It's been forever, no excuses, hope someone is still interested in this.
Night lights filter through the partially opened blinds illuminating the otherwise dark room, she lies still, absently staring at the ceiling. Her hands rest on her flat belly, they press lightly, seeking something, anything, there should be a difference. They're trying to prove her brain wrong, there can't be a baby in there.
Her brain defeats them with simple logic, it's too soon, there won't be any physical signs yet, try again in a few months. She sighs, if she could just turn off her brain for a little while maybe she could get some sleep. It's a lost cause.
He doesn't seem to be having that problem, his even breaths are the only sound that disturbs the quiet of the night. April turns around slowly, trying not to disturb him.
Her eyes roam his sleeping form, he looks peaceful, younger. Maybe is the dim light that illuminates his face, or maybe is the fact that he's not frowning, his face is completely relaxed in slumber.
He's beautiful, there's no other word good enough to describe him. She bits her lip, fighting the urge of running her fingertips along his features. She hopes their baby looks like him.
She turns again, trying to erase the word baby from her mind, just for the night. She's terrified of all that it implies, she wants a baby, she truly does. She wants his baby, but she's not ready, they're not ready. Her life is not in the right place, no board certification, no marriage.
But there is a baby and there could be a marriage, he offered. He says he wants both.
She flips onto her back, her hands traveling to her belly again. She feels guilty for believing this was a punishment, for wishing there was no baby. All life is precious, their baby is a gift, not a retribution for breaking the rules. Even if it wasn't planned, it will be loved.
"Come here," Jackson sighs startling her, evidently all her twisting and turning woke him up. April feels his hands on her a second later, dragging her to the other side of the bed, bringing her into his arms.
"Sorry," she murmurs apologetically, "I can't sleep."
Her muscles are tense, it's kind of awkward being pressed up his body, as wonderful as it feels, is something she not very used to, except when they are having sex, but that's another thing entirely. This, this is cuddling. They're cuddling, they never did that in bathroom stalls and on-call rooms.
"I know," he chuckles, "I can almost hear the wheels turning inside your head, just relax." He moves his fingertips lazily along her back. She can't believe how calm he is, he's probably still half asleep.
Jackson appears to be taking the situation much better than her, he had no trouble falling asleep and he seems completely at ease with her presence in his bed. He's normally so closed off about his feelings, maybe he's putting up a good front for her sake. One hysterical future parent is enough.
She tries, she really does. She tries to enjoy the feeling of being surrounded by his warmth, his scent, how feminine and safe she feels inside his arms. She loves it, but it's against her nature to not worry, she can't stop thinking.
"I can't," April admits dejected, "all I can think about is this, this is a baby Jackson, a real human being that's going to depend on us for everything for the next I don't know how many years, we are out of our depths here, what if we screw up?"
He sighs, pushing her away slightly to meet her eyes. "Look I know you are scared, I am too. This wasn't part of the plan, we don't have everything figured it out. And yes, we're probably gonna screw up frequently, but we'll just do our best, that's what everyone does, I know we can do this," Jackson reassures her.
He's being so patient, pushing aside his own doubts and insecurities to comfort her, April knows he must have some too, but he's really trying, for her. Still, she has to be honest about her feelings, maybe she just needs to hear him promise that they are going to be okay.
She sits up, leaving Jackson's arms. "But we're not ready, our relationship is so new, can it even be considered a real relationship? We're friends that are sleeping together and I got knocked up," she says, admitting to her biggest insecurity.
"I asked you to marry me, how more real can it get?" He asks exasperated.
"I don't know if getting married is the right thing to do," April looks down, avoiding his eyes, it's not the time to be distracted by them.
"You don't want to get married?" He sounds strange, almost hurt.
She looks at him, now sitting up in front of her, shoulders tense, eyes boring into hers, he looks hurt. "I don't want you to feel obligated to do it," she admits softly.
He frowns. "I don't."
"But if there wasn't a baby..."
"What is this really about? You don't want to get married or you don't want to marry me? Am I not good enough to be your husband?" Jackson asks harshly.
She's speechless, she can't believe he would think that. "That's not..."
He interrupts her, "it's because I don't share your faith? So what, I'm good enough for you to get laid, but I'm not husband material?"
His tone is still harsh, he looks angry, jaw clenched and the usual frown set in place, but she can see he's trying to hide how truly hurt he is by that thought. And April realizes her recent actions might have been making him feel inadequate.
"I can't believe you would even think that," she says flustered, "of course I don't think you aren't good enough to be my husband, you're a good man, a great doctor. Religion doesn't have anything to do with my doubts about getting married."
"Then what is it?"
"You said it yourself a few months ago, you were not ready to be anybody's husband, so what changed? The only difference is this baby."
"Our baby," he rectifies.
"Our baby," April acknowledges, "I don't want you to marry me because you feel guilty or think is the right thing to do because you're gonna regret it eventually and I can't deal with that."
"Can you please stop assuming that you know what I think or feel about this or what my reasons are for wanting to marry you?" He says clearly exasperated.
"Can you honestly tell me I'm wrong? Would you have proposed if there wasn't a baby?"
"Look, no, I probably wouldn't have," he admits, "because what we had was new and complicated, so why rush into things? And marriage has never been a top priority of mine, just look at my role models."
She knows what he's talking about, divorced parents, absent father, successful single mother and a grandfather that, if rumors are true, is quite the ladies man.
He grabs her hands and continues,"but the fact is that there's a baby and maybe we're not ready, but I know we can make it work. This thing between us, it feels right. You said it yourself, something that feels this good can't be bad."
She bits her lower lip, unsure about what to respond. He's right, being together feels good, more than that, it feels amazing, but that's not the issue, she's afraid that they'll be getting married for all the wrong reasons.
His hands squeeze hers, "you want to know what else changed? My feelings for you, I've had them for some time, but I'm sure now, I love you April, I love everything about you, even the things I don't like I love and I want you with me. And I don't want to just date, even if I'm scared, I want the whole damn thing."
She can't look away from his eyes, they're intense, mesmerizing, he looks at her like she's the only woman in the world, he is saying I love you, with his eyes and his mouth and she's almost afraid she's dreaming all of it, she doesn't want to pinch herself, just in case.
You're supposed to answer something, you idiot, she thinks. "I love you too," she blurts out, "I don't have a big speech, I just love you." It feels wonderful to say out loud, liberating, she wants to say it over and over again and hear it back every time.
"I don't need a big speech," he shrugs, a smile on his face. He brings her closer, his intentions clear.
She smiles back, is impossible not to. "Good because I don't have one, I just love you," she manages to say before he presses his lips to hers effectively silencing her. He kisses her forcefully, stealing her breath and she responds with the same intensity, wrapping her arms around his neck when he raises her to his lap.
His hands travel under her top, they roam the smooth skin of her back raising goosebumps along the way, she wants to rip off his own t-shirt and repay the favor, make him feel an ounce of what he does to her.
April struggles to regain her breath as he presses kisses down her neck, "just so you know, I'm probably gonna freak out like ten million times until this baby comes and even more afterwards," she warns him.
She feels his smile against her skin. "I know," Jackson says before claiming her lips again.