Chapter 4- What Do You Do?

O-kayyyy.

This is Hell. I am dead and this is the torture I'm going to endure for the rest of eternity.

A head that wants to explode; a body that has already imploded and is now so squashed that every pain receptor is being turned on full power. But WHY does it hurt this bad? My head doesn't usually hurt this bad unless I get a concussion and that pain is different than this. What hap...

OH!

THAT happened.

Sooo...

Spike said something about food for me. I could really use a drink. Something cold and sweet. Something I can hold in my mouth and just savor before slowly letting it trickle down my throat. I wonder what they got for me?

I wonder if there's any- TWINKIES! They got me TWINKIES. And CHOCOLATE MILK! Spike's people bought TWINKIES and CHOCOLATE MILK just for me. And a sandwich- ham and cheese, not bad- and two apples, and a bottle of O.J. and MORE TWINKIES! I DEFINATELY like Spike over Deadboy.

Hmmm. Luke-warm chocolate milk and a Twinkie: the dream breakfast of junk food addicts everywhere.

-KNOCK, KNOCK-

Uh-Oh. "Umm, YES?"

"Alex, you mind I come in?"

"Spike?" Why is he asking? "It's your house. Come on in."

"Thanks"

Okay, WHAT is going on? Spike is being nice- I clearly remember him refusing to kill me even after I begged him to.

"Spike?"

"Alex?" Alex?

"Why...um... why are you calling me Alex? And, why aren't I dead? And, why are you being nice to me? And, HOW do you know I like Twinkies?!"

"How much do you remember about meeting me yesterday?"

"I wanted you to kill me. You said no. You met an Ear Demon; I think. You brought me here and talked to a bunch of minions. They left. You brought me in here and told me to go to sleep. I asked you to kill me. You said no. You said someone would bring me food and that your room is across the hall. Why aren't I dead?"

"You still want to die?"

"Yea." Well... "Can you do me a favor and THEN kill me?"

"What's the favor?"

"Can you torture me?" Yea, then they'll "No. I mean, I don't want you to ACTUALLY torture me-torture me. I just want you to make THEM think than you're torturing me. I want them to KNOW that it's entirely their fault that you caught me- It actually is! - and that everything that happens to me now is completely and totally their fault!"

"It is?"

"YEA. If they hadn't...I would NEVER have had a..."

"Breakdown?"

"Right. I wouldn't have had a breakdown and then I wouldn't have been out alone and none of this would have happened and I'd be home right now rubbing in liniment instead of here eating Twinkies with you. Would you like one?"

"A breakdown?"

Huh? "No, a Twinkie. Do you want one? Do you even eat? Besides people, that is?"

"If I feel like eating something, yea. Are those any good? They look a bit... poofy."

"You've NEVER had a Twinkie?"

"Not exactly in my favorite food group are they?"

"Well, maybe 'in' them."

"Smart, mate."

"Thanks" Did he just pay attention when I made a joke? And he didn't even roll his eyes or stare at me like he feels sorry for me or something. "So, you wanna try one?"

"Give one here."

-SQUISH-

"um...well" Do not laugh. Do NOT laugh. Do not

"Are you laughing at me, whelp?"

"No?"

"Good. Now... How the BLOODY hell do you eat these things without makin' 'em explode on you?"

"Well" Professor Harris, known expert on Twinkie consumption, please prepare your famous lecture 'Twinkies: A Starter Course'. "Most people use on of three; well, technically four; methods." I can't believe I am sitting comfortably at the head of my bed- I slept in it last night and I think I remember him saying I could have it- while he's sitting at the foot waiting for me to teach him how to eat the world's most perfect snack food. "The first way is the 'Whole-In-One' method. You just open your mouth, take a breath, and then cram the entire thing into your mouth. I'm pretty good at that method, but it usually takes a little practice not to choke yourself."

"Sounds disgusting."

"And munching on some strangers dirt throat isn't?"

"Not to me, mate."

"Any-wayyy. The second method is the 'Bite-'n-Seal'. In this one you use your hand to carefully hold the Twinkie. You take a bite (not too big or you can't close your mouth all the way) and then completely seal your lips together BEFORE you pull them away. This makes sure that the cream is 'sealed' and, since you aren't squeezing it, it shouldn't shoot out. The third method is the one you'll like best though."

"Why's that?"

"It's called the 'Suck-n-Scoop'."

"Least it sounds better 'an the last ones. 'Specially like the 'suck' part."

"What you do is take a VERY small bite off of one of the ends; you want to just barely reach the start of the cream filling. Then, you suck out as much of the cream as you can. Then, you use your tongue to scoop as any cream that you couldn't reach. Thennn, you eat the actually cake itself." This demonstrating every method is definitely fun.

"I get the feelin' you've put a bit of thought into this."

"It's what I'm good for." It's ALL I'm good for.

"What's the last one?"

"Huh?"

"The last 'method'. You said there were 'technically' four ways. What the last one?"

"The 'Nibble-n-Lick'. It's the most challenging."

"I love challenges."

"Okay. What you do is take another very small bite off of the end just like in the Suck-n-Scoop. Once you see the cream, you start taking tiny tiny bites all AROUND the cream. The point is to end up eating all of the cake except for the small piece you're holding with a mountain of cream balanced on top of it. Then, you lick the cream like a pudding pop."

"Doesn't look so har- AHGH!"

"You, um, have to be careful or you'll tip over the cream when you start eating both sides." Don't laugh! Grinning is okay just keep your mouth BEHIND the chocolate milk bottle and he won't notice.

"Go ahead and laugh. I can hear you trying to hide it. It's bloody pathetic. I can drain a human and never get a red spot o' blood on me but I can't eat a bit of tart without needin' a bib."

He's mad. He's mad at me. I made him look bad. He's mad. He'll want to pay me back.

Lower your eyes, tuck your chin into your neck, arms around your chest and waist. Don't breath. Wait for the first blow. Don't tense or it'll hurt more. Don't listen or it'll hurt a lot more. Think about Twinkies. And chocolate milk. And staring at the moon knowing nothing will hurt you as long as you stay outside where you can run. Think about the smell of the dew when you wake up in the morning after sleeping on the back steps and

"ALEX! Mate, come on and wake up now. That's it. Open your baby browns and look at me. Good boy! Now, another deep breathe, and again. Feeling better?"

"Yes" Whisper. Whispering is good. IF you whisper you can still hear other people. And, don't move. If you move, he can hurt you. It could be a trick. Make stupid Xander think you aren't mad and then- BAM!- when he moves you teach him not to make his betters look bad.

"Stand up. Come on, up an' at 'em. You can sit right back down again in a minute. Just need to get new DRY sheets for you."

Dry? "Dry?"

"Yea, Alex. Dry. Your milk wasn't too thrilled with you just droppin' it like that. Course, wasn't much left to begin with so isn't much of a mess but you humans are frail enough. You'd probably get some disease and I don't feel like playing doctor with you so WHAT IS WITH YOU?"

"I'm up. You said to get up. I'm up. I can leave. You're tired of me; I can leave. I'll go and you can laugh and forget about me. Or you can tell THEM that I was here and they can kill me. Or you can wait until the next time you see me and you can kill me twice as painfully then 'cause you'll have had time to plan it better. Or you can kill me now?" Did I sound too hopeful? If I sound hopeful he won't do it. I can't hope or he won't.

"You've surrendered!"

"Huh?" He want's me to surrender? To him? Okay. "Yea, I surrender."

"Bloody… Whelp, I want you to listen to me close now."

Why does he look so serious? Giles only looks that serious when he thinks one of us- THEM- is going to die or something because of some prophesy "Am I already dying?"

"What! NO!"

See, knew I shouldn't hope. Hope kills things. Hope is

"Alex"

"Yes?" It's going to be important. Con-cen-trate "I'm listening."

"Right. Now, I don't know what that little goody-goody club of the Slayer's did to you" Don't remember. Just listen. Concentrate on what he says. "But they can't reach you here. You're safe and I promise NO ONE is gonna so much as give you a headache unless I okay it. And I won't be letting anyone do that until you're strong enough to fight back on your own. For now, you just rest. Sleep, eat, I'll get some comics and TV for you later and you can just stay here till you're feelin' better. Okay."

"Okay" Wonder how long before he gets tired of me?