Million and one
A darvey fanfiction
Part 3 – Embedded in your skin
Ache. It's all we know. I want to watch it go but I don't want you and I to change. The fire I feel when I touch your skin and the way you lay your eyes on me go to show how precarious I am; what you do to my body is indecent in the most convenient way. I like you immodest, I like you wrapped up in rapture. When I feel like the greatest man alive – ready to grunt – you make me moan. I remember pushing your panties aside and losing that towel faster than I could reach your neck. I was semi-hard and yet I couldn't wait to take you. I stroked your clit because I wanted you there. I got firm and then you kissed me, thanking me for the way I made you feel.
Panting against my neck, it seems you're starting to realize I chose you over me. You're still catching your breath as you begin kissing that spot on my shoulder. You know I'm still hard but it's just like my license, Donna. I need you more than I need myself. I can still feel you convulse around me: no apologies need be exchanged. You trail kisses up to my neck until you can whisper something in my ear.
"Your turn."
And bite.
Why are you like this? I feel like the luckiest man alive when you put your hands on my ass, press up closer against me and begin rocking back and forth. You're moving your hips side-to-side, finding different shapes as your eyes lock on mine.
I feel reckless. I secure you in my arms, hoisting you up to my waist. A whimper escapes your mouth as I beat a path to the table behind. I know you hurt for a moment but don't ask me to stop now. You don't bolt and this feels like our genesis when you say:
"Fuck me, Harvey."
The way you devour my dick is such a rush. I feel like I'm dashing out of myself, my arm reaching across the table to grab the edge for support. My breath quickens; I pant and I groan with every thrust, kneading your breast as I build my end. I can't close my eyes because it's all I want to see: eyes fixated on mine, breath getting stuck in your throat as you feel all of me and watch me come. And go back to the time I should have known was when I had it all.
And now I know we can never go back. I don't want to go back.
"Thank you," he said, panting and feet barely anchored to the floor as he laid himself on top of her. His mouth felt hot, soft and thankful as he rested his head on her chest.
"You're welcome," she answered gladly. Being pinned down was of no consequence. She felt like shore welcoming wreck.
Maybe it's because I feel responsible. I can't help but be dazzled by the way you're reacting to me and yet sense that this isn't just lust talking. It's everything else too. Harvey… love doesn't mean we should give up on these feelings, right?
"I'm sorry… I'm crushing you." He rubbed his thumb over her upper-arm.
"It's okay, I like it that way," she said, massaging his scalp to help him ride off his orgasm.
"Are we ever getting off this table?" Donna asked after a moment.
He chuckled. "I thought we'd already done that."
"Harvey come on, there's only so many pounds I can handle."
He turned his head and kissed the flat nipple closest to his face before getting off of her.
I jumped the gun and followed your movement by standing up straight, catching your face and kissed you. I kept my eyes open and my lips sealed for the longest time. I don't know if it means what I think it means but I could kiss you every way there is and feel like this is our first and last kiss. The inner-workings of my mind are a complete shambles. Welcome to how Donna can't disguise how much she needs you.
"Don't go to work."
"What?"
"I don't want you to go."
"Donna, do you know what time it is?" He smoothed her hair from her face.
"Do you?"
"I knew maybe twenty minutes ago," he knitted his brows playfully.
"Are you saying you're losing track of time?"
"I'm saying I didn't go to work and I don't plan on going."
"Good."
"Good." He winked at her. "But now I'm famished. So I hope you and I can eat that brunch soon."
She nodded and freed him from her grasp. He picked up his towel and waggled his eyebrows suggestively and said: "I need to shower again. Want to come with?"
"How could I not want to revel in your sweat for another 24 hours?"
"If it suits you…"
She slapped his shoulder playfully. "Just shut up and get me off this table."
He was about to say something but stamped his cockiest look on his face instead.
You grabbed my hand and led me to the bathroom as if you'd been here all this time. You're in front of me and if there was anybody out there watching us, they'd think we'd always been like this. But this is all new. Not even our one night stand 13 years ago ended like this. I'm trying my best not to remember how it ended. Because it still hurts. And what hurts me hurts you too. And we can't have that. I know this is the part both you and I blocked out. I set the rule but we haven't discussed how we'd left things. Does it matter? Probably not but I have my own regrets to live with, Harvey.
It's funny because looking at you, looking at us makes me realize how much we've changed. I still think you have the most gorgeous arms and the strongest back. But you used to have more abs and now your belly's rounder. Is it because of our incessant drinking? I chuckle and you notice.
"What?" Harvey asked.
"The water's tickling my face," she lied.
"That's because you're only getting half-hit by that shower spray." It was an invitation to move closer to him. "Unless you want to keep staring at me," he half-joked.
She sought his neck with her fingers, first feeling her way towards his biceps. "I'd like to go watch you boxing some time."
"Will I get to watch you do yoga if I agree?"
I bite my lip in response and I can't help but wrap my arms around your neck and close in on you. Adrenaline's coursing through my veins as you start touching me; hands brushing past my breasts before you start running your hands down my sides to my hips under the shower spray, eyeing me intensely. Why do you have to look at me like you could say you love me a thousand times? What gave you the right? You've done it before you know? Right before you said you loved me that one time. You'd tilted your head to the side, exposing your neck. It's been a telltale sign of yours for years. You wonder how I know things sometimes, well, that's one of the ways. You've taken my heart with those truths about me and you. Now, I'm getting lost in that neck again because I want to bury myself into now. After so many years of not so much unavailability but physical and so, emotional distance, I feel as if we don't need to get to the talking yet but then you start nudging my knees apart with yours. I'm feeling confused again because I know where your hand is going and I know it would confirm how possessive you are; and it would make me feel good again but I can't let you. And as you get ready for another plunge and attack my lips, I turn my head to the side and you have to stop yourself.
"Donna?" She could feel everything: from muscles getting tense while his grip on her got loose, to him swallowing hard with his Adam's apple bobbing on alert.
She moved her arms to cup his face. "I tried not to Harvey. This feels so good I don't want to ruin this."
"But?" His frown was the least of her concern.
"What changed?"
"What do you mean?" he asked, taken aback.
"Why did you come over?"
"I already answered that," he sighed. "I wasn't going to split and run when you were the only one I wanted to share this with."
"I get that but –"
"And you weren't answering your phone and everybody was talking about sharing things with their loved ones and I –"
"You chose me."
"It wasn't a choice, Donna and you know it."
And there goes that head tilt again. Just because you assume I know everything doesn't mean I do. I'm not in your head. So, excuse me for not letting this go.
"So you're saying it was a decision." She thought he would yank her hands away. He didn't.
"Donna, it really feels like you're trying to get into a fight with me." He felt pestered to do so and he didn't like where this was going one bit.
"I could have been with Thomas," she suggested, bluntly and dropped her arms to her sides.
"You're seriously bringing this up now?" He let go of her too and scratched his head. "Okay, you know what? I just… I decided that I didn't care anymore."
She felt like a train on a collision course, so she kept pushing. "Why didn't you care just as equally when I was with Mark?"
"Are you saying I waited too long?"
"Yes! That's exactly what I'm saying!"
Harvey couldn't disguise that one particular truth. He'd led her there anyway. Donna had won this one and he didn't feel like interrupting her.
"After you broke up with Paula, you didn't do anything either."
He'd rarely seen her openly jealous of his exes. But she sounded bitter and Paula did seem to hit a nerve. He couldn't blame her.
"Because I was pissed at you for letting me know you wanted to be with me after all these years."
"So that was just pure revenge?"
"You can't blame this on me, Donna. I played by your rules. And then you just had to know."
"You were moving on Harvey…"
"Then understand that this is what I felt with you and Thomas. I tried, Donna. I tried to protect your relationship with him. And I did. But in the end, I don't know… for the first time I wanted to fight for you – only for myself. I wasn't thinking about your happiness. I didn't want to give you that choice anymore."
"Why didn't you do it back when we first slept together?"
"What do you mean?"
"I need to know why you left without saying a word that day."
The look on his face told her he knew what she was referring to; she couldn't believe how the other time, that moment that had been hanging over their heads for all these years was the one thing she needed to go back to.
"Come again?" There was darkness in the tone of his voice.
"I need to make sense of it all, Harvey. It's been eating away at me."
"Then let me ask you this…Why did you tell me to go, Donna?" His accusation felt like a hundred pens were piercing through her heart. She was trying to fight a lawyer after all.
"I said you should go."
"Are we really debating emphases?"
She crossed her arms. "What do you think I could have said?"
"I don't know, something like: 'This was nice, let's get together again!'" He practically shouted.
He hadn't raised his voice until that moment; not like this. "Why are you getting mad at me now?"
"Because you didn't give me a reason to stay even after I'd kissed you goodbye."
"Well, I couldn't. I was scared of how I felt Harvey and let me remind you that you weren't the most stable of men."
"I wouldn't have gone off to another woman, Donna."
"How could you know that?"
"Because I hadn't felt like that with anyone else before."
"This is just a decade talking here Harvey."
"That decade just confirms what I've always known." He licked his lips. This was edginess talking and he hated that. "And it was the wrong time to decide to protect yourself."
She inhaled, trembling as her disbelief escalated. "You can't blame me for doing that! I–"
"You're damn right I blame you!"
"Harvey, I –" she tried to say but he cut her off some more.
"And why do you think I came back with that job offer?"
"What do you think I thought? I thought you'd occasionally want to fuck your secretary too. Hence my rule!"
He put a palm on his jaw, scratching his morning stubble; another sign he couldn't help taking offence at her words. "I would have preferred to ask my non-secretary on a fucking date if you ask me."
"But then I wouldn't have been your secretary." She shook her head. Her lack of assertiveness didn't go unnoticed on her; or on him.
"This is a fucking nightmare," he cursed, rolling his eyes. "I need some air."
She watched him beginning to head out of the shower. "You don't know how to answer that, do you?"
I pushed so hard I thought we'd finally break. Most of this didn't make sense anymore. I felt as if we were just doing that push and pull because there wasn't a right or wrong kind of answer. Just anger because of what we'd been missing out on.
"Is this what we are, Harvey? Some deliberate mistake? A misguided and somehow now faulty act gone wrong?"
He stopped himself. "You tell me, Donna." And turned around before saying: "What's left to feel if we think our entire relationship is based on mistakes?"
It shut me up.
He stepped in front of her. "'Cause all I can feel – right now – is regret."
She inched closer to him and stroked his cheek. "Harvey, I'm sorry, I should –"
"There's nothing you could have done." He towered over her looking like his senses were overloaded. "You have no idea how many times a day I'd think about you."
She could sense his heart was racing as fast as her own. This wasn't reason talking. "Actually, I think I know, Har –"
"I wanted to have you on my desk and against that glass wall, even when I was with someone else –" He grazed her breasts with his eyes as if he could touch her with them.
"Harvey…"
"And definitely not like a goddamn trophy secretary –" he added gruffly, breathing heavy.
"I know that –"
"But to remember how you felt in here," he said grabbing her hand to press it against his chest.
I can't get over you doing that.
She held her breath waiting to see what he would do next. The thought of him kissing her crossed her mind. He was so close. Letting go of it all and being just them felt like the best alternative at the time. He stroked the back of the hand touching his heart with his thumb. The light touch made her shiver.
Do you know that moment when you realize your skin doesn't feel like home unless you can feel somebody else's touch? That same skin is the one thing that can betray you. I wish I'd been blushing, gotten aroused or given myself a black eye for waiting on you to do something other than give yourself time to escape. But no, I had to show him I was getting cold.
The shower was running out of hot water so he turned the shower knob off.
I don't want to break down and feel alone. But when you leave that shower for real this time telling me I should dry myself and put some clothes on, I want to.
MAO
MAO
MAO
That was one long a** chapter compared to my smaller ones. Yeah, I know it's not the 5,000k+ words I used to post for TMT or DGITTF but it's a start and since it's not easy writing darvey right now considering how HAPPY they make us feel, I'm feeling sorta proud right now. Anyway, I'd like to give you guys my usual by the b-way thanks for reading, for your constructive criticism, for putting up with my existential issues. I wouldn't be here writing without my dearest Blue so here's a shout out to her. This is un-beta-ed bc, you know, I happen to be the only one without a life right now. Anyway, enjoy this one and if you want the next installment fast, you better review the hell out of this one.
Bx