wasn't half bad.

"Soy milk!" Oh, now Maura was going too far. "That is not milk."

Maura quirked an eyebrow, looking at the carton in her hand and back at Jane, "Technically you are correct, as soy milk is derived from the process of soaking, grinding and draining soy beans and not from the mammary glands of a cow or other suitable animal…"

Jane held up a hand, "Please, spare me the intimate details of bovine lactation." Bovine lactation? Dammit. Maura was rubbing off on her.

"It is comparable in many ways to the nutritional value of cow's milk, and…" Maura tapped the date on the top of the carton, "…it keeps much longer than regular milk thus reducing the likelihood of waste." She felt instantly proud of the case she had made.

"Nope. I drink milk. Like, real milk." Jane crossed her harms and nearly stomped her foot much as a petulant child would at the onset of a proper tantrum.

"Mmmhmm, Jane, may I ask you something?" Maura paused. "Have you noticed, say, in the past month, less gastrointestinal upset, lessened abdominal bloating and…decreased flatulence?"

"Maura!" Jane's mouth dropped aghast as she looked around quickly to make sure no one was within in earshot. With a deep breath intended to beat back the red rash of embarrassment she was certain was creeping up her neck, Jane pondered the question, "Maybe…a little."

"Yes, as I suspected. I believe you may be mildly lactose intolerant," Maura tapped the carton again, "lactose free."

No dice, Dr. Smartypants, "I haven't been drinking soy milk for the past month," Jane retorted.

Maura put the carton in the shopping cart, "Oh, yes you have. I simply washed out the old milk jug and refilled it with soy milk. I've noticed you never check the expiration date, a dangerous practice might I add, so I hypothesized that you would not notice the switch." Maura smiled, waggling her eyebrows as her dimples beat Jane into submission.

"What next? Are we going to buy tofu like the quintessential little lesbian couple?" Jane ribbed, the words dripping with sarcasm.

"In fact…"

"Maura!" Jane whined, "I don't want to be vegetarian."

"Neither do I Jane. But, I happen to enjoy some dishes with tofu instead of meat." Maura selected a fresh block of extra firm tofu from the shelf.

"Well, I don't"

"Hmm, did you like that teriyaki stir fry, I made a couple of weeks ago?" Maura turned and drummed her fingers on the rail of the cart.

"Yeah that was delicious, you should make that agai…Maura…"

"Tofu, Jane."

"That wasn't fried egg, was it?"

"Tofu."

"Tofu. Of course it was." Jane sighed.

Maura moved her cart to the side of the next aisle and stepped up behind an elderly gentleman and waited patiently. The machine he was operating ground out a steady hum.

"Ok, now, fresh ground coffee I can get behind," Jane remarked, placing her hands on Maura's shoulders and giving her a gentle squeeze.

"That's not a coffee grinder," Maura let her hand fall on top of Jane's and gave it a pat back. "Fresh peanut butter."

"No, I'm putting my foot down. You do not mess with a detective's comfort food. Some things are sacred, Maur. Sacred."

Maura stepped up to the grinder and placed one of the plastic containers under the dispenser. She glanced at Jane, who was in a full on pout and shook her head with exasperation.

"Just…tell me, what's wrong with good old fashioned Jif extra creamy?" Jane watched as the peanut butter oozed out of the spout. It reminded her of one of those play-doh sets where you put the hunk of clay in the hole and a lever squeezes it out in long varying shaped ribbons.

"This has less sugar and preservatives. You seemed to like it fine when your mother made us peanut butter and fluff sandwiches during the Thursday night football game…"

"No…No! You already bait and switched me with peanut butter too! And my own mother was complicit!"

Maura laughed, wrapping her arms around her pouty girlfriend's waste and lifting up on her toes to place a light kiss to her lips. "I'm…sorry?"

"You are not," Jane tried to keep a straight face, but couldn't, chuckling as she let Maura kiss her again, "and you're a terrible liar, remember?"

"You're right. I'm not sorry."

Jane picked up the peanut butter, "Can we…put it in the Jif jar? I think it will hurt my pride less that way. And, exactly how long have you been switching out all my foods?"

"How long have we been dating?" Maura asked with a flippant tone as she winked and motioned for Jane to push the cart as she walked towards the check out aisle.

"Two months…" Unbelievable. Jane shook her head with an amused smile as she followed.