I almost had them meet in this part but it just did not 'flow' correctly to me. Goodness knows how this story will go; I just write it, I am not in control of it, though. Anyway. Hope you like.
/
Do I really deserve to be forgiven? How can a child ever absolve all that I cannot forget?
/
She almost turns around and leaves.
It would certainly be easier to pretend the flight got cancelled or she became suddenly ill. It wouldn't be the right thing to do, Marissa knows this - but leaving before she truly arrives could possibly save her from what might happen once she steps through that door; from what might happen once she is seen and cannot just vanish into thin air.
As a lawyer, Marissa is good about staying within the parameters of the law – no toes over the line, no facts that cannot be verified, no lying when that palm touches the bible. As a person, though, Marissa is much too good at being loose with right and wrong; she is adept at stretching the truth if it will spare her some form of pain.
It's why she didn't want to get close to Krystal or David.
It's why she never loved J.R. like she vowed to.
It's why she left Pine Valley in the middle of the night.
And so she almost turns around; she almost leaves before her hand can freeze upon the door knob to Krystal's restaurant. Marissa almost decides to bury that letter from A.J., to hide it away amongst the many other bits and baubles that she wants so desperately to forget – pictures of parents long gone, stories from some other child who was left behind. She almost believes that to walk away again would keep them all from making more mistakes with each other.
Marissa almost buys these lines she is trying to sell to herself, too.
But then she sees A.J. through the panes of glass, one foot tucked under his body as he sits at a table and a mop-top of blond hair falling into his eyes as his head tilts downward, and Marissa's doubting thoughts grind to a halt.
Marissa sees the boy that she has so sorely missed and her resolve to save herself before all others just crumbles into a million pieces.
The door that Marissa once shut is thrust open again when A.J.'s eyes find her standing there; as caught as she has ever been, like a frightened animal framed by headlights.
And so all those tantalizing escape routes disappear.
/
Will I ever be anything other than weary with emotion? How do I explain away the emptiness I feel inside?
/
Kendall is nothing if not tenacious.
And tenacity is a quality that Kendall must have been born with; the woman has that certain something that occurs when you must fight from the very start - that intangible but ultimately necessary ability to hold on when the world spins out of control. Kendall will always be a survivor because she never gives up; she keeps battling even when, maybe, she should not.
Bianca was not born with this quality; it was eventually forced into her, though. It wasn't cultivated out of choice but rather dragged up by the darkness that threatened to swallow her whole – with every bite of food she made herself eat, with every second of her 'coming out', with the morning after Michael Cambias, with picking up and moving on after every heartbreak.
Kendall struggles onward because she still believes there is better ahead; Bianca keeps going because she has become used to this endless war.
Bianca isn't sure she has actually survived at all.
Bianca isn't sure about a lot of things these days – and it shows.
"You know you can talk to me about anything."
That's how Kendall starts things off the next day as the Fusion offices become less and less populated by employees. That's the invitation that Kendall extends and, once upon a time, Bianca would have leapt at those words without a second thought. But the changes that this latest trial in Bianca's life has wrought are hard-pressed to be moved and so she turns a weak excuse of a smile onto her sister.
"Pretty wild weather we are having lately, hmm?"
Kendall's heavy sigh says more than any sentence could convey.
"Bianca—"
"Kendall, there is nothing to talk about."
"How long are you going to keep me in the dark, Binks? Because I know something is wrong with you."
Of course, Kendall is right; of course, something is terribly wrong but if Bianca cannot figure out the way to fix things, then how can anyone else? Her sister's eyes are imploring with their obvious caring; they are begging Bianca for entrance and it is so tempting to just give in…
…but not nearly tempting enough.
"I've got a date with Sienna this evening, so I really need to get going. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"
Another cheap smile. Another quick walk away from any sort of admission.
Another leg of this never-ending march that Bianca cannot seem to abandon.
/
But maybe I am wrong; maybe it will all work out, in the end…
/
Marissa can feel J.R.'s stare against the side of her face as she sits down.
On the one hand, the sensation of J.R. watching her like a hawk is mildly annoying and she wants to turn that coolness back onto him; she wants to give as good as she gets, just like old times. And yet, on the other hand, she cannot fault J.R. for feeling protective. He might have been the one to step outside of the rules when it came to their marriage but Marissa was the one who cut the ties to A.J. as if it meant nothing at all.
So, to say that she is surprised that J.R. remains across the room – arms crossed over his chest and blue eyes unblinking in their singular focus – is a bit of an understatement. But she'd almost welcome the man's intrusion at this point because she has no idea what to say to the boy before her. She isn't sure what to do with her arms; they want to reach out and they want to gather A.J. up and they want to never let go again. She isn't sure what to do with her nervous gaze; eyes that want to sink to the floor in shame but eyes that also want to run over every freckle and every faded cut that this borrowed son now carries.
And Marissa isn't sure how to be the adult right now; she is left floundering under the self-judgment that never truly goes away. It is the wave of regret that keeps her quiet; a shadowy torrent that rolls over her mind and her heart with a deadly intent. This feeling is enough to turn any attempt at reconciliation into just more wreckage upon her shore; this feeling is enough to keep Marissa tongue tied for the rest of life.
Where she struggles, though, A.J. easily soars.
In a gaze too kind and too innocent to have come from the Chandler sitting several tables over, A.J. captures Marissa's attention with an enviable sort of calm. The boy gets up from his chair and, suddenly, she cannot look away from him; the boy lightly crashes into her and, suddenly, her arms know exactly what to do.
"I'm glad you're back, Mom."
And, suddenly, Marissa knows the only words that need to be said in return.
"Me, too, A.J… Me, too."
/
…But maybe I am wrong; maybe this heart isn't as shattered as I choose to believe…
/
For all the apathy that threatens to claim her, Bianca sets that burden down whenever she sees Miranda and Gabby.
Parents always hope that their children will turn out better than they have; that the slings and arrows that life likes to throw will not strike those youthful hearts. Parents always try to keep the wolves at bay – where you were hurt, they will never suffer; where you were wounded, they will never bleed. It is this drive to protect that prevents Bianca from completely falling apart; it is this love for her children that stops her from lying down and never getting up again.
Leaning against the doorway to Miranda's bedroom when she should be getting dressed for a date, Bianca watches her daughter. She watches the slow back and forth of Miranda's bare feet as the girl rests on her bed – legs up in the air and crossed at the ankle, stomach pressed firmly into the mattress, and a book in front of very familiar brown eyes. Miranda doesn't even realize she is being looked at since she is so absorbed in whatever fantasy those pages have laid out and this causes Bianca to actually smile.
A real smile; a true smile.
Everything else is in the eye of the storm but not this moment. Everything else is up in the air but this moment will become the ground on which Bianca can stand – if only for a little while, if only for a second or two.
"…Mom?"
Bianca is taken out of her brief reverie by that voice and finds Miranda staring at her curiously. And she should leave her daughter alone, let the girl continue reading; she should be putting on those high-heels and zipping up the back of that dress. Bianca should be preparing for another night of talking that isn't going anywhere and of kisses that feel more like pleasantries.
Instead, though, Bianca walks over to Miranda and sits down beside her daughter. She pulls the girl to her, hugging Miranda as if it were the last time ever; Bianca closes her eyes and inhales the sweet scent of all she still holds dear. Because there is still something good in this world and Bianca tells herself to never forget this fact; because Gabby is just down the hall - watching some silly cartoon and giggling – and Bianca can hear that sound echoing into her very soul.
Because as bad as it sometimes seems, Bianca has this moment to hold on to.
This moment of embracing her daughter, of kissing the top of Miranda's head and suddenly the world isn't as harsh as it once appeared. Oh, Bianca knows things like this do not last forever; children grow up and move away and then one must face all the paths not taken. Bianca will, one day, have to take a long and hard look at the life she is ignoring out of self-preservation.
But for now, this is the moment that saves her.
This is the moment that keeps Bianca from simply fading away.
/
…maybe there is hope for me yet…
/
To Be Continued…