CHAPTER 4 ~Confessions And Doubts~
Sherlock lays in his bed wide awake the next night because he cant get to sleep without thinking of John. Sherlock sits up frustrated and restless, he gets off of the bed and he sneaks across the flat over to Johns room. He opens Johns door and finds John asleep sprawled out on the bed. Sherlock smiles as he walks over seeing Johns shirt half unbuttoned and that his pants hung around his ankles as he fell asleep trying to get ready for bed. Sherlock removes his pants laying them on the floor and he pulls the blanket over John. He waits there for a minute watching John sleep, seeing his chest rise and fall as he sleeps soundly. Sherlock leaves Johns room and goes back to his laying on the bed finally able to sleep. The next morning John lightly shakes Sherlock awake "Sherlock, Sherlock" he opens his eyes seeing John. "John, what s wrong"? Sherlock asks instantly thinking something has exploded. John calms Sherlock down "no, nothing is wrong, but you have slept in way too late, its almost 2 in the after noon so I figured I would wake you up" Sherlock gets out of bed and walks over to the kitchen feeling embarrassed that he slept in so late during the day.
John walks past Sherlock, their hands brushing against each other as he passes. Sherlock blushes slightly feeling Johns soft hand. Sherlock finally speaks up "John, I have to tell you something. Its about that night that Moriarty had us hostage" John raises his eyebrow at Sherlock not sure where this would lead to considering Sherlock to be, well Sherlock. "ok, then what do you have to tell" ? John says standing near the wall. "John I ..I love you" Sherlock looks at John feeling his cheeks burning. He sees a flicker of pain cross over Johns eyes. Sherlock walks over to John backing John up against the wall. "Sherlock stop fooling around" Sherlock backs away a few inches. "Do you mean to tell me that you feel nothing for me"? Sherlock asks feeling a pain in his chest. "I don t know Sherlock. The last thing I want to look for anymore is love. Its just a let down." Sherlock leans in brushing his cheek against Johns whispering into Johns ear. "I wont ever let you down John" Sherlock kisses Johns cheek and John pushes him back.
Sherlock looks at John saddened and confused. "John, don t let what Amy did to you stop your whole life from moving forward" John walks past Sherlock angered by all of this. Sherlock stops John turning him around to face Sherlock. "What" ? John snaps at Sherlock not really caring if he hurts Sherlock s feelings at this point. "John, where are you going"? John grabs his coat opening the door. "out Sherlock" grabs Johns arm not wanting him to leave. John shoves Sherlock back causing Sherlock to fall against the edge of the chair toppling it over. John leaves slamming the door, leaving his flat mate on the floor. "John.." Sherlock doesn't move from his position for a few minutes sorting through all that could be done to help John. John goes to the pub and orders a bottle. John looks around the pub at all of the faces, keeping a eye out for anyone suspicious. He didn't see or sense anyone who might cause a threat so he began downing the bottle. A man sits down next to John nudging his arm "hey, you were in the military right"? John looks over at the man who asked nodding "yea I was" The man pats Johns shoulder "I knew it I can smell a military man from a mile away, my names Keith" Something felt off to John. 'Come on, don t fall for that. You just got out of the hospital a few days ago'. John turns away from Keith. "Sorry Keith but I m in no mood to talk. Maybe some other time". John hears him get up and walk away, he sighs in relief once Keith left. Another bottle down and John feels a bit more then a light buzz speeding through his veins, he knew he was drunk. John gets up from the bar taking a taxi home. Staggering up the stairs John makes it inside the flat, dropping his coat on the ground heading towards his room. John didn't notice Sherlock waiting up for him or that Sherlock placed his coat back on the hanger after he went to his room. Sherlock retreats to his room for the night letting John sleep off the alcohol in his system. The next morning John wakes up with a pounding headache as his hangover begins. John goes to the kitchen and fixes up a quick hangover remedy before he goes on with his morning routine. Since Sherlock's secret was out in the open John started to avoid any physical contact with the detective, his flat mate and his friend. For John it was just too painful and at the wrong time. If Sherlock had confessed before his Death then maybe things would be different but that s not the case. The week comes to a close and Lestrade starts to give them cases again. As for Sherlock and John the cases are to simple for Sherlock to put very much effort into it. He wanted a difficult case again, one that he actually had to work on and put his skills to good use. Several days passed and Sherlock and John started to fall out of place. Sherlock kept trying to get close to John but every time John backed away or he took off for hours at a time not telling Sherlock where he was going. Giving Sherlock every reason to worry about him and think of the worst that could happen to John.
Sherlock was about to go mad with the way John was acting towards Sherlock's feelings. Like it would kill John if they were to touch at all. Sherlock knew that John was never like this before, John was always warm with a level head on his shoulders all the time. Sherlock loved how John would explain something to a person that Sherlock deducted. How John found a way to put his heart into every word, making the person feel better about themselves thanks to John. To Sherlock John might as well be a totally different person, and Sherlock hated that. Sherlock was furious that John didn't even go out and date anymore, even though Sherlock hated the idea of that he wanted John back to his normal heartwarming self again. The next night John went out, that made Sherlock happy, he thought that he would reconnect with his old war buddies. A few hours later Sherlock remained in his chair awaiting Johns return, drunk or buzzed like he was recently. Sherlock herd Johns approach up the steps, he could tell that John was drunk with the way the steps creaked to a uneven stumbling walk. He herd him at the top of the steps and stumble against the wall. Sherlock hesitated whether or not to go and bring John in. The hesitation ended and Sherlock remained glued to his chair in the dark flat. Then Sherlock herd what had to be a moan from the other side of the door, the detective uncrossed his legs gripping the arms of his chair tightly. Sherlock herd the door open and herd the sound of a girls laughter as she and John walked and stumbled through the front door. They staggered up to Johns room closing the door behind him. Sherlock gripped his chest feeling as if his heart could stop beating at any moment due to this new side of John. Sherlock made his way over to Johns door, hiding behind the corner closest to Johns door in the deep shadows of their flat. Sherlock could hear the sound of lips smacking together followed by muffled moans coming from both John and the women. John was going way to far with her, he didn't even go this far with the deceitful Amy. Sherlock sunk to the floor hearing everything. He felt like if he heard anymore he would not only lose his sense of sanity, he hoped his heart would stop putting him out of his misery. Everything came to a standstill when he heard the disapproving gasp escape from the women's lips. "oh, you didn't tell me that you had more then one scar John" he heard a muffled response from John too dulled to make anything out. The women got off of the bed, apparently grabbing her things "There s no way I m going near those hideous scars you freak" Sherlock jolted when he heard her storm out of the darkened flat. He heard John fall back onto the bed and for a moment everything was quiet. Then as Sherlock pressed his ear against Johns door he heard the quickened breathing of John sobbing, Sherlock clutched onto the door balling his hands into fists as the tears streamed down his cheeks.
When the sobbing ceased and things quieted down again, Sherlock went into Johns room. He walked over to where John lay curled up slightly, his face still red. Sherlock could see the perfect vein from Johns forehead raised against his skin due to the intensity of his sobbing. Sherlock gently rubbed Johns forehead then wiped the tears away from Johns eyes. Sherlock gently placed the blanket over John smelling the aroma of alcohol on Johns breath. He was out for the night Sherlock leaned down lightly kissing Johns forehead "as I said before. I will never let you down" Sherlock whispered to John before leaving the room. Sherlock's grey eyes opened as he heard a noise coming from Johns room. Sherlock got up stumbling his way through the dark flat and over to Johns room. Once he opened the door he was hit with a wall of heat coming from Johns room. Sherlock made his way over to John, he was tossing and turning on his bed, slightly whimpering as well. Sherlock placed his hand to Johns forehead feeling his skin burning with fever. Sherlock bolted out of the room and grabbed a washcloth and soaked it in cold water, ringing it out before running back to Johns room. He placed it on Johns head and stripped the blankets from John to help ensure John wouldn't raise his fever with the blankets on him. Sherlock waited by Johns bedside for a few minutes before leaving. Close to another hour later Sherlock woke again due to Johns tossing and turning because of the fever, Sherlock picked John up carrying him to his room. Sherlock laid John down on his bed feeling the dramatic temperature difference between the rooms, Sherlock's room was much cooler. Once again he got a cold cloth and placed it over Johns forehead, he then took Johns pulse, concerned about John having this violent of a fever. Johns pulse was accelerated, Sherlock stripped Johns shoes, pants and his sweater from John. Leaving John in a grey T-shirt and his boxers. Sherlock stayed awake the rest of the night frequently re cooling his washcloth and every so often he took Johns pulse just to be safe. When morning finally broke Sherlock was leaning into his chair, the dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. His eyes were threatening to close but he wanted to make sure John would be ok. He didn't want to sleep even though he needed it badly. Sherlock kept starring at John on the bed as Miss Hudson walked into the room. "Sherlock, what s wrong you look exhausted" Miss Hudson visited them every chance she could after hearing about the incident with Moriarty. She walked over to Sherlock "John has a fever. I need to stay awake and make sure he gets better" Sherlock's voice was Zombified he leaned forward eyes closing. Miss Hudson caught Sherlock just before he fell out of his chair, his head rested against Miss Hudson's shoulder. Sherlock's eyes snapped open seconds later panic in his face "John, John" Miss Hudson stroked Sherlock's face shushing him. "Sherlock, get some sleep and I will tend to John" Sherlock protested "oh Sherlock I have had two children and I have three grandchildren. I have the motherly skills to tend to a grown man with a fever, and a sleep deprived genius for a few days if needed" She smiled at Sherlock's impressed expression. She pulled the detective to his feet and laid him down in his bed next to John, Sherlock brushed his hand against Johns arm feeling the dramatic difference in body temperature. Sherlock's eyes closed as his hand held onto Johns burning arm.
Johns eyes fluttered open starring at the ceiling. He felt week and his head heavy. John could tell immediately that he had a fever. The thing he was not sure of was how the fever was brought on it was not cold enough outside or the cold and flue season for that fact. John looked to the side seeing Sherlock asleep next to him. John looked down at his arm seeing Sherlock's hand over it. John allowed a light smile to creep upon his lips, when Miss Hudson came into the room Johns smile vanished.
"M-Miss Hudson, what are you doing here"? John asked confused as to why she was there. "John you had a fever. I heard Sherlock going back and forth from his room to yours a few times last night. The poor dear, he was up all night trying to bring down your fever, I came in around 7am to find him still awake in his chair. He was like a Zombie, he did the most difficult work for me last night but I finally got him to sleep about 6 hours ago" John looked at Sherlock amazed that Sherlock went to those lengths to help his friend. "Well thank you. I think the fever is gone now". Miss Hudson patted Johns shoulder "He really loves you John. I can tell by the way he is around you. So be a dear and go easy on him" She left the flat leaving the two men alone in the bedroom. John laid in the bed for a while, starring at Sherlock as he slept like the dead. John smiled at Sherlock realizing how much he meant to him, John lightly brushed the soft black curls out of Sherlock s eyes. "you really do love me don t you" John spoke softly to the sleeping Sherlock. John pulled Sherlock closer to him, Sherlock wrapped himself around Johns arm in his sleep smiling. John froze feeling Sherlock against him. Sherlock's face pressed against Johns bicep, his soft black curls brushing against Johns arm. John fell asleep next to Sherlock still feeling tired from last night and dealing with the fever that he had. Eventually Sherlock woke up and he slowly wrapped his arms around John, feeling that Johns fever was gone and that he would be ok. Sherlock's lips lightly brushed Johns cheek. He herd John wake up and instantly John shrugged out of Sherlock's arms getting off of the bed. "Sherlock, stop doing that" John said feeling irritated with Sherlock's behavior at the moment. Sherlock got out of bed walking over behind John placing his hand on Johns shoulder. John turns around facing Sherlock once again not sure what to make of what Sherlock will do next. Sherlock looks into Johns eyes feeling the small gag in the back of his throat. "John, when I told you that I loved you I really meant it. I want to be with you if you ll accept me.." Sherlock stands there in front of John waiting for his reaction